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  1. #111
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    Yeah it was such nice surprise to get Pm from John, I am constantly thinking about him, in a good way.
    ''“If you cry because the sun has gone out of your life, your tears will prevent you from seeing the stars.”
    ''
    ― Rabindranath Tagore

  2. #112
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    Struggling ...

  3. #113
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    1. I just found out through online investigations that one of the individuals I testified against at the Royal commission into institutional responses into child sexual abuse, had himself later been utilized by the commission, by way of requesting him to write a report, along the lines of how to better train priests ... Something to that effect. This information can be found online to which my wife intends to iron out later - Right now I am struggling to comprehend how to process at this point. The abuser in question also had dealings with my brother which strikes a raw nerve with me, especially since my brother is now dead; prematurely so.

    2. Factor in Pastor Fullwood ... part of another denomination/establishment, part of another claim already under liquidation and thus; confirmed as abuser → Still has an distinguished award known as the 'Order of Australia.'

    3. Let's also factor in the Primary School (where my brother attended that was associated to the children's home where we were both housed) Principle that was charged with Pedophilia, where I wrote a post that detailed how my wife contacted the courts to inform them this individual had a role within the dept of justice. His position was promptly overturned, yet this latest find regarding an individual I know first hand abused his trust, now being used by the royal commission.

    It's all very overwhelming to sat the least.

    I am unsure as to my next step. It's no longer about $$$ - Major Conflict taking place

    Can you see the pattern of hypocrisy in the above?

    How the hell to I formulate my approach? What do you want is the atypical response. This is beyond a complaint. This feels criminal to me. It's not about what I want ... It's feels like I am being silenced by the very anchorites that claim to be seeking justice.

    Remember when I came back from the Royal Commission and posted about how I never felt like I told my story ... that I actually felt like my concerns were being dismissed and that it was more like I was being lead during the questioning phase? The Commission had a slogan during that time, thanking us for 'telling YOUR story' --- I remember well being my dissatisfaction at being quickly dismissed on all my concerns re the the individual I was accusing had abused not only me but others as well.

    How the fuck they went on to put him in such a position of trust after himself having allegations of child sexual abuse? Like WHAT THE FUCK!!!

    When will this ever fucking end!!!

    SIGHHHHHHH

    I'm sorry D - this shit is still unfinished ... if anything ... the injustice is still quite present ... still happening.

    The reason I have found out this latest new, is because the funds allocated to the children of abuse re Quest Care (the initial home for trouble children) have all but been eaten up in legal fees with loads more victims coming forward now resulting in lack of compensation as establishment sold out as soon as I blew the whistle. The did so in a way that left little funds A hand out will be made, but with statements being made that none of us will be adequately compensated, many of us are now seeking payouts through the National Redress Scheme - which is permissible given the dynamics surrounding said liquidation.

    But fuck it - this latest finding given the unjust nature wound into those 3 points above? Fathom that from my point of view?

    SIGH - WTF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    _________________________________

    Again ... this has to go beyond a complaint. The Pastor Fullwood now being deemed abuser regardless of lack of payout still comes with confirmation of abuse to which we have been waiting for ... any day soon. No matter how small that payout, the real payoff will be having this Order of Australia Removed. But again WTF - The Royal Commission having fobbed my off when testifying against this other abuser whom I KNOW from personal experience we bedding us boys.

    He even later claimed to be an expert on Male Prostitution ... Used it in some dissertation to further his fucking Career and now having been fucking utilized by the Royal commission into institutional responses into child fucking sexual abuse.

    OMFG ...

    ok ok ... I try to settle. Hopefully blowing off some of this steam will help me academically bring into perspective the criminal work going on here. A fucking dissertation ... Pastor Fullwood did the same thing. His work was on how young boys responded to psychical discipline. The abusers experimented on us and were later awarded medals and further positions of trust.

    How can I tell this story? Like I say ... it's far removed from a complaint where the system automatically respond "what would you like us to do?"
    _________________________________________________

    THANK FUCK THIS COUNTRY DOES NOT ALLOW THE SALES OF GUNS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    edit ... just posted this with some more
    incoherent rambling to the PRIME MINISTER AND CABINET ... Pffft and Meh ... No one gives a fuck!!!!!!!
    Last edited by Ponder; 07-02-2018 at 04:14 AM.

  4. #114
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    Perhaps that will put things into perspective. Just linked it with Authorities to give them something to consider. I linked it at a specific point to show my objections re the commissions not hearing my objections in which they will have the minutes to my testominy if they care to fucking see how I attempted to discuss the child molesting Dr David Leary!

    https://youtu.be/CMCzQDFnvJY?t=665

    I did in one video on my mental channel discuss this individual on how he used his position of trust to groom us boys and bed us the way he did. As for my behavior in this video - Just like most things in my life ... I am ashamed of it. That said ... I also think I ought not to be. This my reality just as it was for those that came before me and can no longer talk because those most of them are either dead or just too tired, pacified or just plain too fucked up to even express.

    Better out than in I say. I always said I would save this vid until such a time it was meant to be linked. I'll probably end up with blue coats (now dressed in black like soldiers ) on my door ready to pepper spray me. Story of my life ... another aspect of living in fear.

    Sigh ... I already said how I was tired ... no I am feeling wired. Is hard living with these extremes. Now I feel like who the fuck am I kidding? What the fuck have I been doing? But narrrrrrr ... this shit aint right. Don't let it be about how fucked up I am as the system is quite apt on that delivery. Making us all feel that it's completely and deeply our fault ... always us in need of fixing.

    Righto ... I sign out and wait the fall out ... check my next appointment to see a professional.

    Well what da ya know ... in two days time. I think I best break down and cry. A fucking long time overdue. I feel like crying when my brother died ... that's how I truly feel.

    People in here wonder why I speak so harshly about society ... why I am so cynical. SIIIIIIIIIGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

    I wonder why - perhaps he'll die. Goes the chime of one child's book.

    I will have to stop dry reaching eventually. Talk about double bind to the max.

    I don't mean to pull a reply out of you D - but do you think I have the capacity to pull through this latest drama?

    Two more days until I see my therapist. I see what I can do. Fuck any of your run of the mill mental health moderators. Why the fuck do I feel like someone is itching to silence me in my most desperate time of need to express like i did back in 2014. Most government and institutional minded groups do not allow such exposing.

    Trigger - reality ... Australian Government Agency designed to assist victims of child abuse elect a perverted child molester to come up with solutions.

    Talk about vulnerability shall we?

    Adios ... until next fucking post.

  5. #115
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    Ohio
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    Nothing wrong with a good cry!! It does not mean you are weak or girlish .... If anyone says any different i'll kick the shit out them!!!!
    " it is better to keep ones mouth shut and be thought a fool than to open it and remove all doubt ", Mark Twain.

  6. #116
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    Hey John. Thx for the support. Means a lot.

  7. #117
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    Last edited by Ponder; 07-02-2018 at 06:07 AM.

  8. #118
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    Thank you Ponder. I read your last 2 replies to me and I appreciate it very much. Reading everything and catching up.

    Couldn't figure out how to multi-quote your post(s) today in reference to me or I would. Can't think clear enough. Just want to say I appreciate everything you wrote in 2 other threads and in here. Today was the first day I was able to even think clear enough to get on the keyboard. Avoiding everything and everybody. Sometimes have to when in that state of mind.

    Used to be able to cry and somewhere and some point I stopped crying and keep things bottled up inside now until I feel explode or implode sometimes. Was a good release and felt better. Sometime when I feel sadness (almost always do) just go totally numb. Hurts inside to hold back emotion. With me, it seems to start with hurt, then to heart pounding and burning anger, then to no emotion and numb. Not good. Hurts physically.

  9. #119
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    Your welcome Sal. You keep this place alive for me. TY.

    I'm still struggling massively this morning. My wife refused me meds last night. I kind of grateful she did, although last night I had a new appreciation for them. Still debating whether to go see my GP about the PTS spike. I'm feeling as corrupted as I was feeling in the vid I linked above BUT ... I have this space here.

    I mean seriously ... we are so fortunate to have this space to do as we please. We may as well use it to do breathe as we will. Truly most mental health places do not let people speak out the way we have up till now been permitted in here. Touch wood we can still do so in the foreseeable future.

    OK - Time for my walk.

    ____________________________

    Thanks again Sal for being here as too reaching out in your other thread. Same to you D and also hope work sailed on by John.

    Adios until next post.

  10. #120
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    Setting Goals to Get Through My Day.

    1. Just do some Chores - There's plenty form which to choose. Start in you room where you sleep - DAVE! that's right I'm talking to you!

    2. Eat Something Healthy - that works for YOU!

    3. Pat yourself on the back for getting out the door, doing laps and greeting the Sun

    4. Once you get some of your shit out of the way ... have a shower and a shave.

    5. Then start working on what you must.

    6. Be sure to take brakes.

    7. Mow The Lawn

    8. Play some Games

    9. Work on what you must.
    __________________________________________________ _____________

 

 

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