The temp has left our team - that in itself has reduced stress hugely. However, when she left, I found my mind was still honing in on voices and noises I disliked. No matter how loud or chaotic the noise in the office could get - I can filter out and focus on a particular noise which I can amplify and provoke my anxiety with. We discussed this and other triggers in recent therapy sessions and how I've been practicing mindfulness more in recent years. She's helping me realise that I've been untertaking a lot of self-help and methods that have their roots in mindfulness to challenge and tackle my triggers, stressors and anxiety.
Grounding - for me this is the time outs from the office, but whilst making a coffee and Anne Franking it in a bathroom stall for 10 minutes helps me de-stress a little - there is one thing that relaxes me every time. Behind work is some woods and lakes and next to one of the lakes are some benches. A few months ago I had my lunch sat at one of the benches. Normally I eat quickly and then move onto something else, but after I finished my lunch I sat and stared at the lake. Taking in the sights and sounds of the water, the different water birds swimming and flying around the lake and things like the wind in the trees and the cars driving in the distance. Taking time out felt so restful and engrosssing.
In recent months I'd go on a walk every lunch break to get away from the office, and especially the temp. My favourite part of the walk was always the 10 minutes or so through the woods, compared to the 30-50 minutes walking down streets and hearing traffic and seeing houses and clutter everywhere. More recently I've been going on walks in the morning after I was told I wasn't allowed to do any more over time at work. I still get in an hour or so early to beat the traffic, but now I go for a walk to spend less time stuck indoors.
On Wednesday I walked through the woods and sat down by the lake. For 30 minutes I stared at the lake, seemingly blankly. Towards the end of these 30 minutes I realised something - I was feeling a deep sense of calm. When I walked back I took my time and felt real relief. When I was in work I heard the usual CV talk and panic and it washed over me. I focused my attention on my work when I heard conversations starting up that I didn't want to hear. With intense focus on my work I found that the background noise became fragmented. Rather than sitting in silence and trying to block out aggrevating noises, I found myself feeling calm and enjoying my work.
So I went back on my lunch break and spent another half hour staring at the lake. My chest felt tight - so I didn't feel as at ease. But towards the end, again I felt calmer. Yes, I had aches - but my mind felt calmer. Again, I went back to work and got on with my day with a lot less stress and anxiety. Then we got told we'd be working half the week at home, people started packing things to take home as some are "at risk" and wouldn't be coming back to the office. Towards the end of the day people were getting sentimental, saying their good byes and things like "good luck". I got a few comments on how I looked - recently I've been wearing a smile on my face throughout the day. My resting face for most of my adult life has been one that when people meet my gaze they look unsettled.
I suppose this journey with anxiety and depression has had me experiencing and practicing things I'd never thought possible or necessary. Walking around with a smile on my face seems trivial - and yet it has an impact. If I meet someone's gaze I often see their face light up. I walk down the street and no longer stare at the floor with a scowl on my face. I take in the world around me and meet people's gaze and enjoy the sites around me. I'm trying hard to limit the time and energy spent with negative thoughts and feelings.
Perhaps things are starting to click. Yes, I can still get overwhelmed at times, sometimes very easily. But I'm able to turn things back onto a positive track a lot quicker. It's a strange time to feel like I'm making real progress with my mental health, when the world around me seems to be collectively sinking into a state of anxiety and I'm finally feeling a lot less restricted and disempowered by mine.