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  1. #1
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    When All Else Fails - Befriending Self

    I never really went anywhere as I found nowhere to go; nowhere to run. I genuinely don't fit into this world on so many levels. So it is back to the drawing board to yet again create another one.

    Yes the world has gone mad, but hey, that's really nothing new. I guess it's more a question re the extreme nature in which it's currently festering and how that is impacting us all. Although I have learned overtime pondering on too many questions is not such a good thing. Pros & Cons to be sure. I have not really recovered since the road rage incident involving one of us coming at me with a pickaxe. My previous PTSD has considerably been exacerbated which has adversely affected my so called miss fit traits. That said, whether I like it or not, I continue to breathe. Thankfully I am finding a few crevasses. Although few and far between, I feel it's but good enough or at least have to believe it will be.

    I've put on a stack of weight, easily tire and overall quite unfit. I'm working on it. In this regard I am trying ever so hard to do my usual recovery strategies but at a much slower pace with barely any desire at all. That's why I have decided to come back and try again. I know the triggers. Don't we all? Yet we seem to be are own worse enemies - not all those others out our front door? The truth seeking is not doing it for me any more. I don't think those movements have made any break throughs and the recycled insights only seem to be making things worse. Hence to say I have only just popped in a few times on that front but quickly move on as disenchanted if not more. That said I still have no issue with what others choose to beleive. It just gets depressing when you see masses of people being so easily misled. I don't so readily dismiss the whatever claims, but the context and agendas of so many groups all seem predispositioned to those well designed algorithms that keep us all entrenched.

    Not sure how the world can continue in its current state, but I'll go with the notion the even at the smallest level we can still create our own space - preferable one that offers an inkling of peace. I'm not hear to tell others how to do that but more wishing it so for myself. The world is a very lonely place right now and with that said I have always found refuge having the ability to talk to myself. More so in a way that seeks to be kind; despite all the mixed emotions and extreme confusion. At least for today that is what I will say. Ponders to think what wolf I will feed on what day and how much to each I will feed? hmmmm. Chuckles to think just how much less I should be eating myself. I admit I have slowly been eating myself to death.

    Where to from here? What acknowledgments? My dreams have been quite disturbing. Many sleepless nights. I've attested to my extremely poor health. Been in a lot of pain - My recovery from surgery still an issue. Just not sure about the weird freaky uncomfortable dreams and extreme state of loneliness. Many stresses I care less to mention continue to build, however the more I work likewise ACT principles, the more manageable those stressed can be.

    I sense it all comes down to the deep seeded loneliness I am feeling at this point; that being which has led me back here. But on the contrary also a sense of hope that does more than sit on it's own. I guess when all else fails one gets back up and befriends them-self.
    Last edited by Ponder; 09-21-2020 at 02:45 PM.

  2. #2
    Welcome back, Ponder!

    I'm sorry things have been so crappy for you. I do hope things improve. You always helped me when I was struggling and I never forgot it.

    Like you, I feel much the same, I fit into this world like a square peg in a round hole. I have no friends and live a reclusive lifestyle these days. And you know what.. I think I prefer it that way atm.

    Yes Indeed, the world has gone ape shit bonkers and it makes it so hard to be around other people. People are not the same since the pandemic, and what I see isn't good, and you're right, it is festering. How can we be expected to not be effected, we are sensitive people. It makes me sad, very sad to see society degrading this way and I only hope we can catch it before its not too late. I think it would be a great idea to create your own space and be true to yourself again. Find joy in the little thing, that is what I've been doing. Take care of your health and your fitness routines could help you get back on track. And trust me, I know those sleepless night all too well, myself. Make it hard to function and drudge through the day.

    I agree, pondering over everything and over analyzing everything to death isn't healthy. I catch myself doing it still. Hard to stop that thinking pattern that only heads down the rabbit hole. Perhaps I think (misguidedly) I can figure out whats wrong if I overthink it enough, when in reality, maybe I just have to go with it and see what happens. Sometimes things are beyond our control.

    I wanted to respond to your posting because you seem to need support and you reminded me that I should be my best friend rather than my worst enemy. I know you know what I mean.

    But, I don't know if you'd prefer to have your thread private and would rather not have replies. If that is the case, please tell me (by either posting it or PM me) and I will delete this.

    Regardless, I do wish you well, and no reply needed of course.

    Sincerely,

    ~Sal
    Last edited by salvator here; 09-22-2020 at 09:35 AM.

  3. #3
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    Hi Sal. Nice to hear from you again. This thread is public and as such I have no issue with either you or anyone else popping in. How people connect, well that's a different kettle of fish. I think the social media algorithms surely don't help. If you have not already seen it, check out The Social Dilemma on Netflix:



    Perhaps you have already seen it?

    _______________

    Thanks for your reply. I'll take whatever support I can get.

    I now plan all my outings around the times for when my support worker comes to visit. Even then, I mostly just ask them to hang and play chess or maybe talk to me while I overcome procrastination and take to my chores. Watching police brutality beatings on the news re lockdown protests have pretty much put me off society completely. Last I saw was a police officer jumping on some guys head after he was already grounded by another 4 police. He ended up in a coma and not sure what happened next. I think some of you have already noted Australia's hard line response with door knocking and the like. Victorian police are well known for this kind of thing. A few reports have come out claiming that Victoria is soon to become a police state. However I care less for all the drama and just go by what I see. It does not look good. So I now try looking some place else. I am lucky to be living in Queensland which seems to be way less affected at this point. Touch Wood.

    I only mention it as I am sure it's negatively impacting not only myself. People caught in the boots of cars trying to cross state borders and so on. Those caught end up with hefty fines and then forced into a hotel for 14 days with another $5000 bill on top of the fines. Some try to commit suicide in the hotel just to get a break for the trip to hospital. People staring at each other in a panic if someone is not seen to be complaint as if everyone is carrying and spreading the so labeled Covid19. I no longer care to either validate it or not. It's more the usual case of how the issue is being dealt with rather than the reported/distorted issue itself. Each to their own view of course.

    Anyways ...

    Sorry to drag that up. What else has been happening?
    Last edited by Ponder; 09-23-2020 at 07:20 AM.

  4. #4
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    Righto. In your own time Sal. I'm just going to continue as I normally do. You or anyone else is welcome to chime in at anytime. Enough acknowledging what does not work and onto what does.

    Today I hit my treadmill and prepare for when the phycologist does his home visit. Best to make the most of the supports I already have. It was a good decision to swap out the electric scooter for the treadmill. At least for me it was. Upcoming highlights include more eBay sales and onto the acquisition of some cordless electric garden equipment so I can get back into looking after my own lawn. The guys that come to do it do a great job and all, but the huge ride on they use for my little patch is imo ridiculously over the top and extremely loud. I could also use the sunshine I was once getting before I took up that support. Not sure how that conversation is going to go but it's one I aiming to have with the yard maintenance guys soon enough.

    The researching on purchases I find a good distraction with all things considered. I don't intend to go on about it like I used to but can say that for as unhealthy as I have become ... that I am in less pain physically than I was a week ago. It's been a huge battle but I think I nailed it this week. Best keep that brief. Moving on.

    I plan to visit my mum once the boarders open up, however I don't think that is going to be any time soon. I can cross the boarder from my end without issue but then can't get back in to return home without a $5000 enforced isolation in whatever appointed facility. I won't be doing that so going to just have to wait.

    I have found a new pc game that I enjoy very much with my long time gaming friend. We have our own server. That's been a welcome distraction.

    Family court is still looking uncertain as usual, but I think we have a good footing in that regard with all things considered. We have escalated things by having withheld our grandson due to a very large build up of evidence of continued abuse whilst in the father's care. So much evidence on several fronts all supporting the little guys case. Looks like I am going to need a much larger suit than I was counting on. The case cannot end quick enough, but I'm in no rush to loose weight.

    OK - enough procrastination. Time for me to give this chair a break. I'll be spending enough hours in it later on.

    Adios. - reply if you wish. Is good to hear from others.
    Last edited by Ponder; 09-23-2020 at 07:04 PM.

  5. #5
    Quote Originally Posted by Ponder View Post
    I think the social media algorithms surely don't help. If you have not already seen it, check out The Social Dilemma on Netflix:



    Perhaps you have already seen it?
    Hi Ponder..

    Yes, Indeed, I have in fact watched that documentary and I LOVED it!! I find anything fascinating concerning internet tracking and social media and how our personal information is being harvested and gathered (and sold). I'm not overly paranoid anymore because I've nothing to hide, really. I only use g~o~o~g~l~e for looking up computer issues and other things that don't pertain to me personally. Usually general things, otherwise I use duck duck go as my go to for anything personal. I don't use social media at all because it triggers me more than it benefits me. I don't like it personally, that's just me though and my personal opinion. I realize its important for some to stay in touch with family.

    Take good care
    Last edited by salvator here; 09-24-2020 at 07:44 PM.
    I'd rather be a 'could-be' if I cannot be an 'are' because a 'could-be' is a 'maybe' who is reaching for a star. I'd rather be a 'has-been' than a 'might-have-been' by far; for a 'might-have-been' has never been, but a 'has' was once an 'are.

    -Milton_Berle

  6. #6
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    As anyone knows I have plastered enough photos and videos of myself for others to know I care less about such privacy concerns. I beleive the point being made in the documentary is not so much about how the information is collected by how it's primarily used to control and influence the masses. The intention of the documentary is to expose the deception and deceit used to bait online (TV) users and in that light; it reveals well how easily led we have all become. Privacy Concerns are peddled like TV News peddles fear in order to ready the sheep for the next level of perception management. Often this is followed up with adverts with like wise agendas, the next news report, tomorrows political announcement, news papers and stock market trends. Like a hypnotist preparing his client to fall in a deeper sleep where the subconscious is then much more pliable.

    Come to think of it ... I think I will bite and sub for YouTube Premium. I like my YouTube, BUT the adds have become INSANE. As for my phone, I've trained myself to uninstall and say NO to everything it asks of me. I've also been leaving it at home a lot more than usual. It's amazing how upset others get when they can't get a hold of me immediately. Sign of the times I guess. I also do not have message bank as that has become a common excuse for so many.

    I admit though I do use discord for gaming ... but that is all I use of for. Forums ... well that's actually another facet in itself. I guess there are pros and cons to everything. Knowing how deception management works really helps though. That makes it at least bearable in order to get the pros out of things like google and YouTube. Speaking of which I think I will go and finally sign up to premium now.

    Yea ... taking care U2 Sal

  7. #7
    Yes the political announcements are wearing me out too. I just don't have the funds to pay for youtube premium unfortunately. Oh well.. ho-hum.. I deal with it

    That's great to hear you've been uninstall what you don't need, and things and apps (and such) that only distract you from real life and your overall well-being. Can you believe I don't even have a smart phone?! Yes you read that right. I feel as it would only be another distraction to pull me away from getting my life together and on track. I'm still not there yet though, and I'm avoiding important things. Avoiding things I guess for self preservation. I don't know how to put it today so for that I apologize.

    Right now, forums are good enough for me.

    Hope you have a good one
    I'd rather be a 'could-be' if I cannot be an 'are' because a 'could-be' is a 'maybe' who is reaching for a star. I'd rather be a 'has-been' than a 'might-have-been' by far; for a 'might-have-been' has never been, but a 'has' was once an 'are.

    -Milton_Berle

  8. #8
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    Whatever works Sal. I hope this finds you well.


    Have been into the new Microsoft Flight Sim of Late. Speaking about Late. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

  9. #9
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    I'll share this one with the folks here. This is me flying over the Gold Coast in Australia. These flight sims just keep getting better. : )


  10. #10
    Nice flight! A lot of people would love to do what you do, including me. �� Things are pretty much crazy everywhere, and people are adjusting to the new normal. It's nice to be up there alone if you get the chance, happy alone time.

 

 

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