Welcome to the Anxiety Forum - A Home for Those with Anxiety, Fear, or Panic Attacks.
Page 5 of 6 FirstFirst ... 3456 LastLast
Results 41 to 50 of 57
  1. #41
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2012
    Location
    Haddenham (Cambridgeshire)
    Posts
    1,158
    Day 87

    My therapist assured me eventually depression will lessen thanks to sobriety. Right now, it feels like it's having the opposite effect. Substances were used to take the edge off. Yes, they created problems, worries and guilt of their own - but they also has a guaranteed temporary effect.

    Living with myself with a clarity I haven't experienced for over a decade is rather challenging. The tics and traits I'd read were on the spectrum are all amped up. I feel more alert and awake in life, but I also have issues with some of the negative aspects of my life.

    My patience, sensitivity to sounds, issues with dealing with annoyances, my anger, my anxiety, depression and suicidal thoughts are all firing off a lot more frantically than they have in a long time.

    On the Autism/Asperger's forum I joined someone asked a profound and upfront question - what is preventing you from committing suicide. On that forum for people on the spectrum it's clear a large number of them are struggling on a daily basis with mental health.

    Whilst suicide is not exactly an easy subject, I found the openness of the people quite refreshing. Just in general it's a nice forum. There's no down rate option or trolling etc. A lot of active members and good advice to be found.

    I guess the problem with suicide is that as soon as you mention a real thought, like that, people freak out. Now and then I reveal a true and unfiltered thought and people lose their shit.

    I did it the other week, the guy I get on with best on our team was off for 4 months with his fibromyalgia flare up. He came back for a week and was rushed to hospital on Tuesday. He's a good guy and whilst nobody deserves that amount of bad luck - I said to kristy that I wished it was the temp who was hospitalised and not him.

    She told me that was dark. It was, but that's one of hundreds I have a day. Unfortunately being sober I feel darker thoughts are more prevalent. It's nothing dangerous or anything. I'm not going to hurt anyone or do anything illegal - I just don't feel good, especially in myself.

    The temp is an odd one. We have a lot of similarities and yet everything she does or says makes me cringe, or feel angry and uncomfortable. I've not met many people like that in life - someone that you simply despise. Usually people like this weren't nice people and so my reason for disliking them didn't feel so riddled with guilt. With the temp, they're not a bad person. They're immature for their age, but the big issue I have is that they don't stop talking at you and the subject matter is always complete drivel.

    Anyway.

    Suicidal thoughts have been daily since a teenager. So, seeing that forum post did make me ponder what reasons I had not to do it.

    The reason I haven't is probably cowardice on my part.

    I don't have the courage to live my life how I want to. Similarly, I don't have the courage to end it either.

    I understand the view that suicide is selfish to the one's you leave behind. But I also find grief around death to be a selfish emotion. People torment themselves with nostalgia or guilt around what they could or should have done or said when this person was alive.

    I remember speaking with a GP not long after my nan died. He said everyone at a funeral who cries is doing so for their own mortality. Quite a blunt statement by all accounts, but I get it. Death makes you reflect, we all know it's coming one day, and losing someone close to you makes you ponder how and when your end will be.

    I suppose suicide has a comfort to it in removing that question of how/when death will come by taking the matter into your own hands. I used to view suicide with contempt, and shared the view that it was selfish or cowardly. In truth, they have more courage than I could ever hope to muster.

    Ed
    How strong, how costly, the urge to fight our fate and turn back time. But life is meant to be consumed, not preserved to ward off doom. One can surely die from fear, before the end is ever near.

  2. #42
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Location
    Maryland (MD)
    Posts
    1,252
    A number of years ago, a friend of mine committed suicide. He had left his wife for a younger woman. He was around 50 and she was around 25. He had twin teenage daughters from his first marriage. He lived in northern Maryland and had a home in Florida. His marriage started out good and he had a child with his second wife. Things began going south and he said his wife became very demanding and began to badger him. She started spending large amounts of money and they began to argue. One day he called me in my office on a Tuesday and he sounded very frail, distraught and old. He said he could not deal with things anymore and left things at that. That Friday, he shot and killed himself. Very sad indeed.

  3. #43
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2012
    Location
    Haddenham (Cambridgeshire)
    Posts
    1,158
    I think one trait I find especially difficult is how self-centred I feel. Depression feels selfish, and in a way - self made. If I wasn't here, my depression wouldn't continue to exist independent of me. But the biggest issue I find is lack of empathy. Apparently it's quite common with people on the spectrum. When I read articles regarding it, I felt less like a monster. But it's something I can't really be open about that often. People react to death or love and I feel absolutely nothing.

    A woman on our team at work has lost 2 people close to her recently. Everyone apologised and seemed to feel sad for someone they'd never heard of up until that moment they were told they no longer existed. I didn't have anything valid to say - so I said nothing. I know that it's traditional or expected to feel remorse when you hear someone has died, but I don't.

    If I realise I'm expected to feel something, I force it and pretend. But I keep it brief, because lying feels awkward. The same goes for love. I've dated numerous people. There's happiness and there can be obsession at times - but love? The phrase "I love you" feels utterly meaningless to me.

    I suppose this could be depression once again. Slowly but surely my hobbies, past times and enjoyments in life are fading away. Things I used to relish I no longer find any fun or happiness in whatsoever. I think drinking and weed helped keep some things alive a little bit longer. Even doing nothing whilst buzzed had an air of enjoyment to it.

    Now I'm sober. Sober and alone with my thoughts. Going through the motions, trying to force things to feel fun. Trying to convince myself that anxiety and depression will get better now that I'm not relying on artificial emotions or happiness.

    I don't know - it almost feels like I felt more when I wasn't sober. Now I'm facing relentless clarity and it's daunting.

    Anyway, sorry for going on. Thank you for sharing that story with me. I take some comfort in the notion there could be something on the other side of life. I'm not convinced it's as clear cut as religion, or as bleak as the atheist perspective. But I guess only time will tell.

    Again though, thank you for sharing.

    Ed
    How strong, how costly, the urge to fight our fate and turn back time. But life is meant to be consumed, not preserved to ward off doom. One can surely die from fear, before the end is ever near.

  4. #44
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Location
    Maryland (MD)
    Posts
    1,252
    Here is what I have hanging on the wall in my office near my desk:

    Don't Quit

    When things go wrong, as they sometimes will,
    When the road you're trudging seems all uphill,
    When the funds are low, and the debts are high,
    And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,
    When care is pressing you down a bit,
    Rest if you must, but don't quit.

    Life is strange, with its twists and turns,
    As everyone of us sometimes learns,
    Any many a failure turns about,
    When he might have won had he stuck it out,
    Don't give up though the pace seems slow,
    You may succeed with another blow.

    Success is failure turned inside out,
    The silver tint of the clouds of doubt,
    And you can never tell how close you are,
    It may be near when its seems so far,
    So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit,
    It's when things seem worse,
    That you must not quit.

  5. #45
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Jun 2013
    Posts
    6,205
    For many years I was doing the tarot readings. So many people who were thinking about suicide actually committed it, Nothing could help. After loosing probably 11 th person on the road, I stopped, I had stopped doing readings for people. Not to this extend, I do this only from time to time. What I had learned in the years, was to protect somehow myself. It is easy to feel sorry , but not so easy to be truthful about your feelings. Your gp Ragga was right,
    Crying on funeral is crying for us, for the end of us
    I do not think suicide is a cowardice , no it is not.
    Suicidal thoughts. Well all my family were obsessed with it till late age.
    My mom survived nazies and Dachau concentration camp and she was still thinking about suicide ; for years. I stopped considering it 14years ago, when my grandchild were born, I knew she will need me. she is in life everyday
    Love; I am so old , I thought that I had loved so many times, but still can not describe love,
    Loyalty, friendship, kindness, is that love?
    Ragga I am probably talking to myself using your thread as excuse. Nevertheless , I am happy to see you with us, 87 days..... that's a long time and you still doing it, I am proud of you ,
    ''“If you cry because the sun has gone out of your life, your tears will prevent you from seeing the stars.”
    ''
    ― Rabindranath Tagore

  6. #46
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Location
    Maryland (MD)
    Posts
    1,252
    My father (may he rest in peace) came here from Poland with his father right before WWII and many of his relatives got killed in the concentration camps.

  7. #47
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Jun 2013
    Posts
    6,205
    Quote Originally Posted by Kirk View Post
    My father (may he rest in peace) came here from Poland with his father right before WWII and many of his relatives got killed in the concentration camps.
    yes it was tragic, so many lifes lost So Kirk you are 50% polish
    ''“If you cry because the sun has gone out of your life, your tears will prevent you from seeing the stars.”
    ''
    ― Rabindranath Tagore

  8. #48
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Location
    Maryland (MD)
    Posts
    1,252
    My father and his father arrived at Ellis Island New York and came to Baltimore. My grandfather was a shoemaker and he passed away at a young age before I was born. I was named after him. My father had some WWII items and he never really talked about Poland, even when I asked him. He also had an accent. My father used to say, never look back, just look forward. My father never graduated high school and was a meat cutter. He used to work 7 days a week and was always tired. He passed away in January 2013, at the age of 93. In fact, the period September 2012, through August 2013, my mother, father and uncle all passed away.
    Last edited by Kirk; 02-26-2020 at 09:59 AM.

  9. #49
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Jun 2013
    Posts
    6,205
    oh they had a difficult life I am sorry for your loss Kirk
    ''“If you cry because the sun has gone out of your life, your tears will prevent you from seeing the stars.”
    ''
    ― Rabindranath Tagore

  10. #50
    Senior Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2012
    Location
    Haddenham (Cambridgeshire)
    Posts
    1,158
    Day 111 - this is in 2 parts as I hit the world limit for a single post

    No weed or alcohol. I've yet to try quitting porn again after relapsing on day 38. I have used porn a lot less and I do find it a lot less appealing being sober. Cravings for substance are sparse and when they do appear they last a few seconds before I focus on something else and move on.

    The expecation that sobriety would help anxiety and depression lessen might have been naive in terms of how I expected it to manifest. There wasn't some miraculous moment where things clicked. Without any substances to soften emotional extremes I felt that living with a clear head was causing new problems. What I've started to realise is that whilst I have no way of filtering the intensity of my emotions - it does feel easier to restore a sense of balance when I am in the midst of an emotional extreme.

    I'm still living with daily aches and pains and for a long time I was extremely bitter about the duration and timing of these symptoms. In my mid 20's my 2nd panic attack led me into many years of health anxiety and constant aches, pains and symptoms. Now I'm approaching 34 I feel that I'm less fatigued, both mentally and physically with these daily pains. Understanding a stressed mind leads to a stressed body isn't as simple as reading a statement and assimilating it into your life. It took a lot of practice and determination, and still I find pains and symptoms will peak during times of higher stress.

    You could say now is the perfect time to be having all sorts of anxiety related pains - and yet, compared to a lot of people around me; my stress levels are fairly minimal. I stopped reading the news 4 years ago, and with current events are a perfect example of what happens to people and their moods when they're oversaturated with negative news. The only stressful part to this situation is hearing the constant news talk at work - I don't want to hear it. Unfortunately I'm not allowed headphones at work and we're in an open plan office. There's a few doom-mongerers at work who always read news stories aloud and never have anything positive to say on a daily basis, even before this occurred.

    Thankfully we're now working from home 2 days a week, so the distraction from co-workers isn't so much of a problem. Unfortunately my partner works in a food shop, so she's stressed by customer's and their rudeness. She doesn't read the news either - and that's what's ironic, we're not scared of a virus; we're just getting stressed out by people. This situation is proving that common sense isn't so common. In recent weeks I've actually felt happier than I have done in a long time and this is a stark contrast to a lot of people at work. Some have asked me how I can be so calm and I tell them - I don't read the news. A world full of other people's problems isn't mine. If something affects me directly - I will be contacted directly.

    So, what has my coronavirus experience been? I heard of it, so I checked the CDC - read the info and saw the statistics for someone in my age range. Nothing scary there. Next thing I hear is last week - a text from my local doctor's saying that if I have symptoms, to cancel my appointment at the end of the month. Sensible - not scary. Then 2 work emails, one saying no handshakes and the other saying to wash your hands when you enter the building. Again - nothing melodramatic there. Finally, we get told they're doing a half n half work from home and in the office with a skeleton staff.

    So how am I not freaking out about it? Because I don't read the news. The news focuses on the bad stuff - new cases, new deaths, stores running out of things, looting, chaotic political decision making etc etc. Once again - it boils down to a world full of other people's problems. There's no sense in me carrying that sort of burden around with me: I can't fix the world. Now, I'm not prepping or going into fight or flight mode and buying out lots from shops so I can bunker down at my house.

    Life continues as normal, and in fact - in recent weeks I've been happier than I have been for quite some time. The benefits of sobriety, whilst subtle, feel like they're affecting my life more. Also, it shows how far I've come in 5 years from my health anxiety. Had I been living through this situation with my health anxiety I'd be having a daily meltdown. I would be self-isolating and stocked up on every thing imaginable. I'd be chastising my partner for continuing to go out and socialise and probably be having multiple panic attacks a day.

    Thankfully, I've moved on. I'm reminding myself of what's within my circle of concern. It boils down to what I can affect and change in my life. So the next few months I'll be working on my savings. It's my safety net for any "what if's." Next is to realise that the people who are scared right now are the one's doing what I spent years doing - they're fixating on and terrified that they're unable to answer all these "what if's" whilst reading daily updates on the news which are reinforcing their fears and making them worse.

    I'm pampering my partner more. Taking time to help her reduce her stress, as I know she had been enjoying this new job because it was less stressful than her previous job - but now, thanks to the rudeness of certain people, she's finding it harder. I try to remind her these rude people are just scared, and vocal about it. Yes, in an ideal world people wouldn't be selfish in these situations - but a lot of people are being triggered by our mammalian brain's survival mode. Hoarde food, seek shelter and stay safe.

    My parents are both at high risk should they get CV - again this would've been a source of constant worries and "what if's" a few years ago. Now? Nothing to be honest. I think I was more emotive when I was abusing weed and alcohol. With sobriety there has been less empathy in many ways. My emotional and logical thoughts feel even more separated than they used to when I wasn't sober.

    Taking time out - I'm finally doing that more at work. I'm realising when I'm feeling triggered, which is by noises right now. When it feels uncomfortable I take 5 to make a coffee or just get away and sit in a bathroom stall for 10 minutes. My therapist and the reading I've been doing about the spectrum suggest that sensitivity to sound could be exacerbated or caused by wherever I might be on the spectrum. I'm still not convinced I want to go down the road of a formal diagnosis.
    How strong, how costly, the urge to fight our fate and turn back time. But life is meant to be consumed, not preserved to ward off doom. One can surely die from fear, before the end is ever near.

 

 

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •