New Beginnings - A senseless adventure.

[salvator here]

Honestly, Dave..

I was going to create a new thread here about this very thing. The system is fighting me at every turn and having me jump through impossible hoops, and I'm not even asking for much! Its not like I'm faking this shit - everything is in my record - clear as can be, yet still doctors and the test results are manipulated to wok against me so I find myself back at square one. While I have a VERY clear diagnosis (since 2002 - confirmed by MRI) that I have 'Chiari brain malformation type 1' from a TBI I suffered as a child, the (so called) "professionals" fight me at every turn. In 2019, I failed my Neuropsychological testing and it was abundantly clear that I have well documented deficits (decision making/impulse/reasoning) are way left of center, they word the results to fight against me and it always comes down to depression and anxiety. Fuck me.

So now...Mindalex, and Mr Dave (and AF), you (now) know more about me. Its not like I was hiding it here on the forum from anybody, I just couldn't find the right place to get it out, and truthfully, i have times when I just give up and say fuck it, why bother even trying anymore or asking for help. There are times when I think creating a thread would help me, and then ... poof ... my desire and motivation dwindles down to zero and I just curl up into a ball here on my couch.

As far as my identify, hell, its so far in the rear view mirror.

I'm sorry I have no real advice for you, and for that I feel bad, other than to just simply say .... I can certainly relate and empathize.

Heavens To Betsy, Mindalex .. what must you think now ... Lol

Ok,, I'm hitting "Post" because there I've drained myself totally.

[Ponder]

My full condolences. Holly Cow - Sal - Whilst that is fucked up I have to thank you for sharing that. I am also glad you hit enter as I know how that delete button can very quickly become a thing. I almost did it on mine but your share is true validation and again I feel very much for your situation.

I am rolling over laughing on the floor with your ending.

Please do excuse our insanity Mindalex. The best thing to do is just chime on in with you own version of instability. Acknowledging how we are fucked up is the best practice. This is how we become our own professionals and start to question those who poke and prod us.

Sigh ... I am going to make morning coffee and read you again Sal and see if I can respond a little more seriously. That said I get the gist of your signature 'no need to respond' I have come to like that about you. I make that Cuppa and then try to respond without responding. It really is good to let it out as is without trying to mollycoddle.

[salvator here]

Oh no worries or anything serious required, I consider myself to be a 'character' - I'm unique. Would I want to be "Normal" ... umm ... no thank you, not for me :-))) Yeah, was good to get that out here and I feel like weight off my shoulders. I almost didn't hit enter, I'll admit that. Perhaps I'll continue with my situation/struggle one day in my own journal, might help me. I want to but tend to forgo it for some reason.

I'm glad I made you laugh, though. It was you that told me last October to laugh at the insanity, got rough, and I'm still unstable. But again, it was you that said being unstable in an unstable world is normal. See, I don't forget. You've all have seen me here at my most vulnerable already and I'm ok with that.

I try not to make people feel compelled to reply to anything I say, I guess; especially in another members thread. I also look forward to hearing from Mindalex soon.

Enjoy the Cuppa and hope you have a good day today!

[Ponder]

Yea - despite having different administrations with different ideals, polices and so forth around the world, the system is very much the same. Even when the test results / assessments could not be more clear regarding the need for help it is required that we degrade just that little bit more.

Often I will put it down societies completive nature. One far removed from being. Hence why yours and my identity (as well as others struggling like so) be also far removed. Its this competing that requires people to become vegetables rolled around in wheel chairs before the practitioners feel comfortable utilizing valuable time, money, machines and additional services. To be sure dynamics such as 'level of training/employment can see some professionals apprehensive about their decisions which all to often inadvertently have their careers competing with said results (which we know all to well are very clear) Think in terms of a lowly intern lawyer just starting out who is paid by government funds who's been on that level and struggling to climb the ladder for some time. That lawyer/solicitor is not going to be as invested as you re your condition/case but more concerned about upsetting the judge. So too it is with many doctors and practitioners on all levels not wanting to make mistakes. As a result it is much easier to wait until things reach a head - then they can confidently make a move to then assist. Carrere and status Vs Peoples Needs. Those facets in competition ... not to mention people, businesses with each other. Of course let's not rule out how politics affect policy decisions where in one foul swoop hundreds of thousands if not millions are suddenly affected. Reflects ideals beyond our scope but more meaning is not really our fault ... despite often feeling shames when we are seemingly unable to fit the requirements which we already discussed.

I also fully grasp the conundrum of going from obvious non/mental issues and via what I have termed as 'the competitive nature' am now seeing as 'complacency' ← playing a very large roll with so many of us winding up with fresh labels and or having our existing ones highlighted (= reliving & or in some cases experiencing unnecessary symptoms) The system quite literally makes us sick if we allow or give in to projected (feels like imposed) identities/label. How not to identify with a label yet accept the process/reality as perceived. The latter more complex and perhaps/ hopefully I'll be able to use better language latter that does more to help. Similar to your own efforts to keep afloat. Again full respect.

Just quickly ... out of the good help I have received (it's not all fucked) a practitioner and I somehow reasoned (mutually / guided / more over my choice) would do well with a new label. The new label was more to take the focus off what you so clearly defined. That being how decisions are conveniently being redirected to a much easier conclusion. It's not that the phycological symptoms don't exist which I see as generally manifested and or exacerbated by the process of what we now discuss. For me 'my' decision to accept a new label (ASD) has done 'wonders' in receiving appropriate supports. rolls eyes ...Forgive my sarcasm - wonders. It's a complex game to be sure and I won't dismiss that there are moves being made in society towards altering the current systems in order to allow for more functioning over all. Perhaps best to focus on that. The choice and control sort to be handed to individuals is still very much dictated by the language different services choose to use ... however ultimate that language is defined by the current policy which in itself is constantly manipulated and influenced just as our so called identity.

I'm trying to take a further step back here - as far back as our fabricated identities. What's important is the langue we choose to use. Last night I have a major conflict with my plan which again reminded me much of the insanity I often write about. The irrony of being manipulated into choosing X,Y and Z identify through the agreements and wording. In the light of complacency I will just say the ascribed traits of ASD have a tendency to very much attach to such dynamics which it why I am especially careful with what services and the people I engage.

All good ... not sure I made much sense ... but will leave it at that point. Ironically my support person has just turned up, although he and I are not so intertwined in that competition. We have a pretty good mutual rapport. Incidentally it was really nice to read (if I ready correctly) that your making some gains re yourself and a therapist? In fact your efforts re good spirits in the forum has been helping me.

I read up on your DX Sal ... still taking it all in. It helps me also understand more of your challenges. What you have said has helped me helps ... I sense some of my ramblings may help as well. When it comes to zeros and ones ... you a very good friend. Sending you nothing but good thoughts.

I try to make more sense later on in a more beneficial way that builds on your strengths despite the obvious constraints that hold us back like so.

Have a good guys.

[Ponder]

Oh no worries or anything serious required, I consider myself to be a 'character' - I'm unique. Would I want to be "Normal" ... umm ... no thank you, not for me :-))) Yeah, was good to get that out here and I feel like weight off my shoulders. I almost didn't hit enter, I'll admit that. Perhaps I'll continue with my situation/struggle one day in my own journal, might help me. I want to but tend to forgo it for some reason.

I'm glad I made you laugh, though. It was you that told me last October to laugh at the insanity, got rough, and I'm still unstable. But again, it was you that said being unstable in an unstable world is normal. See, I don't forget. You've all have seen me here at my most vulnerable already and I'm ok with that.

I try not to make people feel compelled to reply to anything I say, I guess; especially in another members thread. I also look forward to hearing from Mindalex soon.

Enjoy the Cuppa and hope you have a good day today!

Just read now as during making above post was on a lengthy call.
Just reading you makes me see how much we are learning off each other.

The cuppa was good! A+++++ ... I am going to have another one. Thanks again Sal!

[salvator here]

Its a bit after 8:30 PM here, and I just read through your postings. I think tomorrow I'll have more to say, because I do agree with a lot of that, but tonight I'm (comfortably) numb. Today was ok though for me considering. I did indeed get out for a walk - walks are also therapy session. So gonna watch a mindless movie on netflix and go to bed around 10:30, or at least start the process.. Ha

Thank you and I do also consider you to be a good friend. I think you 'get me' without judgment.

[Ponder]

I got a walk in myself this afternoon and felt really exhausted during and after. Totally agree with what you say but I have let myself fall too deep. Going to try really hard once more to clean up my act but not so much all at once. Going to take another short break Sal and hope that helps. I'll catch you on the flip side. Hope this finds you and the others well.

[salvator here]

Oh yes, take the break and work on yourself and enjoy the little things again - little-by-little - day-by-day ... that is what I"m doing.

I'm feeling fairly alright this morning. I slept about 5/12 hours of quality sleep. I'm sitting here drinking a spearmint black tea with agave

Of course, no need to log in and reply, in fact, when you do return (no pressure), no need to even return to this thread. Lets just say and agree this thread was VERY important and a momentous breakthrough. I'm fine with moving on and going forward from here, because each day is a new chapter.

Well wishes to you and yours.

[Ponder]

Man that was one hell of an 8 day sickness bout. I sincerely hope that is over with. Touch wood. I have some kind of fatigue thing going on. I succumb to a weeks bout not long after moving in and this most recent on was set off with a bit of an anxiety attack. My wife found a condition that fits the bill and says I would do well to explore it but for now I won't focus on that as too much else going on. She might be onto something yet even if more bouts continue and I want answers I really don't want it to be true. OK enough talk. For now I savor a moments peace from the headaches, stiffness, dizziness and so on. I admit I am still weak though and unable to do the work in the yard that needs doing. I will try a little tomorrow. I have kept my plants going well enough though.

OK - little bit by little bit.

Night night ... tomorrow I look forward to hopefully seeing SN9 make history by completing a landing sequence that's never been done. At least not without a massive explosion. They have aborted and might even tomorrow ... but I feel it could be the one!

Still awaiting approval ... if they do and they prep for launch the follow link is good place to start:

Stream has not long started. Many people will say the launch is scrubbed. Don't pay attention to that. Just read the overlays to get the official information of what's really going on. Normally when it is scrubbed they will tell you either by text scrolling across the image of a large overlay to the left side. Just take the live chat with a grain of salt. Better yet ... turn it off.

If it does launch it wont be for at least several hours and there is a good chance it might get scrubbed ... but to watch it LIVE if it does launch is really something. For me its on par with the moon landing. I was born the year in 1969 ... this could be my new 1969 At least there is a good chance Elon will land a Rocket on Mars within in the next 3 to 6 years. Moon in at least 3 if not 2. At the current rate I might even be alive when they land a human on Mars ... although that depends on my will to live. lol. Yadda yadda - at least I have a reason to wake up tomorrow: (this morning I watched an abort but only watched for an hour ... I enjoy looking at the launch site. Is like sitting on a boat in calm waters. Each to their own ... generally I turn down the commentary and have a couple of windows open with different feeds/perspectives) Chat can be a thing but usual not for me. Try it out



Is hard to sleep thinking they might launch before I wake up but I highly doubt it. Last time it was about 9amish Australian Time. At any rate I am sure there will be highlights all over the place if they do launch and stick the landing. Here is a link to the last attempt which although crashed was still considered a great success: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XrOYSF32gwE
Or check out the thread I made previously with more links and different perspectives re the MARS ROCKET in the making!

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz ... sun is coming up over there .. night night ZZZZzz

[Ponder]

Rumors have it that SpaceX is still waiting on FAA approval regarding something about repairs on SN9. It appears as if Elon might launch SN10 in the meantime; not likely today though. However SN10 will also require FAA approval which should be less of an issue as SN10 did not fall over in the high bay. SN9 looks as if it requires a certificate of repairs with the delay on it being all about paper work. Anyways - The future for SpaceX is said to be launching 3 Starships a day. Looks pretty cool with two of them out there. Currently it seems like SN11 is near completion as well as another 2 starships underway. They really are starting to churn these things out like Telsa cars. lol

Another stream Channel → Nerdel Cam 4K



Anyways ... feeling almost good enough top play a little World of Tanks this morning ... almost.

Yawns ... "GOODMORNING!"


Latest SpaceX News Updates on Youtube after SN9 Gets cancelled.