Welcome to the Anxiety Forum - A Home for Those with Anxiety, Fear, or Panic Attacks.
Panic 468x60
Page 2 of 7 FirstFirst 1234 ... LastLast
Results 11 to 20 of 62
  1. #11
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Oct 2013
    Location
    Australia
    Posts
    6,130
    Wishing you all the best. I find talking to myself helps:


  2. #12
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Oct 2013
    Location
    Australia
    Posts
    6,130
    Good Evening. Back into the buying and selling again. My 32:9 monitor arrived and I could not be more pleased. It worth the risk seeing as I already had a decent 21:9 backup. Basically swapping out my ultrawide PC display for a super ultrawide display. I removed my other videos as the recordings were imo too choppy. I hope this one is a little better. I recording in the average 16:9 ratio for my daughter tonight as I flew over England. I was astounded to be getting more than 100 frames per second on Microsoft flight simulator. That's kind of a big deal. Seams my hardware selection over time is paying off. That said I'm not playing into the 4K range yet and care less to be as I really thing it's overhyped and the trade of on performance vs big dollars simply is not worth it. I would rather play ultrawide in 1080p.

    Not to worry ... this recording was not about hardware but simply about finding my way from Manchester and a few places in-between my daughters workplace and where she is currently living in the UK. I have plenty more trips to do there. I absolutely love the terrain and learning more about the place as I go along. I always wished my parents had never moved to Australia. To be fair it would no doubt be the other way around I am sure had I been born in the UK.

    Yadda Yadda ... here is a pic of my latest setup ... in my bedroom now:


    What else? Life goes on of course. I really can't wait till this damn family court case is all over and done with. We all do. We have full house now with our little one's mum seemingly going to stay with us. The little one is not so little anymore and quite a handful. Special needs can sure be tiering, but all the more reason we are fighting to keep him with the only family he has ever known. Other than the main compulsory things society expects others wise marginalizes and penalizes for, we pretty much all just stick to the house. Actually not so with our grandson. He gets a lot of sessions doing a lot of things he likes to do. Just saying when we are not focusing soley on him, the rest of the world out our front door is and has before covid been a non particapary event soley of our own choice. I see nothing productive going beyond that except to say why I invest so much into the digital world.

    In a bit of pain tonight. I think I will go take a pill. BRB

    Not sure what I did to my wrist. Feels broken. LOL. Yea we go. hahahaaa. WTF-ever. Best make a post and put that one up in the hypochondriac sub section. Combination of getting used to the new electric trimmer that is not that ergonomic (will work something out for it) + the new desk height threw me out as well. Just had on aging spot iced. I guess as long as there is always still something falling off, that means I am still alive. Not that I am counting my breaths. Chuckles. Sigh. Life is grand. At least my should is starting to finally heal. I am slowly packing things for our intention to move. Need more space. Doing so in the midst of a rental crisis but that's ok.

    Well ... this pill is starting to take effect. Might go lay down and let this video upload.

    Hope this finds others well.

  3. #13
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Oct 2013
    Location
    Australia
    Posts
    6,130
    Uploaded: Microsoft Flight Simulator 100+FPS


  4. #14
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Oct 2013
    Location
    Australia
    Posts
    6,130

    Warning - Ramble involving Suicide Pain and Suffering!

    Still moving towards building a semi cockpit project. Right now I am testing with smaller monitors on another flight sim separate to Microsoft Flight Simulator. It's not as graphical but it does support Multiple monitors. Happy with the results I am currently auctioning my previous ultrawide monitor:



    The funds from that sale (and a couple of others) are going toward two curved 27 inch monitors that will fit snuggling along side the ultrawide pictured below. THEN I will be happy. ... Laughs hysterically. Sigh. You get the drift: Below are two smaller monitors on the side I was just testing with. Turns out X-plane11 does the job pretty well.



    So it is that I have been pretty focused working out the software and hardware with the whole flight sim hobby. It's relly helped to keep me distracted in a somewhat positive way to an otherwise clinical depressive state.

    I hope you guys don't mind me sharing my hobby like so? I am not meaning to boast or show my 'things' off. There are plenty of simmers out there with fully fledged cockpits worth tens of thousands more than what I have got. It's taken me near 2 years to build up into this setup with buying and selling. I like to take advantage of our good eBay account.

    Anyways ... that is the flight sim story thus far. Who knows when I will burn out. The thing I like about my computer hobbies is that it rates as one of the best when it comes to putting on the shelf and them coming back.

    What else?
    _______________________________________________

    Warning - Ramble involving Suicide Pain and Suffering!

    Well the guy that held a knife to his throat and told my daughter he was going to kill himself ... (just before my support worker and I helped her move out) ... Hung himself just the night before last. I had to explain to my daughter that whilst it's ok to feel sad, that she should not blame herself and that's exactly why she needed to moved out. She felt compelled to go check out the details. I tried to explain that it was best to stay out of it as drama will ensue and old ties would seek to cling and attach as well as our addictions to self pitty become just another entrapment. I was able to talk explain about a guy that I took to court who wound up actually laying himself down on a tarp in his small garden tin shed we it was told to me he used a boning knife to slice open his throat. He too died. Both these guys were facing Jail time. Here's the thing:

    I've been close to taking my own life ... so too my daughter. Many of us can relate to the pain that drives us to such despair. I've done my time in Jail as well. Thankfully my daughter has not yet had to endure such a trip ... however my oldest boy has ridden the residual effect of what Eckhart Tolle calls the pain body and done a stretch. Systemic issues don't just arise from one dysfunctional family - it can spread like wild fire, yet we are taught to localize such undesirables. Sigh. I actually feel for the guy that made me crap my pants most recently when he came at me with a pick axe, the guy I took to court who slit his throat and now this one that was abusing my daughter who just hung himself.

    Takes a deep breath. You know ... Yesterday I terminated a meet and greet because I felt that the healer I was interviewing/meeting just did not get it when I told her that my life is filled with pain and suffering and that I actually had no problem with it. That that part of my life did not need fixing. She asked me to give her some background so she could get a picture of me. After doing my best to explain the former she came up with "Living in the past ..." I stopped her as soon as she came out with that as to ask why she even mentioned such a thing? "Who is living in the past?" I asked immediately. I am only drawing from the past on your request. From there this healer came out with all the hall marks of enlightened work shop teachings you can get for nothing online.

    No more holistic healing for me. Too much quackey. From now on I am just sticking with clinical massages without all the aroma therapy, crystals, and god knows what else paraphernalia. I chuckle to think that when I finished with the list of dead people who in my book understandably knocked themselves off from a world of shit, (still do all the time) and then ventured into my own past abuse, sins, labels and then talked about watching my autistic grandson having to suffer the judgements of this world + watching my wife slowly succumbing to a debilitating illness with each passing year ... more so under the weight of a corrupt family court system (dragging on for several years) bent on it's own authority more than it's intended purpose for human rights ... bla bla and bla.

    That my friends is just life for some of us. We all have our stories. I don't see life easy up any time soon. That's just the back story and in my wife's and I opinion from out perspective we have come to accept this world as nothing more than utterly cruel. My computer devices, screens, car and possessions mean nothing to us when we think in terms of doing all we can to protect our family and other close friends from this shitty world. We still try and smile, joke and laugh off the insanity and pain ... the one thing we don't do is tell ourselves that we manifested all that BS. And we never ever tell anyone who tells their sad fucking tale that they brought all that shit on themselves.

    Be very, VERY wary of people that do.

    Not sure I made any sense. I know I am fucked up too. I forget more and more words when speaking with each passing day.

    THE GOOD NEWS - My wife is feeling better about our position re the court case. We have worked so hard filling and recording everything that no matter how complex this evil system makes things we have all the boxes check. No one was able to adequately counter our withholding grandson. All the supports, therapists and various other professionals have reports that back our claims. Long story short ... it's good to see my wife feeling a little more relaxed on that front. Whilst I see her slowly giving in under the weight of unnecessary complex road blocks - I do see how she draws strength from the simple process of being there for our grandson. She still does her work at the courthouse which also seems to give her purpose and space away from other tasks. Moving house, dealing with our daughters needs on top of the little fella is all tiering to be sure, yet there is also a momentum that keeps her going with such things. The one thing we need to be gone is this damn family court case.

    I hate to think of all the pain and suffering that has been deal to us with regards to pondering the uncertainty of it all, yet we have has some pretty good wins in our story as well. I do fear for my wife if at the final hearing they rule in the fathers favor. For those that know the story of our grandson, his affliction and the abuse at the hands of his father ... it would be the greatest injustice of all ... yet that is how authority rules in our world. It's not about right and wrong .. it's about bowing down and doing as one is told Those who dare to speak out or buck the system are severely punished and in that process the innocent are life long damaged all for the sake of ruling egos. I also fear how I will react when this fucked up world wishes to brow beat and give me an attitude test. Pffft ... Just going to have to bend over in that process and take it up the ass as usual. hahaaaa LOL. What the fuck ever. Let's have a little healing session on that shall we.

    Righto ... Better out than it!!!

    Have a fabulous day peoples!

  5. #15
    Quote Originally Posted by Ponder View Post
    We still try and smile, joke and laugh off the insanity and pain ... the one thing we don't do is tell ourselves that we manifested all that BS. And we never ever tell anyone who tells their sad fucking tale that they brought all that shit on themselves.

    Be very, VERY wary of people that do.

    Not sure I made any sense. I know I am fucked up too. I forget more and more words when speaking with each passing day.!
    Sorry, Ponder, to only quote this part, but it reached out and grabbed me. Let me first say.. I'm glad you are able to recognize the bright spots, and the good things you are experiencing. Given what you're dealing with, that is an accomplishment!

    To be perfectly honest with you.. Suicide crosses my mind daily, and I struggle to sort of push it away (sorry, see I don't make much sense either), sort of let it pass, I guess; and it usually does. Some days when I look at the big picture I get overwhelmed and wonder how I can possibly get through this. Some days are worse that others, though. I think I allow the negativity to rule over the progress I've made, sometimes I let it get me. While it may seem I am chipper because I joke and post upbeat messages - I'm doing just what you said - trying to smile, joke and laugh off the insanity and pain!

    Again, I'm sorry, struggling to find the right words, and I''m certain I'm failing you here with this, but I feel what you're saying and I mean well.

    I also don't care much for people that say we bring on our own misery. Fuck that! Nobody would chose to be sad and depressed, and hopeless!!

    "Let's have a little healing session on that shall we."

    I agree and think there is healing when viewing others pain and suffering, as we learn to reflect on our own worries and anguish, and sometimes, it bring comfort to know, at least, we're not alone here - we still have one-another even though we're miles and oceans away in different countries, I feel as though some people here are extended family. Maybe we can get through this together.

    I'm glad you're back posting, as I think you do need a place to unload and vent, or whatever.

    Wishing you all the best - Everyone here the best.

    Yours Truly..

    ~Sal
    I'd rather be a 'could-be' if I cannot be an 'are' because a 'could-be' is a 'maybe' who is reaching for a star. I'd rather be a 'has-been' than a 'might-have-been' by far; for a 'might-have-been' has never been, but a 'has' was once an 'are.

    -Milton_Berle

  6. #16
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Oct 2013
    Location
    Australia
    Posts
    6,130
    Thanks Sal. It means so much to be acknowledged and you expressed that very well. I'm so glad we can still catch up from time to time. Your words come at just the right time for me. I know you and others can't be there all the time, but your right though, having some kind of space is very important, just as is having some kind of connection.

    Thank You.

  7. #17
    You're very welcome
    I'd rather be a 'could-be' if I cannot be an 'are' because a 'could-be' is a 'maybe' who is reaching for a star. I'd rather be a 'has-been' than a 'might-have-been' by far; for a 'might-have-been' has never been, but a 'has' was once an 'are.

    -Milton_Berle

  8. #18
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Oct 2013
    Location
    Australia
    Posts
    6,130
    Nothing much to report. Still consumed with learning how to fly. Learning every aspect I can from upping the realism of starting a plane from a cold state, taxing off the runway and planning my flights. Autopilot is taking me quite some time as too basic navigation to be honest. I'll get there soon enough. In the mean time I figured the best way to give myself a break from the Flightsim was to naturally get some good grounding with a Truck Sim. lol. The money I got from my previous monitor ended up going on the Steering Wheel and pedal setup. Nothing over the top .. just entry level stuff which looks a little like this:


    I ran out of money on this purchase so going to have to wait on getting the matching shifter which looks pretty good. That said, I am only desiring to go Automatic Transmission in the newer European Trucks. I just want to relax and since swapping out my damaged manual car for a newer Auto - I am enjoying a much more relaxing experience when having to drive. I'm done using the keyboard with sims since starting to use Sim Gear. At any rate ... Life has been just fine losing myself in the new super ultra wide. Far better to drive on roads where others don't exist ... chuckles at the thought. Still waiting for wheel to arrive and yet to install. I bought up some must have DLC with a few good maps so ready to go when it all arrives.

    What else is happening.

    I have to admit it's hard getting to bed on time of late with all this researching I have been doing. If it's not buying and selling to enable this new found hobby, it's all the learning. It need not be a bad thing ... just need to come up for fresh air from time to time.

    My support worker now comes 4 days a week. Another acquaintance that I really did not know came off life support after being king hit in the back of the head. He was only 33 and quite a harmless guy. This world is really getting hard to endure. At any rate I am thankful for my supports and do what I can for my wife, daughter and grandson. I am cleaning pretty much all the time when I an not on my computer. I had to let the cleaning support we had go as they were to inconsistent which was really getting in the way of what I was doing in between which was getting things ready for them. Picking up off the floor, rinsing dishes, loading the washing machine, stacking dishes and so on. It's such a let down when they don't come and kills my desire when that happens kind of thing. When the support is constant it is good. How it works is you become inclusive gaining motivation with such supports. Before I got help my room used to look like this:



    That's not mine ... but you get the point. This is what it's like when life really becomes a struggle and you become non functional. Of course it's different for different folk. Since I got help I have been getting in a good routine with cleaning making sure things are set to go with the cleaner comes ... but when they don't start turning up and take days off without any notice and it starts to happen more and more regular, that kind of support makes things worse. So I am back to doing what I can. My wife finds it so hard after doing all that she does re appointments for not just herself but the little one too. She like me is on disability for her own legit illness and in the process on getting on the same scheme as me. Then there is my daughter who literally lives in here room day and night ... I also now find myself picking up after her. Is good that she is back with us though. I would not want it any other way. The little guy ... LOL ... he just throws anything to the floor that he is either finished with or does not like. Yea yea ... whatever. You have to be in my life to understand and when it comes to autism you do not have the luxury of telling others how it is done. Those kinds of people need their own heads read.

    Yadda Yadda ... I thought I had nothing to write about. Turns out I do. I best go finish the kitchen shortly. I am struggling with my weight big time and also reflux but whatever. I will work it out. Getting out with my support worker after he too helps me clean has been a huge help. He understands me well. I am lucky he is still able to work with me.

    What else???

    I want to improve ... suffer less. That is true ... not thrive or bounce up and down selling some new wave motivational speech. Those days are seemingly winding down very quick. I Just want to get enough sunlight and find the passion to bounce on my mini tramp I once wrote so passionately about. If I can mange just that ... that would no doubt improve the quality of my escape time in my sims as to also make cleaning and helping others less of a chore.

    That's about it ... my wife and grandson just came in. I go see if they picked up my wheel from the post office.

    Oh yea ... I can't wait till my grass grows. I absolutely love the electric garden care gear. Things are better since I started going back to doing that myself. The guys still come, but like I say ... all these supports work so much better when I include myself.

    Adios

    until next post.

    PS - Hope this finds you well.
    Last edited by Ponder; 10-22-2020 at 02:14 AM.

  9. #19
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Oct 2013
    Location
    Australia
    Posts
    6,130
    The fact that I don't have the passion to write as I once did worries me a little. Even if it was macabre at least I was driven. I guess I am all burnt out and even if I could muster a question, It would be full of more doubt than an inkling of inspiration. From where this source of despair comes I can write fairly accurate on, however have come to see that most likewise writers typically become pegged more the issue by their contemporaries. Is akin to the stereotyping that seeks to alienate anyone, group or concept that highlights truth that all to often thrives on contention. Therefore nothing good will come from the tact. Even the morbid poems of old don't do it for me anymore. Cuckles at that thought.

    I just need more sleep. Although for some that can be too much. Yawns. ZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzz I think I do some trucking first.

    Create some new rituals. Mix things up a little. Sounds like a plan.

  10. #20
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Oct 2013
    Location
    Australia
    Posts
    6,130
    Well it's another day full of pain but I know there are better choices I can make. Rather than embed a shallow image of outstretch arms silhouetted by the rising sun; instead I will write about some of those better choices already made.

    I set upon the challenge of cleaning the computer workshop that was wedged into the corner of a small living space. Not long ago I moved my computer setup into my room as pictured somewhere above. That has proved to be a bad idea for obvious reasons. Other than impact on sleep, my room is far to small for the setup I have. I could shrink my needs to this here laptop on the tiny table outside where I now sit, however that would shrink my digital world and that will not do.

    Alas, today I should start moving my PC setup back out into the main we it should always be. Until we get a larger house it will do. Today I shall keep working on that. The charity computer venture will still do will go on hold until will move. That was the workshop I was referring too. Another good thing that has come from all that was cleaning out my shed.

    Oh yea - swapping out my petrol lawn maintenance gear was also a great decision I recently made. No more breathing in petrol fumes so often attributed to unregulated garden gear. Much lighter to push and carry as well. Still waiting for the grass to grow as I enjoy cutting it so much more. It's way more quieter and I can do it later or earlier in the day without annoying others as much as they do each other. Even the blower is quiet with a low setting more than adequate that sounds more like an indoor vac. That said, the model I chose could if need be piss the neighbors off as well. Thankfully for all, that is not an option as that creates more dust than it seeks to blow.
    ____________________

    I think that is enough ... Maybe the next time I write I can continue to write about good choices already made. For now I skip on wishful typing. Voicing out what is that I want. To be sure it has it's place - but in terms of where I have been and the fact that I have been unable to move for so long, well it just makes more sense to focus on the good already been done.

    I've got an idea for today. I know I am in a lot of pain given all the bad choices I have made - that is enough to say.

    Until tomorrow … I move on with today. Moving be the key word for me.
    Last edited by Ponder; 10-24-2020 at 03:27 PM.

 

 

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •  
Driving Large