New Beginnings - A senseless adventure.

[Ponder]

"New beginnings are often disguised as painful endings." -- Lao Tzu. There is something in that quote I find appealing. I guess perspective is everything. Best I can say is I'm on a new mission and having made friends with myself once more it's time to take the next step.

One day at a time split into hours and seconds. This way I can cross the finish line repeatedly throughout the day focusing on that which encourages whilst watching negative thoughts that say "I cant;" dissipate.

Pain gives way to enduring whilst enduring is no more than the time is takes to experience. TIME? Timeless. To become lost in time is to find the way - to start listening and hearing. Thoughts - hemming in to counting the seconds rather than living. To experience without experience. 'Know Nothing' - but through experience without the need to proclaim a thing without a want for anything.

Desire? - Intention based on desire ... Wanting? Nothing but more thoughts that do little for any experience. To move from negative gravity wells of thought that keep us stuck in time ... no longer learning? - ELE ... Experience - Learn - Evolve? Seems the focus on such ideals and philosophy generates more a trap in itself. MMMMM - I guess it depends on the practice. On the surface they make for good fluffy words. So soft one is unable to find grounding in their deliverance. Possibly because we don't go deep enough in each of them.

Or more a case of running from the end / the pain - which is disguised behind a new fancy new logo that promises: New Beginnings. I guess that depends on the business/corporate/entity hanging such a proclamation. Where really all along we should be embracing the pain in order to find freedom. But the search itself implies a prison where perhaps no long searching is the key to freedom. Dependent on one's level of awareness. Aware of what. Now laughs like Alan Watts.
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Enough introspection. Time to hit the treadmill and embrace the pain: within reason. My reason. One session to the next. One second to the next.

Lots of weird posts for this thread to be sure as I embark on a new adventure.

Adios. Until next post.

Sound familiar? hehe. Please excuse my desire to revisit an old friend of mine ... a new personality 'order' is on the menu. whahahaha Just kidding ... then maybe not.

Adios.

PS - senseless, being the topic of next introspection if not lost to some negative gravity well. The purpose is no purpose. Why does this for me work so well? To go timeless in my time of need where nothing exists at all. A good way to embrace the pain where there is not pain at all. AKA Finding The Zone. Also a good way to break the vehicle if not aware in this state of being.

[Ponder]

I'm going to take a break for a whiles Sal ... Take care and all that.

[salvator here]

I have faith in you..

PS - no need to respond, take as long as you need.

[Ponder]

Thanks Sal ... I'm back in full resonance. lol AKA Present as can be ... for me. I'm still down with Tzu's quote - "New beginnings are often disguised as painful endings." -- Lao Tzu.

Where to from here? Perhaps I should give clarity to how it was that I came up with the title of this thread. Words fail so often at this level of being. I guess I was and am still in some level of pain. The word 'senseless' in 'senseless adventure' points more towards the term 'purposelessness.' In the west we are so hung up on 'finding purpose.' I would also extend this cliché to new age spiritual seekers AKA westernized spiritualty + the clinical health and wellbeing genre. It's really a cliché that is flogged to death that for me is confusing and serves more as a hinderance than any kind of solution to a world bound up with 'doing!' I understand the preoccupation with distractions as a means to finding peace. I would however ask anyone taking the time to read my ponderings to consider the other side of the coin. Moreover the focus for this writeup being about one's approach and finding balance with otherwise misconstrued terms / statements / cliche's ... or even better ... the focus of this thread to simply find our a way that does not rely on overly markets concepts.

I am a sponge in a world that loves to feed. What's on offer is not always healthy. How to make sense and keep one's dignity whilst at the same time allow nature to take it's course. The quest for eternal health and fear of failing combined with the definitions in consumer concepts keep us from knowing our true selves. Perhaps these words fall short for many and that's OK. I am not trying to influence anyone and in fact beleive the attempt to do so is what drives this confusion and hinderance that reigns. Words and terms have been flogged so hard that the attempt to make sense itself is as flawed as the concepts being constructed. Like I am saying ... that world is unhealthy caught up in construction. Always building with no end in sight.

So it is that I write or just type straight out what comes to my mind without too much focus on trying to paint one agenda as if already worked out - AKA scripted as If I know what I mean. It's OK not to know. Truth is I DON'T KNOW and that's perfectly fine. Words like confidence come to mind but more so how it is that we based these things/virtues on perfection which could not be more counter intuitive. The latter gives way to my context re my bias on western conditioning and how it comes out in my writings when dealing with the self help / western spiritualization of recovery? Recovery of what? Enter consumerism 123.

1.Create Problem (influential speech by asking a question in the tittle to impose/sell a thought or concept - on a larger scale - Organizations/Governments blow something up or create drama in order to incite whatever [typically fear] Agenda dictating the moves)
2. Reaction (atypically fear induce re step 1 - exploits a common problem where one need not exist)
3. Solution (Now focused on fixing something that has come into existence)

These steps commonly known as Problem Reaction & Solution. Not all concepts or the learnings need be distractions. This concept is a good one for me ... a good example of 'HOW' it is that the world seeks to sell. Personal Gain. I would also define the latter as control. Now let's put aside the marginalized groups that more often than not exposes a lot of truth ... but fall victim to the same fear induction methodology.

Whilst I learn a lot from the truth seeking genre ... I ground myself by changing the focus from spooky entities, individuals, groups, cults - by reminding myself that all this INFORMATION is nothing more than a construct and whilst I just admitted that not all these concepts need be distracting, that in fact some can be quite enlightening. However wrong, right, true, false or however this information becomes beneficial knowledge - it is the process and how it is that we come to sees ... that affects us.
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OK - depending on one's current level of awareness/being - much of what I just allowed may or may not make sense.

TIME ... hehe ... ironically is running out ← [which makes the point of how fallible our condition is] and I must get ready for a meet up. I will bring this all back into perspective with a quick video clip that is very much about the title of this thread. I did not base it on this video, however the teacher in it would probably have an idea of what it was that I am trying to encapsulate. I will try again no doubt. I don't know like I say ... these write up are more like a painting than anything else. I beleive it was on Google Talks that I heard this guy so something like "What if there is no purpose at all?" He went on to nail how it is that we really do not need to ascribe to all this new age questioning that does more to influence than allow people to find their own way. To allow people just to be. In fact it's all this doing and thriving to be more than what we already are that keeps us all out of sync ... always seeking ... always searching ... and in his this man's preposition ... always doing.

He is definitely worth giving a listen. ... at the very least a share

Re my senseless adventure: smiles to think ... my senseless posts hehe Indeed!



Have a good day all.

[salvator here]

You're quite welcome.

I'll completely read this when I get up tomorrow - Nothing is sinking in tonight as hard as I try. Numb

I find during times like this (confusion/conflicted), my level of awareness/being is actually in heightened state - which can be both a curse and a blessing of course. Ugh.. hard to explain.

[Ponder]

That's sounds very familiar and why I took a break. I'm just messing around in yet another painting room. Come and play once your well rested.

[Mindalex]

New beginnings are somewhat scary as humans tend to be afraid of the unknown which is often the case when starting all over. There's a question of where and how to start. We are so used to our lives or maybe had too many frustrations that we refuse to anticipate for the better. New beginnings are wonderful when we are open to truly and totally letting go of our past.

[Ponder]

I can of course only speak for myself. Once I have truly let go I no longer have any questions. I'll just settle for no time like the present. What rings loud for me with the gist of what you just said Mindalex is as follows. I find it's the anticipating that's more a barrier. There's a lot of past and future in that act which keeps me from being present. However to contemplate acceptance of the unknown .. well that has potential for 'allowance' rather than angst ... at least from my own personal experience. I find angst is spawn from anticipation. Once allowed; ["I'm OK as is"] there is no need to become better. The act of striving as I typically see only feeds the anticipation and illusion of not or never being good enough where one is in continual need to be better. Enter the conveyor belt of Mental Health Programs and never ending life coaching sessions! Hence our emphasis in overly analyzing broken Vs better. Moreover the very comparison itself is like 1,2 & 3. *above post.

For me to read things on another level and find a similarity rather than feed my 'own resistance' ... I will concede that negative patterns do in fact restrict me from having a positive outlook.

Sal knows me well (if I may say) where he would use the term Realistic in our talks. However Sal and I have the benefit of many discussions.

I value your input Mindalex and apologize for my own resistance. I can't help but see things in different ways however I am sure our intentions are very much the same. The process in which I connect more key for me.

Optimism is seemingly hard haven struggled so long or being pre-dispositioned to bouts / episodic cycles and the like. In that I do I see room for improvement but not so much a case of me becoming better. My take is just my take. I use a different language than most of my family and friends. Trusting the meaning of words, with memes being what they are and ADD gripping most of the populous as it does, makes it very hard to understand the many messages.

Thanks for your valuable insights. Feel free to keep telling it as you see it. In summery I tend not to anticipate due to my inherent/resultant anxiety and for me I have busted the myth of betterment and likewise well meaning motivational slogans. That said I 100% resonate with your alluding to re Optimism being hard for those of us that have struggle so long. I'm also wary of Positive thinking in it's cliché form - but yes ... we humans are in deed resistant to the thought of improving when we have suffered so long. Learning what suffering means also helps ... acceptance doing away with all forms of expectance. I wish to anticipate nothing as expectation is a %$#@ : ) -

[Ponder]

Where abouts you live Mindalex? UK ... US ... Canada? You do many other forums? Hope you don't mind me being so foward. We don't get many people passing through these days. What's your claim to fame re anxiety? Just life in general?

PS ... also filling in time waiting to pick up my wife. But is good to meet new people as well.

[Ponder]

Don't mind me. The questions are genuine but I understand my ways are us confusing as I find this world to be. I hope my intention to keep a reasonable tone makes up for my faults. In your own time and as you wish. I have a habit of tuning things upside down in order to make sense of what others say. I rarely fit the mold kind of thing.

Anyways ...

I had a bit of a break down tonight. Sent off a few emails to my supports expressing as much. Whilst I am in a lot of physical discomfort re an ingrown toenail preventing me from my usual copping mechanism of exercise, I'm having issues with the continual warranting of supports. Long story short, always having to submit a level of dysfunction in order to qualify for subsidy. Whilst it can be reasoned we have a good welfare system over here, it does come at a cost with one's identity. Especially when you have to regular focus on one's certification of dysfunction. The irony staring my in the face tonight before being triggered was the 'goals' as listen in my Government Funded Plan. That Mr 'David Kynaston' cares for his identity. It made me think of how those helping often change my words like police do when taking statements. The truth is and I have said it many times in here - I am all about disidentifying from the pretext of what society says I am. Yet there it was staring me in the face looking at that information telling others who I and what I think I am. A felt a deep level of shame come over me and tonight I feel like giving up all my supports as the cost to my true identity I feel is too much.

Sigh. I did cancel the appointment with those that requested such personal information and told them pretty much all the above. Whilst it might appear in my resistance to hand over such personal information that I do indeed care about my identity ... BUT ... its not about that at all, but more about the oppressive nature in which one must be pegged as dysfunctional that I think it's time to stop playing these games. To be sure I don't function very well at all in society. Although where once my outbursts would have be seen as criminal - my dysfunction now is pretty much just a sapped human being that no longer has the will to play along.

I'm in a lot of pain but the fucking around and indignity of getting help ... for my assessment ... of those in control does not warrant giving up my BS identify. lol Sorry ... that probably does not make sense. I know my supports would laugh. Even in their job roles they know its all a load of fluff. I am blessed that at this stage I have been wise enough to choose good people that I get along with. In that I have put in a lot of work and respected those individuals as I would like them to do for me. That said though I expect I still come across as misunderstood as I do in here but that's OK. We too do our best to work on tone. It's just those on the Convery Belt of services pushing everyone through ... well those types don't have much time for respect. Such is relegated in the same manner as robotic kids laughing behind the counter at your local drive through.

All good. I'll go back to the GP and forgo the higher levels of help. I'll work it out. It really is more about the BS programming that we go through that has hit home for me tonight. close to home that is. I am going to re-word my plan. Definitely take out the BS about my identity being important. The identity I have has basically been fabricated by society. I 100% want nothing to do with that. This whole focus on permanently being fuckup is so unhealthy but there you have it. That is the extent of people competing with other dysfunctional individuals in a welfare system based on our most advanced economical system. har har to think how it comes down to our goals being how much our identity means so much to us. This fucked up individual cares less who wishes to steal his. No body would want it if they truly knew what you give up in order to receive said help. Things are not really as they seem.

Clearly I am hooked line and sinker and I don't like it one bit. Basically reading over my plan tonight has depressed the hell out of me and the requirement for others to have it in order to help me ... makes me really want to give it all up. I just don't think anyone can understand that. Yet whilst others may seek to dismiss me as ungrateful ... I stand by how the requirements of said system keeps us fucked up. I've said it so many times with other examples ... tonight I make a case out of myself. Granted I have done that before when not doing so well. So it is that I am at a cross roads. I know my wife would not forgive me if I give up the supports. She actually benefits to some degree ... although she has recently been approved so maybe not such a Biggy after all.

I don't know - I am just really exhausted with it all. Yea ... very lucky on one hand but on the other ... I just don't think anyone will understand. It's like sure - I am not exploiting as I myself agree by taking on the identity of being permanently fucked up and Christ knows who would not be if as blessed as me ... (but should I really beleive in that ... what good does that belief do me? However it does fit the bill to warrant such help and hence I must explain it every time I fucking need help) Get the drift? Talk about negative affirmations. Double edge sword. So I take advantage of my past yet in doing so become stuck in it whilst so many disadvantage I see all around me whom are not quite yet there or have not officially agreed to be as fucked as me do not get help like me ... that fucks me up too. Now I have a standard to meet in being fucked up.

Sigh ................. I don't know what to do. At this point I literally do struggle everyday on my own and the help is helping me keep afloat - my family relations also good ... yet I just wonder how I could work on those regardless of the challenges or conflicts in public. To get on the system I am on is a one time deal, but I don't like that pressure as it feels like I am behind bars ... feels like a chain and ball having to conform and or identify as is the working in my plan.

To end ... if my identity is personal ... then it should be no one else's business YET the onus of my so called identity has been made a priority of my goals and I don't remember writing my goals like that OR I have simply grown out of it and see things differently.
_______________________

So there you go Mindalex ... a little more about Mr David Kynaston. Nice to meet you. hahahaha

Today I could not keep my identify therefore I no longer want it. I finish on that. Where I go from here ... I don't know.

I think it's time to delete this world and all that is in it - perhaps a reset will do. With no fucking identities or characters ... just ones and zeros.

I think more on that.

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