I'm up ... made a post ... time to stretch a go hit the treadmill down at the gym. After that I have meeting with the new mentor again. Still tying to work out the dynamic in that. Old enough to be my daughter. She is smart, I'll give her that. hmmm now I feel another post coming on. Thing although the manager of the local mental health social facility has deterred me from socializing there, I'm still hanging out with a few of the guys. One of them is as young as my youngest son, yet I don't really see him like that at all. Fact is I don't see any of my older kids as kids anymore. Yet there is an element of mentoring that comes from having more experience when we talk on certain topics. I find myself treading lightly when I see things differently when in commiseration - especially when in commiseration. I like the youthful stamina that can keep us laughing in the face of adversity, yet when having endured for as long as I have Vs one who has not ... it's not so much a competition in wisdom ... but more a communication gap ... sometimes a block. I struggle with those unflinching in there hard set ways which is atypical of us older one's ... yet I try not to be. Hmmm ... I find myself stumbled on trying to make a point here.

With respect to the new mentor ... ????? I guess if I can let it be like with my younger 'friend' we should be able to navigate the clinical aspect. I hope she's not wearing that badge again. The badge I will just have to learn to deal with. It does not feel mutual at all with the bade. It advertises her as a service and me as a consumer. Yep ... I just nailed it. In that regard I have never been with a service worker that wares a badge. I don't deal well with advertising in an advertising world. I guess that is why I no longer belong.

Hmmm ... what to do. I want to encourage her as although we have only had a meet and greet, I feel she likes her job. I have already mentioned that badge and asked her not to ware it, but by the end of the meeting (coffee at some coffee place) I thought her to be so polite and well meaning that I actually apologized telling her it was alright to ware it. Now in hindsight I can see how one might think who am I to ask if she would consider not wearing the badge. Well, the fact is, having been in this game as long as I have ... some places actually allow service users not to ware a badge if the client so requests it. (It's stigma related and in some cases the negative impact makes the service invalid)

I think if anything ... and she is still wearing it after our last meeting. I will do will to further explain the above. YET I may not, because I don't want to drag the issue on ... if I am to take it as an opportunity to work on my ego. Also an opportunity to see how much people are looking more form the point of view of young women mentoring older man ... perhaps more an assessment on support Vs mentoring. In some sense I feel I may be losing out on the mentoring aspect to this PHaMS program that came with age - BUT not necessarily. Yes and no. I'll have to reach deep in order to access the elements of hope within the yes. Support ... Yes. This service provider will be coming to the police station with me and likewise appointments.

The fact in all this remains that I am still unable to fit into this society as is. My condition is permanent (more so Society's Condition is Permanent.) so it is that I will mostly likely keep walking with my head down. It's one thing like so in forums like these, but another when going outside. REALITY CHECK ... the urge for my ego to always want to strike back is HUGE ... and those intrusive thoughts can be extremely disabling if I allow them to be. Right now ... I continue working on what works for me. I guess that will be the topic I get to discuss today. I think if she chooses to keep wearing the badge that I will relate to her more as a councilor of sorts rather than a friend. Mentoring is less on the counseling side although still the same. It's hard to make claims that one is not clinical whilst still in need of wearing a badge.

Hmmmm .............. I should get a T-shirt with lard print ← CLIENT / SERVICE USER → I might actually do that.

Time to go to the gym ... GO!!!