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  1. #161
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    D - I respond soon ... damn ... always crossing posts. as soon as I get back I load back up and make a post.

    THANKs D - : ) Yes your tellings re your own relationship have helped me very much; now and in the past.

    To take the edge off would indeed be very helpful but is plagued with all kinds of issues with going to ask. Especially with my background. I don't do well under such scrutiny. Whilst some professionals have hearts, most are too conditioned just like the rest of them. Especially in the welfare sector. Is what that is. Tomorrow I am kick starting what normally works for me. Mondays are always a good time to get back up.

    Additionally if I can hang on the edge for a little longer ... I will be better situated into turning all the extra angst into more motivation. Bit like the treadmill rages, I used to post about, regarding pushing through the wall when making comebacks into my fitness routine.

    I HOPE YOU GET A NICE SHINY COMPUTER THAT MAKES YOU HAPPY.
    __________________________________________________ ____________________________________________

    Me Stop? lol ... You know that last thread of mine where I was triggered like so - made 100+ pages. This one is only on 17. [ The age I was when laying next to Leary - I have not touched on what I sensed from him whilst laying there all rigid like looking any place but him! Fuck this shit!!!! I don't fucking care if I was 17 ... what I fucking was ... was a vulnerable and homeless kid ... old enough to register as such with the fucking St Francis Social Services ... MY NAME WAS DAVID LEE My Brother Daniel David Lee - GOD FUCKING DAMN YOU CUNTS !!!! ] I've decided to just draft online going back over previous posts re-titling and editing along the way. This will make for easier reference. In fact I have been saving to disk along the way. Re-editing and adding in existing posts also reduces the number of posts per day. I don't like that side bar setup in this forum layout with multiple posting overlaying other threads. Not good re my compulsive tendencies at this time. It seems to be working for me as I am now seeing that layout even back out.

    My Next Mussing I draft out will be something in line with this:
    Vulnerability, Connectivity and the Development of Resilience in Marginalised Adolescent Males who engage in Street-Based Sex Work:
    David’s primary degree was in theology and philosophy (BTh). He holds a masters degree in counselling (MCouns, Faculty Medal), and a doctorate (PhD, Counselling) which focused on vulnerability, connectivity and the development of resilience in marginalised adolescent males who engage in street-based sex work.
    I am yet to read Leary's dissertation on the subject of male prostitution however in the mean time I have found this really interesting article:


    Sexual Abuse: Where the Church Erred


    Let’s look at the Commission’s own statistics.


    • Of the 4444 complainants, 78 per cent of complainants were male, with an average age of around eleven years at the time of the alleged abuse.[2]

    Working on my response at the linked blog above -
    My brother Daniel was 11 at the time he was attending St Edmund's Primary School. One of the principles of that school who was charged with pedophilia (details to the acts unknown) was working in the Justice Dept around that time. I found this out whilst investigating abuses against myself as well as other children who came forward in an online whistle blowing thread. I was motivated by my brothers passive suicide in 2014. My wife rang to have this man removed from his position and bla bla *&^% bla ...



    • 90 per cent of the perpetrators were male, and were most likely to be clergy or religious.[3]
      Pastor Frank Fullwood although not related to the catholic church has been validated as abuser with payouts pending. Thanks to the courage of those that came forward and my own outrage we saw to it that that *&^%ing organisation was eradicated!
      Dr David Leary OFM - It was my brother who fits the prime statistic for age 11 who had the privilege to of attending at the same school with those *&^%ing pedophiles that told me how leary would give me a bed for the night to give me a break from sleeping in the street. You can read the draft on that musing over here → GOD DAMN IT D >>> I have to pay 60+ $ to subscribe and leave a comment. I'm probably not polished enough to be heard there at any rate.

      It's crazy to see how Leary was used in all this. A Catholic
      apologist used by the commission who is interestingly referred to again in this blog and just about everywhere else in relation to defending and advising. Am I wrong to be harping on about his place in all this? I could care less about my being 17 at the time he had me in his bed. Yet another calling card - Sums up the question of 'Did He Touch You?' as in being accepted practice for sleeping with vulnerable teens - as long as you don't touch them? Forget about the psychology in the grooming process and the deception of utilizing homeless kids from a child service agency run by the Foundation of St Francis Social Services - where Leary was entrusted as youth worker and director.

      Taking a break ... am I making any kind of point???? BRB - GRRRRRR is hard to keep perspective. I need to keep rehashing and polishing ... I'll get to Leary's point of Defense re the Homophobic side of things. Whilst I have no issue with Gay Rights - IMO he has no right to be acting so innocent in all this. I want him to understand what he did was wrong! I want the public to know the truth about his role, the negative effects of taking advantage of vulnerable kids. You see me as strong and resilient ... pffft ... I have tried explaining the conflict that took place in me .. the humiliation and shame that I fucking went through ... and now with hindsight regarding my brother and all the others most of whom a (*&%ing DEAD!

      BRB
    Last edited by Ponder; 07-08-2018 at 05:25 AM.

  2. #162
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    You fucking cunts!!!

  3. #163
    Reading your posts just makes me well up so much. It's so not fair how our experiences so significantly ruined our lives.

    I remember listening to a broadcast on ABC a decade or so ago about Wacol and they brought up June and her claim to fame publishing a book of poetry about the experience. I kept having panic attacks for a while after that. So Michael escaped overseas? Hrmph!

    Doesn't surprise me about Leary, as Mark Eustance from the Professional Standards Office of the Catholic Church in Qld even came forward before the Commission and acknowledged he had no confidence in the process for victims (and through a candid convo directed me away from Towards Healing to Bravehearts).

    When was your brother Daniel at St Edmunds, I might have been there at the same time? I have plenty of detail on the Principal there. Did you also know it was going on at St Peter Claver College? A family that were leaders on the P&F there were given the top job at Pellegrini's Books were all perpetrators, father and mother and two sons. I wonder if they got the top job as a reward for their behaviours?

  4. #164
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    My experiences in this area was different that yours but not less damaging. What happened in my childhood unfortunately made me paranoiac, fearful, non-trusting, nightmares, difficult person, anxiety from early childhood, depression, all this was met and denied by my family........... So here I am, understanding what you went through, not to this fucken extend but damaging as hell...... I do believe the death will come and relieve us. finally
    It is difficult to read D. what you are going through, what happened and how difficult it is let it go, I do not know how to let go of this, I wish you could have some relieve.........everyone
    actually I am reading and crying, At least I can still cry .
    ''“If you cry because the sun has gone out of your life, your tears will prevent you from seeing the stars.”
    ''
    ― Rabindranath Tagore

  5. #165
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    edit .. just saw you post ... keep missing the boat. Thank You D - I will somehow pull though this ... Thank You D. Talk in the morning to find some hope. Ty also Rosspark
    __________________________________________________ __________

    SIGH ... so glad your here. Srry about the roller coaster in the thread. Just been skimming over Bravehearts Position Statement. Thanks for dropping the name Bravehearts.

    I mean not to dismiss the abuse when I refer to these abusers as victims themselves. Yes June fucked us kids up in many ways. I'm trying to go down the track of forgiveness. I know that probably sounds crazy given I am once again yelling and screaming feeling all kinds of rage.

    Danny was there in around 82, maybe a little earlier as he went before me. I can't remember how long - My brain is all mush now. I can't even remember the DOB of my kids, wife or much else ... let alone what day it is. It's hard living like that. People just don''t get it ... but I do when I see others in the street going thought the same thing. If anything it's becoming more common place.

    The man charged with pedophilia related to St Edmund's school I don't beleive was there at the same time as Danny. What raised concerns for me is the prolific nature at which this disease of exploiting kids has and seems to be as the case was with Pastor Frank Fullwood and my own experience with Leary. Connecting the dots is not hard to see that the probability ... and again ... look at those commission statistics I began to share ... I tell you not for attention ... but factually so, that if I did not have such a strong calling to be here for my family I would check out of this miserable life. Not to worry ... I take strength in your being here as well as my other online friends. None the less ... sigh ...

    I don't care about the money! I just tried pleading with one of the places attached to Leary ... wanting them to take that claim as a statement. All I want is for Leary to face me and tell me his side of the story. Give him a chance to deny me without the courts. OR a chance to say sorry. WHY ... why? There is no way in hell that I knew what I was doing. If my mind is so unsound that they took my name off the compulsory voting list re advice from clinical psychologist ... then how was it I knew what I was doing back then? At any rate ... if you cant vote at age 17, then why would some homeless kid who grew up in a one horse town know any better. Add to that I only found out about there being one bed when I arrived at his home. It's just BS is what it is. Seriously what the fuck was he doing offering his home up to us kids?

    This whole thing about him being used to defend and act like some kind of saint in the face of what's taken place ... that shit is the core of why I say I feel so on edge re checking out. Again ... I work on my breathing ... but to keep living like this?
    _______

    Lord Heavenly Father ... you know why I doubt you so
    You know how far this deception goes
    You know - that they know
    they know - that they know.

    I cling to life so that my children will know
    that they will know - you know
    and when they see as much,
    you will then know - why they doubt thee.
    _______

    In your Name they tell us to COMEIN
    a centre for us vulnerable kids
    You know how much I worshiped you
    how does that make you feel -
    to know that in your name
    they abused us kids.

    ___

    How can I -
    'all alone',
    find the strength -
    ... to forgive.



    __________________________________________________ __________________________________________________ __________________



    Alone? marginalized? I will find out the answer to this poem and no matter how fractured my ideals, or perception to this fallacy. If your establishment requires me to be on my knees, then I do so regardless of my yelling and screaming. I DON'T WANT YOUR MONEY!!! - I just want for someone who stands behind thee - to open up and listen to me.

    In Your Name - Do You Hear Me?
    Last edited by Ponder; 07-08-2018 at 01:51 PM.

  6. #166
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    Ponder my good man..

    Been reading. Makes me well up as well.

    I'm truly sorry, I have not words to help. This posting breaks my heart in many ways.

    I'll try. Also including myself on this. The damage mentally that religion cause starting from childhood is enormous. As hard as I try to be this logical person, religion is power and money, and nothing else, still struggle myself. Because the damaging teachings stick and become a part of us. Religion makes me worse but faith helps me. Makes no sense, but is me, maybe what I came up with to make sense of what haunts me still to this day, best way I can say right now in this state of mind.

    Maybe this..

    If there is a God, not the God that was used in vain for money and power and abuse, the loving God, I chose to believe (with serious feelings of doubt most of the time), this entity/source of energy (notice I just seem unable say person/being, I simply don't believe this); that God would want us to be healthy and prosper. I do believe God heard that prayer above because other members here and myself also head/read it and feel love in our hearts. Wasn't is LOVE that brought us to religion?! I know I searched for answers to why I was born gay and and abomination to God (something God Hates) and I did get my answers (I feel), yet somehow I still feel love in my heart. Don't even know where there is room with all the hurt that occupies it. Recall I say here, I avoid my family, it is because of this reason. They are religious fanatics. They hut me without even realizing it now. They are elderly and I avoid them for both our sake.

    How long is healing process, don't know because I don't believe I will (fully) heal myself before my time is up on whatever this existence is. I say this because I'm still unsure myself.

    Please, please, please, don't think I'm preaching. Just saying what helps me make some sense of what I was taught that seems too powerful to just chalk up to childhood storytelling. I worry my words will fail you and I will fail you. This is why I haven't PMd you. I have always failed my friends and I keep people at a distance now. People always told me they wound up hurt when getting close to me. I never intended it. Intentions were good. I'm in no shape for close personal friendship at this point admittedly.

    I like to read here and see you doing well. I want you to heal from the damage you suffered.
    Last edited by salvator here; 07-08-2018 at 10:30 AM. Reason: Final Edit!!

  7. #167
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    Medication could be temporary for you, to get you stable during this rough period. Maybe don't look at it as going full circle again. We are smart and know our own bodies. You know.

    My first though was also a benzo. Could help on short term if you can get. I can not. Doctors here are hesitant now. War on drugs is bad here now.

  8. #168
    Dear Ponder,

    Like for Salvator, your post breaks my heart slowly, so I’m sharing the following with you:
    Goodbye suicide
    Wipe the tears down from your eyes
    Take my hand
    Hold back pride – goodbye suicide

    Goodbye suicide
    Not for real but for this life
    Au-revoir
    Auf-wiedersein – goodbye suicide

    Goodbye suicide
    Never thought I'd tell a lie
    See you later
    Sayonara – goodbye suicide

    Goodbye suicide
    Beautiful to be so kind
    Forever been
    But never seen – goodbye suicide

    If the ending fits the words
    If you struggle to be heard
    You can only try so hard
    You can only try so fucking hard

    So goodbye suicide
    Innocence is not a crime
    Hold back fear
    Don't let it near – goodbye suicide

  9. #169
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    You guys are awesome. Dahila you remind me that although our experiences are never the same, all is not lost when we are able to come gather together and share as we must. Yes at times it can be hard to read & or type, but it's in the doing that we are better able to hold back the fear.

    ... rosspark comes to the rescue for us with that Awesome Poem! Sal - your words Never Ever fail. There is no such things as fail for people like us. It may seem that way for a large part of the time but in the END - Peace will Come. I'm with D on this.

    That was a major share Sal. I know pride can be a stumbling block, but I have to say I am proud of you. I hear the necessity for humility in rossparks's poem. Truly heart felt and inspirational.

    For now I am just doing what I feel I was born to do. All my life I have had to call out, and If I never made the effort to do as I do, then we would not be making these gains. Sal I would go through this all again if only to read what you just said. They say fail is for always in learning, and no next opportunity with end being effort never dies. That kind of sounds hopeful but I still see it more like this: I am for ever unlearning, looking for now and hopeful that an end is in sight.

    Never be afraid to keep reaching. There is nothing wrong wishing for an end. The romance that's rife in our community the preaches striving & improving is as damaging as it is healing. (we in the community are getting tired of these expectations!) I hear what your saying rosspack and there's beauty in those words - humility I know ... so too the humiliation. (others in the community are reading this - those that need to know)

    I take in your words ... but now is not the time for me to give in. I will however in light of what you have said ...work towards with my words.

    Priceless Sal ... Priceless! We must feel what we feel otherwise it will never end. Keep posting man. I love it when you post like that! Your post was as awesome as rossparks's poem. Dahila - you nail it with your version of peace. I totally agree. I do best when I reach that state between the bouts of pain. It can be done and it's a beautiful place to be. We don't need figments nor fallacy ... That power Sal - exists within. You just touched it in your last post and I for one am always - ALWAYS ... filled with hope when ever I see you post no matter what you say!

    Absolute GOODBYE SUICIDE but look out ... HERE I COME!
    Last edited by Ponder; 07-08-2018 at 05:49 PM.

  10. #170
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    Good session with psychiatrist. He prescribed taking a break.

    Thx again to rosspark, D & Sal ... u 2 John

    I'll be back in due course.

 

 

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