Time To Get Back Up Again

[Ponder]

I generally don't like to use the word retarded ... So I'll just say "What hell is the world coming to?" I think I am suffering as well because I have to admit as *&^%ed as that was, he did at times make me laugh; quite a bit actually. I can't be beleive people review fast food. I guess you can't take life seriously ... not this one anyways.

I was repulsed and laughing at the same time. What's Youtube coming to these days?

[Ponder]

I've been exuberating with a lot of HATE lately toward society and the species that make it up. It's a vile feeling where I cross roads to avoid them coming the other way. It is what it is and I really care less what others think because I feel that way. I just apologize out of habit when dealing with those in close quarters that have me an a conveyor belt running their scans. They in turn reply robotically anxious to process the next human whose typically glued to a brainwashing display out in their mass their waiting room. I say their because most people in society just accept living that way. FUCK living like that is pretty much my energy at the moment.

None the less I am interested in my own health ... therefore I will keep opening my door and take a step into the world on my own fucking terms. It really is time to get the fuck back up, but not trepidatiously so. I'be been getting out but wavering since titling this thread. Holding back the rage that's been permanently within and no doubt will continue to reside has not been healthy. I used to write about it quite effectively if only to express in ways that have me seen as "who gives two flying fucks?!?!!!" You get the point.
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NOW TO PLEDGE INTO ANOTHER ALPHA GAME ... time to bury myself deep into that digital world I said I would. I actually found two that I will give a try. Both are of the SPACE genre with a lot of hostility going on, however I may be better poised to find peace in that world compared to this shitty existence where we type bullshit to make ourselves feel good. Whilst therapy can help, there comes a time where jumping though the hoops has to stop. Like - Yea ... I am fucked, broken or whatever ... But I no longer need your system in order to accept my death. I'm done. Leave me to die ... fuck off!!! LEAVE ME ALONE!!!

Now to make that purchase and hit download.

Later on.

[Ponder]

Intense learning curve on both games. Another late night. All good.

[Dahila]

yeah I fuck everyone not problem, fuck it, Stop reading the bs they feed us . Avoid news , cause it is a bunch of lies. I hope you are better, I just got my ear infected and that's funny my doc was surprised that In my age I am not suppose to get ear infection. eh docs

[Ponder]

There are exception to my world and your are one of them. First D ... I am sorry to hear your not doing so well. Kind of makes it hard to avoid that BS when one does decide to go to doctor and then be subject to all that crap plastered on and emanating from the walls.

Is like watching Zombies feeding off the BS news. If I was only partially insane I would laugh like Robin Williams. Sadly I am beyond that ... although in the end it is said that he too had had enough! I take solace in thinking that. No doubt his view and mind are not the same, I think he and I would agree with the BS similarities. His ending says quite a bit.

Thanks for the well wishing but this morning I woke with a pain in my left ear that runs down the back left side of my throat where I find it extremely hard to eject the gunk. Mostly because when I breath in it feels like that part of my anatomy is stripped. I'm guessing you know the drill well. I will gargle softly clean warm salted water. (my extreme nature can make it worse) Keep Hydrated and all that. I know it will mostly likely not work, but I have had luck before with stopping the pain in my ear and throat infections by taking left over antibiotics that I did not take before. (a full course that I saved from before) Sometimes they are given to me when I don't really want them, but then when I want them, they don't prescribe them. Thus I will often keep them if I feel I can live without them. Mind you though ... if I did not have them, I would go cold turkey with as much pain as I could before subjecting myself to the system. Once again I understand such pills do jack for viruses. I have been lucky though.

Fuck it. Without a doubt the sickness we see and the insanity that reigns only leaves us predispose to becoming sick. It can also be seen as the bodies way of telling us we need a reset. All that family court BS is still going on, so too the *&^% compensation with victims holding up the process because they want MORE! ... Meanwhile I just want it all to end. (I too was feeling that way - but I don't the seesaw effect ... I really do just want that to end ) But there is some good news D - the fathers lies and his risk assessment done by others have greatly favored protecting the little one as much as the system will allow. Whilst I know from personal experience how much BS is in that ... is better than what it could of been. Small mercies can still be seen as grace. Just because I can still see glimmers of hope, does not mean for one minute that I want to be associated with this planet and the pathetic species living on it.

Lisa went out the other day doing her volunteer thing, for a man to sign an advance health directive whilst he lay dying in his bed. Long story short, he like me did not want to be taken to a hospital. Just wanted to be left to die in his bed. That really made my day when Lisa came home from the court to inform me of that. Apparently his wife came in to make the request and then Lisa later did a house call. The guy was in his 70s and had something terminal so I could understand well his choice in not wanting his last days to be in such a toxic place. Remember how I said recently when I was in the emergency room some other old guy who was actually admitted somehow walked out of the hospital and came back in through the front EM intake sections and requested to be put in a room without all the pinging, banging, clanging, coughing, spewing, doctors and nurses projecting loudly in their patronizing voices. Not me saying that ... the old fella said just as much. They responded in a an atypical patronizing way and psychically urged/pushed him into a wheelchair that he absolutely wanted nothing to do with. From there the look on that old man's face was like seeing my grandson distraught knowing his spirit was about to be further broken with societies compulsory and forceful enforcing of yielding to it's institutions. FUCK SOCIETY!!!

Those doing well are just selfish cunts. They come up with all kinds of excuses not to see the true cost. They do well because they buy into all their things and think the more they have the more secure they are. Those who do not have enough ... well ... that's just entirely all their fault because they could not suck up the fact that we live in a shitty world and did not try hard enough to stand on someone else's back. Yet they will claim they did it all themselves. I don't give two fucks about their so called things ... the truth of this fucked up prison planet is what makes me sick. When I manage to do well through my therapy sessions, it is because I ascribe to spiritual concepts and theories that she or none of the therapists truly respect. As much as I want to be supportive of their role in a society gone to shit, I really am just jumping through hoops. Once my NEW (another required hoop) diagnosis eventually is done, I think I will put of the therapy sessions. I have been doing them since 2012 regularly every year. Once again ... I am careful not to hate as much on those dealing with me ... because this really is more about RANTING and I do utilize methods that are slowly surfacing in mainstream. I think they know medication can not be the only answer. I am speaking with respect to Mental Illness (although the same can be said in many cases re toxic lifestyles) ... but for all my attempt to find similarities with who the fuck ever ...

... man I got to say there are a HUGE amount of selfish bitter people out there and those that are not are 100% clinically depressed regardless of the meds.

Yep sir re ... I am certainly in the FTW phase.
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Now back to that ray of light.

THANK YOU for popping in and also commenting when I have been feeling so depressed and bitter. It helps. I hope we both soon bounce back into whatever routine that best suits us.

The mini-tramp has been helping ... very easy to gently move on it or bounce just a little. I can really say it does help to clean my lymph and make me feel better.

Adios ... Take Care.
I still care.

[Dahila]

Hi D. I feel slightly better the pain is not so sharp, I kind of believe that hot compresses on my ear helps a lot. My hearing improved today. I just think , maybe he is right, He asked me to come back if it does not help and he will give me more. He does like to prescribe antibiotics, but if I lose more hearing I will be devastated, In worst case scenario I call at 9 in the morning and get the appointment in hour or two. he is very good with that. I can see him as often as I like (I do not ) and never wait, It helps not waiting in waiting room, You know how people make me sick .
Everything you go through makes depression sadness worse. It is so difficult to see suffering and not to be able relieve it ,eh life
I had not energy to post, but I want you to know that you are not alone, never alone

[Ponder]

Very pleased to hear your feeling better. It's good to hear hey. I pretty much use subs full time with netflix and also at times with YouTube. I am also glad to hear you have a doctor good with times. I do hope it went well.

I miss Sal. I hope he is OK? I feel he will one day post when he is able. It's not all bad in my thread ... I do have my moments. hehe - Even if only I can understand them.

Lisa gave me endome out of pitty. lol We ran out of headache pills and for the life of me ... lately when I get the flu like symptoms, my head throbs like a mule kicking it more and more.

I smile D - to think of how much a softy I am when I get sick. My brother was the same. RIP Bro. Yet I chuckled today as I walked into our little kitchen like a cripple moaning and wimping as I remembered my brothers expression he use to do with puppy dog eyes asking me to make chicken soup and or get this and that. I will say our mum used to nurse us very lovingly regardless of whatever family drama followed. I think I might text her with a hug.

I don't know how much longer this forum will go for, but it really does make my day to see the odd souls reach out on it as happens from time to time. Your a Gem D - You have never changed, not that we all stay the same. Just saying is all. At least we few have each other regardless of whatever view.

I hope you continue to feel better by the time this reaches you.

Any one else reading, if you get the gist then it is also with warmest regards I send what thoughts I can. Those last few posts really needed to come out.

I wish we all could get along.

[salvator here]

Hi Ponder and Dahila..

Thanks for thinking of me D, means a lot. Been rough here honestly and some days I manage to get outside, but some days are very bad still.

Its ok that your thread is honest, sometimes (most times) I actually feel pretty much the same about society. It's ok, I'm pretty far removed anyway and I keep to myself these days. I must protect myself since relying on others to do so is fruitless. Maybe things will change someday but I Doubt it though. I take loner to a whole new level really now. Some days I speak to nobody whatsoever to tell you the truth. I guess I'm ok with that.

Thanks again and hope you find your stability given your own set of circumstances.

Take care D and D and I'm sorry its been so long, I just haven't had much to contribute in this current shape, but I never forget you both and wish you the best. I do.

[Ponder]

Sal, I am just so gladdened that you popped in. Thank you ever so much. Having visitors is still on the menu for me, although totally get the solitude aspect to enduring as we do. Solitude being that term that makes it OK. I like you you gelling with that. I really need to come to terms with my own space. It's actually good when being in that state. You know I will be here as long as the forum is going. This is the spot we solitude types can have our meet and greet.

I'd really like to post about perfect weather and golden sunrises ... just not much of that about atm.

Wishing you all the best.

Don't mind my next post. I made it separate because I did not want to ruin the appreciated for you popping by when I had only just asked after you.

Actually ... I delete my sorry sad post and just be thankful you popped in.

Please do pop by and fill us in with even the most mundane of routine events that goes into daily living. It all counts man.

[Ponder]

I just need to watch my eating and keep hydrated today. Not much else matters. Well it does, but I'm done stressing about it.