My life really does suck!

[The Scottish Pedro]

So I recently went to see my lawyer, who has been helping me deal with legal problems for years now. These are issues pertaining to two former support workers who stitched me up years ago, and blew something out of proportion, to the point where I lost my flexible support, as well as losing my flat in supported accommodation. The whole story is a long and confusing mess, however, so I cannot really explain everything from start to finish. But they, along with their bosses, did devious things. And well, you can imagine how upsetting it is for myself, now that I've gone through all of this hassle, time and time again.

After multiple prison terms (being both remanded and sentenced) for breaching court orders, my life has become an utter joke now. They caused me to do time in three different prisons, never once willing to take any accountability for betraying me. These days, I am bored out of my skull. Either that, or I am lonely and depressed, so I hardly feel motivated to do anything. The Internet is often a waste of time in general, because forums to do with video games for example, are populated by some silly, snide people. Plus, there is hardly any activity on those kind of message boards these days, compared to many years ago. So it often feels pointless to post at all. My OCD kicks in though, if I am not online. And I've got agoraphobia and social anxiety into the bargain, so in a way, the Internet is all I have.

Anyway, my lawyer had me going to his office one day in Edinburgh, to prove to me that he wasn't "doing nothing!" This was after I went whining to other firms that he was not reliable, hoping to have him replaced. Basically, I've grown wary of him. That's because he's not doing enough. Or, at least I feel that way...

When I asked him how long this crap stays on my record, he said it's gonna be there forever. But what I meant was, the time one has to declare this when hunting for jobs, and whatnot. So I did my own research online about the legalities of having to disclose that information, and it appears that a non-harassment order becomes 'spent' right after it expires. So either he does not know about that, or he does not want me to know, in case he thinks I would contact these people again. There's three orders, and two are running until the summer of 2028. I'm 34 now, so I'd be 42 when they all end, unless something changes beforehand. For I did try to offer an apology and some sort of explanation, but they had fully turned against me by that point, and so they just kept on reporting me, which in turn caused me to be arrested over and over again.

My lawyer basically had all of these police statements from people, from God only knows how far back in time, naming various complainers. Although he would not let me have any of the paperwork to look at. Some of the names I either did not know of or I did not remember them, as they likely used aliases. Or I was never interviewed about that stuff. But that does not explain what he is actually going to do as my solicitor going forward with any proceedings. At one point, he said, "I can say you were provoked if you want, but I don't think it will make a difference!"

The provocation part stems from other people, related to films. I've had people talking about me online, and screwing me out of both extra roles in movies, plus not providing a refund via Indiegogo, when I sent money to random people I'd never heard of, in order to try to be an extra in these low budget movies they were producing. But people that I have beef with had been saying things to get me blacklisted, which is pathetic to the core. And I have no support any more whatsoever, which means that in general, there is bugger all to do each week. It has been like this for me now, for several years.

Social services have clearly washed their hands of me, and now we are stuck with this 'social distancing' drag, because of the coronavirus ordeal that has defined 2020. This means pretty much all of normality has been cancelled. Yet the irony here is that I never had a social life before, but now I cannot easily obtain one anyway.

My PDD-NOS makes it hard for me to look at people when I'm speaking to them. So I have been alone for what feels like forever. Every year brings about the same annoying problems. But that does not mean I like being alone. It's just so hard for me to talk to people. The few times I attempted to fit in with others, I was mocked or rejected, because I was not interesting enough, or whatever.

Years ago, I looked for this ex-girlfriend I met way back in 2005. I am sure she knew I was looking for her, too, yet she denied that anybody had informed her about me leaving adverts on Gumtree. When I got back with her in 2012, there was no happy ending. Just emotional and financial abuse from this scam artist, until she eventually faded away. I'm not even good looking at all, and when I talk, my accent is so thick and desperate sounding.

Recently, I've been feeling sad over the fact I started to think about another girl, I knew from my high school days. She was in my art class in 1998. I don't know her last name, but I know her first name is Nicola. She's probably a mother now and married, or anything. However, I did see her years ago, working in a cinema. But I'm talking years ago.

I feel like I'll always be alone. Paying for the company of females is a waste of time, as I am too anxious or tired to have satisfactory sex with any of them. That's not to say I don't have urges, but honestly. Those escorts and mistresses, and so forth, are cold and shallow. For a long time, I seen this Polish lady. I'd even let her keep the change if I overpaid her, and then one day ages ago, she made out she did not want to see me again because of my skin. And I once seen this transgender person. You know? One of those Thai ladyboys that look like any other gorgeous oriental woman, although they may or may not have a penis. Well, I seen one years ago. When I went back to see who I assumed was her, the experience was way different. The polar opposite, in fact. The next thing I know, she's calling me names on this review site, and saying I deserve an autistic brain. Like, seriously. What the hell?

There's even women online that specialize in something called femdom, where guys with no taste are stupidly sending them cash for free. It's just dumb, and it's feeding their nasty traits. However, as long as there's men out there daft enough to do that, there will be no end to that "money is the root of all evil" gag.

But, yeah. Life just sucks now. If I had been born with a normal brain, this horrible ordeal with me being hurt by everybody I ever cared about, may have not happened. To be honest, I feel embarrassed as well, as if I've exhausted all possible angles in life by being insane. Like, I feel as if I'll always be the guy who gets laughed at and mistreated by others, or be the Z to everyone's A, B, and C. If you know what I mean.

[Ponder]

Hi Pedro. Nice to see you again. People who make comments like that about autism don't even know what it is. I like my brain and absolutely love my grandsons to bits. Autistically so.

I've seen you round the forum before and have read most of your posts. I'm not saying we are the same, but I see a lot of similarities and chime with much of what you say.

Keep writing if it helps. I know it feels nice to be acknowledged. However, even when I feel that is lacking I still get a lot out of my writings.

Best I can say is that I do my best to change the things I can, and try not to waste my time focusing on those that I can't. That said, writing about those things we can't change could be seen as a process of purging. I guess it comes down to how we write and how often. Both of those facets being variable with no one size fits all kind of thing. We evolve depending on what works for us and the choices we make. Lately I have been adopting the mind set of - "when all else fails - befriend self." I also think it's good to leave exclamation marks out of the equation as well. To which I note you have used none. Don't get me wrong. I understand such expression has its place. I just think that when being kind to self - writing with a lot !!! often holds me back. This was a good write up Pedro.

I don't beleive we suffer in order to learn, but I do beleive purging helps and it's during that process that the opportunity for growth takes place. I guess on second thoughts → !!! has its place, although being kind to self is the way to go. It's all a process. loneliness is hardcore man. I hear ya. This being the reason I often turn inward with the goal to find myself. Not that I am into goal setting. I probably see it more as an intuitive call with a natural yearning to self sooth in a different way to that most mental health academics might labeled as something else. It's a messed up world my friend but I do think the answers lay within and that I for one often find solace in that despite the feeling of loneliness. I just try to allow the feeling be what it is rather than resist it. Yet during my purging episodes anyone would think I am doing the opposite.

At any rate, I mean not to give advice as I have the brain that others would inflict upon others when they themselves can't regulate. hehe. All good bro. Hang in there and good to see you back in the forum. Just wanted to say I'm reading ya and do whatever works for you. Nice to see you back.

[The Scottish Pedro]

Cheers, Ponder.

I hope they develop a safe vaccine for the virus soon, as it's a real drag these days with not being able to do much. Basically, it feels like the world has been cancelled.

I think my lawyer has been fobbing me off in many ways. If someone has a grievance with another person, surely legal action is the right course to take. Then again, I know nothing about legal stuff. Nothing at all.

I imagine it's going to continue to be very stressful, and seemingly, this situation is all one-sided as well. But I have to try...

[Ponder]

Hi Pedro. That is what we are led to believe; one would think. Whatever the truth, laws and rules are designed to be complex for a reason. They serve the few and silence the many. The scales are tipped in a way that sees injustice swing the hammer that comes down on anyone who dares to question what is written. My wife works in the court house where people are squashed every day. The system being what it is will ensure many get their day in court, but rarely is justice served.

Once you realize justice has nothing to do with the rules or right and wrong, it is possible to circumnavigate the complex maze. Sadly, this takes a lot of money for those that know little about such things. Legal aid is not much chop ... it's more like a conveyor belt to keep the fodder coming. One could strive to learn the game and represent themselves. However such an attempt is extremely draining and more often than not creates a new level of PTSD which defeats the purpose.

Don’t get me wrong. Depending on what is at stake it might be very well worth fighting for what you believe and not simply letting the laws define who you be. Just be prepared that courts are well known for doing more to create victims as opposed to listening of them. I’m currently party to a case that’s been in the making for seven years. Prior to that my life has been in and out of court for decades. I do have a good idea of how it all works. Whilst I have won a few appeals, I can tell you that in the end nobody really wins.

All that said, if you can handle a loss whatever your worst fear – whatever your definition of a win, it might be better to of tried than not at all. Just as you said when signing off in your last response.

Whatever you choose, I wish you all the best. Forgive my bluntness regarding my own experiences. These days I do whatever I can to avoid the courts. I sincerely wish you the best.
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Re Covid – I would love to see a big fat red stamp plastered across the world that says ‘Canceled’ It is one case where throwing it out would see the universe a much better place. I think most of the time we would be better to leave things be and make no cases at all. To no longer feed that urge of always having to win. Winning is not what we are led to beleive. The cost of letting be is far cheaper and generally yields longer lasting rewards, although not readily seen. Sorry I just reverted to previous topic. Although letting Covid be, and all that surrounds it, works just as well.

Forgive my long reply – I am on your side brother. Win, lose or draw – Karma is the best enforcer of them all.
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You still gaming? If so. what you playing these days? I've been mixing mine up of late. Currently playing Subsistence. I like to play vegan - but on occasion have to pull out my gun. I best go check out my base, more so my garden. I also need to do some fishing. I'm not exactly vegan - whatever that is. I may very well yet load up resident evil. hehe.

Hope this finds you well as can be.

[Kirk]

I have paid for many women in the past and I have pretty much found them to be friendly and nice overall and they have taken care of me nicely. I always preferred Asian women. I know a number of people who are married and you are better off then them being alone. One person in particular has been married to a South American woman who periodically slaps him and belittles him. He is better off being alone.

[The Scottish Pedro]

My mother's brother split from his wife and later married a Filipino woman.

I like an actor from the Philippines called Eddie Garcia. Very cool guy. He passed away last year, aged 90.

Yes. I think Asian people are better than British women, because I don't think they let things go to their head. That's why I think it's sad seeing those dominatrix types using and abusing people for money. Of course, they will say they don't do that. It's a part of their lifestyle regardless, but it's still rather hedonistic.

I don't care if people view me as a poof for liking Thai transgender people. Other than you know what, they don't look like a guy, nor are many of them unattractive. In Thailand, it's like a third gender anyway.

Hopefully, Sara and Joanna don't keep playing the victim card for lying to me all those years ago. I have still to print off letters to go with my small claims cases. Although there could be a long waiting time for a court case, due to the COVID-19 issue delaying everything. Who knows?

[Kirk]

A number of years ago, there was a friend of mine who was a fellow CPA. He was in his 50's and was married and had 2 daughters, both in there early 20's. He was working in a CPA firm as a partner and began to have an affair with the cleaning woman, who was in her 20's and from Jamaica. Eventually he left his wife and married her and had a son with her. He was very successful and had a house here in Maryland and one in Florida. The marriage began to go downhill and on a Tuesday he called me and he sounded very frail on the phone. He told me he was going through a bitter divorce and he may lose his home in Florida, among other things. He told me he could not take the stress and it was taking a toll on him and he did not know what to do. I tried to help him, but to no avail. Three days later he shot and killed himself.

[Ponder]

I'll take it your not playing any game at the moment Pedro.

Inspiring stuff Kirk.

In relation to boxing gender according to what country or flag they live under - or people in general. I'll just say that never ends well. I much prefer an outlook where I see people as people. They all have to same fallibility and potential.

Yes Pedro - you will have a long wait. Most of the court cases here have slowed to a crawl. Since CV does not discriminate, I'm sure it's the same everywhere when it comes to admin.

PS - I had many transgender friends help me when I was sleeping on the streets. No they did not want to *&^% me. They generally just wanted to help. They were not all from the one country.

[The Scottish Pedro]

Sometimes, I play survival horror games. My YouTube channel hardly gets any views, unfortunately.

https://youtu.be/Tv54pcooe84

[Kirk]

I just clicked on the link you gave for your YouTube channel and it said video unavailable.