______
The night time is addictive. Silent. Tranquil. You and yourself.
Then comes morning.. When all of the bastards in the world wake up and create noise.
___________________
_____
_
The top being a comment that rings so true, despite my efforts to sound oh so humble during those times I have heart. Of course that has not been an ambition of late. Irony in how I find all aspects of such toxic words to be just that, but yet I still use them subconsciously. That is to say I have no care for the word ambition as I do success. On the contrary, I am right beside my daughter with her latest self destructive quest. I only wish I could be by her side; that she would let others in. She too no doubt understands the above comment that rings so true.
Well - not sure what to say really. I'm thankful that my parents could come up with a few thousand so we could lodge an application to intervene with the latest proceedings. We have never wanted to stand in between our grandson and our daughter as we can clearly see how much a victim she has been to all sides of this oppressive system. Her 'un-diagnosed' traits (+ certified) and her own resistance to be seen as broken has made her journey hard , just as my own predispositions and my own resistance has impacted/s all those close me. This is how energy flows.
We would do well to acknowledge how an individuals dignity is beaten through the process of domestic violence and seeing one's child abused. I need not pull up the photos as it's all still very fresh in my mind. Then through the resistance, typically embodied in bitterness and depression, bad choices are made that yeild the full force of controlling systems. The later with next to no compassion, in fact it too, typically follows on with it's own form abuse. This often referred to as victimizing the victim. We humans are all ego when it comes to such traits. In fact that process defines the competitive nature of our society and our existence. I guess I am trying to come up with examples that prepare me for the upcoming scrutiny by the powers that be. No doubt the lawyers of the 'other' victim will be looking to discredit and dismiss. Of course being not a criminal case (although criminal acts have been investigate and found re the father, mother and child) - the act of cross-examination whilst behind a veil of professionalism, will still be an act of tearing breaking people down.
How will I prepare myself for that? I guess knowledge in this case is a good thing with some work on myself in between. They will have the background on me. In fact they will have some very recent reports that were done by numerous mental health professionals regarding my current labels. This is a good thing really, as all those reports spawn from compliance, my own choice to utilize services intended for support and stability. In this I know well how the game is played ... and YES ... in this world our existence is but just a game. Back to the definition of winners and losers. Sad to say.
Additional costs will be between 10 to 20 thousand dollars with little change of legal aid (subsidy) We do not have enough and not do my parents. Unfortunately my wife's parents just disowned her with claims that our daughter destroyed their family. That's another story. On that note, I don't know how my wife does it. Her condition whilst it taxes her very much - well - she is the definition of resilience. Without her we would all truly be *&^%ed! Thankfully we have defended ourselves more than just a few times. If it so happens we get no legal aid, we will tackle this latest drama with the same determination we have in the past. For all my distrust of the system and so called professionals, my wife seems to like my daughters solicitor. She seems to be understanding and talks to my wife more like a human being than any dealings in our past with said lawyers. It was my daughters solicitor who line us up with another. Although not encouraged, they will be working together. The updated report of the Independent Child Lawyer also seems to favor us at this stage pending a new hearing.
If I were not to write a book and complete this post so I can get in my much needed morning exercise - It would go something like this:
The latest plan is to take in our grandson full time, look for a bigger house where our daughter has agreed to move in. That way there will be four certified disabled people supporting each other whilst a court case goes on in the background wondering what decisions to make. The grandfather being certified with mild autism, adult adhd and a host of other PTSD related symptoms deemed permanent, the grandson with autism level 2, the child's mother and our daughter certified with borderline personality disorder (variant of PTSD) with major depressive disorder + ongoing diagnosis - AND then my wife with primary progressive multiple sclerosis. My wife has been told by another lawyer that they would step in and take the case regardless of us not having enough money and or whether we get legal aid. I'm told this is because our situation is becoming a land mark case. If so - this is not the first land mark case I have been involved in.
Is hard for me to keep focus now. I know that through all this dysfunction that I met my wife when I was 22. I am 50 now. My son told me the other day that he is proud of both myself and my wife for having stuck it out. My wife/ his mum, being recently disowned is what brought that comment on. I think how that comment reflect much of the resilience we do have for each other and how it is that we once again gravitate back to a single point under the one house - that is if the authorities allow our daughter to move in. If they don't - it's going to be very hard for me to take the stand. How could you keep someone out in the cold when they are most vulnerable? I try not to think on that - but will deal with that when and if the time comes.
There is a lot of good that has come out of my affected family - but right now I have to prepare for the picking apart that our society is well known for - it will never accept it's part in our dysfunction, but instead look to blame each and everyone.
I don't need to change my mind set on that - Just the way I think and accept it is all. It is what it is - My wife and I + all our kids can see that for what it is. The choices we make thereafter are but the ones we have to live with. That bit of info only seen from my own perspective and quite painful when seeing others who care less for such insight. Still plenty of choices to make though. I focus on that.
Admittedly I am struggling ... but have plenty of support in place and doing what I must. I will be ready for the wolves. New inspiration to lose weight and fit into yet another suit.
Slow process - but I am getting there with my fitness. Both physically and mentally ... despite what you may read in here.
This place is but just another one of my tools. One in which I let out what I must, so that I can face the bitter irony of our so called - imperfect world.