Should you tell your therapist "everything" ?

[salvator here]

Thank you Dave, means a lot to know you care.

Trying to remember that its raining hard but the sun will shine again if I hold on and don't let go (because at times i think it would be too easy to do just that - let go)

We deserve a chance and I hope you will also hold strong. Even if I had all the support groups in place, I'd still be going it alone because of trust issues I have. AT times it lets up enough to enjoy something small like my music and even I sing again. Doesn't sound good as I used to be a tenor and hit the high C (even D on a good day), but trying harmony again with singers I enjoy.

I've been away for a little while so I'll read your thread to catch up with where you are because I do care about you.

Hold on an never give up.

[salvator here]

Actually, I did decide to tell my therapist more last visit. Maybe it was a relief to get some of it off my chest but he was no help. He means well and says he does care which is all good and well I suppose. They don't (fully) comprehend that I find myself in crisis every day especially as they day progresses to the point that I envision myself no longer here. I know this is just a feeling though and its runs deep these days. I'm not sure why but 2019 hasn't started off too well for me and things haven't come together for me. Like still in pieces. So hard to explain. I don't fit any mold and there simply is no "textbook jargon" that applies to my situation. Doctors are clueless. He said he fully expected me to wind up drinking again and was happy to know I didn't. Trouble is I can see now just how far back this stems and how deep but I didn't have much insight then for myself. Last year part of my personality went away and its still missing, I guess is the only way to explain it. But some things needed to be shed I guess.

I know that makes little sense

Oh well..

No reply needed and I'll reach out for help here if things get rough.

Thank you for your support and care; it means more than you'll ever realize.

PS ~ Sorry for mistakes but I'm not in a good frame of mind as I write at the moment.

[Ponder]

Glad your back Sal.

[Dahila]

Sal I know you are struggling. I am sending my love and good vibes, I have no idea if it helps you but I am here if you need to have someone just to listen.
It is good to see you Sal and P.

I do not think we need more people that three or 4

[salvator here]

Thank you Ponder and Dahila, I'll reach out to you.

Today was alright. Nothing happened.

[Dahila]

Ask D how to reach me Sal

[salvator here]

Had a heart-to-heart with my therapist and he decided I am in crisis and something needs to be done, because I'm failing on my own. I try to pretend I'm ok but the signs are there. I'm now on more meds so everyday I feel like a lifeless zombie cadaver and it takes all day to recover. Anything to avoid a hospitalization right now it worth it.

[salvator here]

Exposure Therapy - Yeah right.

I've been exposed to "life" for 46 years isn't that enough proof It doesn't work for me?!

[salvator here]

From the outside looking inward by others, it would seem there is nothing wrong here. I'm not sure if people assume that because I'm not yelling in a fit of rage or falling on the ground from anxiety or crying from depression - that I'm fine - because I am not at all. I'm not functioning by any stretch of the imagination. It would see that I'm fortunate that I don't have many demands put upon me and I only have to to worry about myself, and while for that it would seems I'm fortunate, but whom would chose to be deemed incapable of handling/dealing with normal aspects of a functioning life.

This has been a unusually long cycle and it worries me that I didn't have the small breaks in between, only hopelessness and despair. I hope something changes quickly because physically I'm deteriorating as well as mentally. Nothing makes sense and I fell only bitterness and regret. Most days I go from sadness, to regret, to heart pounding gut burning rage, back to sad and hopeless and suicidal. Its not letting up for even a second for me to get up on 2 feet.

I realize posting this isn't very helpful and there isn't anything somebody can say (that hasn't already been said) to change thing. I wish medication was the general fix for me that it appears to be for others I've run in to because I've seen it really turn people around and all I feel is just utter numb.

[salvator here]

Please forgive me Ponder and Dahila for not reaching out to you both as I said I would personally. I've been too far down and to be honest, a basket case and I would be a handful to deal with in this frame of mind. But I meant to say I appreciate the good vibes you sent.