What's going on D. Sometimes it helps to talk about it. You don't have to get into specifics. You know my story pretty much never changes yet you still seem to stand by me. Let us do the same with you. What BS is happening on your side of the rock? Is it the damn itching still?
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Itching, diseases, people , people pissed me off yesterday, One asshole came taking my time asking trying everything, and then I see she is trying to get info from me how to do it, what to do it , about the process, finally I ended the conversation sending her to see the labels, and read it, Oh she pissed me off. Why the hell people think somebody is going to give them info which took years to acquire?
''“If you cry because the sun has gone out of your life, your tears will prevent you from seeing the stars.”
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― Rabindranath Tagore
I take it your not ready for a Tony Robinson Speech on 'How To Improve Your Life.'
Because they are either smart asses or just plain stupid.
Sorry to read you're struggling now Dahila, hope you can catch a break sooner than later.
Thanks Ponder, I did read your reply, I think I'm doing the right thing, instinct hopefully is right here. I don't like how bad my social phobia has gotten, maybe someday it will change, I doubt it though, Many circumstances would have to be different and without that changing, this is my life. I refuse to change for other people anymore or to fit in. Not that its so bad this way, its more I've not accepted things about myself that keep me in this state of back and forth. Life was MUCH different back 11 years ago when everything unceremoniously fell apart.
Sorry for that ramble, feeling incoherent lately.
Thinking of you both.
Not at all Sal. Well said from where I am sitting.
Sal the first responsibility of yours is to take care of yourself, Be selfish you are the most important figure in your life, accept who you are, Easy to say tough to do, Is it the case?
What others think of you it is their choice, What you think of you is your choice,
BTW Ponder and I , we love you and accept you the way you are.
We will support you emotionallywe do
''“If you cry because the sun has gone out of your life, your tears will prevent you from seeing the stars.”
''
― Rabindranath Tagore
EDITED FOR EASIER READING AND MORE POIGNANT: (Disclaimer - grammar still sux but worth the read. I promise)
This new program I am on Sal ... faces me with double binds. (What's new in life?) This program (NDIS) from the Government's point of view is sold of to the public as one that 'Integrates' the disabled into society', yet I am told in private it is all about 'Choice and Control.' The initial sales pitch would seem to indicate that participants on the program must meet some kind of standard with 'Fitting In' which raises all kinds of conflicts for me yet provides opinionated hard liners looking on with a sense of satisfaction in knowing those receiving such benefits are being 'forced to meet outcomes.'
Only those who have been repeatedly on the losing end of society will understand the debilitating impact of the latter part of above paragraph. I write this now in the context of my own battle with Social Phobia combined with our current culture selling off the need to conform. Whilst our paths may be different I think there are many similarities. I love using adverts to highlight how it is that we are constantly made to feel small, whilst at that same time presenting us with their only option to be 'More.' The appeal of whatever option (designed with obsolescence in mind) matters less than the fact that they have just left us in 'need' of wanting more. This 'induced desire' often refereed to as 'fire' by eastern philosophies is alluded to more in a negative light compared to say the thirst for living. Instead of waking up in the morning appreciative for the fresh air we breathe and for our bodies, we instantly give thought to those things we are led to beleive make us 'More.' More often than not, as a result of our self destructive ways, instead of breathing of fresh air, we instead struggle to breath and instead of being thankful for our bodies - we are now reliant on health care professionals for all our so called 'Needs.'
I'm not sure I am making a point to those caught up in the illusion of thriving and striving. Yet another market along side pharmaceuticals; The 'Well Being Crowed.' Life coaching being spawn from the latter with elements of transformation spiritual awakenings whilst romantic and appealing can in the case for those genuinely struggling with long term clinical mental health conditions send them over the edge. Depersonalization being a very common term now used and in more extreme cases like my deceased brother, and others friends → Culturally Induced Schizophrenia and or a number of other fancy borderline paranoia terms. Let's not forget to add all those conspiracy theories in as well. Not to say those concepts are all Cons. : ) -
What's this got to do with Social Phobia? I think more in terms of Derealization, Isolation, Disconnection, where taking the first term used to label people which does more to exempt society by blaming the individual (although sickness results and what I term as byproduct - YET the disability in need of addressing), and where the following terms are no more the symptoms of client - more resulted from perceived provider analysis. That is to say resulting stigma more damaging than previous experiences. We also take it on ourselves as no more than creatures of habit as has been perpetually conditioned into us.
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The hardest part in all this with my own musings / ponderings is breaking free from my own mental masturbation / analysis. The more I desire to know and the more I give into to said sales techniques, the more I go insane! As explained above. Those not awake - typically having given in to the 24/7 preconditioning mask their symptoms with all kinds of blissful consumer products. LOL - Tis a cycle we all go through. I laugh because I am just as much a part of it and not meaning to preach as if I am a disciple of Raw Food, Yoga, Tony Robins and all that otherwise healthy shit. lol ... I use the latter term like you used selfish D.
I JUST LIKE TO POINT OUT THE IRONY OF IT ALL. My plan on NDIS / The Current Mental Health Program 'as I deem it' ... has fuck all to do with so called integration. If it really is about choice and control, my progression to societies expectation is far removed from those hard liners looking on. My reintegration is about as social as me sitting under a tree feeling free with bugger all people in sight! Were I can finally be content with 3 parts fresh air to 1,000,000 parts smog. The ability to sense what's left in this toxic world and use it to find a healthy desire for simplistic living is all I want. Nothing pisses off hard liners and bitter people more than seeing people content to live off Nothing! Not that I aim to live like so solely to pissing others off. However it can be a motivator in some sick and twisted way. lol More to the point, this dissatisfaction and drive to make those less suffer more only adds to the problem, however how we react is truly where it is at.
D summed that up well. It's just for someone as sensitive and fucked up as me, I require giving things much more thought. I am still making sense of the program I am on as in one way I am dancing to the tune of others, and in other ways I have opportunities to live the simple life i want. The insanity is more to do within my ramble above and in many ways I see it similar of others. Just as people with the same labels suffer in different ways, I see us all predispositioned to life in many of the same ways. This being the essence of systemic issues and societies residual pain. Again in this I see us as all similar ... the rich, the poor and those wanabes in between. Not that any of us want to be seen.
I do know when I am not as sick or prone to the fire of desire, that I can find the good among all the shit. It's a fine art to be sure. Takes a desire that can't be manufactured or dare I say manifested! Such terms are as consumerist and as toxic as Fukushima!
Last edited by Ponder; 03-04-2019 at 03:03 PM.
Both daughters now living back at home + grandson moved in as well. Mum needs support as she starts a new course of medication to give her an assist. Like me she is resistant to the idea of pharmaceuticals and very sensitive to side affects., however in this case I am urging her to take the lessor of forms of suffering. At least this way when speaking in the future regarding meds, she like me can then speak from personal experience as it relates for her own perspective. Until then, the health care providers will not respect her wishes and even then, it's a tough job remaining medication free it you don't take the time to acknowledge one's own limitations and work on other fronts.
I just spent half the day revamping my room to accommodate both her and her son. It's going to be tough ... as think of the Simpsons ... but 'more' dysfunctional. Narrrr - My wife and I are keen for her to give the meds a chance to work. It's crazy how some single parents are prescribed heavy drugs then sent home without support. My daughter did have to option for admission in a ward but was required to wait a couple of days at the base hospital which she decided she could not endure. I don't blame her. It has worked out good as I have been trying to offer her space here with us just for the purpose of helping her go through the initial sickness period when first trying out this or that med. This way we can look after the little one and keep encouraging her along the way. The isolation at her house is also pretty rough. It's not just about being alone, but no doubt how she suffers in silence with the clinical nature of her current state which up till not has not been addressed in any formal way.
I have tried often to support her from the approach of med free, however doing so is clearly not working for her at this stage. I hope she is able to give the meds a try as either way ... like for me, she will be better informed and have more options in the future when it comes to being fed up with being unstable.
For me ... well ... I am luck I got support and that we are able to help. It bares in mind though that I must keep myself in check ... do things to help myself.
All in all ... things seems to be looking up. I think its going to take at least a week maybe two before she starts not to feel all giddy and sick. She is taking abilify with some other antidepressant which I am not going to google the shit out of. I know the former as have had friends and met acquaintances on it. It's pointless to read into the experiences of others which is why I am trying to support my daughter so she can at least know for herself. A honeymoon period is better than no stress free time at all. I am all too well away of how the meds wane when no other efforts are made ... but that's a period to address later on, if at all. Here's to the chemical assist providing some much needed space in which a better outlook might present healthier ways of living. Regardless of whether she decided to stay on them or not, it's a journey I think she needs to take. Like my friends - I will support whatever works.
I try not to fear her quitting in the initial process as has been the habit in the past.
OK - I have earned some Gaming Time.
ZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz Huge Day. Time to crash. Full house once again. ZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz Unfortunately my daughter is not happy about the meds. I say unforutnatley because I want her to give them a fair go. I fear she will give them up before giving them a chance. I'm encouraging her to dial it back to half the dose before quitting to see if that helps with the sick feeling. See what happens tomorrow. So far she has done two days on the prescribed dose. The sensitivity is in our genes so understand where she is coming from. I too had to dial back the dose before giving up and thankfully back then it worked for me where I was able to keep going. ZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz right now though ... my routine seems to be enough. ZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzz
Last edited by Ponder; 03-05-2019 at 03:42 AM.
So far so good. Moved more gear from daughters house and establishing new routines. Early days yet ... anything could happen. Talk of making it more permanent from our daughters perspective, however like I say, I think we don't want to read too much into that for at least another 2 to 4 weeks. If things are settling down and we are all still sane after that ... then yea ... might consider a dual live in house. Have to time it with the leases. Once our daughters lease is up in only a few months, we might start looking as our lease will have only couple more months after that but like I say still early days. Given we pretty much drive clear across town and always baby sitting and dual house would actually save a lot of time and fuel money. Just a matter if we can live that close together. Have done it before ... so I am optimistic. Just not so keen on the extra dishes. lol
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What else is happening ... hmmmmmmmmmm. My sister finds out today if she can get her son his dream PC. I'm holding out he scores big time. I have had fun researching parts for that ... learning what's what as that kind of tech is always changing.
Went to the gym and not feeling as sore as I previously was. Holding out I can continue on the treadmill. Have not started back into the body resistance as the two weeks the doc told me, not do weights is not over yet.
Had a run in with a young girl on the phone to do with confirming an psych appointment. Had to drive over to the office with support person to explain interrupting me and raising one's voice is not a good idea to do with me. I explained we had the call on speaker phone where then my support worker validated some of my points and in the end we finally established talking like a robot simply would not compute for humans like myself. Once they realized why I was seeing a psych my point regarding the way in which I was dealt with was satisfactory enough. UNTIL the next obnoxious patronizing receptionist.
I can't wait till those assessments are done and I no longer have to deal with the convey belt mentality. In fact we are going to start paying for private sessions to avoid such treatment. Thankfully most of the sessions are done.
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Hmmmm ... a few other thins but mostly working on my fitness goals. My food choices have slipped once again but no huge drama as I am still mindful enough.
The full house happens from time to time and when it does I often push myself to get out which is not a bad thing.
That's a wrap for now ...
Adios until next post.
Last edited by Ponder; 03-05-2019 at 11:43 PM.
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