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  1. #21
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    Oh another fantastic post Ed. thanks for the link, We have a huge difference of age but we have more in common that you guess.
    At least you are following your dream now.
    Your notes about being in work you actually feel like slave, doing what you do not enjoy, it was me in Canada for long 26 years. Till my hubby won the compensation from insurance company and we could relax, I immediately registered the business, rented a booth on market and started selling. I finally could sell my herbal products, and what is more, i have returning customers happy with help I can provide using my talent, and knowledge. From being a young girl i was interested in medicine, but I have PSTD witnessing (as a child) few deaths, I am like a dog get attach to people very easy, and they do accept and like me,
    for the last few years I am making sure, I spend a few minutes a day appreciate what I have; beautiful home, very nice car, beautiful grandchild and supporting partner, even in most times he does not understand why I am upset or down. I tried marketing online but it is difficult for me, I do enjoy talking to people and show what I do and what i know. Sometimes I am surprised how much knowledge I collected in years of being sick and trying to help myself with natural healing.
    I sell once a week on Saturdays , it is long day over 10 hours,but very satisfying. That's my social life , I can not do more, I quit doing the shows it takes too much from me.
    Our world is so crazy that sometimes I completely close myself to any news or interaction. It is too much. The world is exhausting. I think you should follow your dream , I agree with your dad's friend, Do not waste the time.
    you are as tall as my ex husband. I like it, Piercing ; I do not have a lot of them but some, They do not bother me, at all. A lot of my customers have piercing and tattoos but in the moment they smile i do not see it, I see kind people. Thank you so much for the beautiful post, You just made my day, I love to read people stories,
    A lot of people stop at my booth and I made a lot of friends there, They do not care that i have heavy accent, They want to talk to me and tell theirs story. I love listening people. That is one of my talents. I am a very good listener and I have a good memory
    I had worked in nursing home for over 6 years, made a lot of friends there, even my heart was broken when someone died, The residents helped me a lot with my English.
    Finally I was so heart broken that I found a job in dental laboratory; I honestly hated , Very hard job, and I had accident there when I was lifting dental stone. When there is despair then the solution comes. Works comp paid for my college, and I finally had a few years when I did what I love the most; learning.
    Yes learning is something that help me with anxiety and depression. As long as I learn new things I am ok ) Wow I should proof reading . but I also need to go to workshop to work on products . Till next post Ed
    Last edited by Dahila; 12-09-2019 at 07:30 AM.
    ''“If you cry because the sun has gone out of your life, your tears will prevent you from seeing the stars.”
    ''
    ― Rabindranath Tagore

  2. #22
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    It'll be two weeks tomorrow. There hasn't been a great deal of change in mindet or general health and wellbeing at this point. I'll admit, there's a good deal more clarity when I'm not living in a fog. It does feel good in some ways, but problematic in others.

    Cravings come and go. More so for porn rather than drink or weed. But they all have their moments. Usually short lived and never overwhelming.

    Work has been busier than normal in recent weeks and that does take its toll in terms of fatigue and stress. I do my best even though its not where I want to be. There's no sense making life tougher on my work colleagues by coasting along doing very little. Best to have pride in your work even when there's no passion behind it.

    I imagine the weekend will be more of the same - relentless gaming, binging TV shows etc and not doing much else. Not exactly riveting, but I will address these addictions next year.

    I'm thinking spring is a good time to quit gaming as the evenings will be lighter and I can start doing my fire staffing again after work and maybe on my lunch breaks too.

    Glad it's payday on 20th as Xmas is costly. Not really looking forward to Xmas with my partners family staying for 3 days, but it is what it is.

    Ed
    How strong, how costly, the urge to fight our fate and turn back time. But life is meant to be consumed, not preserved to ward off doom. One can surely die from fear, before the end is ever near.

  3. #23
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    "Hi, how are you?"
    "Fine."

    The question is a social nicety - as is my response. In truth I rarely feel fine. At best I'd say I feel uncomfortable; whether this is mentally or physically. There's always a certain degree of exhaustion as well as undertones of doubt, or fear. At the end of the day, we all have our cross to bear, and whilst I have become more open in recent years - I prefer to keep small talk at a minimum as I find it serves little purpose and provides no enjoyment. Through politeness, embarrassment and lack of time - I say I am fine because it tends to prevent further small talk.

    I've found I've opened up more in recent years, and with this has grown an inquisitive nature to learn more about people. In truth my conversations can still be rather 1 dimensional and led by myself throughout. Another issue I've found is relating to people's emotions - having tackled and begun to manage my own in recent years, I feel that additional stressors from others is unwarranted and uninvited. I'm happy to offer advice and an alternate perspective - but I feel I mentally shut out and disconnect from what is displeasing. In a way I think this behaviour has some merit. Prior to this, in previous years I'd have engaged and adopted other people's emotions. To not only provide emotional support, but share and carry their burden as my own.

    This is because helping others is easier than helping yourself. Providing advice is swifter than following it and assimilating it into your own life too.

    I rang my parents today - these conversations tend to be rather one sided as my parents provide updates on people from my past as well as friends and family members who I haven't seen in years. Usually it's a list of achievements of what people have accomplished with their lives. Topics and themes are well trodden when it comes to conversations with my family. They share stories I've heard time and time again as I patiently listen whilst silently begging for the story to end.

    I'm asked if I have any news - which, through social politeness I tend to keep very brief. Even whilst living at home, I tried my hardest to keep depression from my parents, because it was a very personal issue, and whilst my home life was far from turbulent or unstable - I lived in my head which was constantly unsettled. Every now and then I'd crack in conversation. Usually this was with my mum whilst chatting. Every conversation with my parents stirs up emotions, a lot of which are more unsettling than when I talk with other people. Sometimes things would hit a little too close to home and I would burst into tears and open the lid ever so slightly.

    A brief torrent of confused emotions, thoughts and feelings of emptiness and worthlessness would be projected outward. However, it's a situation that is unexpected and it's difficult to console someone who rarely opens up to you - even if this is your own child. Not long after the lid would be firmly shut again and I'd go back to bottling up everything.

    As the years have gone by these feelings have grown and matured in their own way, as have my methods of coping and rationalising the unbalanced thoughts I fixate on. Balance is especially troublesome when my emotions go from hyperactivity and mania to deep depression and despair instantaneously. To make matters even more problematic - social niceties and timidness prevent me from revealing my true self in the workplace. 10 hours a day I'm repressed, and as the years have gone by and the growing despair of working in dead end jobs has grown - I find it harder still to find my footing and balance my thoughts.

    So how are you?

    I am fine. As fine as can be expected for someone who is living a lie. A job I have no passion or place being in. A person who's friends primarily exist in the online world and who share a mutual addiction - gaming. A past time that's helped me cope with each day I work. Unfortunately, as time has gone by I've grown to enjoy less and less in life. It's got to the point where even gaming feels like a burden and a begrudging expectation than a means to unwind or enjoy myself.

    Gaming is strange in that I switch off when the PC switches on. It's not that there isn't a great deal of thought behind me playing video games - but I disconnect from reality as soon as the PC is switched on. On my days off I switch the PC on as soon as I wake up and switch it off before I go to bed.

    Come spring my plan is to sell my graphics card and gaming monitor. Thus I have a PC which is incapable of running games. I'll be forcing my hand to quitting cold turkey, as I have done with the recent 3 addictions I've given up.

    With no gaming I'll be forced to undertake more productive past times such as my art, photography, staffing and fitness.

    I got home in a real slump. It was nearing the end of my drive home when my mum asked me for a second time if I had any updates. She followed up this question by saying: "Well, you're happy at least?"

    I suppose it was because a phone conversation is much like an online chat - it can be easier to be yourself or be honest when it's a faceless conversation. I told her I wasn't alright, and briefly described a well trodden path of conversation for me - I'm stuck in jobs I hate and with each passing day it's getting harder and harder to keep up this facade.

    I tend to end the phone call when I get home, as I did today. I could tell she wanted to talk more and was concerned. It's not very kind or courteous of me to leave her worrying - which is why I tend not to open up to them.

    A problem shared sometimes isn't a problem halved - it's doubled.

    Ed
    Last edited by raggamuffin; 12-13-2019 at 11:36 AM.
    How strong, how costly, the urge to fight our fate and turn back time. But life is meant to be consumed, not preserved to ward off doom. One can surely die from fear, before the end is ever near.

  4. #24
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    Tomorrow I will read your two posts, and answer I am too tired to focus today Ragga , I hope you have relaxing weekend
    ''“If you cry because the sun has gone out of your life, your tears will prevent you from seeing the stars.”
    ''
    ― Rabindranath Tagore

  5. #25
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    I'm on day 21 now and I've noticed some changing thoughts of late.

    Originally I thought that no porn was enough and I was 15 days into quitting porn when I decided to stop masturbating as well. I started to feel like imagining your own porn was no better than looking at porn on the internet. I felt just as depraved picturing having sex with friends and ex's from my past. In fact, I didn't picture any porn I'd seen before, as it was more exciting to create my own.

    Now I'm on day 21 of no porn and day 6 of "NoFap" and I have to say it does feel more challenging quitting both. During those initial 15 days I found myself looking forward to masturbating and there was the same feelings of disappointment and depression when I finished.

    So I decided enough was enough. I won't deny, it's tough at this moment in time. But I don't want to go back to how I used to be - and I look upon those times with an overwhelming sense of shame and disgust. Looking back on 20 years with porn, I feel that I became addicted very early on. Even during those dial up days when the PC was easily infected with viruses and the internet was so slow - the mindset and excitement I felt had me hooked alarmingly quickly.

    Realising that depression began to take a foothold in my life around this time seems to coincide with several experiences - porn use, gaming addiction and being told I couldn't follow my dream of studying art at college and university as it wasn't "career friendly."

    So I overindulged in fiction - via video games, porn and binging on TV shows and films. I wanted to disconnect from reality because I was making choices and following career paths which were always second best to my real passion which was my creativity. Drugs and alcohol eventually played their part in aiding this desire for escapism until I reached a point where I was fed up and exhausted from this lifestyle.

    I still have a way to go and there are other addictions such as gaming, junk food and the internet that I wish to quit early next year. In some way I suppose me shying away from reality was a means to entrap myself in other people's creations. If I couldn't make a living from my own - I could spend my time residing in other people's.

    The highs and lows of these past 3 weeks have been intense, especially with no weed or alcohol to cloud my emotions and judgements. Gaming has been my main means of distraction outside of work - but similar feelings are experienced at the end of a weekend wasted gaming as I felt after I finished masturbating to porn or woke up with a hangover - regret, shame and disgust.

    Having added a 4th discarded addiction to the list in the past 3 weeks, I feel that I have more than enough on my plate to work through before I consider giving up gaming. I know that it will be done - and I'm intimidated by tackling my longest running addiction that has spanned over 25 years of my life. But, if I can quit 3 things at once and then add a 4th to the list 15 days later, I'm sure I'll be able to knock gaming on the head come spring.

    I suppose initially quitting porn seemed manageable because I told myself masturbating was fine. But in my opinion it isn't - there's still that reliance on fiction and avoiding reality. Last night me and my partner had sex, and as shameful as it is to admit - that was the first time I'd had sex with someone and hadn't been imagining I was having sex with someone else in over a decade.

    That realisation is profoundly upsetting, but it just goes to show that progress is being made and that I'm on the right track to recovery.
    Last edited by raggamuffin; 12-21-2019 at 11:15 AM.
    How strong, how costly, the urge to fight our fate and turn back time. But life is meant to be consumed, not preserved to ward off doom. One can surely die from fear, before the end is ever near.

  6. #26
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    Ragga do not quit everything at once cause you will not succeed. Just one thing at the time, Every time I wanted to quit more than one addiction I had fail. It took me 10 years to finally quit smoking and it was a fight, When I decide only smoking or rather no smoking is important now, I had succeed Keep strong
    ''“If you cry because the sun has gone out of your life, your tears will prevent you from seeing the stars.”
    ''
    ― Rabindranath Tagore

  7. #27
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    I'm supposed to be retiring from forums at the end of the year, for personal reasons. Not having a social life means I'm gonna find it hard to resist the urge to use them again and again.

  8. #28
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    why you have to retire from forum? I do not have social life at all so internet fiils that emptiness
    ''“If you cry because the sun has gone out of your life, your tears will prevent you from seeing the stars.”
    ''
    ― Rabindranath Tagore

  9. #29
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    I'm on day 29 of no porn, weed or alcohol. Cravings aren't as prevalent. Guilt, depression and anxiety continues to peak and trough. I'm doing my best to keep busy to prevent dwelling on these old addictions. I've joined a FB group that'll allow me to sell my gaming PC components.

    I've looked into getting a USB PC to allow me to have Internet access, use of MS Office programmes and to be ae to stream from Netflix and Prime. The one thing it won't allow is gaming.

    I'm also setting up a WiFi router setting that prevents going online for more than 3 hours a day. This should all enable me to end my gaming addiction and reduce time wasted staring at a screen in my free time.

    Ed
    How strong, how costly, the urge to fight our fate and turn back time. But life is meant to be consumed, not preserved to ward off doom. One can surely die from fear, before the end is ever near.

  10. #30
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    wow Congratulation, you taking it so well. The guild is another sign of addiction. Good idea with restricting access to gaming. I can lose myself in stupid arcade games for hours, Ragga it is a progress , I think it is huge progress.
    When I have this guild and anxiety sometimes few minutes of meditation helps, but the most effective for me is appreciation meditation
    I am frigging proud of you Ragga, if you allow me .
    ''“If you cry because the sun has gone out of your life, your tears will prevent you from seeing the stars.”
    ''
    ― Rabindranath Tagore

 

 

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