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  1. #51
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    Day 111 - this is in 2 parts as I hit the world limit for a single post

    No weed or alcohol. I've yet to try quitting porn again after relapsing on day 38. I have used porn a lot less and I do find it a lot less appealing being sober. Cravings for substance are sparse and when they do appear they last a few seconds before I focus on something else and move on.

    The expecation that sobriety would help anxiety and depression lessen might have been naive in terms of how I expected it to manifest. There wasn't some miraculous moment where things clicked. Without any substances to soften emotional extremes I felt that living with a clear head was causing new problems. What I've started to realise is that whilst I have no way of filtering the intensity of my emotions - it does feel easier to restore a sense of balance when I am in the midst of an emotional extreme.

    I'm still living with daily aches and pains and for a long time I was extremely bitter about the duration and timing of these symptoms. In my mid 20's my 2nd panic attack led me into many years of health anxiety and constant aches, pains and symptoms. Now I'm approaching 34 I feel that I'm less fatigued, both mentally and physically with these daily pains. Understanding a stressed mind leads to a stressed body isn't as simple as reading a statement and assimilating it into your life. It took a lot of practice and determination, and still I find pains and symptoms will peak during times of higher stress.

    You could say now is the perfect time to be having all sorts of anxiety related pains - and yet, compared to a lot of people around me; my stress levels are fairly minimal. I stopped reading the news 4 years ago, and with current events are a perfect example of what happens to people and their moods when they're oversaturated with negative news. The only stressful part to this situation is hearing the constant news talk at work - I don't want to hear it. Unfortunately I'm not allowed headphones at work and we're in an open plan office. There's a few doom-mongerers at work who always read news stories aloud and never have anything positive to say on a daily basis, even before this occurred.

    Thankfully we're now working from home 2 days a week, so the distraction from co-workers isn't so much of a problem. Unfortunately my partner works in a food shop, so she's stressed by customer's and their rudeness. She doesn't read the news either - and that's what's ironic, we're not scared of a virus; we're just getting stressed out by people. This situation is proving that common sense isn't so common. In recent weeks I've actually felt happier than I have done in a long time and this is a stark contrast to a lot of people at work. Some have asked me how I can be so calm and I tell them - I don't read the news. A world full of other people's problems isn't mine. If something affects me directly - I will be contacted directly.

    So, what has my coronavirus experience been? I heard of it, so I checked the CDC - read the info and saw the statistics for someone in my age range. Nothing scary there. Next thing I hear is last week - a text from my local doctor's saying that if I have symptoms, to cancel my appointment at the end of the month. Sensible - not scary. Then 2 work emails, one saying no handshakes and the other saying to wash your hands when you enter the building. Again - nothing melodramatic there. Finally, we get told they're doing a half n half work from home and in the office with a skeleton staff.

    So how am I not freaking out about it? Because I don't read the news. The news focuses on the bad stuff - new cases, new deaths, stores running out of things, looting, chaotic political decision making etc etc. Once again - it boils down to a world full of other people's problems. There's no sense in me carrying that sort of burden around with me: I can't fix the world. Now, I'm not prepping or going into fight or flight mode and buying out lots from shops so I can bunker down at my house.

    Life continues as normal, and in fact - in recent weeks I've been happier than I have been for quite some time. The benefits of sobriety, whilst subtle, feel like they're affecting my life more. Also, it shows how far I've come in 5 years from my health anxiety. Had I been living through this situation with my health anxiety I'd be having a daily meltdown. I would be self-isolating and stocked up on every thing imaginable. I'd be chastising my partner for continuing to go out and socialise and probably be having multiple panic attacks a day.

    Thankfully, I've moved on. I'm reminding myself of what's within my circle of concern. It boils down to what I can affect and change in my life. So the next few months I'll be working on my savings. It's my safety net for any "what if's." Next is to realise that the people who are scared right now are the one's doing what I spent years doing - they're fixating on and terrified that they're unable to answer all these "what if's" whilst reading daily updates on the news which are reinforcing their fears and making them worse.

    I'm pampering my partner more. Taking time to help her reduce her stress, as I know she had been enjoying this new job because it was less stressful than her previous job - but now, thanks to the rudeness of certain people, she's finding it harder. I try to remind her these rude people are just scared, and vocal about it. Yes, in an ideal world people wouldn't be selfish in these situations - but a lot of people are being triggered by our mammalian brain's survival mode. Hoarde food, seek shelter and stay safe.

    My parents are both at high risk should they get CV - again this would've been a source of constant worries and "what if's" a few years ago. Now? Nothing to be honest. I think I was more emotive when I was abusing weed and alcohol. With sobriety there has been less empathy in many ways. My emotional and logical thoughts feel even more separated than they used to when I wasn't sober.

    Taking time out - I'm finally doing that more at work. I'm realising when I'm feeling triggered, which is by noises right now. When it feels uncomfortable I take 5 to make a coffee or just get away and sit in a bathroom stall for 10 minutes. My therapist and the reading I've been doing about the spectrum suggest that sensitivity to sound could be exacerbated or caused by wherever I might be on the spectrum. I'm still not convinced I want to go down the road of a formal diagnosis.
    How strong, how costly, the urge to fight our fate and turn back time. But life is meant to be consumed, not preserved to ward off doom. One can surely die from fear, before the end is ever near.

  2. #52
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    The temp has left our team - that in itself has reduced stress hugely. However, when she left, I found my mind was still honing in on voices and noises I disliked. No matter how loud or chaotic the noise in the office could get - I can filter out and focus on a particular noise which I can amplify and provoke my anxiety with. We discussed this and other triggers in recent therapy sessions and how I've been practicing mindfulness more in recent years. She's helping me realise that I've been untertaking a lot of self-help and methods that have their roots in mindfulness to challenge and tackle my triggers, stressors and anxiety.

    Grounding - for me this is the time outs from the office, but whilst making a coffee and Anne Franking it in a bathroom stall for 10 minutes helps me de-stress a little - there is one thing that relaxes me every time. Behind work is some woods and lakes and next to one of the lakes are some benches. A few months ago I had my lunch sat at one of the benches. Normally I eat quickly and then move onto something else, but after I finished my lunch I sat and stared at the lake. Taking in the sights and sounds of the water, the different water birds swimming and flying around the lake and things like the wind in the trees and the cars driving in the distance. Taking time out felt so restful and engrosssing.

    In recent months I'd go on a walk every lunch break to get away from the office, and especially the temp. My favourite part of the walk was always the 10 minutes or so through the woods, compared to the 30-50 minutes walking down streets and hearing traffic and seeing houses and clutter everywhere. More recently I've been going on walks in the morning after I was told I wasn't allowed to do any more over time at work. I still get in an hour or so early to beat the traffic, but now I go for a walk to spend less time stuck indoors.

    On Wednesday I walked through the woods and sat down by the lake. For 30 minutes I stared at the lake, seemingly blankly. Towards the end of these 30 minutes I realised something - I was feeling a deep sense of calm. When I walked back I took my time and felt real relief. When I was in work I heard the usual CV talk and panic and it washed over me. I focused my attention on my work when I heard conversations starting up that I didn't want to hear. With intense focus on my work I found that the background noise became fragmented. Rather than sitting in silence and trying to block out aggrevating noises, I found myself feeling calm and enjoying my work.

    So I went back on my lunch break and spent another half hour staring at the lake. My chest felt tight - so I didn't feel as at ease. But towards the end, again I felt calmer. Yes, I had aches - but my mind felt calmer. Again, I went back to work and got on with my day with a lot less stress and anxiety. Then we got told we'd be working half the week at home, people started packing things to take home as some are "at risk" and wouldn't be coming back to the office. Towards the end of the day people were getting sentimental, saying their good byes and things like "good luck". I got a few comments on how I looked - recently I've been wearing a smile on my face throughout the day. My resting face for most of my adult life has been one that when people meet my gaze they look unsettled.

    I suppose this journey with anxiety and depression has had me experiencing and practicing things I'd never thought possible or necessary. Walking around with a smile on my face seems trivial - and yet it has an impact. If I meet someone's gaze I often see their face light up. I walk down the street and no longer stare at the floor with a scowl on my face. I take in the world around me and meet people's gaze and enjoy the sites around me. I'm trying hard to limit the time and energy spent with negative thoughts and feelings.

    Perhaps things are starting to click. Yes, I can still get overwhelmed at times, sometimes very easily. But I'm able to turn things back onto a positive track a lot quicker. It's a strange time to feel like I'm making real progress with my mental health, when the world around me seems to be collectively sinking into a state of anxiety and I'm finally feeling a lot less restricted and disempowered by mine.
    How strong, how costly, the urge to fight our fate and turn back time. But life is meant to be consumed, not preserved to ward off doom. One can surely die from fear, before the end is ever near.

  3. #53
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    Forgive the intrusion if you will. Just saying I feel very similar regarding your last couple of sentences. (in fact - quite a lot of what your have said) Glad your sensing some form of stability amidst the chaos from both within and out.

    Hats Off to all your efforts in fostering and maintaining a resemblance of stability regardless of current events and most of all, pre-existing conditions.

    I like to think I understand your struggle, although of course from another angle.

    Again ... srry if my saying so, is considered on intrusion.

    All the best.

  4. #54
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    So I'm past 200 days sober now. In August I’m looking to begin therapy sessions again. These will be the 3rd lot of sessions with my current therapist. Out of the 4 I have seen over the years I feel like this one is my 2nd favourite. Ranking them feels a little obtuse, and yet I am glad I’ve found another therapist who makes me feel at ease. My first two therapists didn’t feel like a good fit for me at the time. I’m sure they have helped numerous people, but for me, it didn’t feel right. That’s not to say I learned nothing – I’m just a very particular person, and most people don’t appeal to me. When I consider a therapist, and the amount of personal information and emotions I will be sharing with them – I can’t be as open to someone I don’t feel a bond with. Unfortunately, my favourite therapist works too far from where I live to make it feasible to have regular sessions with him again. In terms of location, my current one is by far the best as she works from home and lives in the same town as me. Her house is in a nice area and is well presented. The room she works from is relaxing, with dim lighting, nicely scented and with a wall that is furnished with numerous bookcases and books, as well as very comfortable seating. I had intended to restart my sessions once things had calmed down with the lockdown. I hope by August there will be no restrictions preventing me from having a therapy session like I used to - in a room, sat less than 2 metres from my therapist.

    I feel like I'm on an endless search to find ways to help myself feel better. Another never ending process seems to be my overthinking – which leads to increase in my anxiety and depression, which leads to more overthinking. I’m no stranger to vicious circles, and whilst some have been broken, others seem to only be temporarily stopped before they start again, either on previous form, or in some newfound way, shape or form. Whilst trying to find ways to unlearn ways of thinking and harmful habits I’ve undertook various new routines and regimes to try and reduce stress and improve my outlook. So many books read, notes taken, forums joined and posted on, medical essays read, Dr’s and therapists seen - all in a bid to try and challenge negative beliefs and thought processes. Whilst my story with anxiety and depression continues to grow, retelling the same tale to each new Dr or medical professional becomes increasingly tedious. As well as acquiring knowledge and lessons from books and online I’ve always spent time researching and undertaking lifestyle changes such as exercise, diet, regular sleep patterns and working smarter in the office in a bid to reduce stress. Everything listed above feels like a sensible and proactive approach to making improvements and yet it hasn’t been as fruitful as I had hoped. I seem to approach a lot these days with a degree of distrust and impatience. I know I can’t expect quick results, and yet I often fall foul of feeling disheartened. Or with my all or nothing approach, something new can quickly become an obsession and when I inevitably burn out, I look back on it as yet another failed exploit.

    Over the years of research, I encountered so many stories of people who seemed to have eureka moments. Whether this was through sobriety, exercise, diet, proper hydration, yoga or meditation – they stated that the benefits and improvements they saw were profound and utterly changed their lives. In the early years my search was rather desperate, and I began these new regimes with a somewhat unrealistic expectation. I searched with a belief in a magic pill or a certain lifestyle change which would push aside my long-standing issues with depression and anxiety. As time wore on and each new, haphazard undertaking failed to live up to expectation or provide any relief, I gradually fell into a dangerous mindset – “This is me now.”

    I became convinced that stress was integrated in my life and my mindset. In doing so I fear that has allowed it to underpin my life: convinced that I am little more than my diagnosis. It’s not to say I’ve given up – I continue to challenge what affects me negatively. The problem I find is that I instinctively think one way, and then have to go out of my way to contradict myself – it all ends up feeling like a waste of time that burns me out and gets me nowhere.

    Years of medication proved to me there was no magic pill and the side effects were something that unnerved me. Over a decade of substance abuse revealed I had to approach life sober if I wanted to feel less guilt and fear for the future. Years of therapy showed me that whilst good advice can help brighten my outlook – there is a baseline of negativity that I seem to default to in life. Whilst people and experiences can lift my spirits; I feel almost like a tethered balloon – my mood can only go so high, and it’s constantly being weighed down and tethered to my negativity. For years now I’ve been approaching life with an instinctively negative outlook - towards my career, my friends, my family and even strangers. Whilst instinct feels like a split-second reaction – I rapidly build up this thought or feeling with a flood of overthinking thoughts, feelings and questions. Before long I become overwhelmed. Each new experience and person I met I portray my typical social mask: shy, polite and unassuming. I’ve tricked numerous people over the years into thinking I’m a laid-back person. In reality, what seems calm on the surface is deeply unstable underneath. Much like a volcano – which may appear calm, solid and unmoving on the outside – but inside there is a constant churning of magma and the potential to have a devastating and explosive outburst. The emotion of hatred is so intense that it is highly situational for most people. There is no reason to encounter someone doing something perfectly normal and instantly criticising and despising their very existence. It could be what a stranger does, says, or how they look. It feels abnormal to be and think the way I do. Feeling so angry all the time is unnerving. I suppose it’s a logical and progressive step after years of internalising my stress. It’s gone from being caught in my own bubble of fear and worry, to being projected outward – albeit silently.

    At times these feelings seem to exhibit a pompous sense of self – as if I feel above the people who I constantly criticise in my head. In reality, I wonder just how confident I could ever be – with all this overthinking, a moment of pride can be shattered in an instant by my own thoughts and misgivings. My self esteem is volatile, much like my emotions: intense highs and lows with no middle ground to be had. Regardless of when I feel worthless or pompous – I never feel normal. Recently at work I’ve been using headphones, in a bid to block out the background noise of people and conversations which would cause instantaneous and overwhelming negative emotions. I thought that it would reduce my stress and encourage productivity. In terms of my work – I got all caught up with everything in under 2 weeks; something I hadn’t achieved in 11 months of working at the company. My mood, however, has started to deteriorate. I suppose it’s because I’m now stuck in my head and there’s a lack of conversation to distract me from myself. Sitting in silence – seething. Looking at people around me talking, chatting, distracting, laughing etc. Wanting to be a part of it and yet wanting to be apart from it. It feels like there is no pleasing me – what I enjoy can be instantaneously torn down. I see people guilty of what I do, and I chastise them for what I’m fully aware of is a defect I share. If someone complains all the time, I hate them – and yet I know full well I complain all the time, I just don’t say it out loud. So, what do I dislike in them? Their negativity? Their opinions? Or their confidence to verbalise what they feel inside? I feel like if I was verbal and forthcoming with my feelings, I would have even fewer friends than I currently do, and I wouldn’t be able to hold down your typical office job for very long at all.

    The problem with bottling up so much is that my patience is on a knife edge. To those who I’m most comfortable around – I can snap over a seemingly minor inconvenience. However, even when I break, it’s not a meltdown – it’s reserved and tethered. A short, sudden exclamation before I push it down once again – apologising for what I just said because of the uneasy atmosphere is has left and the deep and burning shame I now feel. Guilt and shame are also big players in my day to day life: I just can’t seem to catch a break from myself. I know the problems lie at the core, with my beliefs which are what I project and reflect on in day to day life. If you have a house with a weak foundation causing cracks in the wall – plastering over the cracks isn’t the solution; you have to sort out the root cause, otherwise the cracks will continue to get worse over time.

    From the books I’ve read and the people I’ve spoken to – I keep encountering methods and ideas to challenge my negative mood and beliefs. Whilst I may instinctively approach life with a negative outlook, I can direct my mind and creativity to counter negatives with positives. However, I wonder where I’m supposed to be left and what I’m meant to feel after all this? Much like a debate between 2 people with opposing beliefs, their thoughts and opinions seem to become more entrenched in their ideals. I guess when I deliberately undermine my beliefs with opposing one’s I end up feeling stuck in the middle.

    Hit word limit - see below for the end.
    How strong, how costly, the urge to fight our fate and turn back time. But life is meant to be consumed, not preserved to ward off doom. One can surely die from fear, before the end is ever near.

  5. #55
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    So, what do I do? I escape as best as I can. Avoidance – it’s not a cure, it’s plastering over the cracks. Headphones at work, lunch time walks through the woods and meditating by the lake. Getting away from the stressors to give myself a moments peace. At home it’s the computer and video games – distract myself in a bid to shut down my constant overthinking. Emotionally, I feel so full up. For years now it feels like I’m on the brink of having a breakdown and needing to cry my eyes out, but I never do. I continue to bottle it up, keep trying to roll with the punches.

    I know all this negative thinking is a waste of time and it’s emotionally and mentally draining. There seems to be only one constant enjoyment I find always uplifts my spirits – being outside. Nature and animals never fail to make me happy. Still, much like my negative emotions; my happiness is volatile and overbearing too. Then again – it’s not as if I can cut off from society and live amongst nature. I had long considered a job that would involve minimal contact with people and being outdoors. A lot of these seem to involve destruction of nature – rather than encouraging it to grow. Such as gardeners or tree surgeons – which I know would play havoc with my feelings of guilt and shame if I was to destroy animal habitats to make way for man made and aesthetically pleasing gardens.

    Pain is a big player in my day to day life – alongside the overthinking, the hate and the guilt. Every day I'm aching and it hasn't stopped for 10 years. Sometimes I sink into a feeling of justification for my anger – because of how I feel. Yet, I know these are pains born of stress. Back to the analogy of the house with the weak foundations – these pains I feel are the cracks in the walls. The pains are forever changing and evolving in location and intensity. Feeling rested is a spitefully fleeting sensation. I sleep too much, or too little and its luck of the draw if I wake up feeling OK or in intense pain. So many tests, Dr appointments, hospital visits, chiropractors, massages, exercises, yoga - you name it, I've tried it.

    So, back to my original thought – it’s time for therapy again. I feel stuck in a rut once again. I look back and see progress: in terms of reducing anxiety and panic attacks. Even reducing daily pains to a certain extent. Then there’s sobriety; something I wrestled with for years. I was convinced that would be my eureka moment: unfortunately, this was not the case. Having spoken to numerous long-term recovering addicts, it seems like it’s a necessity that may never provide the sense of relief I’d hoped for; it’s just better than feeling the constant haze, fear and guilt of being an addict.

    For now, whilst I wait, I have a few more self-help books I’ve bought. Read through, make notes and meditate upon what they say. Their words are always so concise and uplifting. Often feels like good advice gets lost in translation or doesn’t hold up to the barrage of overthinking and scathing criticism it must endure when it comes toe to toe with my mind.


    Ed​
    How strong, how costly, the urge to fight our fate and turn back time. But life is meant to be consumed, not preserved to ward off doom. One can surely die from fear, before the end is ever near.

  6. #56
    HI Ed..

    I also feel I feel stuck in a rut once again, going around in a hamster wheel it seems.

    How are you doing?

    Understand the guilt thing. I relapsed in June after a year and 2 months sober and I do beat myself up for it. In reality though, we just get up on the wagon again I guess. It hard sometimes when everything is going wrong at the same time to stay sober. Have those fuk everything moments and give in; know that all too well. However we must praise ourselves when our slip-ups don't turn into benders.

    Anyways..

    Your posting hit home with me I guess and I felt compelled to let you know you're not alone at all.

    Hope you'[re doing better and take good care.

    EDIT:

    Just read the posting above and realized your 200 days sober now. Congratulations
    Last edited by salvator here; 08-17-2020 at 04:57 PM.

  7. #57
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    303 days sober

    Unfortunately I feel like I've stagnated in life. Work is the same processes day in day out. The lack of stimulation and challenges has led to increasing boredom and depression. I had one person here who I got on with and he left. Now I sit in a room full of people I can't relate to and don't enjoy the company of.

    I listen to the small talk, conversations and jokes every day and I can't relate to them. I've been feeling down for so long, at this point I feel angry all the time. Outside of work, I have no friends in my home town. Socialising mainly occurs online and it isn't enough. Whilst there have been moments of socialising this year, I miss getting on with people in the workplace.

    Every job I've had I found several friends which helped break up the monotony of the day to day tasks. Not having that in this job speaks volumes and my mood has plummeted in recent months. Evenings and weekends aren't long enough to mentally recuperate. Job hunting proves fruitless, even searching multiple times a week brings up nothing.

    Symptoms are very bad again and 24/7. Skin is a mess, stomach hurts all the time, chest pains and tenderness, muscles ache all the time, shoulder issue lasting months, I wake up with crippling neck pains and I have headaches lasting days at a time. It's a shame I've taken a backwards step with symptoms, I haven't had 24/7 pains for years - but it just highlights how bad my mood has got.

    Before lockdown I found therapy was going back to previous form - me saying what I know they wanted to hear. The rational, and optimistic side of me. It was my own fault I suppose, whilst there were sessions where I was very open, I gradually began to close again.

    These days it feels like pessimism is the regular emotion, along with depression. It's rather overwhelming at this point. I wake up sad, I go to work tired, I get to work and sit in a room full of strangers and feel lonely. I work and don't talk all day. I get home exhausted and spend my free time escaping reality through video games or TV etc. The only thing I enjoy in the day is sleep, and my hour lunch break where I walk through the nearby woods and take photos.

    I spoke with HR last week about my depression and thankfully the HR manager could relate as she has bipolar. They're organising an Occupational Health Assessment and they can possibly cover new therapy costs. I also finally got a letter for my referral from the Doctor's for an official Autism and ADHD assessment. Now it's just a waiting game until I have the appointment - it could be a very long wait.

    I'm getting very little satisfaction from life - especially work, and I'm slowly enjoying my free time less and less. Evenings and weekends no longer seem to excite me, and I'm feeling miserable most of the time. I feel like a burden for my partner and my family. I want to share - but I know how quickly opening up about depression can bring an audience down. After 17 years with depression, I feel increasingly guilty and selfish. It seems hard to justify this condition considering I have an easier life than billions of people.

    Sobriety seems to have provided a "eureka" moment for many. I read numerous tales of it being a life-changing event. For me, it has proved more of a hinderance than a benefit. Much like therapy, exercise, diet, medication, meditation and mindfulness - I haven't found any striking, awe-inspiring changes to my depression and anxiety.

    The HR manager suggested trying hypnotherapy. I suppose it couldn't hurt. Still, it seems that if I do have Asperger's or ADHD - these are lifelong conditions, so I suppose there'll be a glass ceiling on improving my life. With sobriety I'm noticing a lot of behavioural traits and tics have erupted to the surface and it's becoming increasingly harder and tiring to mask all this stuff at work and around the public in general. I can only be myself when I'm on my own or around my partner.

    This year I've read a lot about the Autism and ADHD and I finally felt understood, and less defective and strange. Still, knowing it's a life long condition means I'm a bit dubious around what an official diagnosis will bring. I read the lists of behaviours, thoughts and traits and I ticked virtually every box - that closure seems like enough? Would I feel any better in myself having a 3rd party assess me for a few hours and give their seal of approval? Could it hinder more than it helps?

    Living with this constant physical discomfort is difficult though. It adds to the misery, and unlike symptoms that were born of anxiety, when caused by low mood - I struggle to help myself get better. When I slowly accepted symptoms born of anxiety, I gradually reduced them as I reduced my anxiety. But years of depression is draining. I'm so mentally tired at this point. I know there's strength in living with this every day, but with a constant baseline of futility and negativity; it's hard to feel like I'll ever break free of that.

    Whilst depression never seems to let go, anxiety continues to improve. It's no longer a constant daily issue, and after those years spent exposing myself to what made me most anxious - it slowly had less of a hold over me. Sure, if something stressful occurs - I still overreact emotionally, but I calm myself down quicker. The once daily panic attacks now occur perhaps 2 or 3 times a year at most. I suppose that's the best I could realistically hope for. It's an improvement, so I'll take it as a victory.

    I don't want to be medicated, but at the same time I ask myself would I prefer a shorter and happier life, or a longer and more miserable one? Since I was 18 I was indulging in substances. After 300+ days sober and at the age of 34, would I be able to justify going from illegal substances to self-medicate, to legal one's? At the end of the day, is it right to chemically suppress genuine emotions and sides to my persona?

    Either way, one thing is for certain - I'm miserable, and it's getting worse.

    Ed
    Last edited by raggamuffin; 09-28-2020 at 07:00 AM.
    How strong, how costly, the urge to fight our fate and turn back time. But life is meant to be consumed, not preserved to ward off doom. One can surely die from fear, before the end is ever near.

  8. #58
    Hi Ed..

    I read everything, and I'm sorry things aren't going well for you.

    Well at least the anxiety is improving, even thought the depression isn't. Yes, depression does indeed manifest into physical symptoms, for me it does as well. It is draining to go through this every day. Waking up sad is hard. Some days I do too, usually it's because of poor sleep though.

    That's great you're better able to calm yourself down quicker from your panic attacks - do take that as a victory.

    I hope you don't have to wait too long for that appointment, and things will somehow improve for you in the not so distant future.

    Take good care.

    ~Sal
    I'd rather be a 'could-be' if I cannot be an 'are' because a 'could-be' is a 'maybe' who is reaching for a star. I'd rather be a 'has-been' than a 'might-have-been' by far; for a 'might-have-been' has never been, but a 'has' was once an 'are.

    -Milton_Berle

 

 

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