Help with unwanted and obsessive thoughts

[Chiliphil1]

Hello all, it's been a while since I've posted. Things have been ok for me but I've been having an issue that I have neglected to address for years now. I never considered it a possible part of my anxiety disorder but I think it may be.

I don't want to go into too many details but I have bad thoughts about old things with my wife. I've been troubled with these thoughts since we were married 14 years ago. I have been living with this since then, pretty much the whole time that we have been together. I have gone through spells where the thoughts don't come up for weeks or months and every thing is great but, no matter what happens they always come back. The thoughts give me a range of issues from anger to anxiety, physical pain and nausea, and just make me literally miserable. Not only that but the thoughts drive a huge wedge between my wife and I as sometimes they make me look at her with disgust and resentment. They interfere with all aspects of my life from my day to day routine to the relationship that I have with my wife. I have tried everything I can think of but no matter what I cannot shake these thoughts.

Over the years I have thought many times about leaving my wife in the hope that I wont have to live with them anymore. I have thought of other bad things as well. These thoughts are like constant torture and they torment me relentlessly. I have dealt with them for, as mentioned 14 years now and have made the decision over and over to stay in my marriage and go forward, always with the hope that one day they will stop. So far they have not, even the times when they are not there they come back and no matter how much time passes they do not lose their potency. They are as hurtful and painful as they were in the begining. I don't want to leave my wife over this and I don't want to do something worse. I feel like losing her would be the worst mistake I could ever make but, I am feeling like I may not have a choice. These thoughts are like a hot iron being pressed to my heart daily. I simply cannot continue to live this way, it is torture sometimes from the moment I wake to the moment I go to sleep. I will go to bed thinking them and I will wake up with them still fresh in my mind.

As I mentioned, I just don't know what to do. Nothing seems to help. I have tried to distract myself, I have tried to think of something else, I have tried everything I know. I have found that being distracted helps, but as soon as I stop it all comes right back as thought I never had a break from it. I don't have insurance and I cannot really afford to go to therapy for however long they choose to keep me. Has anyone else dealt with crippling thoughts that won't go away? Is there any advice that you can offer to me? I would be grateful for anything that may help.

Thank you in advance.

[Dahila]

Meditation, the only thing that works for me

[Ponder]

I find talking helps when reaching those unbearable times. Seeking out help by going to see someone face to face rather than just online. Although online journaling helps me big time. Just writing about it in the fashion you just did. All to often we hide from the things that need our attention most. Balance is key but not something easy to achieve. Especially when we have so many distraction. Defining realistic aspirations without too much expectation and playing it a little bit by little bit without too much focus on what obviously does not work. Look to that which does more to work towards rather than that which widens the gap.

Having insurance in not always a requirement in order to received help. It depends on the kind of help your looking for. Lack of insurance is however an easy ploy to put off going to seek out help where it can least be found. Just as we blame Xmas for out woes and that kind of thing when really all along we have been struggling before the end of year 'transition'

It's all in the way we approach our thoughts ... how we hold them. Suffering with them over a period of time is in itself destabilizing without an focus towards logically thinking.

From a self help perspective in order to find motivation to seek out help where one thinks none exits due to no insurance, I find talking to myself is a good place to start. I do it all the time online regardless of feed back. So - Just keep writing what you think helps. Let out the fear but strive to do so being careful to foster a sense of resolution with getting through each moment, each hour and or each day. Eventually the will/effort in trying to right your boat will start to see one find themselves in the moment with less thought on the negatives aspects but more fostering hope and the will to just let things be as they be.

Lots of positive self reflection that's based on the acceptance of those things beyond our control as opposed to reliance on striving for those things outside it. In order to let go we have to go through the process of truly feeling what we have been distracting ourselves from.

Just keep writing. These forums are not just for people to be because they are having a rough patch. They are also for people to express how well they are doing. Now that back ... Use the ability to write up threads and make posts that aim towards unloading, identifying, expressing, sharing and helping. Do it in whatever form your comfortable.

The more you focus on moving forward, the less you will aim towards that which holds you back.

I am currently going through a phase myself of distraction ... yet I am also keenly aware of that fact and take opportunities like now to not only share and possibly shine a light for yourself, but also at that same time help myself. Likewise reach out to others or just keep writing for yourself. Others will be glad you did as this forum is fairly well read.

Even if you can't afford or find help from others ... Just know that we all have the power to help ourselves no matter how bleak things look. I don't want to promote rock bottom here because the fact is we really don't need to get to that stage. We can pick ourselves up way before it gets to that stage. We can in fact help ourselves more than we give ourselves credit for. Many times we live with people who put us down - so yea .. that can be hard too. I go through this a lot myself but I try not to personalize it. I try my best to change my point of view.

Change your perspective ... look for things that take you out of your current mind set. Mix it up some ... Try altering your routine to mix up your behavioral patterns which may in turn force yourself to focus elsewhere ... where it's easier to dislodge obtrusive thoughts and replace with less negative ones. In this way whilst still dealing with heavy stuff ... relief can still be felt as is more about relativity than the judgement of thought or its pattern. The more you aim towards making a decision to just be done with the pain, the hopelessness, the draining and disabling despair ... the closer to an open space you will come where all those turbulent thoughts spill over making way to much more simplicity things ... arrrrrrrrrrrrr ... much better ... aka much needed head space.
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Srry to go on ... No short answers ... Like I say it helps to write as best one can fathom. I don't know ... just sharing advise as requested. More about the process. I never really stop the thoughts ... but am getting good with management during those crisis time and even getting to a good point of self regulating all things considered. Still have my bouts and full on family challenges. Is what is is ... I accept as best I can. ACT and other like wise therapy are accessible online. I admit I have a lot of support outside this forum ... but without person practice no support works at all.

Anyways ... I feel for ya. I have a lot of experience and I am sure others also here can identify. You can do this ... we all can. Coming back and reaching out is a good step you've taken for yourself. Keeping take some more.

[Ponder]

Dare I ask ... How are those intrusive thoughts going. Any better today?

[Chiliphil1]

Dare I ask ... How are those intrusive thoughts going. Any better today?

Thank you for your long and informative post. I really do appreciate that.

As far as the issue goes it hasn't improved. I found an app called Amwell which allowed me to speak with a therapist via video conferance for $85. It wasn't cheap but it was bearable, I think that if I can continue with that it may help me out. She gave me an assignment to write a letter, this forced me to dive deeper into this than I have ever done before and it made things so much worse. I'm sure that when I speak with her again this coming Monday I'll start to get some helpful info but I believe that facing it head on, despite the pain it caused will help long term. I've done more digging within myself since that talk with the therapist on Monday as I've got a lot of experience with that kind of thing from going through the anxiety issues. I think I've gotten down to the root of the issue, why it bothers me, what the real reason that it causes me problems is. The thing now is what to do about it. Hopefully the therapy will give me the answers, and the tools to overcome the issue. The big problem I am running into here is that I am realizing things that hadn't occured to me. The thing there is that it's mostly bad news, I think I've been staying with my wife out of comfort and habbit, I'm not so sure that I'm actually happy here, that I want to be with her. She was something I was clinging to, even though she caused me so much pain. I guess after so much time it just became "normal" but now that I'm digging down I think I've been wrong to keep it going on like this. I don't know if seperating would solve my problems or not but I just don't think I want to continue on with this, with her. I obviously have a lot more thought to put into something like this but I am really getting down to my true feelings on it by openeing up and dropping my guard. Hopefully something good comes out of it but for the moment it's mostly bad. I have to wonder if continuing being with her isn't the root of the issue, maybe I thought it was the thing I thought it was but in reality her being here at all was causing it..

Much thought still needed.

[Ponder]

That's impressive my friend. Full respect for what your doing! You seem very aware all things considered. I appreciated the pain and huge effort required in order to do as your doing. Like with all things ... little by little. What I like about your experience here is the courage with how you are moving. Your response helps me a lot as going through some hard stuff myself. In turn I must thank you for your strength and detailed response. I'm a bit of an old prune in this forum therefore am humbled somewhat by your response.

Best I can relate to the personal details (thx again for speaking out as more relevant than one may know for many others in here which really helps) is how the term co-dependence raises its head when thinking of long term relations. Not meaning to imply anything of your situation other than how I think when thinking on mine relations with my wife during those despairing times when it comes to my clouded reasoning. More over how living for such a long time with someone and that connection often resulting in co-dependency for some of us effected types can make our reasoning very difficult to process.

What your doing with regards to that app sounds good from mine perspective and once again; hats off for your efforts. Just be sure to explore little by little without overwhelming any more than you already be. I totally agree that it will pay off even if it seems worse now than before. That's how therapy usual works ... perfectly normal. It's also why many people avoid it.
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That App sounds pretty good. Not sure about the physical side but what I am reading about the phcyolocal support seems to have a lot of potential. Your mentioning and experience with it thus far seems to be testament enough for that.

I cut and past for others who may be interested:

Amwell: Doctor Visits 24/7

• Therapy: depression & anxiety, ADHD/ADD, bereavement, trauma, couples therapy, stress, divorce, sleep disorders


• Psychiatry: anorexia, bipolar disorder, panic attacks, PTSD, OCD, psychosis, insomnia, substance abuse


• Nutrition: weight concerns, food allergies, meal planning, high blood pressure, pediatric nutrition, digestive disorders, pregnancy diets

Not sure about the cost ... but like you say if you can't access Government funded programs then perhaps $85 might be worth it. Especially for those wanting the help where they can learn from the experience and learn to use said methods at no extra cost. If that makes sense? I take a lot of stuff home in my head that I glean from therapy and use it often. NNA - ACT - CBT ... yadda yadda ... more so the workings in those methods and then I go and Google more about them. Glean a little from each.

Looks like a good app for those that have the means.

Take care man ... please do keep in touch. Relationships are a hard thing to fathom most of the time. Go easy with those thoughts.
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I often question my position within a relationship after trying so hard not to trigger others and despite making positive changes for myself things seem to just continue in the same direction. I then remind myself that negative behavioral patterns affect everyone involved and that it takes much longer for my positive steps to rub off on others ... especially when they are not trying themselves. Perhaps a little more time and working on yourself regardless of who's right and wrong. Is what I try to tell myself when going the course in long term relations. Often we come out the others side and accept our faults and move on. Is a hard one and again ... just relevant to my experiences with long term relations.

I and the others will be on the side. ; )

[Chiliphil1]

I think I've finally had a break through on the topic. I've been living with it for a long time but I never really bothered with trying to solve the root issue. I always assumed that the main thing which continued to pop in my head, the reason for this thread was the issue, however, as I have been diving into this I have discovered that it is just the manifestation. I have deeper issues but that is the most painful part thus it is the part that always seemed to come up. I think the reason that it happened that way stems from my previous anxiety issues, my mind likes to make me suffer, if something really hurts me then that is what my anxiety is going to bring up. Then I would, out of habit get upset, I would take it to the extreme and look at my wife in an unfavorable way due to it. In my mind I was blaming her for all of the issues, it was her actions that started it, her actions which hurt me. The thing is that those actions have no bearing on anything now, the real problem is the way that she has made me feel over the years. Now, I can blame myself for a lot of that because of the resentment that I have harbored for her have driven her away, to the point that she really didn't want much to do with me and it showed. Her not wanting to have anything to do with me destroyed my self confidence and when I would have trouble with the other issues I had no "escape" because she didn't want to be around me as I had beaten her up so much about how the other things made me feel.

That said, I have been able to dive down into this and realize that in order to get past the thing that made me post this thread I need my wife to make me feel like I'm wanted, like I mean something to her. She hasn't been able to show me that because of the way that I have treated her. If I want to get what I need from her then I need to stop treating her badly. In my previous post I said that I was with her out of habit and that I wasn't sure that I wanted to be any longer. I was wrong, I do want to be with her and I am here not out of habit but out of hope. I have seen that things can be good and I really long for that. I am still here because I hoped that those good times could be our normal. I was finally able to figure this out and I spoke with her about it. It was painful for both of us to go through all of this but, we did. It came down to me packing my bags before she finally opened up but, it happened. We were finally honest about what we needed and what we were willing to do. With the new information that we learned about each other last night I feel that the future is bright for us. We have spent far too many years hiding and keeping things to ourselves, we both have to learn to open up about everything. We've finally crossed the bridge and I think that we are in the best place we have been for a long time.

I'm going to continue the therapy weekly for now but I feel really great about things right now.

If anyone needs help, please look into the amwell app and website, it is a wonderful resource.

[Ponder]

Some of us long termers can definitely relate to the gist of that. My wife and I have gone through a couple of those episodes during our quater century and then some time to together. Love and Bliss is nothing like they portray on our displays. Even if things don't work out the way we like in the future; it's learning experiences like those that help us take responsibility to meet life's ongoing challenges.

Really pleased for you Chiliphil1. Your efforts paid of well. The app is one thing, but remember you put in the work.

Awesome result!