Time To Get Back Up Again

[Ponder]

Sal? CQ ... CQ ... CQDX this is VK D-A-V-E calling CQDX ...... anyone out there. ... - ..- .-. ..-- -. .--. .-- ... - CQ ... CQ ... CQDX this is VK D-A-V-E calling CQDX ... Sal are you there?

I hope your doing OK my friend, long time no hear? Thinking of you buddy. Perhaps you might get a kick out to the next video I share. I think it's a safe bet that D will enjoy it. I know I did.

I know he can be controversial at times, but what comedian isn't. I still miss him D. Before I watch Part 2 I link this:



I'm sorry the forum is not so active these day. None the less we can be thankful it's still here.

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Learning to let go now would be a good start. Imagine how hard it is for those of us with anxiety. I found this very inserting and inspiring.

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Thinking of dropping a lot of my current supports as I think they are really designed to keep me sick. Complex story that one, but one I really want to let go of. Lately I have been full of so much frustration and despair yet trying to keep afloat with no energy to spare. Over thinking to the max ... that is for sure. Too much going on. I'm not in a state to explain. Attempting to do so would only make me feel worse. Before I can unload or let go ... there is a process I must go through. I wince at the thought of sitting and trying to think of nothing ... yet I know that would help very much. I keep saying I need to get off this thing yet here I am again ... then there is the mobile phone ... then the TV pretty much doing the same thing ... although I think it might serve at least for weaning my off this thing.

The phone is something I am supposed to keep by for all the appointment reminders, notifications, people ringing about more appointments and on and on. Hmmmmm ... The supports I have in place are too many ... is not a simple life ... feel like a fucking piece of meat being consumed by well meaning people who forget their place. The latter not so straight forward. Sigh ... I don't know. I think dial back the support, appointments and so on ... and stop thinking so much.

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz sounds like a plan.

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Journal Entry 26-04-2019: I think the title of this entry speaks for itself. That's not to say there are no pro's to Evidence Based Practices, but bare in mind their are plenty of cons to it, if like me you come up against people who peg your own efforts as less validated because it does not fit some a main stream model. For a better understanding to the meaning to the advantages and disadvantages of evidence based practices → Here! Although you will have to join up and possible pay money to research all the more. LOL. Kind of plays into the futility of of main stream practice as always being limited. Anyways ... back to being my own audience and once again using the term journal to begin my ramblings. I was just thinking of a couple of individuals that would often say to me, "arrr but is that evidence based?" Often stated whenever I would make a claim that one way works better long term compared to another. I've a desire to climb back out of a deep hole and although talked about it many times, I find no reason not to keep plugging away at what I knows best for me. So in that ... I validate myself regardless of an inner resistance that seeks to keep down. I've got all the evidence I need.

My problem is working with community organisations and services that only act on and base their work instincts on statistical research results, when it comes to handling complex (radical) cases such as me. In this I have been banging my head against the wall when dealing with mental health professionals such as coordinators of varying kinds, support workers and all the public relations in between. I mention in a recent post how this was becoming too much and driving me insane. It is! I having another 'meeting' yet again - and again, and given the atypical language and manner of being treated according to a set model ... it's all starting to feel obligatory again. By again I am referring to the mutual obligations and high pressures of employment outcomes placed upon those receiving welfare 'Job Seekers' allowance/benefits. I feel like I have done a complete circle and once more wish to grab a petrol can and rope to go out dangling like an upside down lit wick! Suicidal thoughts have been somewhat passionate and romantic of late. Alas - The recent posting on death and meditation have been a good grounding for me. I am once again learning to embrace the rage.
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Hmmm - Yea ... that's was a fair assessment of how I am feeling of late. I dismissed my first NDIS support worker for his handling of me. I don't have time to go into that, except to say other than my own limitations and own that - I fear this system I have allowed myself to be in is just making things worse. At least until I can deal with the fact I am simply going to come across imperfect people and learn to live with it, in much the same way I propose that suffers should learn to live with what is, rather than adopt that fallacy of having cured or conquered the unconquerable. A world of illusions that keeps going round and round, yet knowing is not enough as here I am playing into its hands.

The following Pic - My local Medical Center/ Australia. A far cry from what I would call 1st World Service.
Basically, It's hard to ignore the 'true value' such medical practices place on the people there are servicing; dare I use the word serve. This day and age, humans have no real understanding of the word service in compassionate terms.



I can't be bothered wasting my time linking this post to the medical board, but I am sure I have made a point with those few that read me well. LOL at evidence based when you consider this. This being the complacent model that undermines all else; when it comes to true worth. Not true self. Although the latter often affected by the reality of environment. Not enough people speak out against it, for fear of .....

I think what a joke! PFFFFT



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The following a more memorable moment sitting on a friends balcony having coffee.



Adios until next post.

[Ponder]

Back into a solid walking routine. Definitely feeling positive side effects of the transitioning night and day times when I go for my walks. Much better than popping the pills I was when going through the worst stages of pneumonia ... that's for sure. Glad that shit is over. Although I am still coughing up shit and can feel stuff cling to the walls of my chest. All the more reason to get moving. It's been a good return, although I am still listening to my body when it comes to feeling tired during the day. Balancing act between hydration and food choices for sure. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz Early night tonight for sure.

No thinking out loud - other than that for today. At least not in here.

ZZZZzzz

[Ponder]

Journal Entry 30/04/2019: Currently I am staying in a holiday home whilst back at the other place the bathroom is being fixed. I smile to think of how it was expected that we just stay there while the dust, noise and fumes consume the house. Whilst this new place of residence is costing more than the rent we usually pay, we at least agreed on rent free whilst repairs are being done. If not for my wife, I would of much preferred to move out into something smaller and more appropriately located for all the traveling and appointments we often attend. I understand that moving is a bit much for my wife as her condition over time has slowly deteriorated. One would think the latter would or been enough for the owners to be more accommodating. None the less we battled as we typically do. If we just agreed, we would of been taking showers outside in the cold and living in dust, noise and fumes. Like I say, if not for my wife, I would of just walked on out. Who wants to live with landlords like that? Such is the reality of the worlds in which we all find ourselves in. Different colors, different strokes. Political speech has changed, yet still much is that same.

Just walked on out? Now there's a thought! Imagine living with just enough that you could simply throw your 'stuff' into a couple of boxes - Hey Presto! ... Your done!!! Reminds me of the days when I did as much with one large pack made just for my back. To be sure it was termed hardship, however I found the resistance to such being, a lot harsher than the ground on which I often slept. I slept on some pretty hard surfaces back then.

Indeed ... with this self reflection comes the realization of just how unwell I get when I sitting in one spot for too long. Of course this train of thought and the solution can be had no matter if living in one spot that is deemed 'Yours, Theirs, Others, Short and or Long Term, or even something as shallow as life long. Humans? How it is that we identify with such 'things?' Mine, Yours and so on.


Quote's for The Day

"I, a stranger and afraid; In a world I never made." A. E. Housman

“We do not "come into" this world; we come out of it ..." Alan W. Watts



One contrasts the other. One is fixated on the illusion that we are made and everything in the world are nothing but artifacts to which humans identify themselves - with. The other shatters that fantasy. Where do I see myself on this spectrum? Hmmm ... I am still struggling with insanity.

Adios ... until next post.

[Ponder]

Journal Entry 01/05/2019: A pinch and a punch for the 1st day of the month.

Well actually no! Anything but. I'm going to give this Heart Mind Connection therapy a go. This is a good example where pharmaceutical and dependent skeptics would sling that term 'evidence based.' In that I have already rested my case; just felt it was a good example as how defense works. I'm now thinking of how defense often takes the form of a reflected source. I really need to step out of that ring as lately everywhere I go I seem to just keep seeing despair and bitterness. It's a really negative place to be and long term it turns into pure depression and hatred which then leads into all kinds of deeply felt pain. Can one really find grace in such places? Eckhart Tolle seems to think so ... BUT ... just because he says so in not enough for me. Gurus, who needs them; right? I don't mind gleaning, but try not to follow any of them. Club mentality is rife in a world of selling.

SO - how about this 'Heart Mind Connection.'

Think what you will ... but this explains it concisely minus a few trigger words for me:



In unstable individuals I would reason that you can't put a time limit on how long the bubbly healing tingles last. I think that's true of any individual. You see I struggle with any marketing that includes a sales pitch on scientific research and various other buzz words/concepts and or influencing trigger terms. (Hook Line and Sinker) However ... that said, the well known Gaia T presenter Gregg Braden, is a scientist himself to which he regularly 'identifies' with. Yet he does so in a way that advocates the futility in cultural preconditioning and an agenda that seems to sell the pathway of shedding Ego. He also writes/talks a lot about Shamanism. I only know because I have been 'sussing' out this charter and many others like him for quite some time now. I don't easily fall to the way side with "OMG OMG I love you ... THANK YOU for your wondrous gift and la la and la! I sense these new wave types as overzealous Christians shedding their praises in a way that is to be seen and seen. Quite an Irony when you take in the essence of the message and then read comments with such exuberance. I know in many ways I am now doing it myself ... where does the Irony end. I guess we each play our part. For now I am still in the exsposed/ing stage.

One practical comment that stood out that sums up the

Method Behind the Sanity:

1. Connect & Feel from your Heart, by physically touching your chest.

2. Relax your Breathing to allow your Body/Mind to accept and heal.

3. Focus on 4 Emotions:• Caring• Appreciation • Gratitude • Compassion


To Review:

- Feel From Heart.

- Relax Your Breathe.

- Focus on Caring, Appreciation, Gratitude & Compassion.
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I actually had to look up the difference in the terms. I found the similarities in each word made it hard for me to get a deep connection with each.

In my own summery of what I have just posted - I have admitted still being in a heightened state of anxiety with a mind that picks up easily on many triggers. More so clings and struggles letting go with a cynicism that encompass most of the rage and hate I sense in others. I struggle with the concept of reflection, however am open to the benefit of Meta Mediation which is all just another concept of what Gregg Braden is selling with his presentation on the Hart Mind connection. It is the world in which we live that is based on selling that is driving me crazy ... among other things. If anything though, that makes practicing the art of intuition all the more appropriate for a broken individual like me ... whoever that is.

Adios ... until next post.

[Ponder]

For those that can't find anything to watch - A full Documentary on the Secret of Water. I finished watching the one on Gaia TV and thought it was very well done. I searched and searched, however could only find an updated version. The title on the youtube doco I do not beleive is correct ... but no big deal. The 2015 version is called 'Secret of Water' and rated more as a movie/doco ... not sure about the 2017 version, however much of the footage from the 2015 is present and much of the message is the same.

A very good watch that will leave you thinking what an extraordinary thing as well as questioning why it is that we continue on as we do:

FULL DOCUMENTARY

AWESOME DOCO ... worth the watch. I am paying to watch this kind of thing on Gaia ... is how I originally found it and why I am sharing. I'll keep looking for others and link when I find them. Generally most of the stuff on Gaia is not fully available ... just snippets. Therefore this is just another good find. I hope you enjoy.

Until next post.

[Ponder]

Journal Entry 04/05/2019: I've been doing well from an active point of view. Hopping to keep up the walk/jog/walk/jog and early morning starts. I've been offsetting that with a lot of walking. Both routinely orientated and commuting. Today would be a good one to relax with the mini tramp. Admittedly this is probably the hardest reset/comeback/off & on return to physical and mental health I have experienced.

I don't think the most stable of us can exist continuously on one level at any rate. I've read and tend to agree this is the problem with the current medical model not to mention most other facets of society. It seems we are always taking something or other to counteract this and that, in a futile attempt to reach a single state of being; yearning for a deluded sense of bliss and prosperity. Perhaps more a perspective for well being snobs. I chuckle to think how my own stereotyping also plays into the chaos. Typically the case for the majority is trying to live pain free in a world that thrives on the creation of suffering. I have come to beleive there really is no such thing as a pain free life and to expect is akin to being sheep. No doubt the concept sells well. Just create conflict and fear, then produce the antidote for just the right price. Works from mainstream marketing right down to social media. Acceptance really does seem to be key. But how to live with such toxicity?

Yadda Yadda - OK - I just talk about my struggle with 'Integrating Back Into Society:'

Such a clinical term, but often used in western culture when dealing with Welfare Rejects. AKA - Long Term Unemployed. Man, if only some of us at the bottom had it in us to write effective books. Although I think we already have too many and when it comes to solutions that require effort - no one really seems interested.

So there I am standing outside a local grocery store. Although it was quite busy, I was standing in a space relativity free, munching on a bag of spinach leaves waiting for a friend currently inside purchasing his things. Out of no where comes this almighty cry, "YOU FUCKING MURDERING RAPIST FAGGOT!!!" Still munching on my spinach leaves I turn 180 degrees to spot an individual of aboriginal decent riding on his extra large BMX bicycle. Interestingly he had no helmet and looked to be about my age; 50 ... although I look 60. Perhaps he was 30? He was looking to his right and left as he continued to bellow out the words ""YOU FUCKING MURDERING RAPIST FAGGOT!!!"

I thought it not supersizing that most people where NOT looking directly at him. I just continued watching him as I grabbed another hand full of spinach. As soon as we both made eye contact he once again gave an almighty cry "DO YOU EVEN COME FROM HERVEY BAY" ... a two second pause ... "WHERE DO YOU COME FROM" As he rounded the corner directly leading to me, I turned once more keeping eye contact knowing there was only two ways this was going to end. I was fighting back a few of my own intrusive thoughts; but figured silence would win out in the end. The best I could muster was psychic intent that he could do as he pleased.

Then just as he mounted the disabled ramp and more spinach leaves reached my mouth, he quietly & calmly says "Your alright mate, your not a murdering rapist faggot." With my spinach now almost finished, I turn for the last time to watch, as he passed right by my side. Before I notice him pulling up at a public phone box, I then notice a young girl fighting back her laughter who no doubt seen the full episode. I think I was more derailed by the girls laughter, but then contemplated if I should ask this 50 Y/o BMX rider if he was OK? Then my friend who was still shopping suddenly appeared, so instead I decided I would be off and told him the story I just told you.
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That was just the start to a really weird day. In the end I was happy that my new hat had me looking like a tourist. It's exactly why I bought it. Generally since wearing it, I have been getting a lot more hellos whilst out on the sidewalk.

Adios until next post.