Time To Get Back Up Again

[Dahila]

Be safe and rest Ponder. I have doc appointment at 1:20 today not bad
After dock app; he took the smear to send to lab, got more anitibiotic and Prednisone , which scares me, but my allergie is not improving rather the opposite, I got new cream much stronger and 15 min after putting it on , the itching is just tiny almost gone.
Prednisone once saved my life so maybe it will help now too, It is dangerous cause it causes high blood pressure and high blood glucose, It is only for 5 days , I keep my fingers crossed that it helps

[Ponder]

I hope your feeling better D - ? I'm still kicking ...

[salvator here]

Good to know and hope you both are managing with everything. Me.. just depersonalizing badly lately and things don't make much sense I guess. Just getting up every day to a mystery or unknown. Some days it improves, other not so much. But still kicking as well best as can be, trying to envision a light at the end of the tunnel.

Take care

[Ponder]

I keep remembering how you once said ... or something to the effect - how you can see so many people being depressed and unhappy. Forgive me if I read that wrong.

I just wanted to say it's not hard to see. Also adding to that ... that does not mean we are more messed up or something wrong with us when we can see many people so clearly distressed. I guess what I am saying is that I see it too Sal. It's hard to digest but it's true. Just because we too, are struggling does not make that observation any less valid. Have you even noticed when trying to reveal such observations how others are quick to say it's more our own issue? As in when we observe such things and attempt to share it with others close to us? Typically many will respond with "I don't see it like that?" ... and they probably don't. This is not to imply that they are wrong or defective. Just saying is all.

I am trying to understand how people are suffering from their points of view. I caught a bus for the first time in decades the other day and MAN - I mean like WOE - the fucking noise was insane man! I laugh insanely now as I think about how fucking ridiculously loud the diesel engine was. I will write the story in a minute ... but I really think that not only is the world shrinking but many its really fucking loud!!! I don't blame people for feeling overwhelmed.

[Ponder]

OK - I make this my Goodnight Post.

My Panic Attack On The Bus.
So it's another day with my support worker. In need one these days because I am becoming more dysfunctional as the world grows smaller. So any ways ... one of my goals is to catch a bus. I have a car, but my wife is always using it to do everything for my daughter and grandson. I'm standing at the bus stop with no idea how the timetable works or what the process is for paying - but I am keen enough having the support of my paid friend. Here comes the bus.

I throw my hand out to wave it down like I used to 20+ years ago. Not sure if your suppose to do that when clearly standing at a bus stop. The bus pulls up short of where I was standing. No Probs. We walk up to it and board the Bus. After sitting down and the bus takes off, I slowly count my change. I had used a 10 dollar note and you know how it's all rush rush. Turns out the bus driver short changed me and if that was not enough to piss me off, once he started accelerating I was like thinking "HOLLY FUCK!!! - were buses this loud back in the day when I used to catch them? Seriously, I just got short changed by the driver (my support worker was charged less although going to the same destination) and then whilst still dealing with the fucking loud noise of the engine, I picked up on a fucking intrusive radio station that was barely distinguishable through the roar of the engine. You know how I hate fucking TVs always being projected onto the public in every waiting room. It was really too much for me ... all in one go.

I'm like having to raise my voice just to talk to my paid friend ... I'm like this is too much. Just got short change, the engine noise and that fucking static that makes no sense ... I says to my support person - Sorry but I am getting off as soon as the bus stops! I can't fucking deal with this. Before getting off the bus I confront the driver, get my proper change and tell him this stop is good enough. Thank you and goodbye!

Once off the bus my fucking ears were ringing and I'm quite flustered and taken back as just how incapacitated I became in such a short time on that bus. I later researched and found out that in Australia the axle height for town buses is to low to install sound dampening as is commonly used in other countries. It makes sense now when I see most kids traveling to school on larger buses (coaches) because there is no fucking way I would send my kids on a low axle bus and expose them to long periods of excessive noise constantly day in and day out going to and from school.

My point is ... despite my own sensitivities ... the world is too fucking loud. It's just expected that we all put up with it ... and sad thing is many people are dead to it ... they become used to living like so despite the negative effects that slowly accumulate.

ANYWAYS - I get back home and after my support work is gone, my wife Lisa comes up with the idea of purchasing Active Noise Cancellation Ear buds. So I research it to discover that many people today are actually using large headphones to cancel out the FUCKING LOUD NOISE of the city. I LOL because I am suffering living in the Subs ... let alone thinking of living back is a city. Anyways ... it seems like not a bad idea. Apparently many people with sensory issues are using them these days. Just took me this latest episode to find out about it is all. I decided to go with the best ear phone / bud ANC Active Noise Cancellations Buds I could find. I am also getting a set of ear buds that muffle sound even more.
________________________________

The two sets do different things. The ANC buds allow me to play music softly whilst lowering loud noises yet allow me to also hear people of they approach and talk to me (this I am yet to test) - The ear plugs are for when I just want to shut the world out completely so that it sounds more like white noise. I am hoping to get by more with the ACN buds because they will require less jamming in.

here is a YouTube video that explains the use of the ACN Buds quite well:

Bose Quiet Comfort 20



Perhaps boring for those not interested, but what sold it for me is I also have been skeptical about ACN (not having really tried it) but I really need to tackle this issue of living in such a loud world. I already have hearing issues but the hearing aids I have only make things worse. They do the opposite of noise canceling and only to make the loud shit sound even louder. Busy shopping malls are just plain toxic to me. Most public places in fact. Once again ... most people just don't understand how residual the effect is over time.

Problems may include crackling over time, however i found a solution that is simply a user maintenance chore. Others say there is a slight hiss when ACN mode in on but not listening to music ... if so It wont take long for me to pick up on that. How I respond to it ... Hmmmm ... small price to pay ... I might even find a solution to fix it or I'll just play some white noise agreeable to me. Fact is with ACN I will no longer have to turn my vibes all the way up to to hear them. I will be able to listen to things in peace.

I don't know ... they are not cheap ... but the scheme I am on are willing to pay for them. at this stage I figure I am ready to try anything.

That's my story for the night. Going to gym tomoroow although starting form scratch and looking forward to when my gym membership is over. lol It will be the last contract I make for quite some time.

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

[salvator here]

I keep remembering how you once said ... or something to the effect - how you can see so many people being depressed and unhappy. Forgive me if I read that wrong.

I just wanted to say it's not hard to see. Also adding to that ... that does not mean we are more messed up or something wrong with us when we can see many people so clearly distressed. I guess what I am saying is that I see it too Sal.

Well at least I can say its helpful to my own psyche to notice that about other people I come across so as to not blame myself (an automatic reaction for me). Not so distant past I would internalize everything and wonder what I did to cause/deserve peoples reactions, even without due cause most of the time I would take on others moods/feelings as a personal flaw of my own. Now, however , (and I'm not sure its better) I read people and become more negative and develop bitter view(s) towards people in general now. I think, mostly, the people I run across are likely toxic people, and I must have little contact with them to protect myself even if that means becoming almost totally a loner and reclusive (which I am currently).

Hope that made sense, I don't feel I put that right really. Maybe my brain is foggy now.

[Ponder]

It's been said we are creatures of habit. Sounds about right to me. I mean regarding that automatic reaction you admit to. Kudos for the acknowledgement. It sounds hopeful as you shift from internalizing to becoming more reflective when considering others peoples demeanor. Even if after reflecting you still wind up bitter towards others. I totally struggle with the same thing myself. I'm betting it's a common fault in the majority of the unhappy population. It's that pattern of long term depressive responses and thought processes that are hard to break. Your breakdown and conclusion of recluse speaks volumes on how isolation plagues our current culture.

What to do? How to break the cycle of despair?

Recently there was a post on confidence in the forum via a presentation linked to YouTube. Minus the extroverted life coaching motivational woo woo context, I think there is merit to building confidence in order that we may not attract negative responses from others. I think the key to the latter is more about how we respond to the environment in terms of projection and reflection. Forgive me Sal as now I am using woo woo words. I've been thinking about this ever since you mentioned it some weeks ago. True. Whilst out walking, I'm like in my head thinking ... "Sal hit the nail on the head with how I am seeing people as well - I too am struggling with seeing just how sad, frustrated and disjointed people all over the place look ..."

I did ponder about how I might be attracting it due to my own deep bouts of depression and dissatisfaction ... having to endure the world - This context I mention now being more about the psychological concepts that abound with projection and reflection. BUT - whilst I understand all too well how negativity attracts negativity, when one is even able to detach from thoughts, feelings and emotion whilst observing, that even in such a detached state, so powerful is the realization of just how depressed and out of sync people really are in this world - it's just so damn hard not to get drawn back into all those states of thinking, feeling and emotional responses ... tick tick tick and so on.

But at least we can take solace that when in that observational state, it is not our persona that is attracting such reality ... it's just the world in which we live. So to it is with having to watch my grandson, all my other loved ones and friends struggle with much the same thing.

If your still able to follow me on this (it matters not if I am not fully understood - but if your getting my tone ... that's good enough) - I shared a key to breaking free of the whole negative and positive spin cycle in a presentation done by Gregg Braden. 'How to Stop Negative Thoughts and Feelings' I'm still processing and learning myself. His take on the whole cycle of suffering is that our experiences are not negative or positive until we start judging it and placing some importance on it. It's so rad to think about that when you consider just how opinionated we are. I will do that now by saying despite the opening claims of that presentation stating that it's always been this way for thousands of years, that when you factor in today's information technology and 24/7 global social media conceptions that thrive on judging ... well ... need I say more to the state of people today. Ding Ding.

Alas ... the message in that video still applies all the same. So it is that I aim to build confidence but in a different way that's commonly sold. I much prefer the spiritualist approach. That said - it's just as much marketed as possy wossy motivational sales. Just got to read between the lines and work with what jives at the time. I have no qualms about my cycles ... just wishing to work on leveling them out a little is all.

Sorry I went off track man. I just think the message in that Gregg Braden talk has something in it for everyone. Especially for those of us struggling outside. I see good in technology as well in as much as we can reach out like so. Is all in the observation and given that you have enough spirit to at least reach out means that this method of communicating enables something good in me on this side of the planet. I just regret that I have not been writing as much of late.

I guess my commiseration was too much for me to handle and I needed a break. I'm looking to inspire myself again ... it's been tough of late but I am slowly making gains. I think I am back at the gym as gone a couple of times in a row and whilst I am aiming not to sign up again ... I do wish to make the most of the time left in order to regain that side of my health. I am looking forward to the weather cooling down soon. Just thinking about that gives me a boost.

Thanks for the chat Sal. You can reply if you like, but I understand if you only have enough juice just to read. I am glad there are still a few of us still here on the forum.

Think I will tune out with some online ambiance.

Peace out.

[Ponder]

5 :13am laying in bed summing up the effort to get out of bed, and go to the gym. I'm pretty sure its Sunday so it should be fairly quiet.

Had a despairing dream that left me feeling extremely isolated whilst yet searching for compassionship. It's was like seeing others striving for the same thing but not interested in hooking up.with likewise people. In the end I was walking in circles unable to find my car. Others around me had no problem loading into thier with thier families. After enough pining I woke up to consider just how far my wife and I have drifted apart. Driven like so as we each struggle to cope with what's been and what is. Generally outside pressures that's slowly over time worn us down. Illness results and then one's resolve slowly goes. Given my dream, I would do well to ponder on what direction I should take.

Righto ... for now I know I must get up and tackle me weight problem. I'm off to the gym.

[Dahila]

I am lost, nothing goes ok, too much stress, I losing hope

[Ponder]

That sucks D. Something will give soon enough. Dare I ask how's the itching today? Maybe some solace in that?