After yesterday's psyche evaluation I would like to talk about my new found fear of people. Whilst there is actually nothing new about this phobia, my acknowledgement of it is. I would like to point out that I choose the word acknowledge over identify as a key point as the latter is such a problem when it comes to labels and or categorization. For context to this write up, I have an upcoming review regarding my disability supports. The assessments involved are more or less aimed at gauging current supports to effectively warrant and better utilize both services and funding Vs rolling over an already working plan. I feel my plan needs adjusting / updating so I have requested to be reviewed instead of simply being rolled over which was offered to me. Whilst I have major issues with respect to being in the world and as such struggle with motivation, I do like to be inclusive in my supports. Having the smallest sense of 'self direction' goes a long way to easing resistance/suffering. 'Control' is entirely another thing and one I see as a slippery slope. More on that later.
FEAR OF PEOPLE - Going Beyond Social Phobia and or Agoraphobia - Beyond the Labels
Where to start? It was a road rage incident that happened to me last year that I feel has triggered an inherent fear of people. Whilst this fear has always been there and something I feel is intrinsic to us all within the scope of the human condition, all the preexisting unhealthy perceptions and emotions resultant from a life-long/chronic dysfunctional background that covers both physical and emotional abuse on many levels have seemingly now amalgamated into a strong fear of people point blank. That amalgamation taking place in the processing following a crisis event; the road rage incident. It's taken like 6 months (or whatever it's been) for me to realize I avoid driving at all cost. I don't even want to go out for a walk. The latter one being of more concern as for me to stop doing something I usually love means it's pretty serious. I have not even been going out with my support person - when we do it's very brief or specifically to a very quiet place where nobody else is at.
Before the road rage incident I already had issues with people coming the other way towards me on the sidewalk or having to hide in my room when a repair man would come to my house. It is with those unavoidable examples that have escalated into full on depressive cycles that I deal with by using avoidance. Where possible I will plan ahead and adopt other stratagems although in a way that is typical full of angst and on my mind most of the time. Those being examples to many others that make daily living an extreme challenge. You see what happens when these examples get out of hand, is the impact on one's ability to regulate emotion and behavior. Behavior is a facet whereby we are judged by both the system and public. The system in a more congenial world takes its time with the categorizations of labels whilst the public are far quicker in their response. One seeks to understand yet in it's processing of defining is far from perfect. The other tends to reveal more about the human condition; ridicule and stigma. In any event the dynamics of shame itself with regards to said dysfunction with the likes of both social phobia and agoraphobia, should not be seen as the weak link when it comes to the aging fabric of mankind's society. I use the term mankind instead of 'our' because I want nothing to do with this world or the people in it.
SYMPTOMS often see individuals stereotyped by diagnosis and in many cases labeled as more than just the defining name of their prescribed condition, but more to blame for society's decay.
I think here in terms of clients/patients becoming more dysfunctional in their own identity to this or that label and the complacency within a structure than is meant to care for the byproduct of mankind's advancing society. The unnatural consequences to the human psyche when subject to ideologies employed to control the masses in an overpopulated world. For better or worse the world is a very sick place in terms of both physical and mental on all fronts. Those said to live in comfort are generally regarded as having a more well rounded perspective, however when seen from discomfort I would say those whom regard themselves as winners; refuses to see anything other than their own self interest. Yet no matter the level of pain that we each suffer, we are all prone to such a predisposition. At some stage or other we all lose sight.
So it is that when dealing with complex natures and attempting to box those up - that doing so is a lengthy process which has varying degrees of conflict which labels can never define. Thus we are left with dynamics better dealt within a spectrum that is forever changing on many levels. What fits in one box is often spawn in another whilst the consensus on one line of thought specific to one answer is in complete opposition to that which is expected when making a final report.
If things are not hard enough, we are all chronic complex cases.
What has any of this to do with my fear of people? People are like sheep within a structure that thrives on boxing. You don't have to be employed as a packer to know we have all been taught to judge each other on such a fallible level. People do it all the time. I've been packed too many times and have no rigidity left. The longer I adopt or subscribe to this world under these constraints, the weaker I become. Such a stage of existence within this type of world leaves people to be constantly, discarded, dismissed, rejected and abused. You can't tell me we are not seeing it more and more. Among the young and old. It takes a mighty fine box to withstand the system as we know it. People make up the system - hence my new found fear in people.
Something like that.
Thanks for listening.