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  1. #21
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    Still working on severing those relations. It's meant to hurt. That's the point when whilst others dish it out with their own ignorance - pain is what they offer despite their shallow attempts to make up for the compulsiveness of their egos. No more being the door mat and allowing myself to be easily led.

    As for the meat and potatoes of my drama filled story called life, I am not sure I am am quite ready to munch down quite yet. This is where I find esoteric writing to be more effective. No doubt why for all my limitations, this is why I find myself more attracted to writing like so as a more fitting experience of letting go. I often referred to such a format as 'freestyle' as it really really has no format at all. One of my latest supports at the holistic healing center calls it channeling. I kind of laugh thinking about that now as typically I would think of most channelers as feeding the ego for their own gains, lest they be complete deluded - but who is not this day and age? Nevertheless I understand more now what she means.

    In order for me to return to such freedoms, I need to unblock the BS that I have allowed to get in my way re this forum. The next test will be to reflect other peoples ego, with that quest being with a silence of my own. Taking those last few words and now making it my soul affirmation for today's intent that will be the last I mention on those blockages again.
    __________________________________

    Today I continue working on my body. More pain to sift through in more ways than one. But for now I work on the physical and latter in the morning I do both emotional and spiritual with my new paid friend.
    Last edited by Ponder; 11-14-2019 at 01:19 PM.
    "...the cost of sanity in this society is a certain level of alienation" ~ Terrance McKenna → https://pondermovedhere.blogspot.com/

  2. #22
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    ______

    The night time is addictive. Silent. Tranquil. You and yourself.
    Then comes morning.. When all of the bastards in the world wake up and create noise.




    ___________________
    _____
    _

    The top being a comment that rings so true, despite my efforts to sound oh so humble during those times I have heart. Of course that has not been an ambition of late. Irony in how I find all aspects of such toxic words to be just that, but yet I still use them subconsciously. That is to say I have no care for the word ambition as I do success. On the contrary, I am right beside my daughter with her latest self destructive quest. I only wish I could be by her side; that she would let others in. She too no doubt understands the above comment that rings so true.

    Well - not sure what to say really. I'm thankful that my parents could come up with a few thousand so we could lodge an application to intervene with the latest proceedings. We have never wanted to stand in between our grandson and our daughter as we can clearly see how much a victim she has been to all sides of this oppressive system. Her 'un-diagnosed' traits (+ certified) and her own resistance to be seen as broken has made her journey hard , just as my own predispositions and my own resistance has impacted/s all those close me. This is how energy flows.

    We would do well to acknowledge how an individuals dignity is beaten through the process of domestic violence and seeing one's child abused. I need not pull up the photos as it's all still very fresh in my mind. Then through the resistance, typically embodied in bitterness and depression, bad choices are made that yeild the full force of controlling systems. The later with next to no compassion, in fact it too, typically follows on with it's own form abuse. This often referred to as victimizing the victim. We humans are all ego when it comes to such traits. In fact that process defines the competitive nature of our society and our existence. I guess I am trying to come up with examples that prepare me for the upcoming scrutiny by the powers that be. No doubt the lawyers of the 'other' victim will be looking to discredit and dismiss. Of course being not a criminal case (although criminal acts have been investigate and found re the father, mother and child) - the act of cross-examination whilst behind a veil of professionalism, will still be an act of tearing breaking people down.

    How will I prepare myself for that? I guess knowledge in this case is a good thing with some work on myself in between. They will have the background on me. In fact they will have some very recent reports that were done by numerous mental health professionals regarding my current labels. This is a good thing really, as all those reports spawn from compliance, my own choice to utilize services intended for support and stability. In this I know well how the game is played ... and YES ... in this world our existence is but just a game. Back to the definition of winners and losers. Sad to say.

    Additional costs will be between 10 to 20 thousand dollars with little change of legal aid (subsidy) We do not have enough and not do my parents. Unfortunately my wife's parents just disowned her with claims that our daughter destroyed their family. That's another story. On that note, I don't know how my wife does it. Her condition whilst it taxes her very much - well - she is the definition of resilience. Without her we would all truly be *&^%ed! Thankfully we have defended ourselves more than just a few times. If it so happens we get no legal aid, we will tackle this latest drama with the same determination we have in the past. For all my distrust of the system and so called professionals, my wife seems to like my daughters solicitor. She seems to be understanding and talks to my wife more like a human being than any dealings in our past with said lawyers. It was my daughters solicitor who line us up with another. Although not encouraged, they will be working together. The updated report of the Independent Child Lawyer also seems to favor us at this stage pending a new hearing.

    If I were not to write a book and complete this post so I can get in my much needed morning exercise - It would go something like this:

    The latest plan is to take in our grandson full time, look for a bigger house where our daughter has agreed to move in. That way there will be four certified disabled people supporting each other whilst a court case goes on in the background wondering what decisions to make. The grandfather being certified with mild autism, adult adhd and a host of other PTSD related symptoms deemed permanent, the grandson with autism level 2, the child's mother and our daughter certified with borderline personality disorder (variant of PTSD) with major depressive disorder + ongoing diagnosis - AND then my wife with primary progressive multiple sclerosis. My wife has been told by another lawyer that they would step in and take the case regardless of us not having enough money and or whether we get legal aid. I'm told this is because our situation is becoming a land mark case. If so - this is not the first land mark case I have been involved in.

    Is hard for me to keep focus now. I know that through all this dysfunction that I met my wife when I was 22. I am 50 now. My son told me the other day that he is proud of both myself and my wife for having stuck it out. My wife/ his mum, being recently disowned is what brought that comment on. I think how that comment reflect much of the resilience we do have for each other and how it is that we once again gravitate back to a single point under the one house - that is if the authorities allow our daughter to move in. If they don't - it's going to be very hard for me to take the stand. How could you keep someone out in the cold when they are most vulnerable? I try not to think on that - but will deal with that when and if the time comes.

    There is a lot of good that has come out of my affected family - but right now I have to prepare for the picking apart that our society is well known for - it will never accept it's part in our dysfunction, but instead look to blame each and everyone.

    I don't need to change my mind set on that - Just the way I think and accept it is all. It is what it is - My wife and I + all our kids can see that for what it is. The choices we make thereafter are but the ones we have to live with. That bit of info only seen from my own perspective and quite painful when seeing others who care less for such insight. Still plenty of choices to make though. I focus on that.

    Admittedly I am struggling ... but have plenty of support in place and doing what I must. I will be ready for the wolves. New inspiration to lose weight and fit into yet another suit.

    Slow process - but I am getting there with my fitness. Both physically and mentally ... despite what you may read in here.

    This place is but just another one of my tools. One in which I let out what I must, so that I can face the bitter irony of our so called - imperfect world.
    Last edited by Ponder; 11-16-2019 at 01:34 PM.
    "...the cost of sanity in this society is a certain level of alienation" ~ Terrance McKenna → https://pondermovedhere.blogspot.com/

  3. #23
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    Such is life - we shall do all we have to do to protect each other. If there is to be a purpose, I guess that is ours.

    Enough said.
    "...the cost of sanity in this society is a certain level of alienation" ~ Terrance McKenna → https://pondermovedhere.blogspot.com/

  4. #24
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    Drop the Puppets Friends & Learn How To - Motivate Yourself.




    OK - I'll put that on the back burner for a while and let that sit, whilst I turn my attention to something of another topic. Finding motivation is a very personal thing which is why I one again care less of what others think. Finding what works for oneself is key. If others not close to you object (not inherently connected) get in your way of recovery [lack of a more appropriate term]/stability, then it is best to cut them out of your life. Inherent connections are commonly broken this day and age via new age doctrine that often refer to soul contracts. In this light I am very careful what I choose to beleive. In fact most of the challenging, radical concepts I post about are not something I beleive. I don't beleive anything that I do not experience for myself. Even then, my own experiences can be hard to fathom as is. In my own pondering I often trip and contradict. That's just part and parcel of deciphering in a deceptive world, to which that 'I' have come to see. Although I say I, I would bet that latter is an actual experience that most of us can agree on. Thus far I am highlighting the words 'see' and 'feel' rather than feed myself with main stream stereotypical responses that further deceive with an agenda that's commonly meant to separate. The racist and bigoted kind you that unfortunately have to endure on FB, posts that are designed to alienate groups. Those that thrive on political banter do the same thing sharing opinions with an air of self importance. It is how our world thrives and whilst many claim not to be sheep, just one quick look on FB reveals just how puppeted they truly are. The context of all that?

    Well when you realise you don't want puppets for friends - it sure can be tough staying motivated with only yourself left. So it is that I am back to square one - with finding out, How To Stay Motivated With Yourself?

    Couple of points I need to work on with this in regard - 'You Are What You Think?' Often used to dismiss the circumstances of others [puppeteering] when highlighting how destructive our thoughts can be; yet a very powerful tool to enable oneself. Then there is the contrasting and or complementary point of, 'Be Careful What You Believe!'
    Those two points often come to my mind of recent and very strongly when I attempt to bounce back within my episodic cycles. Disinformation definitely reigns with current lifestyles as a whole further impeding on people's ability to take control. So whilst I am more entertained to date with most of the 'stories' within the would be disclosure movement - coming back to a more simpler or just plain personalized take I think is a good place to sit. Just as with all the other stuff - going on - I will to put that on the back burner and see if I can write my own thing. To be sure the sifting of all said information and that which has rung, will no doubt play into my perceptions.

    Will I choose to think this way or that because it feels more comfortable?
    Will I choose to beleive this or that because it feels more comfortable?

    I %100 see and feel how that can be a trap. Yet - and I mean YET ... keeps plaguing me ... that there is something to creating my own reality if need be? How to truly disconnect from a world bent on 'feel good numbers?' As in demonizes individuals so people end up gravitating into groups with large numbers. Think of clubs, fads, movements down to political parties all with a mob mentally.


    How to truly disconnect from a world bent on 'feel good numbers?' and not feel so alone.
    __________________________________________________ ___________________________________

    I know~! Seek out others who feel the same without the need to create a group or profess this or that. Stop talking about the others?

    Hmmm ... now that's going to be tough.

    Yet I think it's true. It amounts to the same thing as blaming others.


    Let's see if I can avoid people with a little more confidence today. Note - that whilst motivating myself, I do not succumb to the clinical push to integrate with others. That's very important if one does not want to become a puppet. Yet the this compulsive need for resistance needs to lightened until there is no resistance. To freely walk by myself without any need whatsoever for joining other groups. How to be with others ... well that does require acknowledging the toxicity of our world ... as in how to be in but not of the world.

    I will chose to continue working on my self ... my health ... my self care, but I will also continue to work on detaching from society until such a point it no longer is a topic. For now it does motivate me. The only difference is that I will no longer be side tracked with puppets.

    Have a nice day.







    Last edited by Ponder; 11-17-2019 at 01:34 PM.
    "...the cost of sanity in this society is a certain level of alienation" ~ Terrance McKenna → https://pondermovedhere.blogspot.com/

  5. #25
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    On that note ... lets see if I can leave the puppets be. 18/11/2019
    "...the cost of sanity in this society is a certain level of alienation" ~ Terrance McKenna → https://pondermovedhere.blogspot.com/

  6. #26
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    Notes On Suicide Attempt.

    I have to start taking notes otherwise I won't be able to live with myself knowing I did not do more to intervene. Hopefully these posts can help us deal with what we must. I also try to take some of the pressure off my wife to assist with making pivotal points re the solicitors drawing up affidavits and overall general approach. We might even have to go in by ourselves if and when solicitors are unable raise certain points due to whatever constraints.
    __________________________

    *In relation to our daughters recent suicide attempt, we ask the court to consider that although our daughter may have preexisting un-diagnosed (recently dx-ed BPD & now under psychiatric assessment pending dx for court hearing)conditions, to consider the high level of PTSD resultant from both previous partners abusive behaviour. That this behaviour warranted a domestic violence order, and additionally an event which was investigated by both police and child welfare depts, for the marks left a sixteen month old child who was then on an overnight visit with the father.

    *That not only these events factoring into our daughters degradation but also the ongoing court proceedings which has resulted in much denigration and scrutiny over X amount of years (time) - that all these events have not only contributed to our daughters suicide attempt but dramatically impacted her mental health.

    *It's worth noting the events aforementioned mentioned,are the actions or her partner (who has his own history), also with the long drawn out proceedings being outside our daughters control. (Althougha repeated statement I leave it for your own rewording into the onestatement)

    *The fact our daughter called the ambulance suggests that she wants to live.

    *Also note that this attempt and a previous questionable call out, all took place when the child was not in her care. It is on these facts/considerations that we say our daughters suicide attempt and self destructive ways have been more a cry for help, that in fact, our daughter wishes to live and has never placed her son at risk.

    In summery that whilst there must be consequences for our daughter to accept her own actions, we ask that the court will consider these important points when factoring in our daughters state
    ________

    edit - *Notes to amend with - 'Emotionally Fatigued' Vs a Proven Child Abuser (no positive notifications of child abuse against the mother)
    Last edited by Ponder; 11-18-2019 at 03:22 PM.
    "...the cost of sanity in this society is a certain level of alienation" ~ Terrance McKenna → https://pondermovedhere.blogspot.com/

  7. #27
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    "You know Dave, somtimes you just got to bend over and take it up the ass!"

    Why the fuck do I even try? My wife kind of summed it all up today by telling me re the court case and my trepidation about, once again, being questioned "You know Dave, somtimes you just got to bend over and take it up the ass!" I've kept quiet on that one but now think I have an anwer:

    Your honour, I have already on more than one accasion woken up in strange places, still half drugged, pants down around my ankles with KY gell around my anus! I get it, this is the part where I bend over and allow myself to be fucked! No problem - Go Your Hardest!!!

    WOW - for all the embelsihing I am sure that took place with the many making whatever claims, such is but a piece of the puzzel from my drama filled life whilst living on the streets. I only bring those episodes to light, relfeting like so on my wife's rather thoughtless comment today. To be sure she is suffering just as much as we all. I did not respond in kind as I have done here. I really did leave that one sit until now ... before I go to bed.

    I'm a head case to be sure. Getting older and getting more screwed by the day. Man - my wife really came out with it today. She is right though. Sad to fucking say.

    If only I can take that concept of humilitation and turn it into something more humble.

    I have given in with this little insight into my past (although touched on it in here sometime ago) ... It is interesting I guess; drawing like so. Life is full of irony.
    ______________________________________

    ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
    "...the cost of sanity in this society is a certain level of alienation" ~ Terrance McKenna → https://pondermovedhere.blogspot.com/

  8. #28
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    Is this the time that I am finally over and out? As painful as that be, it's probably also just what I need.
    "...the cost of sanity in this society is a certain level of alienation" ~ Terrance McKenna → https://pondermovedhere.blogspot.com/

  9. #29
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    Started A New Online Medication Journal

    A productive day really. Made some ground with learning HTML and uploading the beginnings to a medication journal. http://mymeds.atwebpages.com/

    I also was paid a visit by a support person I value highly.

    Psychiatrist visit went well enough. He is now treating me for Adult ADHD among other things.

    Today was my first day on the new medication.

    I think I will call it a night and hopefully fit more into a routine which I had already started some weeks ago.

    Exercise and eating is going well enough. As to my outdoor exposure.

    My daughter came and stayed over tonight and grandson very happy about that.

    ZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
    "...the cost of sanity in this society is a certain level of alienation" ~ Terrance McKenna → https://pondermovedhere.blogspot.com/

  10. #30
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    Won interim custody pending a final hearing which might take between 3 to 4 days. If things were not stressful enough we now have to move house. I am exhausted after a lone stretch with my grandson and the taking of new meds. Very thankful to see my wife return from the big smoke. She did well and my mothers money did not go to waste. That reminds me I should give her a call and let her know that good news. To be sure there is one hell of a fight yet to go. Yep sir re ... massive changes taking place in these last few weeks with the few day leaving a wake in our most recent victory. The wakes have often hit me like a tsunami. Tomorrow I will start back up with my walking and exercise. The last 48 hour stint I had no time and no looking forward to a good nights sleep and back to my own routine. So much to write about but just no fuel in my tank.

    I have organised bond clean for when the time comes but need to work out how we are going to help my daughter exit her own place yet. Additionally I have to set up a house for the charity work we do this coming Saturday. One man job for the furniture with box trailer. No Truck. Now that's manual labor!!! LOL In-joke.

    House inceptions hopefully this week some time.
    "...the cost of sanity in this society is a certain level of alienation" ~ Terrance McKenna → https://pondermovedhere.blogspot.com/

 

 

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