"...the cost of sanity in this society is a certain level of alienation" ~ Terrance McKenna → https://pondermovedhere.blogspot.com/
My evenings bring along some extreme lows even on all the medications I take. I told the APRN today about it when I say her and all she could say is check in to the hospital if its gets worse. Honestly, by now, I should be used to this, but it still stings and I find it hard to accept it that there really isn't any help for me. The same revolving door in and out of psych wards with no real aftercare (just bills bills and more bills I can't pay), maybe its different if your rich. I'm well into my 40s and I'm pretty set into my ways by now and I don't see how this is going to change and they understand this about me, they label me as non-compliant. At times (most times) I feel beyond help, like its just too late.
Today was very bad (physically and mentally) and I was severely depressed all day. Honestly I felt suicidal. They don't care either. I'm seen as another dread of society and a waste of the resources. I think I'm just so tired and simply worn out from this ride (life). Always struggled and never got ahead.
Maybe tomorrow will be different. Its 1:45 AM and my mind is racing and fuming. Should just unplug everything. Could be the upcoming holidays but I cant be sure anymore.
Going for a walk today and just forget everything that's on my plate. Enjoy the moment and fresh air. Outside without other people around me, the environment soothes me and comforts.
Where abouts do you walk Sal? What places do you go to keep is a low key event?
"...the cost of sanity in this society is a certain level of alienation" ~ Terrance McKenna → https://pondermovedhere.blogspot.com/
Depending on my energy level, I might only walk down to the end of the entrance of the project building and back. Today I walked to the dollar store 1.23 miles there to buy a soda and back home. Most times I huff and puff my way back. But it is low key, in that very few people travel along the walk. Sometimes only a few cars. I can take a break 1/4 way there on a bench. Today a guy complimented me on my shades and that way nice.
EDIT: and I didn't feel depressed while out today.
Last edited by salvator here; 12-19-2018 at 05:17 PM. Reason: typo
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"...the cost of sanity in this society is a certain level of alienation" ~ Terrance McKenna → https://pondermovedhere.blogspot.com/
Tonight was the most beautiful full moon, the clouds covered it just right and I was glad to be out at night for a change. It sort of lifted the depression for a while.
That I'm too aware for my own good; even my therapist agrees. He said its because of this that I torture myself much more than people oblivious to their disabilities. I constantly worry and pine for, and become jealous of others that are able to function and enjoy the (so called) "normalcy" and enjoy life without limitations and constant battle with their own mind. There was a time when I was in fact oblivious to some extent, and while I was always shocked by everything, I was able to get 'out of my own way' long enough to enjoy life. Now, I overthink everything and not a second goes by that I'm not very aware of that my mental illness, and how it affects my day-to-day experiences.
Thanks for the read Sal. Srry have not been well enough to get right into it.
Yes ... many people take stability for granted. If only they knew how hard it could be ... if they had been dealt cards similar that what we have had to endure or see.
"...the cost of sanity in this society is a certain level of alienation" ~ Terrance McKenna → https://pondermovedhere.blogspot.com/