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  1. #41
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    Welcome back ragga , good you joined that forum, sometimes asking people helps a lot. You are never alone.
    ''“If you cry because the sun has gone out of your life, your tears will prevent you from seeing the stars.”
    ''
    ― Rabindranath Tagore

  2. #42
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    Day 87

    My therapist assured me eventually depression will lessen thanks to sobriety. Right now, it feels like it's having the opposite effect. Substances were used to take the edge off. Yes, they created problems, worries and guilt of their own - but they also has a guaranteed temporary effect.

    Living with myself with a clarity I haven't experienced for over a decade is rather challenging. The tics and traits I'd read were on the spectrum are all amped up. I feel more alert and awake in life, but I also have issues with some of the negative aspects of my life.

    My patience, sensitivity to sounds, issues with dealing with annoyances, my anger, my anxiety, depression and suicidal thoughts are all firing off a lot more frantically than they have in a long time.

    On the Autism/Asperger's forum I joined someone asked a profound and upfront question - what is preventing you from committing suicide. On that forum for people on the spectrum it's clear a large number of them are struggling on a daily basis with mental health.

    Whilst suicide is not exactly an easy subject, I found the openness of the people quite refreshing. Just in general it's a nice forum. There's no down rate option or trolling etc. A lot of active members and good advice to be found.

    I guess the problem with suicide is that as soon as you mention a real thought, like that, people freak out. Now and then I reveal a true and unfiltered thought and people lose their shit.

    I did it the other week, the guy I get on with best on our team was off for 4 months with his fibromyalgia flare up. He came back for a week and was rushed to hospital on Tuesday. He's a good guy and whilst nobody deserves that amount of bad luck - I said to kristy that I wished it was the temp who was hospitalised and not him.

    She told me that was dark. It was, but that's one of hundreds I have a day. Unfortunately being sober I feel darker thoughts are more prevalent. It's nothing dangerous or anything. I'm not going to hurt anyone or do anything illegal - I just don't feel good, especially in myself.

    The temp is an odd one. We have a lot of similarities and yet everything she does or says makes me cringe, or feel angry and uncomfortable. I've not met many people like that in life - someone that you simply despise. Usually people like this weren't nice people and so my reason for disliking them didn't feel so riddled with guilt. With the temp, they're not a bad person. They're immature for their age, but the big issue I have is that they don't stop talking at you and the subject matter is always complete drivel.

    Anyway.

    Suicidal thoughts have been daily since a teenager. So, seeing that forum post did make me ponder what reasons I had not to do it.

    The reason I haven't is probably cowardice on my part.

    I don't have the courage to live my life how I want to. Similarly, I don't have the courage to end it either.

    I understand the view that suicide is selfish to the one's you leave behind. But I also find grief around death to be a selfish emotion. People torment themselves with nostalgia or guilt around what they could or should have done or said when this person was alive.

    I remember speaking with a GP not long after my nan died. He said everyone at a funeral who cries is doing so for their own mortality. Quite a blunt statement by all accounts, but I get it. Death makes you reflect, we all know it's coming one day, and losing someone close to you makes you ponder how and when your end will be.

    I suppose suicide has a comfort to it in removing that question of how/when death will come by taking the matter into your own hands. I used to view suicide with contempt, and shared the view that it was selfish or cowardly. In truth, they have more courage than I could ever hope to muster.

    Ed
    How strong, how costly, the urge to fight our fate and turn back time. But life is meant to be consumed, not preserved to ward off doom. One can surely die from fear, before the end is ever near.

  3. #43
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    A number of years ago, a friend of mine committed suicide. He had left his wife for a younger woman. He was around 50 and she was around 25. He had twin teenage daughters from his first marriage. He lived in northern Maryland and had a home in Florida. His marriage started out good and he had a child with his second wife. Things began going south and he said his wife became very demanding and began to badger him. She started spending large amounts of money and they began to argue. One day he called me in my office on a Tuesday and he sounded very frail, distraught and old. He said he could not deal with things anymore and left things at that. That Friday, he shot and killed himself. Very sad indeed.

  4. #44
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    I think one trait I find especially difficult is how self-centred I feel. Depression feels selfish, and in a way - self made. If I wasn't here, my depression wouldn't continue to exist independent of me. But the biggest issue I find is lack of empathy. Apparently it's quite common with people on the spectrum. When I read articles regarding it, I felt less like a monster. But it's something I can't really be open about that often. People react to death or love and I feel absolutely nothing.

    A woman on our team at work has lost 2 people close to her recently. Everyone apologised and seemed to feel sad for someone they'd never heard of up until that moment they were told they no longer existed. I didn't have anything valid to say - so I said nothing. I know that it's traditional or expected to feel remorse when you hear someone has died, but I don't.

    If I realise I'm expected to feel something, I force it and pretend. But I keep it brief, because lying feels awkward. The same goes for love. I've dated numerous people. There's happiness and there can be obsession at times - but love? The phrase "I love you" feels utterly meaningless to me.

    I suppose this could be depression once again. Slowly but surely my hobbies, past times and enjoyments in life are fading away. Things I used to relish I no longer find any fun or happiness in whatsoever. I think drinking and weed helped keep some things alive a little bit longer. Even doing nothing whilst buzzed had an air of enjoyment to it.

    Now I'm sober. Sober and alone with my thoughts. Going through the motions, trying to force things to feel fun. Trying to convince myself that anxiety and depression will get better now that I'm not relying on artificial emotions or happiness.

    I don't know - it almost feels like I felt more when I wasn't sober. Now I'm facing relentless clarity and it's daunting.

    Anyway, sorry for going on. Thank you for sharing that story with me. I take some comfort in the notion there could be something on the other side of life. I'm not convinced it's as clear cut as religion, or as bleak as the atheist perspective. But I guess only time will tell.

    Again though, thank you for sharing.

    Ed
    How strong, how costly, the urge to fight our fate and turn back time. But life is meant to be consumed, not preserved to ward off doom. One can surely die from fear, before the end is ever near.

  5. #45
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    Here is what I have hanging on the wall in my office near my desk:

    Don't Quit

    When things go wrong, as they sometimes will,
    When the road you're trudging seems all uphill,
    When the funds are low, and the debts are high,
    And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,
    When care is pressing you down a bit,
    Rest if you must, but don't quit.

    Life is strange, with its twists and turns,
    As everyone of us sometimes learns,
    Any many a failure turns about,
    When he might have won had he stuck it out,
    Don't give up though the pace seems slow,
    You may succeed with another blow.

    Success is failure turned inside out,
    The silver tint of the clouds of doubt,
    And you can never tell how close you are,
    It may be near when its seems so far,
    So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit,
    It's when things seem worse,
    That you must not quit.

  6. #46
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    For many years I was doing the tarot readings. So many people who were thinking about suicide actually committed it, Nothing could help. After loosing probably 11 th person on the road, I stopped, I had stopped doing readings for people. Not to this extend, I do this only from time to time. What I had learned in the years, was to protect somehow myself. It is easy to feel sorry , but not so easy to be truthful about your feelings. Your gp Ragga was right,
    Crying on funeral is crying for us, for the end of us
    I do not think suicide is a cowardice , no it is not.
    Suicidal thoughts. Well all my family were obsessed with it till late age.
    My mom survived nazies and Dachau concentration camp and she was still thinking about suicide ; for years. I stopped considering it 14years ago, when my grandchild were born, I knew she will need me. she is in life everyday
    Love; I am so old , I thought that I had loved so many times, but still can not describe love,
    Loyalty, friendship, kindness, is that love?
    Ragga I am probably talking to myself using your thread as excuse. Nevertheless , I am happy to see you with us, 87 days..... that's a long time and you still doing it, I am proud of you ,
    ''“If you cry because the sun has gone out of your life, your tears will prevent you from seeing the stars.”
    ''
    ― Rabindranath Tagore

  7. #47
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    My father (may he rest in peace) came here from Poland with his father right before WWII and many of his relatives got killed in the concentration camps.

  8. #48
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    Quote Originally Posted by Kirk View Post
    My father (may he rest in peace) came here from Poland with his father right before WWII and many of his relatives got killed in the concentration camps.
    yes it was tragic, so many lifes lost So Kirk you are 50% polish
    ''“If you cry because the sun has gone out of your life, your tears will prevent you from seeing the stars.”
    ''
    ― Rabindranath Tagore

  9. #49
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    My father and his father arrived at Ellis Island New York and came to Baltimore. My grandfather was a shoemaker and he passed away at a young age before I was born. I was named after him. My father had some WWII items and he never really talked about Poland, even when I asked him. He also had an accent. My father used to say, never look back, just look forward. My father never graduated high school and was a meat cutter. He used to work 7 days a week and was always tired. He passed away in January 2013, at the age of 93. In fact, the period September 2012, through August 2013, my mother, father and uncle all passed away.
    Last edited by Kirk; 02-26-2020 at 09:59 AM.

  10. #50
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    oh they had a difficult life I am sorry for your loss Kirk
    ''“If you cry because the sun has gone out of your life, your tears will prevent you from seeing the stars.”
    ''
    ― Rabindranath Tagore

 

 

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