Hello all, it's been a while since I've posted. Things have been ok for me but I've been having an issue that I have neglected to address for years now. I never considered it a possible part of my anxiety disorder but I think it may be.
I don't want to go into too many details but I have bad thoughts about old things with my wife. I've been troubled with these thoughts since we were married 14 years ago. I have been living with this since then, pretty much the whole time that we have been together. I have gone through spells where the thoughts don't come up for weeks or months and every thing is great but, no matter what happens they always come back. The thoughts give me a range of issues from anger to anxiety, physical pain and nausea, and just make me literally miserable. Not only that but the thoughts drive a huge wedge between my wife and I as sometimes they make me look at her with disgust and resentment. They interfere with all aspects of my life from my day to day routine to the relationship that I have with my wife. I have tried everything I can think of but no matter what I cannot shake these thoughts.
Over the years I have thought many times about leaving my wife in the hope that I wont have to live with them anymore. I have thought of other bad things as well. These thoughts are like constant torture and they torment me relentlessly. I have dealt with them for, as mentioned 14 years now and have made the decision over and over to stay in my marriage and go forward, always with the hope that one day they will stop. So far they have not, even the times when they are not there they come back and no matter how much time passes they do not lose their potency. They are as hurtful and painful as they were in the begining. I don't want to leave my wife over this and I don't want to do something worse. I feel like losing her would be the worst mistake I could ever make but, I am feeling like I may not have a choice. These thoughts are like a hot iron being pressed to my heart daily. I simply cannot continue to live this way, it is torture sometimes from the moment I wake to the moment I go to sleep. I will go to bed thinking them and I will wake up with them still fresh in my mind.
As I mentioned, I just don't know what to do. Nothing seems to help. I have tried to distract myself, I have tried to think of something else, I have tried everything I know. I have found that being distracted helps, but as soon as I stop it all comes right back as thought I never had a break from it. I don't have insurance and I cannot really afford to go to therapy for however long they choose to keep me. Has anyone else dealt with crippling thoughts that won't go away? Is there any advice that you can offer to me? I would be grateful for anything that may help.
Thank you in advance.