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  1. #1
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    Time To Get Back Up Again

    I figured I best follow through on my intention to start a new journal again; having mentioned it to a friend. I figured it was me dragging the forum down but it's been a couple of months now and after quietly lurking on the side, I can see if anything ... traffic has dropped off even more. Not to worry though ... is no big deal for me or anyone else that want's to lurk on the side. Lurking is AOK in my book. Pressuring people to integrate can be real draining at times. When my methods for stability kick in, interacting comes more naturally. In that regard I have missed this space.

    I hope you get time to pop in like old times D ... if not ... no worries. Some of the old gang might pop back in to see if I am still alive and then we always get those few peeps that take a chance with saying hi. Always good to make new online friends.

    So what's the news my end???? I'm still rather unwell, but sick of feeling sick. The news is up and down, but I will try to weigh more on the desire for wellness. My derailing can 100% be attributed to all that investigations into past abuse re compensation. The good news there is that I have finally got all the paper work and the associated documents read to post. Just waiting on one last bit of mail to come in. The latter is actually good news. After much deliberation and an ongoing review, I have finally been accepted on the National Disability Insurance Scheme. Otherwise known as NDIS in Australia where I live. I was already on a disability pension due to my mental illness's, but now this new system opens doors in other areas. I won't go into detail on it just yet ... as I have a planner meeting to go to and you never know how these things pan out as the benefits can often be swayed depending on the people that cross the desk. It's still a very new system as far as mental health goes and full of as many holes as there are opportunities. Basically the context of NDIS to the National Redress Scheme on past abuse is more to do with impact as relates to me. Whilst a few lose ends ... thanks to the help of my long standing therapist, wife and other community supports I no longer have ... I think I can focus a little on getting back to doing what works for me.

    I still have one complaint left that's been going for months now ... re a manager of one of the mental health facilities I was attending. The too is nearing its end. BUT ... there will always be something. So having accepted that .. I am now doing my best to get back into a routine.

    I've put on a tone of weight ... but that's OK. I intend to do something about it, but not going to bear myself up. I have renewed my gym membership. I just need to start using it once more is all. I am battling on the treadmill is all. The social phobia is back in full swing, despite my attempts. Alas the treadmill offers me a focal point facing a wall with my back turned away from others. I like it that way. I can just focus on my walk, jog, walk and jog. I then get off and that's my work out done. I really am back at square one, yet I feel good for having just got up out of bed, getting dressed and making my way to the gym regardless if I just do 10 minutes on the treadmill.

    I think that pretty much sums up where I am at.

    Take care folks.

    Adios ... until next post.
    __________________________________

    I'm still enjoying my gaming distractions. Currently in the early stages of a huge Cities: Skylines Tutorial. 65 vids longs. I'm only into video 5. I'm in no rush ...


  2. #2
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    Good to see you back,
    At least some good news. I think we need to pop in here more often. I feel that we should do it
    ''“If you cry because the sun has gone out of your life, your tears will prevent you from seeing the stars.”
    ''
    ― Rabindranath Tagore

  3. #3
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    Hi D. Yes. The Mental Health forums need not be a place to frequent for when just feeling down. I ended up going to the gym this morning but like I say, more a case of just going through the motions. This I am content with at this stage. I have my planner meeting tomorrow regarding NDIS. Did not do too much today. That makes me think about the long grass that urgently needs my attention + the numerous other tasks. None the less the gym was a good start. Let's just go with that.

    After saying I would never get a GAIA TV subscription; I ended up getting one. hehe. Perhaps I ramble about that experience:

    HHmmm ... GAIA TV is like a smorgasbord of Movies, Documentaries, Series and Meditation Videos that range from all areas of spiritual philosophies/consciousness/Awareness right down to Alien Theorists and Out Right Winged Bat Concepts. Just my kind of thing. Notice I left out the work conspiracy. The latter leads to closed minds and that generally pulls apart challenging CONcepts that would otherwise leave many would be sheep questioning. bahahaha bahahaha. Just kidding.

    That said ... I do at times find myself laughing from time to time thinking for all the effort I put into having an open mind ... WTF are they on!!!??? You can't help but find a lot of irony and conflicts between the different Series that lend a little from the each of the other presenters. I don't mind the rehashing because that's how we learn ... filtering as we go kind of thing. I don't think the inconsistencies should have me writing off other peoples take on whatever it is they are selling, but I do see a lot of it when going form one show to the other.

    For instance the whole concept on the Sphere Building Alliance as fascinating as it is ... leaves me wondering what came first → StarGate SG1 or the Blue Avian's. That said, I do enjoy the topic of ETs as a good distraction. On Gaia I typically switch between it and the other content on spiritual philosophies, consciousness and Awareness. BUT ... then when that starts to sound more like New Age Garbage Selling Books ... I go back tot he Aliens.

    Whilst I talk about it in jest like so ... there is a side of me that actually gleans some helpful mind sets with regard to inner healing and that kind of thing. Gaia Tv imo does require a good base knowledge of spiritual philosophies, consciousness and Awareness + a must have of being open minded. The previous knowledge base I hinted at helps to filter what goes in so you don't end up with walls that immediately pop up.

    That's my story thus far on GAIA TV.
    ___________________________________________

    I think this concludes this evening's post.

    Adios until next one.
    Last edited by Ponder; 11-14-2018 at 03:59 AM.

  4. #4
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    yeah Gaja is not so simple. I actually do not like concepts that are difficult to understand. There is two reasons for that one; it is not logical. Two; it might use language that most people do not use it Take a day off, I had done it yesterday just did not do anything. .
    Are you watching anything good sci-fiction?
    ''“If you cry because the sun has gone out of your life, your tears will prevent you from seeing the stars.”
    ''
    ― Rabindranath Tagore

  5. #5
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    This planet is any thing but; logical. In fact the imposed systems and those leading them, ensure that we live in complex worlds. In this way people of all facets are hemmed in, pacified in a way that makes any effort to escape suck the life right out of them → before they have any chance to truly comprehend. Think of it in terms of a complicated legal language designed specifically to keep people from defending themselves. (Lies & Deception 24/7 that keeps us hooked) What should be simple is not; purely by design. Extend this complexity across all areas of existence throughout our society and you quickly come to see why so many of us are viewed as sleeping. I think the term awakening is a good one when it comes to finally seeing, although waking up in this respect is often experienced as the beginning of yet 'another' nightmare! To exist in a complex world whilst 'content' to sap up the juice that feeds one addictions, but then suddenly awaken to understand the mechanism whilst all those around us are seemingly still plugged in ... ... that often leaves one feeling more lost and alone. Think of the guy in the matrix who betrayed Morpheus and his gang so that he could get back in!

    Hmmm SCI-Fi this day and age. I get more entertainment from GAIA TV. hehe


    I am watching re-runs, again and again. It's so much nostalgia although I am sure that has a lot to do with it, but like I have said before ... today's story telling is full of too much gloss, plays on addictive desires, and overall quite draining. Not to mention the short episodes when dealing with the classics of old that then expect us to hang a year or two before then releasing the next season. ZZZZzzzzz Those with more eps are on the opposite scale; too plastic and shallow. Perhaps make for good comedy. hehe.

    That said ... I have been allured with a couple that are too few and far between. Travelers took me a little while to take in, but it had enough for my walls to recline where it then actually grew on me. It had a good mix of age making in it making it more believable and feel less like watching today's space cadets scifi genre and refreshingly no need to stereotype gender, sexual orientation and all the other societal hangups that so typically weigh down the sci/fi and all other genres of today.

    Those ones that do prick my intensest of late, have been Interstellar and The Martian. The latter more overly dramatic and quite sheepish, but still ... compared to what's been around or on TV today ... it was a good for shits and giggles.
    ______________

    You had to ask. ... Walking Dead although not really Sci-Fi in my book (But will do) Is bearable. Not like it once was and possibly still losing more people. ITS OK. I even watch Fear The Walking Dead. It's my go between for lack of decent sci-fi and outright comical space cadets presentations. Game of Thrones whilst again diverging from Classic Sci-Fi does hold the best of what today has to offer ... A good mix of Gloss WITH story is painful only due to the iconic short seasons and excruciating long bouts in between. The answer to all this for me ... is RE-RUNS.

    The REAL Star Trek Genre and Stargate Series - EVEN the original Battlestar Galactica from the late 70s. Again I am sure nostalgia has a lot to do with it ... but then again NOT. Regardless of age ... the world is changing in ways that have nothing to do with pinning for the past. Our culture is simply not the same in the way that you can compare lost art.
    ___

    I best get out of this chair, have breakfast, maybe ... just maybe ... tend to the long grass! Clean up some more ... or just CLEAN UP and get ready for my interview later in the day.

    I don't know D ... It's just my perspective is all. There is actually some good Sci-Fi out there ... it's just not as readily as available as most of the 'garbage' regardless of past and present. The truth is we have had a LOT of BS thrown at us through out all time and still will have.
    ____

    I get by good enough. My PC gaming has a lot of good Sci-Fi Content. I find it better in many was, although the TV is good to at least change the distance at which I view my matrix screens.

    Srry if this was rant like ... I have been lacking sleep. I'm working on that. Getting there ... slowly but surely.

    Each to their own. Their just my preferences ... and how I gel. I have a couple of friends who see differently and I don't mind talking their talk. Sometimes they help me come around.

    Adios until next post.
    Last edited by Ponder; 11-14-2018 at 02:58 PM.

  6. #6
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    Opinions shimnions ... Yard half done. Flooded the blower so going in for a game.

  7. #7
    Quote Originally Posted by Ponder View Post
    Opinions shimnions ... Yard half done. Flooded the blower so going in for a game.
    Welcome back, Ponder

    Glad to see you posting again. I'm not really doing so well myself, but it good to know the forum is still here.

    Take care and know I read what you write.

  8. #8
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    Good to be back and thanks for still being here.

  9. #9
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    Dealing with a Toxic System

    Respectfully, Why I Will Never Again Set Foot Inside Your Office.

    Dear 'Government Worker/NDIS planer',Respectfully, Why I Will Never Again Set Foot Inside Your Office:

    Two points to this dilemma of not being able to come back to your office and losing trust in the very system that claims it's their to support me:

    1. Environment and Lack of Insight.
    2. Conflict of Interest.

    1. Environment and Lack of Insight:
    I feel I was deceptively lead into an Employment Agency via an NDIS planning meeting. As a result, what little 'Trust/Hope' I had - has now been crushed.



    The thing about suicidal tendencies is that you don't really care what authority or power threatens you; although this is a double bind because fear still dictates 24/7. None the less I will not dictated to in order to receive support. I don't need that kind of support. The fact the 'no one' warned me that I would be walking back into an Employment Agency regarding NDIS, and given the particular event that lead to my disability pension ... those facts alone only further validate the insanity that plagues me regardless of what certified labels are pinned on me.
    ________________________

    One of the last times I set foot into a Employment Agency was with a Petrol Can & Rope. This resulted in Police Intervention and being pensioned off. I've been trying not to harp about it ever since. However despite not being arrested, locked up or admitted, those events are still very much alive for me ... and will be for the rest of my life. The permanency of my condition has been validated to your superiors many times.

    Adding to that, that my history is already on record and still no one told me that I would be heading back into an Employment Agency regarding NDIS. Let's just say I am once again bouncing off the walls and have no intention of walking back into your office. Again, the fact that authorities already know about these events, and then makes me fight to get assistance only to have me march back into their oppressive system. I only ask that you think about that. I like you and do not hold these systemic issues against you. I think you are good at your job and hope to see you again ... as agreed.

    2. Conflict of Interest:

    'Government Worker' ( ... a staff member in your office who was at the centre of most recent events regarding the public humiliation I suffered via 'Flourish Australia Hervey Bay' and it's area manger - 'Government Worker' to whom is currently under investigation for discriminatory practices) ... now having moved from his position then with Flourish Australia, now taking on his new role as an NDIS assessor / staff → could not allow allow me to walk in undisturbed but instead decides to say 'Hi Dave ..." On this my wife hits the nail on the head, by suggesting given the history between him, I and Flourish Australia, that ('Government Worker') just had to make his presence known.
    _________________________


    It's important that these background events be taken into consideration rather than just dismiss my feelings and choices as merely reactive and conducive to my 'certified labels.' I'm trying not to focus on my certified symptoms or act purely form a persecutory point of view. (aka victim mentality) What I am outlining here once again is systemic failures and being very forward in why I will not be coming back into your office.

    IMPACT on the day and since:

    Let not my ability to convey from my own space conflict the nature of my disabling traits.

    As you know, my speech was extremely erratic, fast paced to which paved the way for my typical one way babbling. I am aware and now sorry (somewhat ashamed) that me being that way made it very hard for both my wife and you to help and assist. My wife says to me that I impeded your job due to my state, and that this will probably affect the quality of help I would of otherwise received. Hence this is typical of my life these days and why I am seeking such supports.

    Already not doing well before (as specified on my applications, reviews and assessment material) I am now beside myself - once again caring less. I still want to get support because as history, I & others know, I do well when I have it. Especially when not having to continually prove myself and or being oppressed through sheer oversight and systemic imperfection. (When those outcomes our based on my stability and what's best for me rather than job creation.)



    I regret that the start to our meeting has only exacerbated my natural predispositions, yet I wish to continue on this plan to receive help. I wish to make it clear though that I will not participate in a building associated with employment. I was victimized for many years under that system and the events that lead me to exiting play very much into why I will not wiling enter into such buildings. I also say one more time ... I will never comply or enter into goals/aims and agendas based on Job Creation.

    I am sorry for the long email (NDIS Planner), but this is a far better option than me walking back into your office with a petrol can and rope. I beleive I have made my point and done so as mindfully as I could. I need to know that in all this I am well understood. Please pass this important and relevant information onto the NDIS Anchorites. Nothing changes for me as far as I am concerned.



    Please advice of any would be breaches or rejections coming my way due to these here statements. As agreed, I do look forward to you seeing again outside your office and hope we can work together in bringing about stability. Please feel free to contact 'Government Funded Worker' (a long standing physiologist working regular with me for number years) who knows just how well I can do, when I receiving support in a Safe, well Structured and Consistent environment.


    In summery, my dealings with the Government and now your office have been anything but Safe, Structured and Consistent. Once again ... nothing personal to you ('Government Worker/NDIS planer'). You did your best to make calm me down and reassure me. I apologize for my then anxious state as to how we met. I hope this email shows you that I can be so much more. I think your quite genuine and awesome at your job. It really is more about the circumstances, complacency and the Lack of Insight typical to an overwhelming system. It is what it is. I just had to express and make it formal. Please do attach this my NDIS notes this information from my perspective will impact ongoing relations. This kind of thing I will end up sleeping on for weeks and months.

    Thank You ('Government Worker/NDIS planer').



    Yours Sincerely
    Welfare Recipient.






  10. #10
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    I could of just kept rehashing my anxiety attack, but chose to write that instead. The National Disability Scheme should never of fucked with the Mental Illness side of things. They are ill-equipped to do so. From my perspective on the front lines as a once recent active hoop jumper, I can tell you they are making life much harder for those currently certified. For those individuals not diagnosed and slipping through the net ... life is looking more worthless since these welfare reforms have been taking place. Melding these mental health services back into the Grind / Employments services, will only make many of us give up the pre-existing services that we 'were' participating in. In fact they have pulled them ... that is the problem. EARN OR FUCKING LEARN is the chant our system preaches. Big stick mentality. You get the gist. Is how we treat each other ... the value of humans measured in such a way.

    Sadly the monetizing of such supports is paving the way for a more oppressive state. Is what it is. Those unsatisfied with their positions will continue to act as self police... and thus the stigma shame and blame continues. Just as authorities wish it to be. Alas the Face Book Mentality ... the way we all now treat each other.

    Thank God for Open Minds. LOL ... Bit of an In-Joke for ya D.


    To be honest D - I find that place just as toxic as FB ... but my perspective on humanity is quite fragmented. I'm not sure I will be bouncing back this time around. Fuck living this beggar's life. Fuck this world. All that charity and volunteer work ... its still not good enough. FUCK THEM!!! FTW!!!
    Last edited by Ponder; 11-16-2018 at 07:41 PM.

 

 

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