How to Feed Our Demons - The Mental Health Approach -

[Ponder]

At the hospital playing with my phone whilst waiting. Whilst smart phones are a long way off optical zoom without all the attachments which again I prefer not to drag around (and sensor size very small) they are still extremely practical for high quality well lit images as well as descriete!



Wow ... one of the catering shops has waitress walking around offering an awesome bacon wrap. I said no, although was hard to resist. Unfortunately the food here at the hospital is lacking in fruits and veggies.

Damn it! Just walked up to me and offered me a hot choclate in a mini cup. I was too weak this time and caved in. One moment while I savour it for a split second!

Arrrr ... I better get and go for a walk. Walls are starting to squeeze on in.

[Ponder]

Speaking of sore throats ... it's been a couple of days now and my throat is fucking sore as!!! (does not help being a mouth breather Grrrrr → damn nose gets clogged up easy) Thankfully I don't need to resort taking pills up my ass seeing as I don't take any. rofl. Been there done that - fuck I was in dire straits then.

I wont go on about the other symptoms. Just glad to be back home although now everyone wants me and my trailer. I will do my best to put on a brave face and who knows, I might start to heal.

In the mean time I am struggling on how to get my routine back on board. 1st things 1st ... need to get physically well. Then I will be more able to right my boats. I was going to say 'then things will fall into place' but not sure it kind of happens like that for those of us frequenting these likewise forums. Hard work keeping stable as is.

Hmmmmmmm - I must be missing my doses of PC gaming. Now there's a thought!!!


Edit ... Making a for quick moves now - The way my throat is now makes me feel like that guy bellow. I'm a cranky bastard when I get sick; but more like mummy's boy really.

[Ponder]

Time to unwind.

[Ponder]

Well that was interesting. Ended up going to hospital around 2am my time. Have been struggling since Saturday night when I went to the big smoke to visit my son. Not sure how it happened, but I have been struggling with a throat infection that's now spread into one of my ears. Swallowing is painful and when I breathe in the back of my throat feels like it's burning. I did end up helping my a few people with my trailer but ended up making my condition worse. I have not slept properly in days now. Today I do have a doctors appointment but it was actually for something else. A letter I need. I guess it will be a long appointment; or not.

Man ... it's great we have public hospitals here, but it really sucks how they treat people. I was totally ignored at the triage window and then so too was this other fella. I eventually got up to ask about home call doctors (figuring I did not have the capacity to be treated like a sub species) Sadly they too smiled at me like the did the gentleman's frustration before me. I ended up pointing this out to them only to end up advising the nurse that she now presented me with her own sardonic smile. Basically ended up telling them I would come back when I could no longer breathe. but arrrrrrrrr ... let's not be cynical now.

3:21am and counting ... will sip some chamomile and honey. Hopefully I can get in a nap or two before my docs appointment later on. Thankfully I got someone coming with me to that one. Gagging, reflux, throat & ear infection all in one. If I walked into a dusty room I reckon I would keel over in a choking fit. Last time that happened they pegged me as psychosomatic. Now that was a full on humiliating experience whilst being the sickest I had ever been. Looking after the old esophagitis is a bit of a priority for me. I think I will allow myself a few EEEErrrrrrrrrrrrrs ... sip my tea and huddle down with somthing on Netflix.


One more ... EEErrrrrrrrrrrrrrr ... lol hehe ... even hurts to smile ... but mine feels much warmer than that nurse's at the triage window.

Adios
Until next post.

[Ponder]

Started the repair job on the lap top my son burnt out. To be fair I made it work hard myself. Hopefully by some kind of magic once I put it all back together, all the kings horses and men will sing again.



There's like 20 more screws in the tea cup. Bugger if I can remember where all the short one's go. Least of my problems judging by the marks on the case heat shielding there. That said - the actual board looks pretty good.

[Ponder]

Up and down again BUT thanks to my wife's drugs (doctor no help at all) I might be on the mend. I still not have had a nights sleep since Saturday and it's now Thursday morning. I took endome or endep ... whatever it was it helped.

I am very frustrated with my GP but they know I don't handle meds well, so I think it's more about me. Its is sad that people can't just access the drug store for things as simple as panadene forte anymore. That used to help me through nights similar to what I've been going through.

Helping a DV victim currently sleeping on floor with child today. It might break my recovery, but since my wife and I are only volunteers in the area with criminal history checks down ... it's up to us. I like helping ... just wish we had more people to help.

I best get back to sleep. I have been an ass hole this last week but today want to remind myself why I'm doing this work in the first place.

Best get some more sleep. Zzzzzzzzzzz

[Ponder]

Still feeling like shit but when out to do what I had to do:

I won't participate on an employment level; but I will help those in need out.

My voluntary Work: Self Directed but under another organisation whose goals - 'thus far' - are similar to my own.



We did a couple of loads + filled the car up each time. It took a while because we had to travel to an adjacent town. I pay for all my petrol, ware and tare and so on. I consider it an investment in doing things I like to do. Helping others out. Most of the donations come via Facebook. It's a good system as we work in connection with an organisation that utilizes volunteers such as myself to assist those most in need. What's even better is that it's NOT church based! I admire that fact a lot.

By days end the occupant that once had nothing but a mattress in an empty house now has pretty much everything she needs. We ended up buying a little more as it was a cold house and figured a heater would be a good addition. Other items not included in the trailer was a microwave, kettle, toaster, Food Hamper, Toiletries, Towels, Bed Lignin, Rug, Kids Games, Wall Pictures, Flowers ... more than I can remember actually. I took over a Queens size bed and mattress, Single Bed and Mattress, Dinning Table, Chairs, Lounge, coffee Table, Bed side tables, TV Stand, TV - DVD player ... bla bla and bla ...

I'm always amazed at how much we are able to collect thanks to all those who donate to us. In that regard I can't knock Facebook. Generally I care less of it, but I guess it does have it's perks. At the end of the job my wife will take photos. I generally care less for this part of the show (despite like taking photos) ... I struggle with the whole show boating feel that goes to it. It's kind of set up like one of those Reality TV shows ... but for the disadvantage kind of thing. I accept that the photos are used more to SELL the concept to those donating ... BUT ... I still struggle with air of expectation that might be places on some of the donations kind of thing. We have run our own charity group and been part of more than just a few and this aspect of expectations and judgment place upon those receiving more often than not detracts from the essence of compassion in my book. Me being homeless for a large portion of my younger life ... (most of it before I met my wife) ... no doubt plays into my apprehension with all the show boating.

For instance ... why set up a dinning table for 6 or 8 when your only helping a mother and child out? I questioned my wife today on this ... but meaning not to disrupt her attempt to follow protocol as the Charity Overseers require photos of the set up house. I proposed to think for a moment like → "Imagine your a mother with a child sleeping on the floor in a bare cold house. You then come home after the day out to find this wonderful transformation - BUT you then see the elaborate display at the dinner table with all the brand new glassware, fine plates and shiny cutlery; only to then ponder just how much of a contrast it is to see so many places set when there's only just yourself with your dependent of course. That contrast in light of having lived so low would in my opinion be more prone to highlight a sense of loneliness?"

Anyways - I figured it would make more sense to set the table only for those occupying the place. Yes make it all nice and fancy with a few quotes ... whatever. Even the quotes I find questionable. Unfortunately it does come down to the selling of the idea. I just tend to get touching about the whole thing as the other side of the coin is also creating that welfare mentality. The latter is not so easy and more often than not more a term to flog the poor rather than address poor ideals. Yea ... it is a good feeling helping people out. I kind of wish I could be there to see how they feel [we are not allowed to know the occupants at all], but then again ... my wife and I have been recipients many times in our own past to receiving likewise help. I must admit I've shed a tear being given Xmas presents for my kids once or twice through the Smith Family. They also sent a few things during the year for the kids schooling. Fact is ... there will always be those who disrespect the help or the gratitude is soon forgot. I get that ... and that's OK ... because I go still go through that with my own kids.

I don't care for the label - 'Enable' - I get it ... but I don't like how hard liners use it ... like they do that term 'welfare mentality' ... just to flog, shame and blame those who are slow learning. My youngest daughter ... mum to my grandson has many issues like me. I'll enable her to cope as long as she need. I do pull back on occasion - but I will be fucked if I will adopt that hard line attitude that preaches terms like "enable & welfare attitudes" ... Again I understand the caution that comes with such terms ... but not from the masses that give with expectations.

Nevertheless ... I am learning to take the bad with the good ... but just do what I can to deliver the Goods!
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Excuse the rant ... was a big day doing all that with a trailer and still being sick.

I sold a couple of WII U Games today. Now going to treat myself to some Steam DLC. All that train watching in the big smoke has made me take a dive into Train Simulator 2018. I think I will purchase a couple of new routes.

Other than that ... I think one more night on the endome and I should be right as rain in the morning. At least able to swallow without a grimace.

Righto ... time to check the Steam Store.

If your struggling ... find something you like doing. Also remember what you like doing does not always require you to be happy. I find that fact also helps.

Adios ... until next post!

[Ponder]

Steam Sales are on again. I ended up buying an add-on for Railworks Train Simulator - 2018. Loving that game. Staring to get better at it.

Felling better now. I think I am over my bout of the virus.

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Have to get my paper work ready for the Psychiatrist. Need to keep focused on why I am going rather than give into all that stigma so many white coats ooze with. They can be extremely narrow minded when it comes to alternative methods. The tend to struggle reading the mentally challenge when they are not on meds. Guess I will have to make this guy work for his money for a change. Tick and Flick will not be so easy with me. That also means I am going to have to work for my intention as well. It goes both ways I guess. Thankfully there will be no prodding in the sense of forced compliance. This arrangement is rather mutual between myself, my psychologist and general practitioner. The question is ... while this white coats be when he meets me?

I'm going to have to work on that ... lest I attract my own nervous energy.

We shall see.

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz One more day before the meet.

[Ponder]

OK - just a journal entry and some pep for the anxious meeting ahead.

I have time for a solid walk ... a little healthy breakfast and then get some of my evidence / historical background ready. Damn if I do focus on that and Damned if I don't when it comes to tick and flick.

SAL - Thinking of you as well as I remember you saying Monday was a big deal for you as well. Not sure where you are again ... U-S-A? ... if so Monday is already here for me with you soon waking up to it.

Good luck either way ... remember to focus on the light that IS making it's way through the crack! Re the pros in your medication reduction. Not sure if you read in my other post. Dose not have to be that .. just more meaning find something to start with in your session...to keep you focused more on working towards rather than that black hole that keeps us pegged.

For me ... hmmmm ... I try to find time when I get back to find a topic in where I should start re my own session today.

For now I get out the door and grab me some sun.

Back soon enough.

Just wanted to say I am thinking of you too.

[Ponder]

PHEWWWWW - Quick Journal entry. Man oh man. I am so glad that session is over. I finally met a psychiatrist that actually listened. I'd love to go into details of how things seemingly went right but I am kind of exhausted as the build up to that meeting has been long and intense. I do feel I sensed a genuine tone in his voice when he expressed he enjoyed my transparency. I was like a race horse out of the gate once I had convinced him that I would need at least 5 minutes uninterrupted to outline my most concerning thoughts, what I was hoping to get from our meeting and then lead into my introduction concerning the main points as to why I was refereed by my psychologist and GP.

I was accompanied by my mentor whose role on this day was then support person. My wife waited in another room up until I had delivered my opening speech and started to deal with the core of referral. At that point I felt I was OK to continue with this professional to whom I typically refer in here; as white coats. My support person took a seat in the waiting room once my wife came in.

The inclusion of support person not only helped to alleviate my anxiety and help keep me on track, but also consolidated my current supports lending a sense of genuine and validity to my case. So too also having my wife by my side when appropriate to the information being sort. I knew these elements of support would be favorable in as much as my past and present compliance with utilizing and sourcing available supports. In this planning I also note, I had more than enough historical data ready to pass on without the need for copying, but it was all relevant and straight to the point. This latter element of evidence was the last part of my 5 minute introduction.

During the entirety of the session the whole issue of alternative practices and being non medicated was also seemingly acceptable. I advised the man that he already sees my youngest daughter and that he would do well to understand the bigger picture as since I stared getting therapy there are now 3 of us seeing the same therapist other than him + my eldest daughter who sees another. We talked about the need to constantly prove one's illness in order to justify receiving help when welfare dependent. As well as the negative impact mostly being staying unwell due to clinging/identifying to labels, symptoms and so on ... I also highlighted the good in peer based operations now starting to pop in various parts of the community where impaired individuals are helping others as well as them self. Basically talking about individuals that severely affected where they can no longer work, yet are provided with a place of acceptance and opportunity to be seen and see themselves in a confident and competent light.

Hmmmm ... I am waffling on ... but is OK ... it is good to reflect so I can better learn to influence where needed when working against stigma in my dealings of these crucial meetings where outcomes can weigh greatly on Societal Expectations! Now I am really getting concise with my words as there is really so much BS in the system that ties that hand of both clients and practitioners when it comes to that proving of one's condition re jobless justification. If I had it in me ... I could write a book on the deception that is played into such buffering - herding of the sheep. Part of that was in my 5 minutes as well. It was important to get the BS out of the way. I'm already on a disability pension - but the question could be from his perception is it under threat as to how much of a ploy am I building my own case. Me the professional doll bludger - AKA Welfare professional. I played all the cards on the table because I am super sensitive to all that scrutinizing many of these 'professionals' find themselves in when it comes to the drafting gates. (separating the sheep) It's not personal ... it's just the system. When I get frustrated I can tend to make it personal ... but thankfully I prepped well for the meeting and it went well all things considered.
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I think I covered the gist of the meet well enough. If there is anything I can pass on to these type of sessions whether they be psychotherapy, assessments, reviews and or diagnosing/es, is to work out when your just jumping hoops or when it's a good time to go all out and take control of the hoop. Having support really helps. In most cases with welfare dependent types where you wind up with cereal packet doctors or simply over worked / overwhelmed professionals they can quickly redirect your own aims by either direct dismissal if they see your struggling to keep focus, too depressed to stay the course or even know what you want. It's a dog eat dog world out there that's designed to keep people from defending themselves. I know that sounds hard core but beleive me when I say that's the fucking truth of the matter. If your not paying TOP $$$ and don't have the support and or backing of a long drawn out tooth and nail case ... the system is designed to see you fail until which point you either end up in hospital (where everyone ends up in our modern system) or you give up.

That's the so called beauty of our complex system. It's why it has become as complex and competitive as it has.

It's a fucking mess and I am getting fucking sick of having to prove a point ... none the less ... I think I might just be able to pull of my latest case.
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The crux of things ... in my 5 minute intro during that meeting ... the energy behind my concerns:

Welfare reforms are taking a major change in this country and most people are missing it. Many of the mental health service are currently changing hands whilst there is a transition in agencies. The National Disability Insurance Scheme originally proposed for psychical and neurological impairments have taking now mental illness. Unfortunately they are making this transition of pulling away vital services without proper mental health insights/ knowledge whereby those of us now being rejected by this new agency are soon to find ourselves without supports. During the rejection process many people are losing their current pensions/benefits. There is a deceptive review process taking place without individuals realizing the real agenda of what's going on.

I'm not happy about it by a long shot. The psychiatrist not only found my transparency to be genuine, but also intriguing as he opened up to me about the negative effects he has also been seeing with many of his patients loosing their benefits with new societal expectation back on them leaving many derailed without an ounce of hope. Back to square one and in many cases worse off.

Fucking Welfare Reforms. I'm prepping for a heartless society as already endured in the United States. They have been trying hard here in this country to stave off such chaos ... but this recent move regarding welfare within the mental health sector means a LOT of instability ahead.

There are a LOT of services selling themselves over to this new agency which advocates how it's helping the mentally affected but the truth is ... there is a massive thinning taking place. So it is that this is what I am prepping for ... constant appealing. Eventually there will come a time where I will either decide ... hmmm ... well ...

What can I say ... I really don't want to go there. I let the whole petrol can and rope episode slip out and saw immediately what looked like bias take expression on the psychs face. He is only human. I did tell him that I am getting fucking sick of this shit and just want my fucking space to keep my lid on. Went into how that is my contribution to society whether they like it or not. He seemed to understand that I did not want to explode ... I carefully brought the energy back into a state of recovery and focused on strength based language to consolidate my capacity for compliance despite the BS in which all of us must live ... and play our parts.

What a fucking post tonight ... put it all out on a limb I say. I really am getting tired of all this shit.

At least thus far its still mutual. The handcuffs are still there to be sure ... but much better than the biting kind made of metal. Somehow the way things are going ... prisons are about to become more lucrative. ... as the saying goes:

That's another story.

Adios ... until next post.