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  1. #51
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    the phone appointments are waste of time , you are right, I do not like it,
    ''“If you cry because the sun has gone out of your life, your tears will prevent you from seeing the stars.”
    ''
    ― Rabindranath Tagore

  2. #52
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    Don't have the energy to even create a new thread; though I probably should.

    I'm not doing well at all - both physically and mentally.

    The last time I spoke to my therapist, she said, if I can't (somehow) turn this around I'll need to be hospitalized again.

    I'm really getting very worried now. Reality is starting to blur and sometimes I lose track of time span (sorry can't explain better) large blackouts and grey outs. Memory problems, difficulty distinguishing reality and dreams - both nightmares and day dreams. Sleeping is rough. Getting to sleep and staying asleep. Flashback city!!! Wake up sometimes in drenched in total complete sweat. Trouble eating and keeping food down.

    I'm losing it and things aren't headed in a good way. I've been here before and this time.. I'm can't blame booze (I'm totally sober) or the time or year (holiday stress) its feels like another psychotic break. Seeing and feeling shit again. Audio and visual disturbances. Can't explain. Somewhere Between manic and deep depression and panic most days. Huge Paranoia. Don't feel safe outside. Can't explain. Sorry. Massive pounding headaches starting when I wake up. Sometimes when I get up everything feels weird and surreal. Speaking problems to people (stuttering). Walking stumble in public. Literally hearing shit again and seeing shit that I know its happening. Feeling bad energy from people. Music in jumbled.

    I know I don't make sense.

    Never-mind!

    I truly don't know what to do. Medication isn't working anymore (even the Haloperidol stopped working) meditation (which usually works) even can't ground me or bring me back to here-and-now. Totally lost in my mind of static and noise. I gotta say, though, the thoughts of drinking myself to oblivion hit me hard at times. I won't. If I did, I WOULD NOT STOP!!

    I really shouldn't even be posting. Just need to get shit out, I guess. There isn't anything anybody can do/say anyway really. I just hope somehow it will pass if I can manage to get better sleep.

    Bad!

  3. #53
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    Reading Sal ...

  4. #54
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    Hard core Sal. This helps me lift my own head up and feel for you instead of myself. That said I wish I could give you something that helps.

    Your making more sense to me than you might currently know. I know you have answers as other times have helped many in the forum with many insights.

    Yea dude, the medication can only do so much. That said I can’t say what to do re that kettle of fish. But as far as writing goes … do and say whatever helps!

    * How’s your routine? You trying to stay up all day hoping to sleep during the night?
    * Outdoor exposure?

    I leave that at that as I am sure you get the drift – sometimes that shit also don’t help

    Weather the storm Bro – Best I can say.

    Keep writing – are you seeing any therapists? I had an appointment today. Understand if your not in a position or just not wanting that either.

    Just thinking of ideas – How about good old Netflix. God knows my therapist refers to it often. I use YouTube but that can make people go more insane.

    Hmmmmmmm

    I’m hearing and reading ya. Just know that.

    Glad your writing about it at any rate.

  5. #55
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    Thank you, Ponder!

    Well.. as far as my routine, I've been failing a bit in that department. I do get in the shower every day, but haven't gotten my hair cut since early January. Given up shaving so I look like Grizzly Adams; I look like I feel inside; completely drained. I've actually been struggling for a bit now just keeping it quiet. I don't know what brought this out again, but I recognize it. Somewhere along the way over the last month I got lost within my own mind and stuck, I don't know how to put it?! Things were starting to go a bit off the rail around September. Sleep was (still is) erratic. I managed to get out and see the kids in costumes on Halloween (Favorite Holiday) but I was not quite there, sad to say.

    I do get outside every day, because if I don't, the agoraphobia gets a grip on me that is quite difficult to break - been there and done that - and it was pure hell. I don't go out for long though and these days I keep to myself and rarely engage other people anymore because people are unapproachable and filled with anger and personal conflict. I don't get a good feelings from people and I feel the world has gone completely nuts. Been struggling with even making eye contact, I can feel animal mentality in people. I usually look away and that also makes me appear as a target but doing just that very thing, i feel that way anyway and I'm usually well in touch with my 'gut feeling(s)' when out in public and trust my instinct. See what I mean???!!! Like Social phobia on steroids for me now. Some people make my skin crawl on some days. So hard to explain, when I'm vulnerable, people pick up on it because my body language gives it away without me even saying a word. I don't know. I'm not satisfied with how I blurted everything out but that is best as I can do given my state of mind.

    However I force myself to walk even to the bench down the hill. Today was the first day I was able to meditate and bring down the commotion and noise. At times, things were quiet in my head and I could feel the breeze and sun and sounds (birds, cars, falling leaves). Didn't last long though and back to being bombarded with intrusive thoughts/thought patterns and worry.

    Yeah, I hope to just weather the storm and keep myself out of the hospital. I don't do well in those situations. Just more and more bills that I can't pay. I Just hope it will work itself out if I stay in touch and go easy on myself and forgive myself. What else to do, really.

    Yes I do have a good therapist now finally that actually listens. She gets me and also listens to what I don't say that also gives away.

    Netflix has been a life saver for me and youtube. Struggling with music. The other day I was hearing Elvis jumbled up and that wasn't at all what I was listing to. Oh well, could be worse, I suppose. Now I can laugh a bit at it. My mind in a circus.

    Thanks again, Ponder, for your concern - Means a lot as I don't feel comfortable on any other forum currently besides AF, so I just stay here now.

    PS - I've already edited this over and over again and changed it and considered not even bothering at all because I feel all over the place, but I'll just hit "Post" and let it go raw. OK there goes it and logging off for today.
    Last edited by salvator here; 11-09-2020 at 06:21 PM.

  6. #56
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    Really glad you have someone that will listen. I talk most of the time when my therapist and I meet up. It’s good – for me I think I need to practice letting them talk. : )

    Yep yep Laugh at the insanity man. You got it. Cry scream but make sure to laugh it all as well.

    Thanks for explaining your position with the social phobia. I think we all have good reason to be scared and that we should not see the fear as abnormal. Society and people in it today really are fragmented. I am trying to focus on the good but at the same time reality is reality and no matter what brush I use to paint or even imo no matter what others distractions that people come up with – that we should also ackoedgle that dysfunction for what it is. We can fall into the trap of becoming blinkered. Like you can avoid the news by switching it off and avoiding all other forms of negative conditioning … but the one thing you can’t avoid when you go out is the obvious side effects in others out on the street or in the malls. For that – like I said, when I am doing the bare essentials, I just throw on my disguise and pretend to be hopeful. Think like when forcing yourself to go for a walk.

    I’ve been practicing without support. Still scares me but I pick my times, play ambient music that I like or listen to podcast. Me going deaf makes it hard at the checkouts but I am learning how to deal with it by planning ahead. It can be draining trying to be upbeat when so many people are down. I try to understand others though. Must be hard to be a check out person these days. Planning each trip and prepping for the phycology and how to deal with difficult people can help. Let’s not forget how our own minds tend to keep us from seeing those few who would otherwise brighten our day. They are out there – we just need to practice finding them and making connections when they count. Very hard when we ourselves are down. For the rest – just pretend your busy on your phone or even call someone and have a chat. If no one to call – use a pod cast that might interest you of simply keep you distracted from ‘feeding back’ to all the negativity that is there. Sometimes those people just need a smile too. Best not make it coy though. Lol

    Yea Sal – I am concerned just as I am sure others in the gang here are too. I’ve done my dash with a few of the crowed here – but it’s all about getting back up and moving on. I can see that is a quality you have proven in here before with your writings and so on. That said – I really appreciate it when you write about the struggles you have to face as well.

    This one has helped me re my own fears when around other people. Thanks Sal. I hope some of what I have also said resonate as well.

    At any rate I hope this finds you feeling a little better.

    Raw is good – awesome post! More of us need to hear it like it is.

    Sorry for long response. Late one for me. I'm off to bed.
    Last edited by Ponder; 11-10-2020 at 05:10 AM.

  7. #57
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    Yeah, me to! Same here, though.. when I get her on the phone, I can't seem to STFU or barely let her get a word in She always says just go ahead when I accidentally cut her off and lets me rattle about the same shit over and over again. I just have so much to get out, I guess, so much pent up, I guess. I don't know, I wish I was the type that spoke my mind instead of keeping it bottled up inside. She says I'm very deep because I analyze everything with great insight.. almost 48 years in this shell, I know myself quite well. I've been called a lot of things, but, shallow; far from it!

    I'm getting better at laughing and accepting my mental illness. I do take it hard at first, but then after I can just chalk it up to the wiring of my brain I'm unique and I wouldn't change that, other than the things that cause me pain and anguish. I won't change for this world or other people, just for the better of myself.

    Other than my therapist and med provider, I also have no other support IRL - Just me; myself; and I in the god forsaken world. Oh well, that is what I created for myself (solitude), and honestly, I prefer my own company and wouldn't be a good friend in this condition to anybody, anyway. There is nothing wrong with silence and peace and quiet. Sitting here writing here with the TV playing nonsense lightly behind me is just fine with me - I love it like this - no kidding!

    Quote Originally Posted by Ponder View Post
    I just throw on my disguise and pretend to be hopeful. Think like when forcing yourself to go for a walk.
    I'll try to remember this when on my walks. I did get out today and pushed through the crap. I won't give in and let it get me easily.

    Thanks again, Ponder, for your heartfelt reply, means a lot to me. When I write, if even 1 thing I say helps somebody else, I feel it was worth it. Honestly, I was going to delete it today, but your reply made me decide to leave it be. No.. today was not really better, but I feel a bit more at ease for some reason this evening. Even though it was a beautiful day outside, everything was just completely a fucked up mess inside. Just pushed through it to get to the other side, I guess. [-EDIT-]I struggled all day trying to beat away the noise and commotion with little success. Being around other people today was somewhat hurtful and a chore for some very personal reasons that I'd prefer to keep to myself. I understand the reasons and they are what they are and a this point in life, I don't think I can change these parts of myself and I shouldn't have to. Regrettably, I'm easily 'read' (body language). Nobody can tell me different, and here is where I even lose my therapist at times. Call me crazy or whatever, but, People 'sense' things and 'feel' things (I know I do) and I can't escape this. Its happened too many times to be coincidence. So My choice it to hide away for the rest of my limited time on earth, or just be myself without apology. Yes, its a hard call sometimes, but I don't deserve to be hidden because I appear unwell in the eyes of other. I deserve just as much right to be here and thrive as those (so called) "Normal" people.[-EDIT-]

    PS - Ponder, I didn't know you were going deaf?! I hope you don't lose hearing totally. Wishing you well with that.

    Maybe I'll write more, but might just let this thread be. I should really start a new thread as this one is getting a bit long in the tooth.

    Take care and thanks for reading everyone. OK Final edit just had to get a little more out there between the edits.

    ~Sal
    Last edited by salvator here; 11-10-2020 at 06:42 PM.

  8. #58
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    Yea - I'm only doing the things outside in public that is only essential. I've been doing it that way well before CV. Just like all things, best not to over do things.

    Do you have a backyard re outdoor exposure? Like for those times your not walking? As for walking I do it solitude mostly and like it that way.

    I'll reply a little more in my other thread when I get time. Just wanted to touch base real quick was and see how ya dong atm.

    When I first joined here back in 2013 I had no assistance. I am hearing ya with regards to that. I've been big on self help and despite being fortunate enough to have support now, nothing changes. Those support don't work unless I help myself. It's like the medication concept. It's more like a bandaid assist. It's useful, but only does part of the work. If you don't get involved with the GPs and really be aware of how the meds are impacting on both the good and bad - make continual assessment, well then like all supports - complacency sets in on both sides of the fence. With my social support (support workers) I am often feeding back on what is working and what is not. They have to do reports themselves on just that in order to warrant the service. With or without them, the only time I generally do well is always when I am putting in the hard yards myself.

    Yard Yards? Yea ... it's like that for those of us that have to laugh at our instability. But we don't always have to see ourselves as ill. Language is everything. Whilst the term Mental Illness has merit in some context, in others the term itself can be quite negative. Unstable in a world 100% unstable is normal. The latter sounds much more positive for folk like us. At least in terms of 'working towards.' The key to that is also not having to succeed. Success can be good, but generally the term is misrepresented. I really hope your therapist in not overly pushing with goal setting but more into guidance at the clients own pace with a healthy focus on self acceptance.

    Scratch that - I remember just reading how you were saying above that your making ground with acceptance. Just like most other things it's not instant, but a huge step with working towards. The work is only like so when were struggling - I try to avoid the highs because I know what's coming thereafter.

    Keep growing the beard I say. Take slow steps and all that.

    I don't know. We just do the best we can with what we have. Is not a competition like the rest of the world makes it out to be. That's where even the term work is overdone. How about instead of working towards, we just change that to moving forward. Where one road ends another begins!
    _________________________________________________
    _________
    _
    Perhaps we can be like the old guy at the end of this advert who is standing away from the crowd - yet appears happy with his walking stick wishing those well whom are fit and fortunate enough to be carelessly roaming around in what he no longer needs. Definitely a better way to view the world when taking it a day at a time. One step after the other without much ado.



    Soz if that comes across as cheesy. Must be getting desperate using a consumeristic add to make a point. Think Small! Did you see that sign being held up in the add. lol - Not a Lemon! hehe.

    Later Man. Please tell me you still got your Beard?
    Last edited by Ponder; 11-10-2020 at 11:18 PM.

  9. #59
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ponder View Post
    But we don't always have to see ourselves as ill. Language is everything. Whilst the term Mental Illness has merit in some context, in others the term itself can be quite negative. Unstable in a world 100% unstable is normal. The latter sounds much more positive for folk like us.
    Sorry to only quote this part for now, I read every single word you wrote above this morning and was thinking about it all day, as well as what you wrote in your thread. Yeah.. took it easy on myself today as I was a bit fragile and struggled with even the little bit I did today which wasn't much at all.

    I really like looking at it this way! Yeah.. Shockingly, I don't view myself as "abnormal", because I don't desire to be so-called "Normal". People aren't normal (I don't feel, anyway) just struggling to fit/blend in with the mass. I get it though, nothing wrong with that if that makes a person feel comfortable. Whatever floats your boa and works. I get it, persona thing. But For me, its not genuine and I am honest and genuine and not a carbon copy. I don't know.. still just wanna be me (unique, odd, or whatever), don't wanna change what makes me ME.. I don't hate myself at all.. I don't know.. Just wish I was better at disguise.

    I could go on-and-on but better to leave it alone and as you said, focus on the positive and what I can work on to better myself and accept what I'm dealing with. Will take your advice and create a new thread, because, as you said, I want to end this cycle and create a new one.

    I'll try to write more another time when I'm in a better frame of mind and address everything properly, I will!

    I keep wanting to just close the page but you don't deserve to left hanging after everything you doing to help me.

    Ok that is as good as its gonna get I'm afraid tonight no matter how many times I edit this. Sure am ready for bed I will say that much.

    Take care and tomorrow's another day that's if for sure. What tomorrow will bring, who knows......Icarumba. HA!

    "I'll be back" - The Terminator
    Last edited by salvator here; 11-11-2020 at 09:23 PM.

  10. #60
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    While you slept I launched a thousand tactical nukes so we don't have to worry anymore about all those triggers. Elon Musk has a rocket ready to pick us up so the fall out is a non issue - then we'll nuke our location once we are in orbit and off to Mars we go.

    I don't mind if you want to close the page Sal. I only hope you start a new one. At any rate ... do whatever is best for you. I support you either way. I'm happy if you just pop in mine from time to time or whatever way you want to play it. Hope you slept well.

 

 

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