Ponder

[Ponder]

How's the shaming and blaming going? Seems to be rife out on the street minus those who go to the other extreme and pretend they don't give two fucks; myself included. (Don't want to be a hypocrite now) Seems to only be the comfortable ones that can claim fame to any sense of stability - but that's nothing knew. It goes without saying I got a few filthy looks but then there where also a few smiles, but mostly form others out doing their own thing similar to me. I am actually enjoying the reduction in noise ... hustle and bustle - but not this new Nazi regime. I really hope it lasts a LONG time. People are quick to forget once the comfort comes back. I guess in that respect nothing is new. People are and have always been assholes. In fact if I think about it like that, it kind of takes the sting out of this epidemic of finger pointing that's going on. Yep sir re - people are ass holes through and through. That's how we are all connected my little blue ass angelic friends. hahahaaaa ... seriously

Best get back to playing games and then later jumping on my tramp like a blue ass fly myself.

Love and light peeps - Keep up the bitching and moaning. You making those in power proud.

[Ponder]

This is what a torn shoulder ligament looks like. The separation between the joints is getting worse and thus far with no operation in site it's quite depressing ... Grrrrrrrr. Sadly they are not operating in the public system unless life threatening. The longer I leave this, the more permanently disabled that joint is going to be and the pain I am going through atm really sucks! This was really bad timing with all the shit going on about now. Oh well ... I try and keep my spirits up with Easter over tomorrow I should be able to start with some phone calls. I fear the longer this is left, the more they will have to pull upon a ligament from my neck. I really don't know ... but can't wait to ask as if you don't they rarely tell you that kind of thing.

[Ponder]

WOW - it will be 3AM soon. I just had to finish my little video production of a 16+KM scooter ride condensed into 16 minutes. I have waited so long for a camera that can record my rides. The video quality is not so good in low light, but the stabilization is pretty good all things considered. I was limited via copyright music but I think I pulled it off for a low end user like myself. I really should be taking a break from the scooter but just could not help it as I have been waiting so long for the GoPro mounts. I just had to test it out. Cool, half way rendered. This should do go down nicely with the scooter group.

On another note - I found a really great video to help me sleep. I will for sure be using that shortly. I'll just text link that one:
Gentle Rain Sounds Rolling Thunder Sounds Black Screen Sleep Meditation Relaxing Rainfall

Video is up ... although SD until online catches up.

[Ponder]

Well that was therapeutic. Now whilst I got some encouragement, the trolling in the FB group was too much for me. That's another social media group I am better off without. It's because of the way we humans tear each other down and the way in which we are conditioned like so with all this emphasis on validation that I have taken all that BS off on most of my videos these days. I'm not going to stop making the scooter vids/vids but I am getting choosy with where I share them and what control I give people to trolling them. Now I am no angel and can get pretty damn nasty myself - BUT - I generally do it in my own space and regret the moment I shit in someone else's nest. Kama has a way of quickly sorting that one out. I ponder to think how the phrase ' you don't shit where you eat ' get's taken out of context or can be a double edge sword when taken to mean you don't take on your own pain but dump it elsewhere. That's how we end up with so much shit in our streets. Mostly on the faces of others as they make their way grinding the mill. Social media then becomes the platform where they then hate on others.

The big question is - am I done hating on others? Hmmmmmm. Well I think it's clear to me how I feel when I say, "I think I nailed how I would rather feel being what I captured in my last video." I just need to make more of those moments and also enjoy the moment whilst making them.

MY CHAIR arrived back from the factory with all the elastic brand new. I have to start sitting outside under the trees in that some more. Stop a lot more on my scooter and stop longer. It really is not about racing from beginning to end but the moments in between. I guess smashing my shoulder like I have has had a positive impact.

The private specialist/secretary has helped to set up an MRI and another in-depth X-ray for the end of this week. It's hard not to be down about the torn ligament. Whilst the ride was not too stressful I can't pick up anything more than 5kgs which is really annoying ... especially not being able to pick up my grandson. Soon I will have to start baring the load of my wife as her MS progresses. Already help with the bath tub from time to time. Oh boy - this COVID19 thing has everything on hold ... even the private operations. I'm just going to have to keep taking it easy and hope my neck does not get involved. I am thankful the private doctor is going to bulk bill my appointments and I just have to pay for reports is all. That is helpful. Even if my mum can't help (I don't expect it) ... however I am lucky my mother is so willing and is able has she has been to have helped all these years. Whilst we fell out re my brothers untimely death ... I will miss her dearly. I already do as we live so far away from each other and despite having issues, I do have a lot of responsibility that holds me back. We already talked about the fact I wont' be doing any funerals, although that is more to do with my own issues re being around people. What we do now is what counts. I do like digital media for keep in touch with family ... but that's about it. This forum has severed me well too. Has come down to me though ... being constant and using the space as I best now how.

AWESOME ... I got to say that
Thunder and Rain Sounds Black Screen for Sleep Relaxation Rest and Meditation Thunderstorm Sound

... is just the ticket. It's been the best ever to help me sleep. 7 to 8:30 minute mark .. nice rolling effect!!!
I am downloading the full 10 hours so I can play in the background on a different app other than my phones browser. I've just been using a cheap ass Bluetooth speak not much bigger than a gopro. I think tonight I set up something a little better speaker wise.

might wind down now I thinks ... ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzz 4 minutes to go on that download

Night Night.

[Ponder]

Have appointments re my shoulder tomorrow. They take your temperature before allowing you to come in. I'm sure I will pass the Covid19 Test. My scooter mirrors arrived today. Whilst we have laws that prohibt riding electic scooters on the main roads, the mirrors do come in very handy for the residential roads as well as those moments I choose to cross over without a designated crossing present. The view is clean and crisp. To be sure the whole concept of these scooters are still alien to the place I am living in. The fact I have a high end version of the product only makes it seem more alien. The trouble with that is how people are resistant to accept new things. Some people are cool however. Since getting the mirrors I see more people smiling ... perhaps laughing. lol ... many envious no doubt. Once you realise just how much weight these thing can carry and just how far the can go on one charge ... well it all starts to make perfect sense. I just can't get over the terrain this thing will go - everything bar sand pools of mud.

I've been in a foul mood of late but something about it feels healthy. Doing my best to make sure I don't upset others in my immediate surroundings. I'm just over people. I can smile at those who smile in return, but I don't go out of my way to pretend. Although that said, I do make the effort to smile when not feeling it ... to avoid falling down into a pit of despair. Not always, but do admit doing so helps. It's been like I have been letting of much needed steam and working out why it is that I just don't fit in with main stream. That for me, it's not really a requirement that is needed.

Time for some youtube then bed. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zz PS - Those recorded storms are really helping me sleep.

Handle bar extensions and phone holder yet to come. Not sure I will go the Bluetooth speakers that many bling bling users are using. I will however put on a front scooter bag so I can keep my current backpack small and light - or just simply carry more stuff.








night night...

[Ponder]

This was a good watch ... so true ... NOW I TRY SLEEP

[Ponder]

I do care about people who suffer because of other people. Even the one's I detest, but my heart is mostly with those who can't speak. : ( The conveyor belt treatment at radiology was absolutely disgusting. I was a stuttering mess and all my concerns were completely ignored/dismissed ... with the nurse picking up from the last question (again without any acknowledgment of what I just said) then going straight onto a barrage of questions without any explanations. I stood my ground and told her the way she and others treated vulnerable people was inhumane. One of the patients whom the nurse warmed up to for social compliance sake started laughing at my defensive take on the BS Process. This is why I can't allow myself to die in a hospital. I will crawl out and die in the gutter if I have to.

Man oh man ... it does not help that I am losing control and those that want it so bad treat humans like garbage in order to have it. Suicide idealization has been quite high for me of late, however not so bad that I am a threat to myself or others. I'm just acknowledge how lonely and pointless the existence can feel at times. The amount of tug of war and fighting for ones so called rights just wares you down. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

I managed to touch base with my new Malaysian friend online today. That was a really positive session. I also had a good talk with my scooter friend who is also going through hard times himself. Most of my struggles is dealing with the public health care conveyor belt. Actually the private ones can be just as bad as it all just comes to do money in the end, not human compassion. The latter is such BS in today's terms.

Sigh ... 1st time I took endome in weeks re my shoulder pain. I don't want to be making a habit of that shit. The above guy actually touched on that in his speech.

Regardless of the addictive nature and or dogma/rigid compulsion to staying rutting in negative behavior patterns ... I really don't like being entrenched like so. Thankfully I still have a couple of friends.

At least the scans are out of the way ... private doctor appointment this coming Thursday.

God damn it ... I bit my tongue the other day and its taking ages to heal ... feels like I got glass stuck in it. what else can go wrong ... Smiles ...

Although my shoulder hurts ... I can still ride my scooter and that yet has not gotten old. Just need to find things to do that make me happy once I can find the energy. That video was cool to make. I could try doing another some time in the near future.

Again ... I don't like being an asshole. I don't think anyone does. It's just an addiction like anything else. Here's to all us assholes breaking the habbit.

Stay Safe! Regardless of COVID WTFE ...

Night night .... ZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

[Ponder]

Tonights intetesting watch:

[Ponder]

Why I no longer play into the climate change band wagon:

[Ponder]

The world is a stage. Here is my latest act ... although It's rather serious stuff that is tiring me out. This just reflect the hard times I end up having when going to appointments without support. People don't take my challenges seriously. They think I am just trying to be difficult. This letter does not cover the overwhelming triggers - but it's enough for me to make a point what happens to me when people do not listen to me. I'm sick of having to explain with labels but that is another story. This one is about my latest trip to radiology:
__________________________________________________ __________________________________________________ __________
To the manger,

I want to explain about two instances that I had anxiety attacks with the processing your staff were putting me through and also how I feel that my concerns where dismissed and put back on me.
I suffer ‘mild autism’ although there is nothing mild about my symptoms. The term mild only differentiates me from others suffers with stronger autism who can barely talk. There are times when my symptoms because intense enough that I do struggle to communicate. I believe this is what happened when I frequented your place of business but sadly the people dealing with me would not take the time to understand my explanations as to why I was struggling with the processes.

The first time was simply the speed at which the staff were talking. Please understand that for someone with autism, this can be extremely overwhelming. As well as suffering that condition, I am also partially deaf and suffer a number of other psychiatric conditions that have lead me to being pensioned off and also supported via the National Disability Insurance Scheme were I am typically supported for such visits.

I try to make this quick and apologize that I struggle to be concise. I don’t want this to all be about my labels as when I try to explain from that perspective, it’s easy for others to simply blame me and my resulting anxiety. Allow me to quickly make my own incident report and leave it at that with a final request. The following is just to give my side of the story so you can understand how the behavior of your own staff can exacerbate me, but also to show how your staff could learn to slow down and allow space and time for patients that need it.
_____________________________________________
Incident Report:
On my last visit I again struggle with the barrage of questions before being called in. When I got to the tiny change room, I started to feel very claustrophobic even though I said I was not to one of the questions. (I often get things mixed up and do not answer correctly when anxious) I ask the lady to stand back as she was standing right on top of me with her arm held out telling me in a rough voice to step in and put the robe on. I did not like her proximity to the tiny change room, her body language and nor her tone. I asked her to stand back and further said I would then only then move in to get dressed. The lady just stood there without changing her stance and repeated her instruction for me to get dressed. From that moment on … I was super triggered. I was stuttering and reverted to explaining that the way she was treating me was not right. She then stood back and disappeared.

When she came back, I tried to explain that she was rushing me and not giving me enough space. Although by this stage I was feeling very frustrated, stuttering and shaking – I checked myself and said “I am trying to make an effort to be calm here, could you please do the same yourself”

All she could say was “Put the robe on the front!” Again, in the very terse voice completely ignoring my concerns. I had issues putting that robe on but more issues later on.

Please understand that I am all flustered at this stage having a full-on anxiety attack. I tried to explain my plight with my challenges – but she was very rude to me and unwilling to see that I was struggling. Not one ounce of empathy. Just a barrage of militant like stances and instructions. People with ASD/PTSD/GAD and so on do not respond well to being pressurized like so. IN fact, it makes things worse. She was basically using that tone and standing over me all the way through. Until I started getting up and down from the MIR machine not knowing what to do. By this stage I was full blow in anxiety mode. It’s like when I am not sure what I am looking for in the pantry cupboard and start innovatory shaking my head and hand as it in some kind of trance. That is how it was when I got up from the MRI, went back to lay down, then got back up no knowing what to do. Only then did your staff member start to back off with her forceful tone and stance. I was doing my best to be compliant whilst having a genuine anxiety attack. Nobody wanted to say anything about that. As she try to position things and instruct me, I was bouncing around all over the place doing my best to comply.
It was just previous to this that this MRI nurse called over another staff member for her own support. This made me feel worse. I was not threatening anyone but her actions to have someone else come in made it feel like I was threatening her well being. That staff member was not there to make me feel more at ease. I was having a very hard time dealing with the overwhelming instructions and most of all what I felt was overbearing antics of this nurse. Her response to my panic attacks we to “Hurry up, I have other patients”
Constantly my concerns about not understanding what was going on, was ignored where the nurse would just continue with the next question and instruction as if she never heard me. That was extremely belittling. On the way out as she broke contact with me, she said something to another patient where laughter filled the corridor. I was extremely humiliated. That said I was remorseful not only for my own lack of control to better explain myself, but more so for the sense of guilt that was put back on my by that attending MRI nurse though every stage of that process.

That is my version of events … it was much the same the first time around. No understanding of my disability or attempt to understand my inability to comply with such a rushed process. In fact the staff response in my opinion was more abusive than her or the other staff members allegations of my own responses.
__________________________________________________ _

I have a solution. Would you please allow me to bring my NDIS support worker who normally comes to appointments with me? It just so happened the last few times I was unable to organize things on time.

I don’t want to be a burden and I certainly don’t think it was all me in both those instances that was causing all the anxiety. I feel everyone should learn from such unfortunate happenings.

I find when I have an NDIS funded support worker with me, that I am treated more respectfully and in turn myself am more respectful. People tend to take my disabilities more as genuine. I have all the necessary paper work to validate my conditions and again, have been warranted a disability pension and the NDIS funding for support. I was not trying to be difficult.

Now that this has been fully explained … may I please bring my NDIS support worker next time. I really do believe things will go a lot smoother. This email is not about accepting responsibility of doing wrong. It’s simply about acknowledging all sides and seeking a solution.

Regretfully and respectfully
Mr ****** *******
PS – I have CCD this to my NDIS Coordinator & Supports so she/they can further validate my supports and advocate for me if necessary.

Tania – I think I am going to need help with this. I will need to continue using this service and will be unable to do so without support. Could you please also contact Management on my behalf to perhaps make your own recommendation as well? Thank you. I really don’t like being the way I am. I really tried very hard to hold it together. This broke me down when I got home and spoke to my wife about what happened. I also spoke with Ben. You are welcome to call Ben and he can also explain how I was on that day after that Radiology visit. Whilst I feel I have a legitimate complaint, all I want is to be able to go back to this service and not have that nurse pin this all on me.

Thank you for your time ****** & ******.

Much appreciated.
David.