When All Else Fails - Befriending Self

[Ponder]

I understand everyone is tied up on this momentous occasion. Xmas - and all ... hehe ... whatever your doing I hope your doing as well as can be. If not - that's OK with me! That said, I do live in hope and looking forward to making myself sick over lunch.

I'll be back after that and a few hours looking of the STEAM store. So hard to find decent games that don't involve killing or beating the *&^% out of people, animals or any living thing. Sigh.

Catch up soon!

[salvator here]

I'm hanging in there, my good man.

Yeah, I wonder where everybody is too. Hope everyone is alright. Seems to be the Ponder and Sal show here as of late for some reason ?!

Tomorrow will be quiet for me...just the way I prefer it

Yeah, I don't like violent games either. Honestly, I am happy lately with the classics with my game Emulators.

Anywho..

I (truly) hope you and your family will have a happy holiday, and a happy and healthy new year in advance if I don't by chance see you before the 31st.

Take good care..

~Sal

[Ponder]

Thanks Sal. All those well wishes back at ya. I'm still with you re the hype.

I ended up treating myself with a premium tanks purchase for World of Tanks. I could of gone worse with CyberPunk or something like that. World of Tanks is my dart board game or something I treat like I would space invaders. The thing I really wish about new game development, is that they would put the same effort they do with AAA games into non-violent games is all. I'm sick of other AAA gamers referring me and others like me with such request back to indie games. I think it's time I can walk around in beautiful ultra high end graphical worlds that do not require draining the life or all around me. Now that said - I think you're onto something there with the classic retro.

Have you heard of MAME emulator? I used the front end to build a cocktail (sit down) table and also once purchase a standing cabinet found in the pinny parlor back in the mid 70s! Those sounds take me back there when I hear them. MAME is an emulator that reproduces closer to the original sounds compared to other retro emulators. It would be a good project actually as my grandson would respond well to the old stick and button methodology. The violence in those games whilst still present a much more tame bat and ball or dart throwing kind of thing Vs kicking the shit out of people in a back alley. Rolls eyes ZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz I'm not going all puritan or anything ... just getting really bored with the over emphasis on such things is all.

Anyways man ... is getting close to 1 am here or will be by the time I close my eyes.

For all of you in the North ... I hope your were all able to go easy on yourself, let you hair down and waistlines go. Nom nom nom ...

All the best.

Thanks again Sal

[Ponder]

The gif is pretty much how I played Scramble: (1981 Konami)
For sound reference click → here!

lol re the 'Ponder & Sal Show'. I understand the reference with the lack of forum activity and all. Is all good. Everyone has their boundaries and limits I guess. There are plenty of other forums to go or try out but it's not really the same as a low key one is it? Quiet day for me. I transplanted a few pots into two plant troughs. Have some yard work ahead of me and a project to dismantle a walkin plant shade area that was poorly constructed by previous residents.

I look forward to completing these tasks but have to pick my times as I am not really acclimated to the heat this summer. I am basically just too unhealthy this year. It's been a big year of negatives (Not Including CV) that has really pegged me back. Alas the new house although taking time to get used to does offer more space and that is good for all of us. I finally got enough space with unpacking to fit the car in the connecting garage.

______________
___
_
Just winding down with this at the moment ... ambient sounds is all: No special whizzbang biofeedback or neural beats. That stuff can help but also the dosing can get out of whack and make my tinnitus worse.

Seems to be working. Do you still have someone akin to a therapist/listener (even just friend) that you can talk to from time to time Sal? Like I do remember you talking about a therapist before? How's that gong?

I'd like to get on my bicycle more often but have to admit I can't think of any place that I really want to go. Traffic can be a real pain these days and sidewalks are starting to present likewise issues for my level of required space and ease of travels. I just lol to think of how crazy I really was on my scooter. The attention that rolls royce of scooter got was something I did not like at all and am sure added to my shenanigans on it despite my efforts to follow the rules. Good old fashioned walking I think it will be. I'll just get a couple of quality pairs to cushion my feet for the walking I have in mind. Last week I made it to the beach where I still had enough in me to walk down the slope to the sand. It was a decent walk ... nice and SLOW:

Despite my huge soft belly the sea water and morning sun felt so good I took off my shirt. I did so walking across an outcrop of rocks toward the water. I stopped closed my eyes and stared at the sun listening to the ripples lapping near my feet; shoes still on - just fat, hairy and bare chested without a care absorbing the sun. Yadda Yadda ...

I'll do treadmill in the morning and the yard work can be my sun for tomorrow. Sounds like a plan.

OK - hope all is well.

Goodnight and may you all have a good day. Peace as best you can find it.

[Enthydr]

Happiness in peace and silence is rare nowadays. Our minds have a way of messing us up even in our silence., especially in our silence.

[Ponder]

Completely agree. How have you been Enthydr. Nice to see you again.

[Ponder]

The thing I am coming to understand about silence is how our relationship to self and the world around us impacts our ability to regulate our state of being. I hope you don't mind Enthydr, but I would like to offer up a little more in the way of understanding and possible solutions to your previous comment other than just simply agree.

Neurosis is entrenched deep within my family and its tree, with nurmourses diagnoses and varioius ongoing interventions/supports. Autism (poorly understood in mainstream) - PTSD - and a host of associated disorders to boot for the greater part of my 51 years (52 this February) well ... I like to this that might have me well placed to poner on the topic of uncomfortable silence - as well as finding peace. Happiness? Well that's a key point that plays into 'The Happiness Trap' by Dr Russ Harris.

Come to think of it. The misunderstandings and misinterpreted meanings of words are all too often the reason for the discomfort we suffer when sitting in silence. More So the way in which we react to negative streams of thoughts. The intensity of such resultant from lengthy bouts of unresloved and pent up emotion. You need not a diagnosis to have a clinical case of what Eckhart Tolle refers to as the pain body. When he talks of such, he does so on a societal level, but then brings it all back down into bite size chunks the we can individually take ownership of ... in order that we can then ease our level of pain. To something more manageable.

You see, 'peace' is not so much the absence of pain, but more so the acceptance of it. In regards to this, I can't underestimate how it is in that our society misrepresents the term happiness. People live in fear of getting old, getting grey, wrinkles, losing strength, job, house, car and on and on. Happiness is primarily sold behind a veil of fear with empty promises such as property, possessions, deeds, standing and likewise things; all of which are identified with a false sense of self. This is how the well to do later in life sucub to the uncomfortable tone of bitterness and dissatisfaction as the impermanence of such things begin to fade and no longer keep pleasing. Well to do or not it is the same for all. Such happiness traps are based on the same delusions and end with the same awareness.

The book I mentioned above is not really my philosophy but it does touch on acceptance. Acceptance a key point to Alan Watts lecture on pain I posted on the previous page. Most of the stuff I link is all interwoven and acceptance is a major part of the problem most of us struggle with. Accepting ourselves I would say. What is left of ourselves or the way we see ourselves after whatever path traveled. Unfortunately acceptance is just another one of those words like happiness that we twist according to our level of awareness and degree of pain or comfort. Comfort a double edged sword for many of us in the west - the land of excess. So many dynamics at play yet the insanity spawn from this need for more makes its way into every corner of the world no matter how rich or poor. Such ideals are our world's ideology that could not have us anymore disconnected with our true selves. To feel so lonely at a time of year where the season demands that we seek to have more than at any other part of the year. This give context to my meaning.

People are becoming more sick with each passing year. You see once you become aware of such things, that is not enough. In fact that's when isolation can set in at it's hardest. Commiseration and the blaming that take part in that process is exactly that; a process. If we can't get past that process where we just let it go ... then we continue to suffer. Continue to hold onto past conditioning and behaviours. It's worth noting that the things we let go off ... often come back up. It's a process that I am coming to see as life long. It' part of life. How much we suffer with it depends on our path as well as ourselves.
__________________________________________

ME - I have 100% been feeling sorry for myself this last year. I have still not let go of the fact that I shit myself regardless of being attack with a pick axe. The fact that I only feel like half a man since I permanently busted my shoulder; a man who once prided himself (regardless of the fact I say I don't like pride) as the strong self reliant type. This last year I have never felt so weak and vulnerable. That's saying quite a bit from a small town rural guy (villages) brought up in a number of foster / children's homes, done stints in a couple of prisons and spent many years homeless up and down the highways and slept in the gutters of a number or cites. Again ... I must say that out of all that, this last year I have never felt so lonely and helpless.

Sigh! Smiles a little to think of the DX of autism comes in at later life. I really wish I could reflect more on that dynamic as complex at that tie into PTSD ... but alas I am nearing my summary of solution whilst slowly tiring. Is all good. Trying not to bore those that know me well enough who have heard it all before. That said there is nothing like a rehash that comes out a little more golden each time redrawn.

SO, how I sleep when the silence is too loud:
Stillness! It helps not to throw things like exclamation marks on the end when wishing to connect with the essence. You don't have to have silence in order to be still. When things are a struggle for me I'll summon up the sound of nature to help drown out most of the predispositions/patterns that I often struggle with: (life long process as mentioned above - episodic in nature - tend to think more nature than clinical. Former more peaceful ... other more unhealthy conditioning.)



Point being though ... it's more about our approach regardless of prevailing thoughts. Awareness in as much as reaching rock bottom with no more energy to keep complaining - no more energy to feed the misery. A level of acceptance is preferable. This often being found in ones attempt to just accept the noise that is. It takes practice. Currently I am back to summoning the rain when there is none outside my window. Thank goodness of online recordings. Other things that help me is my attempt to write as I do in spaces like this. Thankfully make an online friend or two despite my failings. Keep reaching out and above all - try to look towards more solutions Vs blaming. Forgiveness of self and in my case ... forgive myself for feeling so low for as long as I have. To accept how unwell and unhealthy I have become. Do all I can to be ok with being soft, weak and helpless. There is a form of strength to be found in that ... currently despite knowing well how to write on such ... I refrain at this point because I need more time before I get back to that point. It's also OK if I do not. It's preferable for sure. BUT - the thing is not to fall into that trap. AKA as most of the above. I don't seek to drown in my misery as already stated is as much a trap as the false sense of happiness and self.

I'm just putting it out there why some of us struggle the way we do and how it is that I tend to focus on things that help rather than going on all the time about what does not. Laughs one more time because I have drumed so hard on for former and yes it was part of the process. I'm a slow learner is all. That said, I'm feeling a little more inspired Vs not. It takes effort to still the mind when consumed with thought.

Nature ... acceptance of the noise it brings. I see more wisdom in people who have accepted to live with pain, Vs those who strive to live in comfort. Not dissing comfort. Far from it. lol Like I said earlier: 'peace' is not so much the absence of pain, but more so the acceptance of it.

Night guys ... hope your all as well as can be.

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzz

[Ponder]

Tonight I celebrate 30 Years of togetherness with my wife Lisa. I'm pretty sure it's at least this year. She was 18 years old working in a bank office somewhere in Sydney Australia. I had not long gotten off a train having come in from a cotton farm some several hundred miles away. I laugh to think how I had cowboy boots on and a cattleman's hat. Adding to that torn off sleeves being the trademark of Paul Hogan, the guy that played crocodile dundee. I came into the city looking up my father where I landed some work laying carpet. It was after a days work, in a pub, that I told the old man that I would ask the girls over in the corner what bus I should catch to get home. So it was that Dad left me in the pub on my lonesome. Having picked my time I wandered on over to the bar when one of the girls got up to order a drink. I figured since they had kept looking over at my Dad and I earlier it was worth a shot. I just introduced myself and then was invited on over.

That's pretty much how I met my wife. We danced all evening and in the wee hours of the morning Lisa came home with me. We conceived a child pretty much instantly to which Lisa and I was very happy about. Two weeks later Lisa moved out of her parents home against their wishes ... and thus began our long haul of thirty years. They had only given us two years max. They were sorely disappointed and whilst trying to accept it later ended up cut Lisa out of their will. Whilst her family are well off and big on status, they sadly missed the point of what family means to us.



After the 1 st child it did not take long for another one to pop on out and again it was the same with our 3rd. One after the other. I mean there was some space in between. I'm just saying is all. I had already one child to a previous relationship which I was still on the rebound from. I was not happy at first about the breakup but in the end could not of been more happy to of found someone like Lisa who has proven herself so many times over to me. I only wish I could of been more the anchor. I guess we both are in our own ways.

It is regrettable that my wife was later diagnosed with primary progressive multiple sclerosis in her 30's. Once the grey hair took hold I could see depression soon follow. A young women having to deal with the ailments of being old. Best I can say is that we all carry some kind of burnden and that we have been doing the best we can trying not to focus on the obvious hurdles. She could of just as easily of left me for all my PTSD and associated hang ups but for whatever reason we have stuck it out. I can't say for sure if it will always be that way. Nothing stays the same and I don't want to count on it. In fact when I look at our photo above ... I only know for sure just how hard life has been. I'm pretty sure it's the same for everyone no matter what ailments. We did not expect we would have to be raising a child all over again in our 50s but here we are giving it a good slog. Doing what we can for all our kids no matter what. But man ... what I would give to connect with my wife like that once again.

It does worry me the toll our journey is taking - I guess you could say this post is about me reassessing my role and to see if I can do more to make my wife just the little bit more comfortable. My grandson, myself and now my wife are on the same disability funding for similar supports. It's been a long time coming for my wife. I persuaded her to see a therapist about 2 years ago which imo has been crucial for her wellbeing. I can tell she now looks forward to those visits. Hopefully my daughter will start seeing one. That said, we are not pushing for that unless she wants to do it. My daughter has applied for a health fund separate to the rest of us to see the same therapist I am seeing. I beleive she is doing this for a diagnosis to get more appropriate supports.

Anyways - not wanting to live in the past or anything I guess I am just trying to be grateful for the thirty years of togetherness I have had with my wife and also for all the years we have spent with our kids and grandchild. The world has really declined and I see no so called awakening taking place whatsoever. That's not a rosy story but from time to time I do like to acknowledge these would be claims that plays host to much of the confusion that currently reigns.

Right now what matters the most is not all the online drama, but the simple things in life that many of us are being drawn away from with said compulsions and the like. So it is that I share a picture of some of the things I did off my computer. I am working on a new project that I was once into before I or my wife had a home computer. Getting back into creating a garden with pot plants.

It rained today so I reported the large tree like plant on the left with a few seedling flowers in it's pot:





Along the wooden fence there I intend to grow a row of Bamboo (Goldstrip meant for pots) in an attempt to block the neighbors view as well as enclose my side of paradise. I have never grown bamboo in pots. Here's hoping that works out well. Early days yet. Only just planted from a 2 litre pot into a 30cm with the intention to finish with a 40cm one. I may not get full height of 4 meters but I figure it will do what I want. all in good time.



That's a wrap. Another late one. It was nice after falling asleep to rain that I actually woke up to rain in the morning and it's been raining all day. It's been a nice break from the scorching heat.

Night night. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

[salvator here]

Congratulations on your 30 years!!!

What an amazing story and picture - thank you so much for sharing it

Everything you and your family have been through and you're still together - says a lot. Most marriages likely wouldn't have survived the challenges you've faced. Goes to show when you said "I do" [for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health] you meant it.

Happy New Year in advance!

PS - A song for you, in case you haven't already heard it..

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZgalAdgEd-E

[Ponder]

Thanks Sal. Time to ditch the avatar now. I've been having late nights as well. looks like 11pm for me as well. Mind if I ask if you struggle with weight at all Sal. Having such a hard time getting on top of my weight issue at the moment. Just can't summon up enough energy to kick over a matiblisim that evens out what I eat and or I struggle to reduce what I eat to match my lack of energy.

Not much to say tonight ... ZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz