Time To Get Back Up Again

[salvator here]

Is all good ... glad we could have this chat. Who wants to be part of the majority. hahah LOL ... put the in your psycho socialization reintegration pipe and smoke that! They will never accept the insight we have to offer and will always refer to it as not more than are distorted perception.

I'll go out on a limb once more by saying again ... I know you get the gist.

You're welcome and it helps me to know I'm getting it myself. Yes, they wont accept what we understand (our perspective), I actually keep much of 'what I know' or 'how I see' things/situations in day-to-day life to myself, if I go too overboard with my therapist and med provider they consider that to be the sickness (or as you stated, a distorted perception) when its not distorted at all as I see it, just a deeper understanding. They consider over my over analyzing everything to be OCD so I just keep things general when I discuss thing now and learned my lesson from that past when that happened.

Thank you for posting so much and I enjoyed reading it today

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I understand Sal. I really do. I might not reap the benefits of medication as some others do, (In this I am starting to waver and reconsidering but too resistant for my own good) however when industry professionals take objection to my understanding whilst wishing to have me fit in, they typically withdraw supports or threaten to do so. In my view, that's akin to forcibly medicating those against their will or seeking to have them boxed in regardless if they fit or not. Whilst with involuntary situations this is more common, it's not so black and white in the general population, however in the end it pretty much amounts to the same thing.

I myself enjoy writing about such things as is my way to determine my next steps ... or if I shall continue making any more steps ... or if I should give up completely. To be honest I know I will reclaim my some sense of sanity I had during the cycles before all this PTSD was opened up regarding the children's home / compensation. It has really fucked me over more than the BS carrots on the stick and whilst said claims are still open is pains me every fucking day! No one seems to care about that. In my view it seems so called victims are too caught up in the expectation of money as to all those involved in between ... very much so the latter. I just want it to fucking end!!! Sigh ... what the fuck ever. In many ways this the shambles with current welfare reforms feels very much the same.

I had a huge day today ... The psychiatrist is aiming to categorize me across the board. I've been too focused on the ASD. (one track mind) I've been wishing for a one label fits all and the ASD was looking really good for that, however it's looking like going back to a kettle of fish. Back to being a complex case. I've given in to accept whatever he comes up with. That said I still like learning about all the traits from across many different categories of mental illness. Whilst I adhere to philosophies on the dangers of trying to know everything, I typically resist others trying to box me in, however know too well just how easy it can be to do myself with constantly wanting to know all the whats, whys and hows.

I think I have about paved the way for the next ten years with regards to proving myself. I think I mean it's soon time to go back to just doing what works for me ... letting go of all the reassessing, reviews and accountings.

For now I am prepping for a new plan that's entrenched within the mental health system. It's going to be interesting to say the least. My goals are NOT going to be based on Goal Setting as the government defines it. This is going to be the topic of my psychologists guidance for the NDIS coordinator who speaks in terms of goal setting as defined by the system. Until these NDIS planners and coordinators understand my resistance to obligatory pressures and respect my ability to set my own goals on daily living, they will be wasting all that glorified money. Moreover that such stability has nothing to do with aims of so called 'reintegration' as they expect of me and so many certified permanently mentally affected individuals.

The most effective way in dealing with complex cases like myself is to help fit what works, into their subsidized boxes with regards to allocated supports. The problem begins with approved services being mostly main stream. Main stream services of course deal mostly in Job Creation that is more about spinning the money than it is about true healing. We have said enough on this. I will have to get creative in my suggestions to bend current supports to work for me.

The meeting with my therapist is going to be drawn up as a 'Stake Holders Meeting.' Hmmmmm ... The term feels very clinical does it not. BUT ... I don't care what they term it as long as they approve it. Not doing so as I suggested before can only invalidate all these would be claims of 'individual needs' The irony on using certifications (written by my current supports) to approve expenditure of money on myself (a commodity in a stake holders meeting) validated by the psychologist whose then invitation to meet up being then rejected is extreme. I will give up being on the program if that happens and happily write about it in here.
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Where was I ???

OK OK OK ... Is hard not to get bogged down with all the imperfection. Cough cough: MY PLAN ... Hmmm How to Make it MY PLAN. I guess I'll looking into what Therapies are out there I can look forward to using. The paperwork has kept me from looking.

I can't control the process that's leaving me with an open wound, but I can go online and start searching for what's available.
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The main reason I am on this program ... is to salvage what is left of my life. Not because of what I can offer the community. The community fucked me over long ago and in that, I will remain damaged as certified for the rest of my life. In this there will be no compensation. That I can only give to myself. Those of us that already have, yet want more, will never be content. Whilst those of us looking on in want will typically go on to lose what we already have ... it is the way of our society ... adding to that those whom have no empathy continue to make rules whilst those that lie and cheat are continually rewarded.

No matter at least we have this space.

Hang in there Sal. I don't intend to turn into some extroverted social butterfly that's claimed to be recovered.

My so called goals will have fuck all to do with that.

[Ponder]

I finish with this link. Pay close attention to the closing comments. Also relates to not being your label. I myself am constantly tied to my history with all the above ... all that proving. It's why so many of us remain sick of constantly having to account for the air we breathe. How does one discontent from a system that ties them to their history ... never lets them forget? By disconnecting from all its ideology. This is why I avoid main stream practices or only seek those open to my own.

Although not in the same context, think about the cycle of the system as we have spoken when listening to this. She gives good advice ... nothing new .. but always good to hear it again or at least like this. It did make me question how I know I do so well when not caught up in the very system that seeks to keep my bound to my past as a means to justify feeding me ... in this such services become nothing more than hoops ... whilst this kind of philosophy is what I avoid declaring to would be authority. I say would be, because once I give myself over to living like this ... the pressures of this world seem less oppressive. The hoops can then become more like useful tools.



It's dogmatic how we see ourselves ... how we cling and attach to the past. Also again huge irony how we are constantly called upon to prove our self which always involves our past. Seems key is learning what we can from it but then letting it go. The review process many of us continually go through is what keeps us down. You get the gist of that? That's what sent me around the bend. Still is ...

ZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz for all the passing the buck ... in the end regardless of others in our past and or on our current path, we are the ones left clinging ... doing it to ourselves ... therefore we are the only ones that can free ourselves. Yep yep Dave ... Just keep telling yourself that. Just your distorted perception.

[Ponder]

I guess I better get up. It's a brand newwww dayyyyyy. Zzzzzzzz lol. Big Yawn. Rolls onto floor ... quilt and all.

[Ponder]

This helps - simply explained, quick and effective:

[Ponder]

Hello D, hows the reading going?

What's up Sal ... You still moving.

One of my other interests:

Star Trek Discover - Why the 1st season was considered a flop.
Hate tactics towards original fans backfire.



This explains a LOT!

Note the legalities being the reason for the new Time Line. Looking forward to the day exploration and hope return ... regardless of Timeline. Much has been lost with current comprises to win over new fans. It has all but destroyed the Star Trek Series. From what I am reading and hearing, I am not sure that Discovery can save itself. Season Two looks like it has learned nothing. Good for today's short attention spans ... :P

Thankfully picard will be in a stand alone series. That said, going by the latest writers; I won't hold my breath.

[Ponder]

N/P something is telling me to let it go once again.

[salvator here]

Yeah I walked today for the first time in ages, only 3/4 mile but been a while, stuck inside for sometimes weeks.

[salvator here]

This helps - simply explained, quick and effective:

Listening to this now

EDIT: thank you for that one, was very helpful, would be better if I were thinking clearer, but maybe I'll try another time. Sorry I've been quiet, just a lot to deal with and sometimes seem impossible. I'll write a better reply later hopefully. I know you're also going through a lot so hopefully your managing.

2nd EDIT: Just realized you started your own blog, great idea and I'm thinking about it as well, hope it helps you. I know sometimes it seems feedback isn't always there when we need it the most, I guess I never really ask anymore. I know its not good, but when I most need support I tend to curl up into a ball and hide away from the world. Perhaps a blog would be great for those times to just unload because, of course, most times we answer our own questions anyway, I know I wind up going in circles most times, still comes back to me; myself; and I in this world. Life has taught me you can best rely upon ourselves when in doubt.

Just know when i come here, I usually look for your postings first. I understand if you want to try something else though, but I sort of think of you as the spine of this site.

Anyway..

I truly wish you and your family the best going forward. And I agree.. trying to remain stable in this unstable and unpredictable world is quite the chore.

Take good care of yourself.

[Ponder]

PM Sent.