New Beginnings - A senseless adventure.

[Ponder]

After yesterday's psyche evaluation I would like to talk about my new found fear of people. Whilst there is actually nothing new about this phobia, my acknowledgement of it is. I would like to point out that I choose the word acknowledge over identify as a key point as the latter is such a problem when it comes to labels and or categorization. For context to this write up, I have an upcoming review regarding my disability supports. The assessments involved are more or less aimed at gauging current supports to effectively warrant and better utilize both services and funding Vs rolling over an already working plan. I feel my plan needs adjusting / updating so I have requested to be reviewed instead of simply being rolled over which was offered to me. Whilst I have major issues with respect to being in the world and as such struggle with motivation, I do like to be inclusive in my supports. Having the smallest sense of 'self direction' goes a long way to easing resistance/suffering. 'Control' is entirely another thing and one I see as a slippery slope. More on that later.

FEAR OF PEOPLE - Going Beyond Social Phobia and or Agoraphobia - Beyond the Labels
Where to start? It was a road rage incident that happened to me last year that I feel has triggered an inherent fear of people. Whilst this fear has always been there and something I feel is intrinsic to us all within the scope of the human condition, all the preexisting unhealthy perceptions and emotions resultant from a life-long/chronic dysfunctional background that covers both physical and emotional abuse on many levels have seemingly now amalgamated into a strong fear of people point blank. That amalgamation taking place in the processing following a crisis event; the road rage incident. It's taken like 6 months (or whatever it's been) for me to realize I avoid driving at all cost. I don't even want to go out for a walk. The latter one being of more concern as for me to stop doing something I usually love means it's pretty serious. I have not even been going out with my support person - when we do it's very brief or specifically to a very quiet place where nobody else is at.


Before the road rage incident I already had issues with people coming the other way towards me on the sidewalk or having to hide in my room when a repair man would come to my house. It is with those unavoidable examples that have escalated into full on depressive cycles that I deal with by using avoidance. Where possible I will plan ahead and adopt other stratagems although in a way that is typical full of angst and on my mind most of the time. Those being examples to many others that make daily living an extreme challenge. You see what happens when these examples get out of hand, is the impact on one's ability to regulate emotion and behavior. Behavior is a facet whereby we are judged by both the system and public. The system in a more congenial world takes its time with the categorizations of labels whilst the public are far quicker in their response. One seeks to understand yet in it's processing of defining is far from perfect. The other tends to reveal more about the human condition; ridicule and stigma. In any event the dynamics of shame itself with regards to said dysfunction with the likes of both social phobia and agoraphobia, should not be seen as the weak link when it comes to the aging fabric of mankind's society. I use the term mankind instead of 'our' because I want nothing to do with this world or the people in it.

SYMPTOMS often see individuals stereotyped by diagnosis and in many cases labeled as more than just the defining name of their prescribed condition, but more to blame for society's decay.
I think here in terms of clients/patients becoming more dysfunctional in their own identity to this or that label and the complacency within a structure than is meant to care for the byproduct of mankind's advancing society. The unnatural consequences to the human psyche when subject to ideologies employed to control the masses in an overpopulated world. For better or worse the world is a very sick place in terms of both physical and mental on all fronts. Those said to live in comfort are generally regarded as having a more well rounded perspective, however when seen from discomfort I would say those whom regard themselves as winners; refuses to see anything other than their own self interest. Yet no matter the level of pain that we each suffer, we are all prone to such a predisposition. At some stage or other we all lose sight.


So it is that when dealing with complex natures and attempting to box those up - that doing so is a lengthy process which has varying degrees of conflict which labels can never define. Thus we are left with dynamics better dealt within a spectrum that is forever changing on many levels. What fits in one box is often spawn in another whilst the consensus on one line of thought specific to one answer is in complete opposition to that which is expected when making a final report.


If things are not hard enough, we are all chronic complex cases.


What has any of this to do with my fear of people? People are like sheep within a structure that thrives on boxing. You don't have to be employed as a packer to know we have all been taught to judge each other on such a fallible level. People do it all the time. I've been packed too many times and have no rigidity left. The longer I adopt or subscribe to this world under these constraints, the weaker I become. Such a stage of existence within this type of world leaves people to be constantly, discarded, dismissed, rejected and abused. You can't tell me we are not seeing it more and more. Among the young and old. It takes a mighty fine box to withstand the system as we know it. People make up the system - hence my new found fear in people.


Something like that.


Thanks for listening.

[Ponder]

Forgive my ramble Sal - I'd rather hear about your take re psyche and cognitive evaluations? I am sorry if your not getting the help you feel would benefit you and the process also taxing you like is does me at times. Sometimes they are just necessary hoops. No need to make a thread if that's too taxing. Your welcome just to let it out in here.

Also may I ask ... you said something about stretching recently. Could you also tell me a little more about your experience with that. Like once your able to get into it (like routine and walking is hard enough these days for me) - are you finding it helpful?

Hope this finds you feeling well enough.

[salvator here]

Oh that wasn't a ramble, I'm glad you were able to get all that out, and so well put. I've read your other posting in the 'how are you doing' thread; as well. I['m glad that my sharing helps you (or others) in some way.

For now, I'll copy this onto my computer just in case you decide to delete it (and I hope don't, but would understand) and give this more thought tonight and hopefully tomorrow when I'm more "together" (using that term loosely - haha) I would very much like to try to offer some insight besides just acknowledgement. Yeah, fear, understand it all too well.

For now, herbal tea seems to help me in some way(s). Sounds a bit silly, but I plan out the night before what I plan to drink in the AM.

If find if I lay in bed curled up for too long, I'm contorted and its very hard to even stand up straight and align - because that is my desired result.

I just wanted to let you know I have read it, just not able to process it correctly atm, but I'm ok all considered.

Hang in there my dear friend, we'll somehow get through this. Don't lose hope or let this weaken you, our experiences have taught us to protect ourselves, I think this is why caution turned to fear which in turn has resulted in our isolation. I'm sorry, Its hard, because its there but I can't explain further. I guess its about 9AM over there (almost 8PM here), so I hope you will find something to enjoy today. Open up the curtains and be mindful of your morning beverage. Me, I should try to wind down and watch a movie and will hope for sleep tonight and refresh.

And please don't feel you need to respond today, tomorrow, or heck next week even - whenever you feel you want to as I'm not going anywhere. I'll post some Smooth Jazz on here tomorrow for starter and think about my new thread.

I found a movie: vulture.com/2019/07/crawl-2019-review.html

[Ponder]

All good. I'm enduring and have no desire to really change my views on humans. I just allow myself to be as I be. If anything I am thankful I have supports that also allow me to just be that. Currently working on getting out more ... but only if I wish it to be. Many of us were working towards lockdown decades before it hit. Lockdown is a walk in the park all things considered. I love the social distancing if I am to be honest. Of course all the extra paper work is a chore and why I avoid places of business more than ever before. Online is proving to be a very effective tool.

Think I will listen to podcast on my treadmill. Went for small walk today with support person and feeling a little better for it. In grown toe nail has grown a little more outwards which seems to of helped. lol ... sigh.

Thanks for the words of wisdom and support. Much appreciated.

Thanks for the Movie link. I've been getting into a few Dracula one's myself.

I have not seen my mum since 2012. Closest I got was at my brothers funeral in 2014 but I was standing up the back of the cemetery in the corner about 100 meters away. So that did not count. I have plans to visit her as well as my sister and step dad during the first week of march. He is not well and it might also be the last time I see my mum. She too is getting old and may not last long once my step dad is gone. That said I don't really know - I could very well visit again if this visit goes well. I regard this as an opportunity given that at their age they are still here to visit. Mum knows my brothers funeral is the last one I will attend - unless my wife dies before me and which case hers will be 100& private with my meditate family only present with a few stragglers that have done more to hinder; on the side. I certainly hope none of my kids go before me but can't rule that out as life is full of surprises. Point is - mum is very accepting of my wish to stay well away from such gatherings and just work on things with the living. In the same way I think birthdays, Xmas, Easter and all likewise celebrations are full of shit. What matters is now - the rest is just consuming.

I am good to keep writing. Just respond when you wish. Truly no pressure. I have had times in the forum where I was the only one posting for weeks on end. I also don't mind at this point. I have done so before but right now I need to write.

The phycologist I see likes me and I like him. Generally I prefer women therapists as I have suffered harshly with human authority all my life and whilst women have now joined the ranks as dominators, it was not like so when I was growing up. I've had alpha warden subordinates screaming at me to stand on a yellow line when in prison still in my teens, Police beatings, and your run of the mill alpha sociopaths dishing out their worst. It never ends re the X-military guy that tried to kill me with pick axe last year! Monkey see monkey do but it never really suited me. The only time a women beat me was twice. One of my mums church friends who was looking after my brother and I. I ran away that day and the police got involved. The other time was as the public primary school. She just like to grab the back of my hair and slam my forehead into the table as she repeated whatever to the rest of the class. Generally I grew up to respect women mostly ... or at least until the whole feminist movement went overboard and now I just don't do people at all no matter what race, color or gender.

BUT - my past does explain why I fear my self when in the presence of alpha types (men or women) - I have a reaction inside me that just wants to kill them. Literally. Such stems from the abuse of all the places that was entrusted to care for me. If not teachers, wardens, police - they were pastors. The later of course being the one who won an award and then later his victims compensated - yet still his family sing praised and take pride in his national award. Haha - That's society for you and if you have a problem with it - all your fellow citizens will just act like teachers, wardens, police and pastors. All of whom want to be right and enact a sense of control no matter the impact it has on others.

Back to my therapist: He worked in the bottom of the barrel when it came to mental health hospitalizations both involuntary and voluntary. He left his most recent place of work due to the toxicity re control hierarchy that I have alluded too. Down on the bottom rung within the health services you find X-Prisoners (XPs) X-Junkies & X-Victims of all kinds who have wised up to the system and sort employment under the pretext of lived experience and completion of a Cert IV in whatever that then sees these reformed peeps manning the desks of your local mental health services. The picture I am now painting is the same that my current therapist seems to of picked up on and reason he left the bottom rung. That is how many of these lived experience people are still quite unbalanced often projecting unresolved issues onto those whom they are to service. It's not just those manning the stations either. There are more and more lived experience individuals taking on roles or support persons and some even tackling councilor roles. Now I am all for the 'Open Workforce' which is focused towards reintegrating affected individuals by affording them space and reducing pressure in the workplace with appropriate employers who agree to assist with such a noble cause. However the introduction of open workforce in mental health is problematic at best that does more to fuel the epidemic that sees the system overwhelmed. AKA Perpetual Convertor Belt.

So it is that my therapist understands me well and has given up on that part of the system no unlike the same manner as I with society. He just exited one small part and went private is all. Thankfully I educated myself enough to be funded private. Takes a lot of work keeping up with all the assessments. I use the word 'Game' with him and my supports. Such an outlook does not make my claims invalid. Most all the professionals worth their weight fully get the concept of what a game this all be. Everyone of us that wants to keep afloat has to reassess the rules with every change of government. Get a new feel for the changing landscape in whatever division impacts your life. Aged Care, Elective Surgery and so on. It is more intense and for ever changing with Mental Health. The bottom rung is not a place you would wish on anyone. This is where chronic and complex cases are spawn and fed. Point and Case!

If your on the bottom rung (zero employment/low income) the probability to hit the mental health division is very high. Certifications OR Labels will eventually be encouraged if you are to access a stream that reduces societal expectation that generally cripples the best of the young. That is to say that even the most motivated preconditioned citizen will succumb to mental health issues if they do not meet societal expectations that require those individuals give reason why they have not yet got a job or why they need welfare assistance. If your unable to work then there must be something wrong with you. The system will only support you for so long when not employed and thus after that time expires your options are to face homelessness or get certified as impaired on whatever scale to meet whatever perquisite of whatever stream you think you should get on. This is the reality of winners and losers in our society ... at lest very much in the west. The so called 3rd world countries seem to at least treat their less fortunate ones with a little more respect. Here - we dis eachtoher packing one or the other into those boxes I recently posted; above. Lazy Sods! Junkies! Criminals! Retards! Geriatrics! & so on. The latter is how we are conditioned to self police and is rampant amount the militant and religious types that sap up the whole 'Hero's Journey' & or 'Pursuit of Happiness.' "They should make their beds and Join the Army!!!" Like that will solve everything. Chuckles at the irony with how one leads to the other re "... A Time To Kill" Need I say anymore.

Cont next post ...

[Ponder]

Cont...

My therapist really makes me feel he gets me. He is very gentle and compassionate guy. That's a good thing; very much for me at least. It shows in his tone. He says he learns a lot from me. Others have said that, but he actually only writes when I make my points and then feeds back relevant dialogue that I know means he is really listening Vs others who are just good at appearing so. - The last therapist who pretty much gave up on me (granted 4 year journey part of 8 years all up with one therapist before that - I be full time client where I make therapy work. Is a means like medication but that's another story of how it works for me - I've been at it mostly fulltime since 2012) yet was OK! She simply did not want to switch over to the new funding I was receiving. They now program I was accepted into required serve providers to make reports every so often which meant extra work. Given my stance on society above and her having police in her family and also into religion ... I feel this switch of funding I have chosen to go with was an opportunity for her to let me go. I could sense she did not understand me the same way this new guy does. Sadly she was quite rude and became over challenging as some therapist do in order to provoke whatever response. That is actually quite common tact with many therapists however the level at which they play that ploy is somewhat different. It never works well for me and most know that. That's how she and I came to an end.

The new guy comes from FiJi. He has talked personally to me about the negative impact of religion and hierarchy as he has seen it growing up in FiJi. Very similar dynamics to the aboriginal missions I attended with my stepdad when he played GP/Doctor. Much corruption with church leaders and elders in those communities just like at the top - just more alcoholism and child sexual abuse. Thing is he gets that side of me as well as the whole fish barrel welfare, law enforcement and preconditioned patriotic self police mentality rife within the mental health division/s. Currently he is a registered psychologist, Bachler of behavioral science, arts and law. Like I say, just moved out on his own and glad to be out of the fish barrel. He seems to really enjoy his job and has no issues with all the report writing. Certainly seems to like all the extra info I give him similar to the rant I made above. We are never one label - but since most people are brainwashed to worship one team/color above another ... well ... you get the gist. Fuck identifying too much with any of them. That said - the sign posting that some of these categories point to can help if your open enough and willing to put your own take or spin on the identification process. This is why I won't deal with any doctors, therapists, case workers or the like that overly challenge or act complacent when dealing with my case. Worst comes to worst I give up the program and go back to the rubber stamp. It is a fucking game ... everything we do is part and parcel to a set of rules and as you know my view of the world is more like a sick joke that only adds to the insanity if you take it all in. SIGH - smiles - So it is that I'm open to my predispositions but do what I can to work with them. This is all true of any division within society. It's not just Mental Health. if your looking for an operation or stream to warrant exemption, benefits ... yadda yadda - the whole process gets more complex with each passing year. The more complex and switching out with renaming of whatever program ensures that fewer people can actually reap the benefits sold to the public who think their votes actually count. “Hoo-ah!” To me, that says it all. Sorry I was overcome with emotion then thinking of Al Pacino in Scent of a Women.

I best find something to spur me on and get on my treadmill and see how long my ingrown toenail plays along.

Hope to entertain you with some more later on.

[salvator here]

OK, so assuming its around 11PM over there, hopefully you're winding down for sleep, so no need to even read tonight. I'm not saying anything that requires attention right now anyway. I just up and getting very good ideas on Valentines Day gift ideas again from Ryan and Kelly. Gosh, oh mercy me, wouldn't I be lost without this kind of help today from them. In fact, after watching them, I think I'll also (promptly) write to dear Abby; as well ... Lolol

All kidding aside: I wanted to let you know I've read every single word and have given this some thought today.

Regarding fear(s) with other people, truthfully, anything I would say would be largely hypercritical, because I actually feel much the same.

So, I'm going to fast forward before I proceed further with my gibberish:

I've quoted Al Pacino myself here a few times here but can't recall just where. Honestly, it was one of his best (apart from "say hello to my little friend", and "Hoo-Ahh"). IMO ... it just doesn't get much better than Al and Robert De Niro, and I will never EVER get sick of watching the film [ Heat ] Again ... IMHO.

I also read your last few posting, and while I don't have much to offer up, I can relate to much of what you wrote. I also used to think I needed a female therapist, but for a while had a male. I also demanded the requirement that be also be LGBT themselves. He (Straight and married) was ok but there was no connection, though he was being sincere when he said he did care about me personally and hoped the best for me - he just didn't (as you say) 'get me'. I'm very very hard to understand, I will admit that and I'm a difficult patient. At times, I'm all over the place and quite scattered; and yes, 'conflicted' (not to be confused with contradictory). You and I sometime late last year were discussing *fractured psyche*; but with everything going on with X-Mas madness, we just sort of let it go .. but I do hope one day we will again revisit that in our discussions. No pressure, and as I say, I don't plan to go anywhere and when the time is right.

See.. I'm all over the place right now, but will leave it 'as is' to show my sincerity.

So back to the therapist - I now have a female that truly 'gets me'. We (as you also stated) can openly talk about religion and politics; and it just so happens that we are indeed on the same page. This was a fluke that become apparent during our talks. I'm open with everything and she didn't have to share her (personal) views on [edited] organized religion [edited], but she crossed the line and I feel very close to her, and she said she looks forward to our talks, because I go to place that he other patients are even exist. We go so deep and we both keep up quite well and listen to (both) what is said / and not said.

Hmmmm, I think I'll need a short break and return later on as I've just encountered a mental block, but will post this for now. Sorry to leave it hanging here and I feel bad about that.

[salvator here]

I'm back!

I' decided to enjoy an Ovaltine - a bit lame, but something told me to go with that today.

As I was saying, I've become less shallow and no longer need nor require for my therapist to be LGBT themselves - she is married to her husband and often shares some of her experiences, and again, she certainly doesn't have to do that. She trusts me and I strongly and heavily guard/cherish peoples trust tightly and hold it close to my heart.

I guess I'll wrap this up by just saying, you've helped me in many ways, not only by directly helping me. I recall when I was new here, you said somewhere to stand under a tree. Do you know I didn't forget that. You also said something like, enjoy being on the sidewalk, as well.

I do want to say, though, please don't allow me to interrupt your thinking pattern in your journal thread, and if you every feel that I am doing so, I would hope you would tell me and I would happily observe and continue reading just as happily without the need to comment.

I hope you have a great morning and find something to enjoy tomorrow.

Be well..

~Sal

BTW: To explain myself and the edits - some of what I wrote was not helpful and would be better expressed in a thread of my own - however I left the typing errors so as to remain genuine.

[Ponder]

I've been checking in and reciprocating taking the time to read as well. Out of respect for your signature ending 'no need to reply' I let your new thread be. I'm really glad your given that a go and hope I can join in soon enough after you get your momentum going. I will tread lightly - I promise. It seems quite evident to me that thread creation has done you some good. Your write ups in there and here are quite stimulating and for that I am really appreciative. Of course in all modes I find your writing to be genuinely expressive. I have at times done my best to encourage it in the hope my own would be somewhat tamed (for lack of a better word) or at least partially hidden. It's great that the forum is quiet but having just a little more going on other than my own voice is so refreshing or a relief ...wait for it ... SIGH lol ... Seriously I hope you keep opening up. I know I need to peel back the layers and keep working on the same.

I have to go now. Whilst I don't care for birthdays I do have something planed for mine today. I need to get ready.

I do intend to do a retake with what you have written above but not to drag it on in a draining way. It just so happens most of the time you do talk in such ways I often connect in one way or another that like you say "helps myself and others..." .. however as you know it takes a little effort to touch on some of these things but sensing you already know that benefits from taking the time ... well I'm glad out of the inaction here that it is you reciprocating and making the time to do as you do.

You don't need my validation as I really don't need yours but there is something beneficial in feeling accepted and one's company being enjoyed. Once again these online places are no less real.

Your reply seems to of covered much of what I have said and I'm really pleased your reaping some sense of belonging as I am reading it. That is really important for each of us. You have nailed much for me in a good way once again. Hope you find your new found space something that also works.

I go do my thing ... and look forward to revisiting here and when time is right we for sure pick up some of those older discussions. For sure. I'' pick my time carefully re your other thread.

[salvator here]

Thank you so much for your support and words of encouragement, Ponder

For whats its worth - Happy Birthday - and I do hope you will appreciate the fact that you made it this far in life and are still here to live and tell about it and have kept your family together through tough times. Nobody can take that away from you; ever

[Ponder]

Thanks Sal - I had some cake that my grandson picked out with the help of his Nanna from the local grocery store. My only request was to spend more then $2. They also gave me a bottle of coke with Pop labeled on it. We sang the birthday song with the little guy sitting right in front of my cake as if it was his birthday and not mine. Every time they sang the word "...You!" in the song I rolled my eyes in gest and looked at my grandson throwing my hands up asking "... who's birthday is this? He had a cheeky smile, giggled then at the last second beat me to blowing out the candles. Some time after that we ordered Tia Food which was delivered to the house.

Some of my extended family rang, wished me well and had a little chat. It was good. They are looking forward to me coming to visit.

Last night I grabbed a pair of cheap binoculars that have been sitting around doing nothing and did some star gazing from my back yard. Something I was once heavily into. That too was good and this morning I woke up feeling a little better than the day before. I've been thinking on what hobby I can get back into to get me off my computer from time to time and offer something a little more therapeutic other than my online writings. My main challenge is finding something that is not going to be so taxing. As relaxing as I know stargazing to be, I also know from experience trips to dark sights can be tiering. Especially when struggling the days. However if I choose my gear right - the act can be like recharging if I don't get too carried away (as I generally do)

Lasts nights star hopping was quite enjoyable. I care less to name the constellations as doing so would create tension. To do that without issue I would have to get back into my star maps where I play a game of simply finding objects with a red light, atlas, binos and maybe ... MAYBE ... the new acquisition of an appropriate telescope. It how I used to do it when I have a large dobsonian that then I did not mind lugging around.

Forgive me as I do seem to be lingering on this idea and in that process creating a wall of text. I do hope you continue to find energy to write in yours as you have been doing.

Hmmmmmmmmmm - I'm definitely tempted to start star gazing again. Light pollution can be a pain but compared to some backyards I did OK with a small pair of binos from my latest backyard last night. The tripod and bino mount really helped although not that great for the neck. Getting an banana chair might help and would be great for winter outside during the day. I considered a solar scope as can be used during the day but for the same cost could get right into microscopy on a deep level. Then there is drawing and painting but I find that too messy for me. hmmmmm ... The binos last night where quite simple and easy.

OK - I think I have talked myself into at least toying with the idea a little more. I think I would blow myself up with model rockets and draw too much attention. Maybe it's time I get back into at least - Backyard Astronomy regardless of the challenger re light pollution. There is still enough to see that might actually inspire me to jump in my car and drive a few Ks which is really all I need given my location. Finding viewing locations with open spaces where one is not trespassing is problematic yet I think I could do it. Finding those kind of spots may also give rise to kite flying which I have put off long enough.

I best get on with me day. Time to go for a walk and do a few things in the garden. Touch Wood!