Hello. I just thought I could vent as I feel like I cannot talk to anyone, not even my best friend, about what I am going through.

My therapy appointment was last Thursday and I left it extremely overwhelmed which later transformed into immense emptiness. I'm so defeated. I've been in therapy for 2 years now and I don't see any results. It's not my therapist's fault, though. I pushed her away for 2 years, refusing to open up or go into detail about my childhood traumas because I was so afraid. This year, though, I began to open up more.

Anyway, lately it's been really bad. I've been so empty and listless, unmotivated about everything which is bad as I go back to uni in a few days. I never feel like being around people. And if I am around people, I always have the urge to leave and be alone. Usually, I'm so excited to get away in order to be alone. When my friends propose a plan, I accept - not because I actually wanted to. I force myself to see my friends because I'm terrified of them forgetting about me and leaving me. But really, all I want is to stay in my bed and do absolutely nothing productive. I genuinely just want to isolate, which is what I have been doing. I haven't been speaking to any of my friends as much and if I do, it's usually short, dry replies. I'm constantly forcing myself to see my friends, helping them, doing them favors, changing my beliefs and ideas so that they are in line with theirs just so they have a reason to stay and not leave me. Every time my friend asks me to accompany him somewhere, I say yes even though what I really want to do is stay seated because I'm so tired. But I say yes to anything because I fear abandonment.

I'm exhausted from existing. I don't want to exist because everything seems pointless. The scary thing is, sometimes I don't think I exist. Reality doesn't seem real. Sometimes, I'll look in the mirror and I'll see a face, a body, and features but they'd be so foreign to me. I can't recognize the person I see in the mirror. I have this idea that this is not who I really am - that I'm actually different. I'll look at my skin or my hands and go, "Are these really mine?" I'll look at my friends or family members and find myself stunned by their existence because something keeps telling me they're not supposed to be there or I'm not supposed to know them. I just don't feel whole - or right - in this body. I feel as though my identity is fragmented and I don't even know who I am. It's fucking terrifying. These bouts of confusion happen suddenly sometimes. I'll look at my surroundings and not recognize them entirely, I guess. It's scary.

While I can't seem to recognize myself sometimes, I have an image of myself - and it's not a good one. I believe I'm a terrible person - a horrible, vile, disgusting human being who is undeserving of love. Everyone calls me sweet and nice but I only show people what I want them to see. I want them to know me as a sweet, nice person, but is that really who I am? I have so much anger within me it disgusts me. I'm extremely moody and irritable. I can control my anger and irritability around my friends because I have learned to internalize it in such situations as I value what people think of me. But around family, I can't seem to hide that anger. It does not manifest itself in violent outbursts. Instead, I snap at people, telling them to leave me alone or I'll fight them. And I'm disgusted with myself. Disgusted by my anger - by my emotions and behavior. I am not who my friends think I am and I think that contributes to my conflict about my identity. I believe I'm a bad person who deserves to die because of the way I feel and think. I'm so moody, it's crazy. My mood and thoughts shift from one thing to another so suddenly, it's actually terrifying. I'll be so happy one minute but empty the next. I'll be so loving towards someone one minute but I'll be fighting them in my head the next. It disgusts me. Everyone is like an enemy to me in my head - they all have bad intentions. If I am triggered by something so trivial, I'll find myself fighting that person that triggered me in my head. But sometimes I'm not triggered and I'm fighting someone in my head, like my best friend who has done nothing. My therapists pinpointed in our last session that she noticed my sudden shifts in mood because during the session, I kept alternating between feeling/being happy and chirpy to empty/emotional. That fucking terrified me.

I just feel like I'm an extremely fake and bad person for having these sudden shifts and for fighting my friends in my head. I feel so horrible. So, so horrible. I can't stand myself.