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Thread: Ponder

  1. #21
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    Nailed No Junk Food Today - Also kept my intake low. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz Detoxing to be sure.

  2. #22
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    Huge Day - Probably should not of run the battery down on the new scooter having not even given it it's first charge. Will have to range test it after it's 1st big charge, however not sure I am up for that given my back needs a little rest after today's 22km from one side of town the to other. It really is frigen awesome. I did an hours walk this morning and also this afternoon. Ate pretty good today - no sugar and salt additives whatsoever and portion size really good. Need to buy some more carrots and use as a filler when cravings hit. Might go to the beach with wife and grandson tomorrow - see what happens. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz Have still been using the rain sounds to get to sleep.

    9:30pm ... I am hitting the sack ... feeling good enough to sleep. Maybe write when I have enough space and time about the 1st scooter ride. It really was something.

    Goodnight ...

  3. #23
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    Excellent day with food. It's not easy keeping straight with others eating all the stuff I need to stop. My wife does not suffer the addiction or self abuse ways I tend to go when I am using food. Nevertheless it is hard when she breaks into a little of this or that. I'm starting to head back into the Raw food category and dropping the meat. Already starting to feel a little loser - BUT - still detoxing and will for quite some time I think. Made myself a big list and will have to keep focused on that tomorrow. I'll also weigh in as well and compare with my last ticker.

    Today's activity .. I went to the beach but was feeling tired. Yesterday was quite a big one and once again ... feeling the detoxing. Thus I was glad I could use me electric scooter to visit a friend. I am still getting used to it's powerful dual 1000 watt motors. For the most part I was able to appear graceful. I am getting over the glamour and vanity that such attentions that might come from owning such a thing. It is doubtful that currently, there is another in the town like it ... and or rarely seen ... so what I once considered a confidence boost is kind of starting to make me feel more spotlighted than anything cool or special. BUT then again I am also aware that I can push through my self image hangups by just focusing on how to handle the power of the thing. I have to make sure I am in the right setting and not pushing the accelerator to hard whilst balancing in some tight positions waiting on raise islands in the middle of a four lane crossing. Things can easily go from cool looking to full blown clown with this beast of an e-scooter if your not prepared. Thus far I won't ware earbuds until I have mastered the thing. All that said ... I did a 12km round trip to visit are friend as if I had driven my car. That's how I felt when I got home and at my friends I sat down and talk as if I had arrived in my car. The only sweat I really had to contend with, was my head under the helmet and mostly because of how hot summer can get in Australia.

    Righto ... still early. Not even 7:30. I feel tired enough to sleep well enough. Last night I slept good enough. I just watch some mindless stuff and again have an early night (by comparison of old) and see what tomorrow brings when I get up.
    ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzz

    I'll weigh in then.
    Last edited by Ponder; 01-18-2020 at 03:26 AM.

  4. #24
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    The early night seems to of backfired on me. Some really loud neighbours down the street had it so that when I did wake, it was to their thumping. Thankfully there might be a storm rolling in. One can only hope. If not - is all good. Despite feeling hollow with a craving to eat stuff that is not good for me, I am actually feeling pretty good with the aches and pains. That's not a bad trade off. Although emotionally I am dealing with a LOT of stuff and it just seems like it's relentless with no end in sight, I really do feel like I am done with complaining. Frustration and anger do still reside in me along side depression and all those other negative long term traits that come about from unfortunate experiences. Cycles of wanting to leave, coming back then leaving only to come back again. I smile to think of how just true those words on all counts are for me.

    I have proven to myself with recorded bouts in previous threads that I have the capacity for peaceful moments. I've even been able to string them together to resemble some kind of peaceful existence, although cyclic as that may be. Mental Illness really is one of an episodic nature. Only when I give up the poison and put myself through these detox periods do I seem more able to connect reach a state outside my racing thoughts. There's that hollow feeling I woke up with, BUT, then there is also a sense of knowing that speaks with more awareness; than I do to myself and others during my anxiety filled days. I really need to sit with that awareness so much more often than I have ever cared to try before. There is more anxiety coming to be sure. What makes this next bout of clean living more challenging is a sensing of what is to come, yet that I really can't know for sure as that time never really comes. What's key right now, is knowing what's taken place and how that's affected others close to me and myself - accepting my reactions Vs knowing my emotion.

    So much despair, bitterness and anger all in that order from one ep to the next ... where in the end we either continue to hate ourselves and others - OR we truly accept our and others pain. It really does seem to be either one of two ways. A life long journey to be sure.

    Well ... the rain is now falling. Small mercies. I think I will try to go back to sleep and let this awareness sit for a long as can be. Let others complain and hate as they must ... for now I just focus on myself and those closest to me.

    ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz Take two ...
    Last edited by Ponder; 01-18-2020 at 08:29 AM.

  5. #25
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    Sunday Weigh In: Last week results: 93.4 - This wee I have lost 1.8kg - Total lost over the last couple of weeks = 4.5kg

    This weeks results:



    Lucid Dreaming:
    Despite the upset last night I think the better part of that write up helped me get back to sleep. I find myself once again entering into lucid dreaming. I was in some kind of hospital throwing my guts up. The staff actually seemed like healers despite the walls and ceiling. That said, I think they were a little perplexed as to what was happening to me. I really got into the part of experiencing. Especially with throwing up and paying attention to what came out and relieved I felt afterwards. I think the experience was a good one. I count the experience of feeling, of being, and actually living in my dream more important than remembering. I remember enough. The more I try to unravel such worlds, the more I loose connection. It's usually a good sign when I am having those kind of experiences. I was getting them on the meds, but somehow there is a difference when I do it with detoxing, abstinence and super clean eating. It's early days yet. The difference I talk about another time.

    This Weeks Approach:
    "You can't do that, you'll go into starvation mode!" ... "You need carbs!" ... "You can't live without meat!" ... "You can't live on fruits and Veggies alone!" ... "Organic is the only way!" ... and so and so forth. I've pretty much done it all and when I get it right I soon forget that magic list of how it all worked for me. To keep it simple ... this week I will only be having two meals a day with weigh loss friendly fruits and high density veggies in between - BUT mostly water with the odd herbal tea. Timing will be based on how I am feeling as for now I can feel myself living off the fat. That is to say I am seemingly passing the stage of not feeling hungry - OR - in that phase where I know the difference between cravings and anxiety. The latter a real issue when it comes to me and food. I'll find tune the gist of this approach later through the week and see what the next weigh in brings.

    Other Factors:
    All that the other factors still come into play but not something I will log in at this stage other than to name them for the sake of locking into the back of my brain. Weighing all these is not so easy but plays a big part as when that balance falls apart, the poison soon creeps back in.

    Walking
    Sensible Sunlight Exposure
    Circadian Routine
    Increased Hygiene - Both Psychical and Sleeping Environment
    Relationships
    Chores
    Free Time (brake from family responsibilities)
    __________________________

    A few points missing and more info on each would be interesting.
    Today I go get more fresh food and work on some of the above.

    Hope to get in a scooter ride somewhere in all that as well.

  6. #26
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    Struggled hard today. Pleased to say I made through.

    I am aware of the negitive vibes ... but will stay true to my resolve and do my best not to feed it. Those reading will come to thier own conclusion.

    I reject all that hate and humilation, but only do so whilst accepting all that which resides in me.

    Live and let others be.
    Zzzzzzzzzzzz night night.

  7. #27
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    FIGHT OR FLIGHT - Eternal Conflict That Keeps Us Bound.

    I think I gain a lot from seeing how it is that I do both; fight and flight. Although the main context on the subject typically talked about, is the back and forth switching/jerking of deeply felt negatively impacting emotions. Some us with chronic mental illness will feel it like a constant throbbing. I often wonder whether I'm growing some kind of cyst or not. That's not to say I can't be stable and suffer the same thing. In fact there are many times where the struggle becomes harder the more I try to pretend such suffering does not exist. I often find myself acting out. During such times when doing so I am aware that I have become unstable and often remove myself from both triggers and source. There are others times where I become more at home with such negativity. The latter more in line with addiction; aka attachments. I think everybody has a predisposition to both. It's hard not to get sucked into all that negativity. It's really is a black hole. Social media and even forums like these are seemingly becoming worse for such things. Yet here I am myself. Best I can say to that, is "it's not the place I call home that make me, me. More so what I say and think, is what makes my home, home.

    It goes way beyond that ... but that's a good start. I'd only add to that, where I focus makes or breaks that start. Hence to say this is the main reason I'm not biting into the negativity that's feeding those who thrive on such misery. I have never really liked the act of commiseration of any kind. There is no definition that anyone can come up with when using such a limited language. Especially when it's expressed with such a tone. Nevertheless it does spread like wildfire and this is what drives the mob mentality. I'm still looking into all kinds of fascinating conspiracies that deal with the way in which malevolent and corrupt higher powers manipulate and control. Not so much for the Hollywood Drama, but for a greater understanding of how my own mind works. Once I understand the infectious nature of such negative energies, I feel much more able in my attempts to find peace. It also helps in locking others out that you know are trying to control; be it higher powers or simply little triggers. Typically both where once is doing the others bidding; with or without knowing.
    __________________________________

    I best get ready. Cleaner is coming. I want to straighten things out a little before she arrives. This support has been a huge help. I now find myself being cleaner then I was before. I still need to work on it, but it's been a massive improvement. The yard care also another element of my supports. Permanently affected and warranted. Yet somehow I am feeling OK when I write like I did above. In this view I reject those labels that have me warranted, yet there is much truth within the symptoms. I look forward to my 1st meeting coming up on the 29th with a new ASD/ADHD therapist. I have been getting roasted more and more of late in not just only this forum but others as well when I ask simple questions using too many words. Often I do no understand what others are saying, and then they laugh all the more. Of course when I play into it, it starts to make my head throb as described before. Thankfully I am seeing that process of negativity play out as also previously outlined. My episodic nature certainly does not help.

    For now though ... this change of tune is helping. It's far from cowering. Quite the opposite in fact.

    Today's challenge is to ride my scooter into a shopping center car park with pride. hehe I love that damn sexy scooter. Truth is, no one is laughing at me. I do however see a LOT of envious looks, some less positive, but many with genuine smiles. That more than makes up for those few who thrive on the above.
    So if you will excuse me, I have an open coffee house to attend where I can show off my ride ... I best stick to drinking water though as that part of my routine is also going well.

    Adios ... ....
    Last edited by Ponder; 01-19-2020 at 04:50 PM.

  8. #28
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    On Target Zzzzzzzzzz 👍

  9. #29
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    Keeping Things Real

    Time to start journaling with some photos like I used to do.

    First things first ... Presenting Ponder and his grandson:

    My Number One Human Being: Little Joe Joe.


    How quick time goes!



    I'll finish with something else close to my heart right now:


    Man that thing flys. I am yet to take it up to 60km/h. Yet to find an appropriate stretch of road and the right time. Might help if I also get some more experience. I have nearly clocked up 100km. This has truly been a Godsend for me. I am making trips across town not too far off the times that it takes when I am using my car. Although I don't get to use my car that often as my wife uses it mostly running little joey and herself around. I attend a lot of my own appointments centered around my mental health. It's big business these days as I am sure some of you know. Chuckles a little at that. For instance, I have the psychotherapy sessions to keep up, GP (do my best to avoid those, but needed to roll over subsidies here and there) Psychiatrist (still seeing one) - mental health group - Holistic Therapy and the odd meetup with a mental health peer here and there. Adding to this maybe a new support worker ... but not really sure. Have enough on my plate for now with the family court and the little guy starting school very soon. Have had to step up a bit with more chores in the house now we have the little one full time.

    Which is pretty much why I am doing my best to get on top of my health. I can't afford to keep using food as a filler for stress. At my age, that's a quick and or sorry long drawn out death. That little guy has been with us all the way since he was birthed. (full time supported daughter and grandson but now he lives full time with us) Sad to say his mum cut and run ... but I understand how the pressure of the system can do that to a person. The latter word there sounding off persecution in my head. This world loves to blame and shame.

    The latest news on that front, We were contacted by the little fella's psychologist who after listing to some audio file my wife made re our grandson coming back all distressed from his fathers visit - we have been advised to contact child protection to make a notification against the father. During his last 3 day visit, my grandson was forced into a strict regime of toilet training. Like I said before, the little guy is ASD lvl 2. I think his father is embarrassed that he is still in nappies. Long story short, the father has already beaten my grandson when he was 16 months old and also abuse another one of his children for having pooed in their nappy. Anyways, Little Joey there has been telling us how he is now again getting hit. It's sad that it is going on, but I am really proud that the little guy is strong enough to let us know. It all goes deeper than that and whilst some here who support smacking kids ... well ... we won't tolerate having our grandson treated like that. Poor kid is going to have enough of a hard time stating in a state school still in a nappy - but he has got ligament issues that varioius professionals on this end our helping with. I don't know though. The whole abuse thing is just ripping me somewhat. I struggle when other kids can't help themselves and start staring at my little boy because he is different. But to then hear this crap going on with his own father. Sigh ... It seems everyone on all sides of the fence and from different angles are struggling with shame and blame. It always comes back to that. This world really sucks with how it uses such conditioning ... lots of fear based techniques.

    Sometimes you really do just got to say FUCK IT! I doubt I even explained any of that correctly but that's OK. This here is the space in which I let such things out so I can better address said crap in the tangible world. I hope my daughter is doing OK. Despite the abuse in his fathers side, our grandson as you can see above is yet still in good spirits. Mostly because we accept him for who he is - the world can go fuck itself when it comes to expecting people like us to simply fit it!!!

    Sigh ...

    OK - I am going back to my movie now. JOKER 2019. I can so relate to that guy it's funny and not at the same time. I even laugh like him.

    Like I said ... keeping it real.

    Night night folks.
    Last edited by Ponder; 01-21-2020 at 06:01 AM.

  10. #30
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    A very good split pea soup (vegan) Having a crack at this now. Not sure I will get the same texture, but it's smelling quite good atm. Starting to struggle a bit with side effects of no junk or processed foods. But no where near as damaging as when I was trying the meds. Over than the sweating and craving I am feeling less pain and itching. Not sure I will lose much weight this week, but that's OK as like I say, despite the sweating and cravings, I am feeling much MUCH better. Happy if I break even this coming Sunday. For some reason I am feeling quite low emotionally, but then I guess that is to be expected still early into the transition.

 

 

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