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  1. #171
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    Finding Perspective - It used to be as easy as finding a Look Out.

    A little something to ease your pain. When looking at this, I am sure many will see and feel differently. It is just as many who are listening to the following link (where I found this image) have expressed how sad the music has left them feeling. For me I find much solace in it. There is much irony in how we are all travelling different paths and each experiencing different things, yet we are all cut from the same cloth. Sadly we spend too much time trying to prove how much different we all are only to then persecute each other just for what we claim are facts.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IZGqv4zVsAE&t=274s



    It's good to take a step back ... or even no longer participate, but simply watch. A great way in finding perspective. It used to be rather a simple act, but today we live such complicated and compulsive lives, that to find a Look Out is no easy task.

    What do I see going on here? First - the Boy and Girl are more like Brother and Sister. Such being a much less painful vision where I find less attachment plays less into preconditioned fantasy that thrives on the needing of others in order to find relief. We all come into this world alone and die alone regardless if blessed with someone holding hand.. Sure it's not so simple ... as we typically land in the hands of others when taking our first breath ... and will no doubt be put off to the side ... with others at our end. Perhaps a point only some of us older ones could understand. That said, time slows when young and caught up ... much wisdom can be found when in a period of vitality and have already suffered much. I smile as I remember well, how such fleeting moments of peace can come from moments of disconnected states of being. In this aspect of the image ... for me to sit with that yearning of boyfriend and girlfriend makes the music take on that depressive feel that many in the comments section of above link so expressed. Such preconditioned images / concepts are what separate us from others and give way to a lot of unhealthy desires ... many that do more to lead to suffering than they do peace. Such addiction/dependency is what our culture feeds and in doing is now rapidly adding to the demise of the pristine background that is now typically imaged rather than truly seen.

    Sigh ... is what it is ... and that too can be turned into an image of solace if viewed in the right way. That illusive meaning of true acceptance. So it is for me ... that I see some of us at different points on a path where perhaps we can each share a spot on that bike, looking out over the water simply observing what is; regardless of the pain. Yet in this I am very mindful of what you say.

    How about we just take that bike for a spin. I wish we could all take a seat on the bike. Let's imagine it so.
    _______________________________

    Here is another good link to solace tunes:
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=09RhL4kJEAE
    Last edited by Ponder; 01-09-2019 at 03:43 PM.
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  2. #172
    Quote Originally Posted by Ponder View Post
    It's good to take a step back ... or even no longer participate, but simply watch. A great way in finding perspective. It used to be rather a simple act, but today we live such complicated and compulsive lives, that to find a Look Out is no easy task.
    I think I needed to read this today, I have to take a huge step away from the madness and just observe for a minute. No matter how many times you or anybody says or writes this, I still fall back into old the patterns trying to participate in this tug-of-war. I'm glad you reasons this out for yourself though. I guess I do too but well after its eaten me up inside, I'm afraid (like today). Maybe I've found myself too aware of what is really going on for my own good now; whereas before I was always caught off guard and left baffled.. don't know which is worse. At least then, i was always blaming other people, where now, I see myself as defective.

  3. #173
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    Hey there Sal. Your comment reminds me again of the blue pill, red pill, scenario on matrix. Waking up is just the start. The point regarding 'hard to break patterns' is a critical dynamic to address when it comes to suffering less. That deep dark black hole I recently touched on required me just the other day to say to my PT provider "I really must interrupt my negative thinking patterns" I was referring to, 'how' I was 'talking' ... about not going to the Gym. More over how I was talking in general. The context here is more about how we talk and think in general.

    Have you ever played or understood those fantasy Role Playing Strategy Games (also some RTS games) on PC or console. An 'interrupt spell' is on the top of list when it comes to shutting down negative spell casters who seek to control their enemies without even touching them. They have spells where one is followed by another each building on the one before them. In some cases you don't even know it's happening if you not watching carefully.

    So it is that our life is sapped by a system that too, is designed to control us. Knowing how the game is played is the only way to even have a chance of breaking such spells. But the bigger picture here is to see how in the end, we are the one's that wind up doing it to ourselves. The latter not to absolve the bigger picture but more an acknowledgement to a symptom, that's perfect for a controlling system. The repetitive nature of all that game play is indeed hard to break. We humans are very habitual creatures and thus makes sense that in a controlling system we are continually conditioned. Just as using an interrupt spell is key to breaking the pattern of others, we also need to interrupt our own mindset/s, and consequently the habitual hard to break habits that typically ensue.

    Sorry to go on Sal ... Yes I am trying to make sense for myself. Again ... it's not so simple because some habits can actually be good for us. It's more about the nature in which we approach a habit rather than the habit itself. In this I will say is good focus on what we know works, and end on a good note where not doing so only leads to digging a deeper hole. Therefore ending on a bleak note not be all that bad if it leads to an acknowledgement that in turn ends in acceptance where less suffering is suddenly felt; moreover relief. However it's important to understand it's a process ...

    Another point or way to say it ... it comes down that native american story ... The Wolf You feed: But how we feed is not so straight forward as the possy wossies will have you beleive that acknowledging anything bad is not good, yet it is becoming more well know through acceptance therapies, we can not move on until we have dealt with the hard stuff. I would add to that, that in the end, living in a world that's as corrupt as it is ... that we should accept that life will continue to have many hardships. That is is as much about 'learning to live with.' Makes me think of the thread title I made a whiles ago ... How To Make Friends With You Demon. Something like that.
    ____________________________________________

    I spoke out today in a shop that resulted in quite a fuss. A mother came running in, lifted her little toddler by it's little arm and proceeded to belt the kid repeatedly. This took place right next to me.

    I talk about that incident and behavioral pattern ... plus my reaction ... in my next post.

    I am srry if what I am posting about wells up too much pain. I try to be more mindful ... but I also think we do better to talk about these things. I know it helps me. Like D - I too am in a LOT of pain. I'm trying to be more inspiring than not.

    Catch up soon ... I hope you get some relief at some point in your day or evening.
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  4. #174
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    So today might be an example where stepping in is better than not. Like I really don't won't to participate, yet today's outing was solely about catching up with a friend; not the shops. So for all that talk about remaining an observer, the universe threw an obstacle literally right in front of my path today that was like begging me to step up to the plate.

    I live in a town that is renowned for it's highest unemployment level. The town's name comes up a lot when talking about such figures for the state. As such being the case with a relatively high population of lower socio residents (AKA Undesirables as labeled by police, scholars, winners and their associated cheer leading squads / sheep) it's not uncommon to see many ill-equipped and dysfunctional parents that publicly yell and beat their kids. The last few times I saw as much, I later struggled with both the act and impact on both my own life as well as the then their kids.

    So today I finally said something under my breath with the intention for this mother to hear knowing full well she would react. I've already mentioned above in my last post how she grappled with child and excessively belted her toddler child. I was not up for debating the issue or legalities of smacking a child. I was however up for publicly protesting to outright abuse. I did well to act as I did.

    "WHAT DID YOU SAY!!!!! ... HOW DARE YOU TALK TO ME LIKE THAT!!! BLA BLA BLA AND LOTS OF MORE BLA BLA BLA"

    I basically focused on not raising my voice but now having got her attention (she already had the shops when beating her child) and responded to the effect of:

    I replied "You heard me" ... (I called her 'Child Beater' swapping basher with beater in some kind of lame attempt to keep myself civil) I went on to explain that beating her child was not only going to screw her kid up, but was also no longer publicly accepted. She went on in a fit yelling out "Why don't you tell the world and bla bla bla ..." I then explained that I would inform welfare completely missing the accusation she made about me being gay. LOL ... my friend brought me up to speed on that. Essentially these militant types that support smacking children see any form of opposition to corporal punishment as weak ... gay by their standards. Although my friend was quick to admit that he has been accused of being gay several time before. I laughed at that, as my wife often refers to me as gay all the time. Especially when going out with my male friends. But I digress.

    She hunts down her husband ... he came onto the scene with eyes somewhat dazzed ... as if having just finished pulling a bong. Once he works out what is going on, he reacts by telling me to 'come outside' and 'tell him' out there. I'm 'thinking' like ... Your wife just beats her kid in public and now your both acting all moral like, as if beating on me outside makes the act OK ... to inflict harm on others out of sight? The wife at this point also now inviting me outside yelling and ranting. Sadly I must admit I entertained the idea of going outside to snap the lanky husband in half and use part of his body to beat his wife. This intrusive thought niggled at me during all their yelling. My friend who knows me well and understand why I was upset at seeing the little child get beat, put his hand on my shoulder and says let it be.

    I was a little upset that he did that because it could of been taken as an implication on my part for staring the incident. But like I say he was close to me and could see the demon welling up in me. Fact is, I never yelled, I never postured ... he did say though I looked as if I was going to cry. I explained that was more a glazing of rage ... but yea ... crying would be in there as well.

    The young shop keeper stepped in to tell the women and her husband to leave the store. Most of the shoppers only saw and heard the commotion of her flogging her child and then her insane reaction to my soft remarks. I was most likely only audible to the other shoppers when responding to the invitations to come outside. At that point after entertaining the idea as previously expressed, I did raise my voice and stated "I have already made my objections ... I've said what needs to be said!" I was rather terse holding myself back.

    As we walked out the husband kept hounding me. I turned around and once more entertained my demon by giving that intrusive though some more slack. In that split second, I directed the husband a death stare, where I was either to rip the fuckers head off right there and then ... or not. He suddenly realized he might of bitten off more than he could chew and gave an involuntary response that looked like he momentary lost all function. I guess I looked more insane when a split second later I regained composure and told him straight up, that hitting only results in teaching aggression. This most people heard and was a fitting end to an otherwise peaceful shopping trip.

    Lisa later tells me that the women might think twice, next time before beating her kid. I replied that many people respond with hitting when they feel threatened ... yet I feel I did the right thing. More people ought to stand up and say something when they see kids being flogged. What's as sad is how many people try to defend beating their kids. I also think it's sad that people refer to the term gay as weak. On all counts these individuals that think its OK to beat kids and call people gay just because they see them as weak ... well ... that there is also in our culture. Society claims to of evolved on many fronts, yet still lives in the dark ages at that same time.

    I don't put up with people beating their kids in public nor do I dislike gay people. I was not all composed later this day. I ended up in a foul mood myself after going out and having to once again see that shit. I don't regret speaking up ... but I do regret having to see beat on their kids and call others names. It's residual. I later gave foul stares back to others whose negativity I attracted via my own state of being. I was pulling faces, giving the finger and ripe for a beating. You see even just seeing others beat up like so .. that is enough to send my over the edge. Even when I see it on the news. The pinnacle is seeing law enforcement beat on others regardless of blame. Of course I just looked like a fucking lunatic. Violence begets violence. This after the events earlier that day. This our wonderful world of restraint. arrrrrr

    I'm not well ... and I bit off more than I could chew when going out. It's a gamble to be sure. No doubt I will do as I must. I needed to buy some larger pants to allow for all my extra weight. I ended up finding a nice fitting pair of pants. I got them at the end of the day by going back out and trying once more. My friend came along a second time and then we went for a walk.
    _________________________________

    I find out next week about the new support person I will be utilizing through NDIS.
    Last edited by Ponder; 01-10-2019 at 06:54 AM.
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  5. #175
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    cont ...

    On other fronts ... I have estimated an expected amount for the pay out pertaining to all that abuse I suffered in that children's home. This is really hard to write about as well. I did say I would let you all know how that went down as well. I don't know for sure but the insanity is that due to the hierarchy of abuse re penetration Vs physical and mental abuse ... I am set to get around six thousand from the origin pot of six hundred thousand. It's not just the amount of money, but the sheer lack of comprehension when it comes to factoring the act vs impact.

    The report is full of so much irony. Much hearsay that wins out through corroboration yet whilst there is no questioning that, the lack of evidence pertaining to impact when compared to the act means nothing in this whole national redress to abuse. It seems more about what society deems as morally right vs the facts. Without a doubt embellishment has been rewarded. I take a little solace in knowing my sister is disgusted with the way this hole compensation claim has been handled. So much so that she will is not even keeping any of her claim. Most is going to her daughter and now that she has found out about the measure of my impact ... she also claims she will be sharing a little of hers with me. I am not counting on it ... but I do appreciate the she seems to get how dismissive and counter healing this whole compensation sham has been.

    So it is today when the universe put that mother in front of me to flog her kid ... that I had some more purging to do this day. I also hope that mother think twice before flogging her kid.
    ________________________________________

    ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

    I'm grateful that my mother offered to fast track the medical attention regarding the lump on my back. I will not let the doctors know that until I know the results and know how long the public system will take. This pain in my neck and shoulders is also playing into my instability of late. I literally wake up every morning immobile and in great physical pain. I have been unable to sleep, and again ... put on a tone of weight. Is OK though ... somehow I know what must happen will happen. I even allow that train of thought to apply to today. I expected as much with the results on all fronts. For those following my story, I just say that I am very happy that I am now once again have a good relationship with my sister and my mum. Remember how I never talked to them for years running after my brothers death. In that things have worked out good in the end.

    I try to sleep well tonight ... I have PT (physical trainer) in the morning. 3 times a week that has been. I found out she has experience talking with inmates. I say talking because she seems like a good listener. Good listeners are worth listening too in my book. This lady is good at helping to perk me up when I feel completely flat. We use a balance ball in the park and so mostly remedial core exercises with a few trots and walks ... run walk run kind of thing. Just like I used to. I really can't believe just how much bad timing this lump in the neck is with regards to this.

    I've got to keep it simple. We agreed to dial back the intensity of exercise and focus more on stretching ...

    Shit ... its really late ... I got to get up in about 6 hours. given how long it takes to get to sleep ... yea ... I got to get a hold of this shit of late.

    ok ... no edits tonight

    night night. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
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  6. #176
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    2am ... in a lot of pain feeling sweaty, squeezy and unable to sleep. Just canceled PT. I think I need to cancel for the entire next week. This kind of ongoing pain really sucks. I am completely exhausted but unable to get adequate rest. Kind of just going in and out of micro sleeps. The pain is starting to shoot up the back of neck into my head. Also been giving headaches.

    Srry to whine about it, I am sure it's just yesterdays events excaerbating things is all. I try again to go back to sleep. Zzzzzzzzz
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  7. #177
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    oh not good, I wonder I know you hate meds but maybe this is the situation that call for pain killer?
    ''“If you cry because the sun has gone out of your life, your tears will prevent you from seeing the stars.”
    ''
    ― Rabindranath Tagore

  8. #178
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    Pffff yea right ... best they gave me last time was a script for Panadeine forte. BUT thanks for the suggestion. You are correct, I was just today consider pain medication. Thanks for the suggestion. Sleep is more important at this stage Vs side effects. I might try Valerian Root. In my opinion it works at least as good as codeine ... quality of product, and timing when taken + the right amount of stomach contents all being factored in. Don't know ... I'd rather just take some *&^%ing slow release morphine and be done with it. Like that's going to happen.

    Alternatively I start back up my monk practice.
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  9. #179
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    PS ... I no what you mean D, but just to be clear and for a more proactive outlook regarding the use of chemicals ... I don't 'hate' meds, despite once speaking tersely about such things. I'm a lot more objective on the topic these days. Nevertheless I get your meaning. It's sad that despite being more mindful about my approach to medication, the GP I am currently seeing treats me like a drug addict when it comes to prescribing pain killers. (Ancient History re psychologist and medical reports / mud sticks and thus ... holds me back) Such is the text book response of many doctors as taught in university and other elements of mainstream authority. Is the same with all the complacent health care professionals. All the more reason to avoid the medical system as it be.

    I will seek to self medicate if the system refuses to ease my pain when it comes to allowing me enough sleep. My self medication generally less detrimental than the term usually suggests. Everyone is quick to judge when using such words.
    Last edited by Ponder; 01-10-2019 at 09:29 PM.
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  10. #180
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    Mum sent me a little medicine to assist with the pain. So far it's helping.

    My appointment with the private surgeon was putt off again. This time they said that doctor is on extended leave and to go back to my GP and get a new referral to another doctor.

    Thx for the antidotal Mum. It will do for now.

    Cheers.

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