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  1. #11
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    Woke up at 4:30am - Going for a walk/jog walk/jog now.
    http://mymeds.atwebpages.com/

  2. #12
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    I'm at a loss for words really. It's always in a few more months "that will be over ..." It's true enough that in about a month from now I can write more open about the shit going on in my life. I have not even begun to express just how chaotic life has been. This is the longest ever in my life I have been pegged down. Generally I am good at bouncing back re my episodic cycles. The psychiatrist still has one or two more visits to make it a thorough report. Complications already mentioned re another family member I beleive is going to be taken into the whole family history ... yadda yadda. It's the way it should be really. Sadly the privy laws of today segregate vital information that could otherwise give a much clearer insight into system instability/illness. I mean it's hard enough with basic GPs getting it all wrong due to privy BS ... extending all the way down to authorities keeping family members apart/at bay in order to heard them easier - again - yadda yadda. ZZZzzzzzzz hopefully I sleep well tonight ZZZZzzzzz. This psychiatrist seems to agree and appears to be genuine when making attempts to do a propper job. As well as sincere in seemingly not in agreement with how things be. The local Mental Health putting too much pressure on kids with blood tests and all that - yet on the other side of the coin - deception reigns on both sides of the fence. It's mainly the way in which front line people push their policies onto sufferers/victims as in treat them more like criminals and exploit more so than actually assist. In this I totally get it why so many people want out of this life. Right now though ... being so close to home and struggling myself from day to day and to many enforces standing over our shoulders with this and that pending ... well - fuck it all ... My wife and I need to prep for the worst on all side ... yadda yadda ... just another month ... need to hold out.

    Another two laptops being donated to our cause. Doing well with all that.

    OK ... ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

    Night night.

  3. #13
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    I do not survive and from my perspective I can see that many others in society do not. No one survives suicide or when others in the family kill themselves like so.

    Time for me to go (makes sounds like a devil) - and inflict some pain on myself in order that I forget my pain.

    I'm talking exercise of course.
    ________________________

    Note to self - DON'T FUCKING LEAVE YOUR THREAD! STAY THE FUCK OUT OF OTHERS. You no longer have the capacity and nor the will for ongoing BS. Just keep your head down at write in your own spirit and leave others be. You like the way you do with avoiding people on the street - yous should too - do the same in here. What the fuck were you thinking?

    Fuck living and fuck surviving.


    Instead just let the shit happen and do your best to be. The pain comes and the pain goes - what will be will be. If you want to suffer - then just do nothing - Life will surely induce all the pain you can ... and can't take.

    I choose to grin and whilst lately its more my demonic self - fuck it feels better out than in. If I choose to do nothing ??????? - why would I choose to do nothing ????? No one really chooses to do nothing as do nothing is a choice and thus if making a choice is still doing something? It's making a choice whilst no doubt in that act blaming. So in doing nothing one can be making choices whilst typically blaming ... usually others.

    Fuck the world I am going to lay in bed all day? Yea that is how it works ... then on with a self destructive fucking woes me it's everyone else's fault. Fuck it - I take all my pills and kill myself? Yea - no one survives that ... even if they live. Every day is a waking hell whilst we all go on dismissing each other. We are experts at dismissing others. Most people do it today under some BS nicety and so called level of intelligence. A world for of fucking trolls who say one thing but mean another. Best to just let them do what they do so well.

    Best stay under my rock for some time yet.

    Although feels for others who understands where I am coming from and cares about not being understood.
    _______________________


    I am still yelling at fuckers who can't keep their dogs on a leash. Just yesterday morning I was spitting out my bottle of water at an approaching dog. I later just about doubled over in laughter watching it take a dump on the very spot I left when vacating the sports oval like I usually do at the sight of another human been. I leave it's master to carry on picking up shit. Such is everyone's life. The world is full of trolls.

    I smile to think how I have zero tolerance for such fuckers. Currently I embrace my demonic side in order to come out the other side so BS Zen Guru with adverts at the ready with a skype account awaiting a long list of clients in order that I manifest abundance and money. hahahahahahahahahaaaaaa

    Fucking idiots.

    Time for me to go hurt myself than meditate.
    _____________________

    No I am not threatening to kill myself and then blame you. I love myself too much for that. I don't blame others as I know this world is nothing but a prison ... but I admit I hate the essence that exist in others whilst doing my best to ensure I don't come back. If I am to one day achieve some deep down inner acceptance that I can find a blissful state of nothingness - then I must embrace the demons in others. Sigh ... yes I do beleive that is true.

    Like how I hold that "Fuck what others think" attitude. Like I can still have it, but have to be careful how I hold it so it that the negativity in others does not set my own off. Learn the art of controlling emotion which is why I am back to dumping now as I do.

    This is why we all need our own threads.

    Lesson learned today ... stay the fuck out of other peoples space. Time to cut connections in that regard. As was how I affirmed yet fuckers just can't let others be well alone.

    Sniffs out the BS once again. If this rings a bell for you ... then best to leave well alone.
    ______________________________

    Go hurt yourself Dave ... you know what you have to do. Fuck surviving and fuck living.

    Oh but wait ... Be kind to yourself - pop a pill and do nothing.

    Which is it? laughs out loud.
    _______________________________________

    Smiles - You know what to do. Sigh ... Just go do it. Next time ... don't let yourself go. Need to write up on how to suffer like a pro.

    Again - Fuck surviving and fuck living. Just do what you know how to do ... and learn to enjoy doing that well.
    _________________________

    Was that worth it? Yes it was? Delete it? Nar fuck that - You can handle that truth no matter if you know you don't know it and you absolutely know that your done with what others think.

    You have your space and I will have mind.

    Let them have their space and I will have mine. Done deal.
    http://mymeds.atwebpages.com/

  4. #14
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    I am cutting my face book connections now ... so no offence. No need to PM me either. Just leave me be in here while it lasts. I think is best this way. Nothing lasts. We all die and die many times and keep repeating the same shit. I do not beleive the same as others do - I want to move on and that's not going to happen while I keep connections even with my loved ones. In fact that is the shit that kills me everyday. I have to find it ... Gandhi talks about it ... can't remember where I read it.

    Anyways - no offense. I still BS myself in here ... but I think it is time to cut connections and see where that leads. I need to move on. I do beleive I can still do it from under this rock and actually continue to write about it.

    It's a big decision - but I good one I feel. It will feel like a bitch to be sure ... on both sides ... but I am done with those attachments.

    I sever those connections now.
    http://mymeds.atwebpages.com/

  5. #15
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    Laughs whilst reading this later in the day. That's a good boy D. Keep pushing those implants out.
    http://mymeds.atwebpages.com/

  6. #16
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    Super tired - which is good being early in the evening as it is. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz Less sun today but enough - ended eating more - but also was a lot more active today. End of story - chapter 2 tomorrow.
    http://mymeds.atwebpages.com/

  7. #17
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    Jesus Christ! I am sore as fuck! Laughs out loud because in some sadistic way I know it's for the best and that It's not going to work for me unless I do it all again. hehe. I wonder what I will be doing today down at the holistic healing centre. It was actually her that last told me to keep on check on how I would be feeling after she was pulling implants out of me. The latter her words, but ones I pretty much understand. Implants being likened to programs that are embedded every hour of every day into all of us on this wonderfully fast expanding cement rock; called Earth. It really has been a battle to plant my feet in terms of grounding and find myself without others impeding on my space. It's good to be writing like so once again, regardless of the need to break connections.

    I feel like I have blown off enough steam - yet I intend to keep traveling like a piston powered engine cruising while the going is good. I'll sit with my own inertia soon enough.

    I got contacted by a well known poplar group administrate that wanted my wife and I to meet them so they know what makes us tick. His words. Not the best worded invitation which kind of has an air or pious tone to it. Yet one could see it as a compliment with others wanting our new Goodwill Computers venture to grow beyond what it is. Currently that is the more positive stuff going on in my wife's and I life right now. But given my labels as defined the experts (Autism - Social Phobia - PTSD with Chronic bla bla bla & now adult ADHD) it was easy for my wife just cite a few of those whilst respectfully declining on that grounds that we do not want to overwhelm ourselves and are happy with the amount of good that's already come and is coming about. I know they mean well - but it's always the same with us humans ... always trying to be more than we already are. I am glad my wife stopped me from meeting up like so ... for others to probe us and find out how it is that we tick. I am still bemused at such an invitation. The more I thought about that wording, the more I did not want to go. Point is ... that little venture with giving away refurbished computers is doing well. At least I am helping a lot of people with regards to that. Mostly disabled people like both my wife and myself.

    Disabled ... Hmmmmm ? Not a word many would like to attribute to anxiety conditions, yet it's not the anxiety but the level of dysfunction that comes about. We all have our own ways to cope and view such limited ability. I much prefer to take those words and redefine them but more so in terms of also understand how doing so is just as limiting. Re - To define is to confine; but we humans are all insanely compulsive when it comes the need for control.

    OK - I am ready to gently warm up my body and then stretch out all my knots. To be sure that's going to take a few more days of pain ... possible the next week whilst gently driving those pistons at they must.

    I wish I could have html control of these forum posts. That would help to slow me down some.

    OK ... I got a lot to do today. Going to help cleaner as well. Inspection tomorrow ... but we will be ready.

    Looking forward to talking about suicide and how mental illness oozes through not only families but also our communities. There is the conspiracy approach, but I can just as good tie it all into more accepted main stream dogma. I enjoy talking about such things ... but right now still removing much of the daily programs that make there way though.


    Stay strong ... but also is OK to stay weak. The latter not preferable, but sometimes have to let it be in order to breath and regain strength. They cycles are perfectly natural in my book. I get it ... I just don't have the capacity all the time to take peoples BS. Alas - I do care despite saying I don't

    Adios ... until next post.
    http://mymeds.atwebpages.com/

  8. #18
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    Speechless

    Opening Notes:


    For The Permanently Affected & Rejected – How To Suffer Less in Our Decaying World.

    A spiritual perspective from a permanently affected and rejected individual attempting to make sense in a senseless world. Trying to find heart in a heartless society.

    A no BS perspective on Soul Reclamation that does not air to novelty new age linguistics. Exposing the evil that masquerades as love and light. More over, a deep personal soul searching journey that unveils the deception of our most inner worlds. The discovery of how it is that we are unconscious prisoners to a system that thrives on the certification of victim hood status to keep us as eternal slaves.

    Revealing the truth between conspiracy insight and conspiracy crap. Learning how drama sells and why we lap it up.

    All of this and much more, but delivered in a context that aims to help hard core permanently affected and rejected individuals. To be certified insane in a so called normal world. For the nutcases whose words fall on deaf ears. For those of us, who in the end are left senseless and speechless. How is it that we reach such states and most notably, how and why it is ... that our primary goal is to suffer less.

    (The pros & cons of the comfort context and a lot more on all aspects of suffering)


    More to follow soon ...
    Last edited by Ponder; 11-12-2019 at 03:29 PM.
    http://mymeds.atwebpages.com/

  9. #19
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    Just messing about with finding topics to write about. Fact is that I am not currently in a good head space to flesh it out. I see that is no reason that I should not try. I'm back to learning HTML and CSS from scratch. Hence the toying with topics. I need to splash in more hope amidst all that. It does seem like a hopeless situation, but then sometimes we are at are best when all is lost.

    Perhaps I should write more from the angle of why I struggle with so many terms otherwise used to paint hope. Not from a perspective of saying how it is or telling others what to do. To write with confidence whilst allowing lack thereof. Allowance in terms of accepting without giving up - letting go - to surrender without losing in a world bent on winning. Yea ... that sounds less painful to be sure. Certainly room to grow aiming in that direction. BUT - how to sum all that up in a title that allows for said growth? Hmmmm
    http://mymeds.atwebpages.com/

  10. #20
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    No need to wait for the final hearing - The shit has hit the fan and now we are cornered into having to step in. Not a decision wanted to make. In that light I can start to write about the shit that people don't want to tell. For me, it's always a case of better out than in. I truly feel sorry for my daughter despite all the ammunition being drummed up against her. This collection of information to tear her down has nothing to do with the best interest of her child, but more to do with the ego's of everyone involved. That there sums up the essence pertaining to the term justice when regarding this failing system; that so many winners are quick to defend.

    Nothing to keep back any longer ... but to be sure a story to be told. If you don't like it or feel it takes up to much space, then take your own advice with sticking to your own posts. You can be sure we will never be speaking (or I responding) to you ever again.
    http://mymeds.atwebpages.com/

 

 

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