ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzz Need to get to bed ... going to go to gym in the morning. It's been a while since I went in there - despite keeping active with a friend.
Hi Guys. Been while since I though a video together. Just me taking the 350 for a spin. I'm still learning to drive the trains but good enough now use the camera without triggering the emergency brakes. Well sometimes I am good enough to use the camera and drive at the same time. Right now I am just killing time as the render is still happening in the background. My lap top is pretty good, but it is still a lap top. I had to turn the graphics down so the footage would not be tooo choppy, although still is a little. Over all though ... I think it did a good enough job. If your not up too much ... grab a cuppa and we'll take the trip together. I pick passengers up ... drive about 20 odd miles maybe more or less and then drop them off. Along the way I ramble a bit and just take in the scenery + make a few driving mistakes.
hmmm 75 percent rendered.
I am freaking out about the NDIS thing because I don't like having to front up to government offices. Much of what we have been told throughout the process is not what we are hearing later. My wife is now more skeptical than me. It seems they really are not taking into account my inabilities. Is a bit of a joke really that they make you fight so hard to quality for being disabled, only to then treat you none other than a commodity that must fit into their mold. I don't mean to be ungrateful - just question the whole concept of helping hand with so many expectations and pressures added in order to receive. So many people who don't really need the help getting it, whilst those more in need are being continually rejected. I fought so hard that now I am finally there, I have not much energy left to put up with the BS. Not sure if any of you understand ... just felt good to let that out. Render nearly finished. Hopefully the multitasking did not badly effect the finished file.
Now uploading ... a little more time to kill. Good news there is we not long ago had the internet upgraded in are local area. Even better we are very close to the node. My uploads are like 10 times faster if not more.
I hope this video finds you guys as well as can be. I have tried to keep my spirits up over the last week or so as too through out my video. Let me know if your up for more vids. I can show how my latest city is going in City Skylines. The PC games have actually been a good distraction for me of late. I really am starting to question much of what I have been fighting for of late. I'll probably get around to jounaling on that later but more interested in focusing on getting back into my exercise and healthy life style choices.
Forgive the typos and readability tonight ... already way past my bedtime. My work flow with video rendering and the like is still slow. Processing - Processing ... Youtube is almost done ... Processing ZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzz
Hope you enjoy the ride:
(Best to use headphones - my sound equipment and experience is not much chop)
Not happy with the upload quality ... oh well ... I'll keep working on it. Srry about that.
Last edited by Ponder; 12-04-2018 at 06:07 AM.
hi I am here and I read it everyday, just letting you know Ponder and Salvator
''“If you cry because the sun has gone out of your life, your tears will prevent you from seeing the stars.”
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― Rabindranath Tagore
Is good to know D. TY.
All good. I seem to be getting the help I need, but only because I am making the effort to be heard. Not so easy when not in the majority basket to which most programs tailored for. Just saw the psychologist who is writing a letter encouraging those intend to work with me come and sit in on one of our visits. That makes me think what a good repore I have with the psychologist. It's taken 4 years to build with that particular one, but it's been well worth it. Those services go a long way to keep many of us stable ... out of prisons, hospitals and so on.
Like I say, I'm not your ussual case, but there are more of us out thrmere than you would think. If anything I do believe if society does not change, it will only see more in need. Alas .. that perpetual cycle and self created need. The negitive side to job creation in an industry we would be better off without.
Excuse typos. Sitting in a waiting room, waiting for my wife. Thankfully I am the only ones, or else I would prefer the scorching heat.
I know life can really suck ... but things could always be worse. I don't like where I am at, but thankful for the supports I currently have. They are worth fighting for ... despite such a negitive word.
Thanks for for letting us know Dahila you're alright.
Good to head Ponder.. squeaky wheel gets the oil, as they say. The system would love nothing more than for us to just go away. Society can create a revolving-door in and out of psych ward and that's just a quick fix to a long term problem, not a solution and only creates more bills I can't afford already. I'm hanging in there all I can say really.
I also try to remember things could be worse and sometime that helps, other times not so much because I keep going round in circles and never improve beyond a certain point. Keep winding up in crisis even on meds mind you so they aren't a one stop shot answer.
Hope all goes ok with your wife.
Take care.
Cheers - Yes ... I am being somewhat overly optimistic. LOL ... You know how they say? ... "It's just your perspective."
I'm with you on your assessment. I hear ya.
Basically after filling in my therapist, she jumped on board with me and has invited those pulling the strings to come sit in a session with myself and her. The trouble is the system ever only wants tick and flick from some doctor that really does not know the individuals and their needs; whilst yet preaching the opposite. Going by your previous responses, you obviously get the drift.
The good news for me, is that after contacting the agencies via their websites under 'public safely' and bringing up my history - One of the mentor guys that used to visit me off and on over the last four years (team leader and manager) is now stepping in to assist with the BS he knows exists ... then like I said, my therapist in now backing my with letters of support and invitation. If they reject her offer, then in my view they have just discredited their own intention with the so called preaching of 'Individual planning focus. So far so good. They are coming to my house this time around to avoid the otherwise useless appointment, manager is attending for the meet and greet and is also working with me on the psychologist proposal. Tomorrow I see the psychiatrist ... it's been about two months since seeing him. He is a bit slow with the whole historical drama - but I be optimistic with him too as I have now seen him more than a few times. Voluntary of course. That is my point ... I am making these efforts ... but being met with BS red tape and complacent service workers that just get in my way. My so called 'Recovery' ... Pfft
Basically In all that above ... it kind of shows just how much it really takes to be heard ... to remind these public servants that indeed (let'st face it - these people are doing what they do for the money ... it's not because they love me) ... one's wheels need oiling. This whole thing about bending over and being dutifully subservient and complaint only breeds more anxiety and depression. This is why the system is more geared towards prescriptions and care little to get involved with the real professionals/therapists on the front line talking us through the insanity of a broken system ... typically worded to us as 'imperfect' ... rolls eyes. Sigh oh sigh. I think I just managed to save this latest string of BS fed to me with the transition onto NDIS. It's a massive shambles here regarding that and mental health ... services all scrambling to get a piece of the pie whilst those that really need the help are now being rejected and further pressured. The government just comes up with more plans to curve the byproduct which typically results with more advertised campaigns that feed stigma and ongoing oppression.
This is why I think little of the comments about "Oh how lovely we have so many services..." Let's just say "that's their perception and it would change if they walked in the shoes of the so called minority"
I've been thinking a little more on what my therapist was saying about the system being tailored for the majority. The majority are usually those who unquestionably follow their doctors orders, respond to the adds on the daily screens, as well the the morning TV - indeed specifically designed for the masses/majority - but I think in reality the byproduct of such programming is very much evident in these so called stable citizens. In fact the majority of people today all take prescriptions. Its who and what we are as a society. Again ... The GP is called up as the first sign of evidence when really they know *&^% of the people they are dealing with. A persons progress is measured mostly on the type of chemical they take and at what dose ... all else is a mere secondary.
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BUT NOT TO WORRY ... this is just my perception. I'm told it will change when I later feel all warm and cozy ... the nice complaint type. nothing like a good prescription to aid in such a marvelous recovery. hahahahaaa
arrrr I got to stop before I piss myself. Once again my friend ... forgive my jest with the whole medication side of things. You have my full respect as too D with regards to that. I was merely trying to make a point with how the authority goes about gauging and judging ... those too, that do their bidding and of course all the pre-programmed sheep lining up at the medical centres for a 'repeat' ... kind of makes Twichard's analogy of 'Junkies'(his term - NOT mine - Grrrr) lining up for methadone moot. The whole context of that waffle I brought up about my therapist talking about the so called majority and the system being tuned to them - well ... you now have my thoughts on that.
Her point was why I am more often misunderstood. She knows what that works for me is not what the system cares for, and she also knows that whilst people like her are expected to do their bidding, that whilst the most appropriate supports, they are quickly dismissed when it comes to the buffering. I always have full respect for therapists like so that deal honest cards and work with clients detached from the BS ideology, authoritarian and corporate systems ... mind you though there are still plenty of interns brainwashed that latter become sheep for the system ... it takes years to play this game and keep afloat and lots of resilience not to go completely insane.
In this I find much wisdom from many of your posts over the last year or more Sal ... that show a lot of insights in knowing much of what I am trying to say here.
In the end I propose that we try not to let these truths rob us of living a stable life as we can best define that for ourselves. I have linked this forum for many would be so called professional 'sorters/boxers/adjudicates' judging me as to what impact I have suffered and or what I am worth to their system of supports ... their carrots. Not that any of them care to visit and read for them self. Yet I know once they read my thoughts their own preconditioned walls go up and they will write me off as worthless and deserving of my inability. So why do I bother? Because I trust no one and I like to let them know I don't trust them. If their carrots are worth eating, then they will still be there to offer me help once that have taken the time to properly read me. Trouble is no one has time for anyone anymore. It's all mission statements, profiles and little else.
I often put these words into letters and let them know what I think at any rate ... I don't relay on people following my links. It's easy to show the conflicts and present them back in the fact of those who love to oppress. I only wish more people did it. Those that do are typically told it's a trait and if they do not back down they will be labels ... the comes the prescription. FINE ... Lean to use that against that system. It can be done ... its just a fucking game ... but if not careful it can do you in. Take the label but don't be the label ... that I want to write about. Brakes away from the prison with some sense of real peace to be found.
Mostly the programs are like that ... you get the odd people who actually like their job ... like helping ... those people are worth fostering. It's why when I am doing well, I naturally help a lot of people in the community on a level where I can help those that really need to be understood. One people make it a goal or an agenda ... NOPE ... it's breaks down. It becomes nothing more than a prerequisite to receive money in order that you can eat, pay bills and have a roof over your head.
People like me and yourself ... we be true peers ... not this new age industrialized peer support that's sold off as mere social reintegration and employment opportunities. They now sell these programs like so and base the worth of human life on an obligatory bases that only reasons from the 'imperfect cliche' / ideology ... so too one's so called 'recovery' [pfffft] .... is gauge similarly. "Now let's see David ... what goals have you set for the year & .... yadda yadda yadda"
Nothing wrong with the goal setting as I actually know how it can work for me. I use mini goals like sign posts woven into a subconscious style of therapy I have come to know through neuro-linguistic programming .... and on with my yadda yadda. BUT - the systems way is to force people and that will NEVER work with me. Those the system entrusted to care for me as a rejected kid, beat me when I was a just that ... a kid ... why the fuck would I ever trust the system again??? Sure I can take ownership and have done so many times ... I hold myself accountable and do not play victim per sey all the time. Yes ... I do at other times when oozzing with PTSD ... but this topic is something else and does away with all those BS augments from the so called majority.
Nothing is going to change whilst the system waves it's big stick. Both the law makers, preachers and let's not forget the self police. Most here don't really know what goes on in the psyc wards or in prison. You can forget about all the reality TV crap ... that's not what fucks over people over under the thumb of the system. People are fucked over way before they enter into those pitiful so called corrective solutions. Alas it much easier to blame terrorist ... the individual.
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Is all good ... glad we could have this chat. Who wants to be part of the majority. hahah LOL ... put the in your psycho socialization reintegration pipe and smoke that! They will never accept the insight we have to offer and will always refer to it as not more than are distorted perception.
I'll go out on a limb once more by saying again ... I know you get the gist.
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Yes ... my wife is as well as can be ... Thx Sal.
Last edited by Ponder; 12-05-2018 at 05:10 AM.
OK ... none of that is an exscuse not to get up. 6am ... Time to hit the gym. Eeeerrrrrrrrr ... might have a shower 1st.
Still having to drag myself out of bed, but know I will feel better for it. Pshyc visit at 10:30am.
lol - failed attempt this morning but does not mean I'm bailing out. I am doing really well at the dragging myself out of bed routine, but not getting to bed early enough, nor calming myself down under my own will. That said I have been making good gains with all things considered. My friend and I are still maintaining a 3 day a week weights routine on scheduled times. All the other stuff kind of needs to be flexible for me at this stage with so much going on.
I thought I would continue with the jounaling. It's something I like and you know how they say doing thing we enjoy is good for the brain. On that note, I cracked open my compacts camera case and took the following snap if not only to keep the battery alive:
MY LEGO 4+ DECADES ON
My wife found an article on how to clean the old lego. Is now my grandsons - but I still also like to play. That stuff is like gold - worth cleaning. Good for his hand eye coordination. Just found out Lisa used the washing machine with the lego in a pillow case. Whatever works right? I should probably slip into a pillow case and throw myself in.
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Yea ... its is real important to do things we enjoy. Even when we don't feel we have the energy. I at least acknowledged why I could not make it to the gym, but still got up and found something worth while. It's time for me to change the tape. Play a more conducive tune. With regards to my cameras ... I am all imaged out ... but still feel the odd snap might assist in keeping the tone afloat. I walked past my chess boards and thought that would make a good change ... I enjoy a good game outdoors in the elements playing against my phone. The friend that is working out with me says he plays chess, although right now I much prefer my own limited time.
Finding time ... who would of thought that without a J-O-B many of us would still find ourselves with little time. I think is more a time management thing.
On that note ... I am going to move onto something else before my morning appointment.
Have a good day ... find something that might count as a stress free distraction ... to a point it becomes much more:
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