Time is a good healer, but it can also contribute to digging yourself into deeper holes in your mind. I've lived with anxiety now for 7 years. There has been peaks and troughs. Throughout this experience has been a lot of physical aches and pains - a stressed mind leads to a stressed body. In the early years these pains and symptoms were pretty much 24/7. Nothing can really prepare you for experiencing daily aches and pains - except for all that stress that led up to it I suppose. Advice fell on deaf ears for a long time. Whether it was on here, or from Dr's or test results etc. - I had convinced myself that there was something gravely wrong with me and refused to accept that anxiety could be the cause. Why resist such simplicity? It seems baffling that it took me years to realise a rather simple premise - a pain brought on by stress will be exacerbated by reacting to it with more stress. A vicious cycle of fight or flight chemicals and severely tense muscles leading to years of terror and intense discomfort.
I've gone through prolonged periods of little to no discomfort when I've fully integrated the mindset that these pains are "just anxiety". Simply letting it be and accepting it can diffuse the situation if it's a mindset you choose to take long term. Maintaining a calm demeanour can be challenging in of itself, especially when people with anxiety tend to be adept at overthinking. Looking back on experiences and progress I can say that I have managed to improve dramatically. Going to the shops or driving from home used to provoke panic attacks, as did going anywhere unknown. There's very little fear in going to new places these days. The times I do experience symptoms in public, I resolve to not let them deter me from what I need to do at that moment in time. Calling it quits due to symptoms or fear only empowers it further. Exposure to what conjures most fear is a good way to eventually negate it.
Unfortunately nxiety wasn't the first burden that I subjected myself to. It's a hard pill to swallow, but it has to be said that anxiety and depression are self imposed to a large degree. Thankfully, the road to improvement is also down to yourself as well. For me it took many years of waking up after numerous nights that I'd convinced myself would be my last before I began to see the pattern. It was "just anxiety" and it was improved when I was focused on other things other than my anxiety. It fed off my negativity and my attention that I bestowed upon it. I'd convinced myself it was a foreign invader that had robbed me of my former, happier self. In reality - it was a part of me. A part that I'd given into and empowered beyond it's use.
Much like a destructive duo of villains in a movie, I've found depression and anxiety make a rather dynamic, if self-distructive partnership. Often I find when one lessens, the other increases and takes hold with rather ruthless efficiency. Whilst anxiety has been with me for over 7 years, depression has been with me for much longer.
Depression: damning, spiteful, damaging and self destructive.
It won't be long before it's our 20th anniversary. A depressing thought in of itself. An experience that has spanned my teenage years, my 20's and into my early 30's. Slowly eroding enjoyment from so many past times and leaving my body tired and constantly aching. Seems hard to believe I don't know better at this point. "Practice makes perfect" as they say; and I'm rather good at this nowadays.
Whilst it needn't have - negativity and fear took a foothold when I was told by parents and teachers alike that I shouldn't bother studying art or following it as a viable career option. Opinions that felt difficult to believe and incorporate into my life. Irregardless of the rebelious and stubborn teenage mindset, I believed these people had my best interests at heart.
There are countless memories, friends and experiences that wouldn't have been possible if I hadn't worked in the jobs I have. At the same time, I feel like we wouldn't be living for the weekend or from one pay day to the next if what we spent the weekdays pursuing something we had a real passion for. Seemingly a trivial ideal - but imagine how much we could achieve if we followed where we really wanted to be in our lives. Whilst I don't care to be in an office job, I do care for the job I am in at the time. Have pride in what you do and confidence to do it well.
I know where I want to be, and what needs to be done in order to get there. Sometimes it all feels a little too obvious in my head - but highly uncomfortable in practice. Introspection is a hobby that can act as a deterant. Whilst actions speak louder than words, I find they happen in short and intense bursts. Maintaining concentration is problematic without passion behind it. My interest is usually on or off; all or nothing. Life is about balance and I'm cashing out early through excess.
Things are moving slowly towards where I want it to be and patience has never been a strong suit. Waiting for over a decade to sell my artwork was an impractically long time. Hearing people say they wanted to buy my art and holding that money in my hand was one of the happiest moments in my life. Whilst this is only the beginning, it feels like this is really doable.
My imagination has always been my best friend and my worst enemy.
For years I'd seen recommendations of Dr Claire Weekes' book to help with anxiety disorders and depression and yet I only bought it last weekend.
This book, whilst short - hits the nail on the head numerous times.
Ed
Welcome to the Anxiety Forum - A Home for Those with Anxiety, Fear, or Panic Attacks.
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