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  1. #31
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    Sal I mean if you need some talk I will be available, not pressure at all
    ''“If you cry because the sun has gone out of your life, your tears will prevent you from seeing the stars.”
    ''
    ― Rabindranath Tagore

  2. #32
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    I am here Sal. I have been unable to sleep and just now only read your despair. That's hard core stuff. It's brutal but honest. I need to get out of bed, make a cuppa and read that again.

  3. #33
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    Sorry to hear about the increase in meds and their apparent lack of positive effect when it comes to dealing with the issues your talking about. It's true that meds can only do so much. Just because your not in hospital does not mean your not in pain, or just because you've been dosed, does not mean you suffer any less. I would however hope there is some essence of relief that might of been enable through the taking of your meds that perhaps allowed you to write so powerfully as you have. At the end of the day, you can take credit for that.

    Sal ... You have never ever been a handful and nor shall I ever see you as such. Your like family to me. I am sorry I missed your posts on the 8th just a few days ago, Friday my time last week. I just checked and saw the only post I made that day was asking after you in my thread. Clearly I got side tracked after that as it was a couple of days before I posted again.


    Exposure Therapy? In what context did your therapist bring that up? I don't beleive in exposing myself to things I don't want to be exposed. I personally struggle with this when it comes to others making those choices for us. It should always be our choice and our control. Or so I am told. I understand if you don't wish to elaborate. Sometimes it can be beneficial to get back on the bike after we have fallen off, but only if our desire to get from point A to B is greater than the obstacles in between. Too much pressure to conform in a direction we don't want to be is only serves to create suffering where otherwise there would be none. In this way ... it is generally outside influences that make us sick ... or in many of our cases; keeps us down. In this please take solace in knowing it's not your fault. That said, we would do well to avoid finger pointing ourselves ... but do better to mearly observe and feel what must be felt. The latter now raises question as to how meds can impede the act of truly acknowledging these facts ... yet at other times it can also allow the much needed space in which to process. Perhaps in this you will soon be able to reduce the dose once you past the void ... or so to speak.

    I'm not meaning to be right or wrong sal ... just clutching at straws myself with no other intention but to help. I hit enter and think more about what you are saying whilst sipping some on my hot cup.

  4. #34
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    Yea - Re the yelling, raging and crying ... People do tend to look for the drama when judging others. The same can be said for this air of expectation society has when it comes to responsibility. Just yet another buck to pass the way I see it. Your right Sal - life is hard enough just dealing with our own shit. Being responsible is one thing, but this world's normal is all about shifting blame and shame to suit the so called 'progress ideology.' Having to endure the ongoing and all to often disregarded negative impact of such thriving and striving only to be then implicated on an individual level ... Well ... there is the exposure for you. Pfffft. I guess what I am saying is I understand there is no escape from such regardless of one's status and so called responsibilities.

    The part about the long cycle is troublesome and concerning Sal. Is it OK for me to say I am also seeing less and less of a break in between. This new support I have is hounded by much of the ideals I have alluded to and makes me question just how supportive it is - Or - even though I have support I still too struggle with the nature of long term instability and the permanency of that impact. Regardless of one's reality and unsavory characteristics of humanity. In this we do have a responsibility to ourselves, but given how that term has been molested by the standards of so called normality ... it's OK to feel disconnected as in at least wishing not to be a part of such insanity. It's not OK to feel suicidal though. In this we would to well to reach out; like your doing. I like the no BS way in which you typically do it. It's OK to be angry but we ought to watch out for the lingering trap of bitterness. That's the part the deteriorates us, brakes us; keeps us down. The process of reaching out more be a way in which we can release what needs to come out. In this I am all for you and others like us. Often the world in which we live shuts us down and stops us from expressing in a way that we only know how in order to let the toxins out. Even many of the online places which propose to be here for us change our words and or delete our posts. In this we are lucky to have this space. So glad your letting this out. SIGH ... Grrrrrr. I hear ya Bro.

    It's moments like this that even walking is hard. I try and think on this more but post back in my thread. I also wish I could leave you with more hope. Now is the time we do better to focus on what works rather than what does not. Yet part of that process is to acknowledge the blockages first. It's OK to rage and or Cry in which case if not doing so is not working for you, then perhaps such things are what is required. However whilst there are concepts out there that would have us all seen as the same, I don't beleive for a moment we are all required to react the same. Finding similarities can help though ... especially ones that help to ease the pain. I think more guidance is the word as in the end we really are responsible for ourselves. Just finding the power that is already within is so damn hard when always having to account for being so weak. Or ... living in a world that does more to redirect us to our flaws than it does to encourage our strengths.

    You know my take on strength ... I see it more about our compassion side rather than the integrity of iron. The latter is more for the soldering on concept that plays more into a world of extroversion that seeks to forge ahead in a mindless manner where the former is all about taking the time that is needed in order to adapt to what is. I don't know man ... I feel your pain Sal. Not meaning to say I understand it or have the answers ... I would like to understand as any of us would in such a confused state of so called normality.

    I hope I have not been a handful in my wall of text.

  5. #35
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    Two quotes that might be well received. I'll take a chance : )

    Friendship needs no words - it is solitude delivered from the anguish of loneliness.
    Dag Hammarskjold


    We are not permitted to choose the frame of our destiny. But what we put into it is ours.
    Dag Hammarskjold


    _____________________________________________

    I often struggle with quotes when feeling so low. Perhaps one may reason such is because my view is distorted. I would reason that often the pain associated with seeing so deep is more because of painful truth, what is in question is how I allow myself to feel. In this I tried to avoid picking those life coaching quotes that seemingly feel more critical of the individual. Like the reason your feeling low is because your not doing enough. Reality does bite, but there is no need to make others feel they are less for not having completed some puzzle as if one has been to lazy to see the answer. FB is full of Memes like that ... so too Google images. In this I have found the above two quotes to be rather thoughtful in their choice of words.

    Both those quotes allude to the harsh realities of life yet give me hope in the knowing that eventually if I can hang on ... natural inevitability will take care of the rest. The first quote on friendship with self fits this bill well on this. The second reminds us of our power. That even when it appears we have no choice ... we can still choose how we react. But remember the 1st quote is a process that takes many years and the way in which we sit with that impacts how in the end we act.

    Hope some of that makes sense. Just my way of adding to the cliche of doing a little more than just saying Hang In There. I know you Sal ... I know you will find your way in the end by reverting to the Sal you have always been.

    We love ya either wherever your at.

    That said ... I'm still hoping your this finds you well despite all that crap. Only because many of us in here don't only want peace for ourselves but others as well.

  6. #36
    Thank you Dahila and Ponder, I've read everything over several times and thank you for that, I'm truly speechless.

    I appreciate your friendship mostly.

    I'll get through this, today was rough starting and I told my APRN and we are going to stop 1 med because the side effects are just to much to handle. However, I had some bright spot today, sunny day and I did get outside after being in the house for over a week, was nice for a change.

    Again, thank you so much for caring.
    Last edited by salvator here; 03-13-2019 at 12:25 PM.

  7. #37
    Got out today, was rough and felt really unsafe and overly paranoid but stayed out and forced it. Was a nice day, 50's and the rest of the week is upper 40's. Luckily I didn't get caught up in (become a target for) others attitudes to ruin it - it was just luck though and I can't count on that to always be the case. Other people can screw things up for me when I'm not together. I enjoyed a bubble tea and chocolate cookie. Soon enough I won't need a jacket outside and that will help with my OCD a lot.

    It's OK to be angry but we ought to watch out for the lingering trap of bitterness. That's the part the deteriorates us, brakes us; keeps us down.
    Oh I meant to say those quotes are nice. I appreciate them Ponder. I do have to watch out as you say there, because bitterness chips away at my soul. Its very hard though because I can only get so far before my limitations rob me. Its hard to explain I guess.

  8. #38
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    Glad your getting out and about Sal. I had to chip through my own anxieties with riding my push bike to the gym. My car was already in use. Glad I pushed myself through it. I might even do it again soon. Yea ... it's nice when the weather eases up. Things are colling down here a little.

    Glad you liked the quotes.

    Here's to the weather continuing in a good direction on both sides of the planet.

  9. #39
    Been a while since I've updated this thread. Can't see starting a new one I guess, very low energy lately.

    I've still not opened up totally about every single facet of my life especially things I consider my own personal business - some things I will take to my grave - but I've come a long way and built a better relationship with him I think. I will say though.. he knows that I don't like being hospitalized and is trying to do what he can to avoid this, along with my med provider. I don't like being on this much medication but for now, I guess it is what it is and its better than the alternative I guess. Still sleeping has been poor and those night that are rough will result in a rough days for me where I feel less able to cope with everything I am dealing with.

    I've still been hiding inside too much when the weather has been great, but just because its bright and sunny outside doesn't always coincide with whats going on inside. Haven't been in a pool or water and sometimes I get jealous when I see people playing in the pool. I also have too many phobias and I'm not confident the chlorine is being looked after well enough and I don't want to get sick as Prednisone lowers my immune system. Haven't been walking lately either and I feel weaker as a result. The summer is far from over and I hope to at least find some way to enjoy it.

    As I say, were in the middle of a beautiful summer thus far and I hope things will turn around for me unlike last year when I just went by seemingly.
    Last edited by salvator here; 07-14-2019 at 06:33 PM.

  10. #40
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    oh shoot you are on prednisone, not good, life saving med but a lot of side effects. I was on it for a few days, nightmare. You know Sal some things we will keep hidden not matter what. I think (my opinion) that's ok.
    I keep you in my thoughts wishing you well. The struggle is real but one day it will get easier
    ''“If you cry because the sun has gone out of your life, your tears will prevent you from seeing the stars.”
    ''
    ― Rabindranath Tagore

 

 

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