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Thread: In Tears

  1. #1
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2012
    Haddenham (Cambridgeshire)

    In Tears

    For a long time I've felt on edge, like I'm about to breakdown in floods of tears. Sat here in a bathroom stall at work, ive finally unravelled.

    The office has families of seagulls with fledglings. As soon as I saw them walking near the edge - my "what if's" fired off. This time, the catastrophic thinking came true and it fell off the roof. I told my manager and rushed outside. I rang the RSPB and RPSCA who advised they couldn't help. So I rang a vet, then rushed back into the office to get a box, made holes in it and rushed it to the vet.

    Car was baking hot out in the sun, so I turned the AC on and directed all vents to the box. Driving with one hand holding the sat nav on the phone. Trying to make sense of somewhere I'd never been before. All the while making gull noises to try and calm the bird down - because I'm an effing retard. The girl I spoke to before driving there came outside - she was pretty, and covered in piercings. I felt a bit calmer - until drive back. When the adrenaline was wearing off and my autopilot mode gave way to doubt, anxiety and grief.

    I came back to the office in tears. Someone said with a smirk that 3 have already fell off the roof this year. I couldn't understand his lack of emotion. Another person who saw me putting the bird in a box said he saw one fall off the roof and they named it and it hobbles around the yard now. I can't understand how people can be like this. You know what, for the first time I think people in my office saw the real me, no mask, no filter - just me.

    I thought I could tough it out - but sat right outside my window is the parent gull, constantly crying out. And it was too much. I rushed into the toilets and broke down.

    The icing on the cake was in a meeting with my supervisor he says I have to work through lunch breaks next week to make up the time I wasn't working. I look around the office, people are as normal - working, laughing and joking. I'm back at my desk now feeling like I could go a third round of crying. I don't dare look out the window at the birds anymore - the one enjoyment I had being sat where I did in the office.

    I know being emotional feels more like a weakness than a strength, and I know it's probably more catastrophic thinking, or overgeneralisation. But I don't want to work here anymore. It's avoidance behaviour through and through - but I can't face it.

    I found watching the birds so uplifting, but after yesterday's near panic attack and now this. I don't think I can do it anymore.

    I looked at job vacancies yesterday. As usual - nothing I'm qualified for. Anything I could apply for is meanial and poorly paid.

    I've had enough. Roll on the weekend. Whilst I'm not going to go back to substances - sometimes the raw emotions of being sober feel like too much.

    How strong, how costly, the urge to fight our fate and turn back time. But life is meant to be consumed, not preserved to ward off doom. One can surely die from fear, before the end is ever near.

  2. #2
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Oct 2013
    Out & About :)
    I'm not sure if people are inherantly evil, but they sure do end up that way. That said, I can envisage many men from times past stoping on a battlefield taking a moment to reflect on a dead plant. Those that don't get it simply have not suffered, or more likely not suffered enough.



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