Scared Of A Relapse!

[toughbird]

Came back from my GP appointment this morning. It was the final medication review before I finally come off medication for good.

GP is happy with my progress. I appear to be more stable and recovering well with my depression and anxiety.

It's my decision to come off medication as I have been on Citalopram for one year and two months now. The longest time I have managed to stay on this medication. From 30mg to now 10mg.

GP has advised to spend the next two weeks taking medication for two days and then not take any on the third day. To repeat this pattern for two weeks. Then week 3 and week 4 - take meds on one day and then none for second day. To repeat this pattern until end of week four.

I have had depression and anxiety for a long time. I think since the age of 9. Been on and off Citalopram since 2009. But this time I have managed to stay on them for this length of time.

I'm happy I am on the last step towards recovery. But I have a strong feeling these next four weeks are going to be the most difficult part. 1) it might be feeling cold turkey as my body will need to adjust coming off medication for good 2) I may experience side effects.

I am worried in case I have a relapse. I'm scared I will fall apart. I'm scared of myself in case I lose control and end up back to square one.

Then I get angry with myself thinking of those who have used and abused me. I get angry for allowing myself being put in these situations. Which just ends up making me feel more low.

It's like I am my own worse enemy. I won't allow myself to get better. Like I deserve to rot and that I deserve to remain in this black hole.

[RoadToRecovery]

Came back from my GP appointment this morning. It was the final medication review before I finally come off medication for good.

GP is happy with my progress. I appear to be more stable and recovering well with my depression and anxiety.

It's my decision to come off medication as I have been on Citalopram for one year and two months now. The longest time I have managed to stay on this medication. From 30mg to now 10mg.

GP has advised to spend the next two weeks taking medication for two days and then not take any on the third day. To repeat this pattern for two weeks. Then week 3 and week 4 - take meds on one day and then none for second day. To repeat this pattern until end of week four.

I have had depression and anxiety for a long time. I think since the age of 9. Been on and off Citalopram since 2009. But this time I have managed to stay on them for this length of time.

I'm happy I am on the last step towards recovery. But I have a strong feeling these next four weeks are going to be the most difficult part. 1) it might be feeling cold turkey as my body will need to adjust coming off medication for good 2) I may experience side effects.

I am worried in case I have a relapse. I'm scared I will fall apart. I'm scared of myself in case I lose control and end up back to square one.

Then I get angry with myself thinking of those who have used and abused me. I get angry for allowing myself being put in these situations. Which just ends up making me feel more low.

It's like I am my own worse enemy. I won't allow myself to get better. Like I deserve to rot and that I deserve to remain in this black hole.

Hi Toughbird. Congratulations on weaning yourself off of the meds and taking this next step towards recovery! I wish you nothing but every success. I would highly recommend doing 1-2 daily relaxations daily for 15-20 minutes each as you make this transition. This will help relax your body, which will counteract any stress you may have during this transition. An example would be to do a "progressive muscle relaxation" where you tense various groups of muscles for about 15 seconds, then relax them. You can do this while listening to relaxing music, such as light piano, ocean waves, etc.

Please realize that for anxiety disorder sufferers, our bodies become overly stressed and produce symptoms due to being stressed too severely and too frequently. When we worry, our endocrine system releases stress hormones such as cortisol and adrenaline which travel to various parts of our bodies to produce an array of physiological, psychological, and emotional symptoms (e.g. brain fog, racing thoughts, perspiration, rapid heartbeat, feeling on high alert, sense of doom, to name a few).

You state that you are worried that you will experience a relapse. Please recognize that worrying is unhealthy behavior, and that this worry releases these stress hormones into your bloodstream. I know it is hard - believe me- but recognize that you are in control of your thoughts. Work at developing an awareness of when you are worrying, and when you do, intentionally stop yourself and choose to not worry. Instead of ruminating on the thoughts of "what if I relapse? What if I never recover? What if I have to go back on meds? What if I fail?", choose to think about other things, such as things you are thankful in life. Or, stop yourself and do something you enjoy, such as a hobby, warm shower, listening to music, hang out with a friend/family member, etc.

Finally, you talk about being used and abused. Please understand that people get trapped in anxiety disorder because they have developed learned unhealthy ways of behaving. Oftentimes, this is due to how we were raised when we were young. We learn a lot of our underlying belief systems when we are young, and oftentimes anxious personalities have learned unhealthy behaviors during this time. Examples include abuse, overcritical parenting, overprotective parenting, abandonment, overindulgent parenting, and others. I'm not sure of your background, but perhaps some of your underlying issues originated when you were young?

For me, my parents spoiled me rotten. My parents never gave me hardly any responsibilities, my mother did almost all of my homework for me from the time I was 6 until my 2nd semester of college. I always went to my parents to help me feel better. I never had to learn to deal with life myself - I always depended on others to do it for me. What I learned was that, through this parenting style, I was being taught unhealthy beliefs such as "I am not good enough - I always have to have help", "People will do the hard things in life for me", "It's ok to be lazy", "It's wrong to face challenging circumstances. It's better to quit", and others. These belief systems led me to have a very negative self-esteem/self worth about myself, and I was easily manipulated by others.

These are just a few examples of some of the unhealthy belief systems I've discovered throughout my "road to recovery". I can't recommend a trained anxiety disorder therapist enough. My therapist was able to help me discover these unhealthy belief systems of mine. I've been able to work at them, and gradually, I have changed. I'm not triggering stress responses nearly as often anymore. I have a much healthier outlook on life now. In fact, life has become exciting and joyful again. It is a wonderful feeling.

I'm not sure if you've tried to get help before from a therapist, but realize not all are created equal. Some do not have a thorough understanding of anxiety disorder. Others specialize in it. If this is something you are interested in, I'd be more than happy to refer you to a therapist. I see mine from the comfort of my own home via Skype.

Finally, I'm not sure if you are religious or not, but I have personally found much peace, joy, contentment, and assurance through my relationship with God. I'm not trying to force this on you - I understand many are not believers, and that is ok - we are all unique and we all have to make a choice about what we believe in, but I just thought I'd throw that out there too.

I wish you nothing but the best!

Jordan