Fed up

[gypsylee]

How did I cope being alone? I have a (female) friend who I've been emailing for 10 years now.. She's a few years younger than me and like a long-lost sister. Only problem is she's in Europe so we can't hang out in person. That friendship helps me a lot and she's taught me I can feel pretty much however I feel and I won't be abandoned. I can say anything to her (and vice versa) which is something I never really had and have always had very low self-esteem because my parents were both quite conditional.

That would be the most important thing that comes to mind during my three year break from men. This forum helps as well.. I need to communicate and relate to SOMEONE or I do get very depressed and stuck in my head.

[self12]

Sure thing, I learned it from a podcast and I think my therapist or some meditation. Basically your body is trying to fight fear by pouring on more fear. You have to try and break that cycle, and what better to do it with than love and acceptance? In your head, you would say something along the lines of "nice to see you again anxiety, how are you today". You're almost psychologically befriending it, and in effect should become more comfortable and calm. You can also try and ponder why you're anxious to get to the root cause. Again comfort=acceptance/calm.
Not saying this is a cure, but it has helped me let the anxiety meddle in the background vs. being at the forefront and slashing through my being.

I'm sorry that you don't have anyone immediate to talk to when you need it most, but you definitely have our support!

Your hobbies sound amazing! My wife is an artist and I love seeing her work it just blows my mind how she can render things so beautifully.

Josh

Hi Josh.

Yes I totally understand the fight or flight response. Sometimes I just find it hard to accept that an innate thing can cause our conscious mind to go into a state of panic. It's a great way of thinking positively and outside of the box for sure. You're 100% right about getting to the cause also, I think that is where I'd need a discussion with a professional, who has a more objective view as apposed to my subjective one that I've built over the years. + thank you! I do love my hobbies, I'm sure your wife designs/creates beautiful things!
I really appreciate your support (:

[self12]

How did I cope being alone? I have a (female) friend who I've been emailing for 10 years now.. She's a few years younger than me and like a long-lost sister. Only problem is she's in Europe so we can't hang out in person. That friendship helps me a lot and she's taught me I can feel pretty much however I feel and I won't be abandoned. I can say anything to her (and vice versa) which is something I never really had and have always had very low self-esteem because my parents were both quite conditional.

That would be the most important thing that comes to mind during my three year break from men. This forum helps as well.. I need to communicate and relate to SOMEONE or I do get very depressed and stuck in my head.

Heya Gypsy!

Omg I can totally relate. I have a friend in India who I've been talking to for 4 years. I totally get what you mean about the not being able to see them in person... Really sucks. He has helped me a lot too honestly, I can talk to him about pretty much anything which is nice to have. I'm so glad I can relate to someone. I thought that depending on relationships wasn't such a general thing, but I can see that others can have that sort of unhealthy relationship too. It is really difficult to get out of, for a long time I felt so lonely. But, finally I'm comfortable in my own space now. I love doing things by myself and for myself, whereas when I was with the wrong guy, I lost interest in all the things I loved doing. It's finally back though! I feel passionate again. But like you, I am on this forum to tackle my anxiety now, as best as I can with the support of people like you. I really appreciate how personal your responses are to me, a lot of the responses I get seem so generic and computerised almost! I hope you know I am one of those people that you can communicate with if you need to! (:

[self12]

Not sure why but earlier when I replied, it seemed to have posted the reply elsewhere! I am still sort've getting the hang of this. Your advice is really great. In my previous response, as I said, I am still trying to distinguish between the innate panic and the immediate response to my anxiety. I try to take control of it almost!
I hope you saw my other response!

[self12]

Hi Self. Sorry to hear about your struggles with anxiety. Creative people like you and I tend to be more likely to suffer from anxiety disorder because we can tend to get too creative with our thinking, and it works against us. Speaking for myself, I used to nearly always imagine the worst case scenario and take the most cynical views to nearly every aspect of life. Common everyday thoughts were things such as "what if I fail? What if I have an incurable disease and will either die or live a bad quality of life? What if my wife, friends, and family abandon me? What if I lose my job?" And so in and so on.

What you need to know is that our thoughts can either positively or negatively impact our body. Our body responds when we think in fearful and negative ways. I have used this example on another thread before: Say you are at a monster truck ralley and a field worker, unbeknownst to him, walks out on the field while one of the trucks is doing a test run. All of a sudden, the truck comes flying around the corner, spinning out of control and headed right towards the back of the field worker. The worker has his back facing the truck and doesn't know it is getting ready to strike him and severely hurt him or kill him. Many fans in the stands jump up and yell. Their hearts start beating faster, some start sweating, their muscles tense, a feeling of doom floods their minds, etc. however, the field worker remains perfectly calm and cheerful. He doesn't experience any of the symptoms the fans in the stands experience. Why? The people in the stands were THINKING fearful thoughts, while the worker wasn't.

Another example - Say a man is at home and exhausted. He feels like he has no energy whatsoever. All of a sudden, he receives a phone call from his wife stating she just won the lottery! The man immediately jumps up and starts screaming with joy. His heart rate increases and becomes filled with energy. Why? The man was THINKING thoughts such as "oh my gosh! We're rich! I don't have to work this crappy job anymore! I'm so happy!"

These are two examples of how our thoughts directly afffect our body. The two are closely linked.

People with anxiety disorder think apprehensively too often and oftentimes, more fearfully than the average person. Our bodies respond to these thoughts and produce a stress response in our bodies that causes a litany of physiological, psychological, and emotional symptoms. If this goes on for too long, our bodies accept that as the new normal and we begin to experience symptoms even when we aren't thinking apprehensively.

The way to recover from an anxiety disorder is to calm your body down and identify and resolve your underlying unhealthy thinking patterns. For relaxing your body, I recommend light to moderate exercise daily for at least 20 minutes and meditation foe two 20 minute sessions. It can be as simple as deep breathing and focusing on a few different objects in your mind with some relaxing music or nature sounds in the background. In time, your body will calm and your physiological, psychological, and emotional symptoms will diminish and you can return to normal health.

You talk a lot about the struggles with your parents. Has this been going on for awhile? Please understand that most of our personalities are very developed by the time we are eight years old. What we learn in our childhood typically shapes our systems of beliefs and our thinking patterns unless we work to change them. Perhaps there are some underlying unhealthy belief systems you have learned from your parents. oftentimes, these beliefs are so ingrained, they seen instinctual, and we don't usually even consciously think about them. That's where counseling can help you to identify your unhealthy Thinking patterns.

Hi there RoadToRecovery.

Wow, what an incredibly insightful response, thank you. I absolutely love your example scenarios. I can see from both your point of view and from Josh also. It is great to see the different perspectives on anxiety. I am one of those people that you mentioned whereby I think VERY apprehensively. Whether it be going across the road to top up my oyster to driving to the supermarket - I can find 100 things that could go wrong in my mind within a millisecond. I do exercise as you mentioned, 3-4 times a week, 1 hour sessions the very least. It really does help so much, I don't know what I would do if I didn't relieve my anxiety via physical activity. I have wanted to join a basketball club for ages but just haven't got the confidence too.. I haven't really had to make friends in like 2-3 years as I worked with my Mum for a while, then I went onto independent studying so I have sort of lost my socialising skills. Any advice on that? I really want to be confident enough to do new things AND MEET NEW PEOPLE most importantly.

Yes. My struggles with my parents has been going on for a while. With my father, for as long as I can remember. And with my Mum, since I've been old enough to understand the true sense of our relationship. When I was younger, i.e. my early teens, everything in life is sort of ok. You have your mates etc. You don't have much responsibility either. BUT, as I got older and really needed my Mum's help, I realised she wasn't really there for me. Many occasions did I cry and even then she never took it as a signal to ask me if I'm ok. I am the sort of person to hold things in but I will open up if you ask me to. She just never did. It sort've spiralled out of control our relationship and I'm finding it difficult to rekindle that bond because even she said she finds it hard with me, it's like 'she has to try extra hard'. It deeply saddens me because I'm her daughter, why should the relationship be hard? Whenever I try talk to her, she just plays on her phone. I just had enough of it...

I think I may try the meditation you mentioned. Any tips on that? I actually went to yoga three or four times which REALLY helped my anxiety. My goodness, it was amazing. At the end, we were told to breathe out as long as we can, we were all laying in the dark and subtle instrumental music was being played in the background. I may have to go again!

[self12]

I believe that passively accepting anxiety symptoms is an effective tool for anxiety disorder recovery because it helps to prevent additional stress responses from occurring. Most of those suffering from anxiety disorders worry about their symptoms. This worry is like pouring gasoline on a fire - it just makes it worse and usually ends up making our symptoms more intense. If we instead choose to not fret about our symptoms and just recognize them as a byproduct from a stressed body, this will prevent additional stress hormones from being dumped into our systems.

I disagree to an extent with the perspective of saying to yourself "nice to see you anxiety, how are you today?" While it is good to not be afraid of the symptoms, anxiety is NOT an "it". Anxiety is a RESULT. Anxiety is not some sort of monster entity that invades you when it pleases and renders you helpless and at its mercy. This is a trap I was in for a very long time. If you have this perspective, I would challenge you to view it differently.

Anxiety disorder is a result of apprehensive thinking for too often. It is not a force in and of itself.

I can really relate to what has been said here. I feel like I actually do passively accept that i have anxiety, because what would I do otherwise? I still have to live a normal life. It's easier to sometimes forget it rather than keep it in the forefront of your mind because then you're more relaxed. Great explanation.

[RoadToRecovery]

Hi there RoadToRecovery.

Wow, what an incredibly insightful response, thank you. I absolutely love your example scenarios. I can see from both your point of view and from Josh also. It is great to see the different perspectives on anxiety. I am one of those people that you mentioned whereby I think VERY apprehensively. Whether it be going across the road to top up my oyster to driving to the supermarket - I can find 100 things that could go wrong in my mind within a millisecond. I do exercise as you mentioned, 3-4 times a week, 1 hour sessions the very least. It really does help so much, I don't know what I would do if I didn't relieve my anxiety via physical activity. I have wanted to join a basketball club for ages but just haven't got the confidence too.. I haven't really had to make friends in like 2-3 years as I worked with my Mum for a while, then I went onto independent studying so I have sort of lost my socialising skills. Any advice on that? I really want to be confident enough to do new things AND MEET NEW PEOPLE most importantly.

Yes. My struggles with my parents has been going on for a while. With my father, for as long as I can remember. And with my Mum, since I've been old enough to understand the true sense of our relationship. When I was younger, i.e. my early teens, everything in life is sort of ok. You have your mates etc. You don't have much responsibility either. BUT, as I got older and really needed my Mum's help, I realised she wasn't really there for me. Many occasions did I cry and even then she never took it as a signal to ask me if I'm ok. I am the sort of person to hold things in but I will open up if you ask me to. She just never did. It sort've spiralled out of control our relationship and I'm finding it difficult to rekindle that bond because even she said she finds it hard with me, it's like 'she has to try extra hard'. It deeply saddens me because I'm her daughter, why should the relationship be hard? Whenever I try talk to her, she just plays on her phone. I just had enough of it...

I think I may try the meditation you mentioned. Any tips on that? I actually went to yoga three or four times which REALLY helped my anxiety. My goodness, it was amazing. At the end, we were told to breathe out as long as we can, we were all laying in the dark and subtle instrumental music was being played in the background. I may have to go again!

Hi self :-)

Thanks for replying. You should definitely try meditation again. There are plenty of scientific studies
Out there that have been done that illustrate the mental benefits of regular meditation. Another thing you should know about anxiety disorder - people with the disorder live so anxiously and apprehensively, over time, their bodies basically get used to being stimulated with anxiety, and the body begins to automatically be in that state more often, or sometimes indefinitely. The reason for this is because Our bodies are always trying to remain in a state of homeostasis. This is similar to how our biological clocks/circadian rhythms work.

Have you ever felt extremely symptomatic (e.g. Rapid heartbeat, sweating, tingly, racing thoughts, feelings of doom, etc) even though you didn't even have a reason to be nervous? This is due to an overly stressed body. People with anxiety disorder's nervous systems are "hyperstimulated" due to worrying too often. Additionally, the amygdala (the fear center of the brain) has an increased electrical activity. Again, behaving anxiously for too long causes this. When they are in this state, our bodies can act more erraticky and involuntarily than normal.

If you are symptomatic (have an anxiety disorder), you CAN recover. I am living proof of that. There is a physical side to anxiety disorder recovery and a mental side. Meditation/relaxation is a very effective tool to use to recover from the horrible physical symptoms. Why? Your nervous system includes the sympathetic nervous system and parasympathetic nervous system.

The sympathetic nervous system responds more directly to ‘stressed’ thoughts and moods, such as anger, anxiety, worry, frustration, fear, excitement, competition, and sorrow. It produces a stress response to these thoughts and moods.
The parasympathetic nervous system, which responds more directly to 'calming' thoughts and moods, such as peace, contentment, confidence, security, and harmony. It helps to calm and relax the body by producing a rest response to these thoughts and moods.

Basically, those with anxiety disorder have their sympathetic nervous system activated too often and not their parasympathetic as often. Meditation/relaxation helps to activate the "calm" reponse. If we reduce stress for a long enough period of time by keeping our bodies calm, our bodies and brain will learn to calm down and our symptoms will disappear.

I'd recommend the techniques I mentioned in my original message. Sometimes when I'm winding down for bed, I'll occasionally listen to "guided meditations" where there's basically a narrarator telling a story that you visualize, like resting by a log fire with the sounds of rain on a roof. The reocerdings will have a few relaxing sounds too, like the fire crackling, sound of rain, etc. there are some decent ones you can find on YouTube and other sites like anxietycentre too. If you are a religious person, praying with piano music or other relaxing music in the background can help.

I've never done yoga, but I've heard it is good.

Deep breathing is a silver bullet as well. Why? Because it stimulates a specific nerve in your body that produces the "calm response". It is very effective. I recommend deep breathing for a minute or so before doing your meditation/relaxation.

[RoadToRecovery]

As I stated above, there is a mental side of recovery too. In time, you can get rid of all of your physical symptoms by simply relaxing your body and reducing stress. However, if you haven't dealt with the underlying causes - unhealthy belief systems, and made healthy changes, it won't be too long before your body becomes hyperstimualted again. Why? Because when we have unhealthy belief systems, we think apprehensively/fearfully too often. This behavior produces the stress response. Triggering stress responses too often is what causes hyperstimulation.

However, if we make healthy behavioral change, we won't be triggering stress responses nearly as often, which won't result in hyperstimulation. Anxiety/stress responses in and of themselves aren't necessarily a bad thing. They can be genuinely helpful, because they alert us and prepares our bodies for action when there are legitimate threats, such as a car getting ready to strike us going full speed. It's overly apprehensive behavior we want to get rid of.

A trained anxiety disorder therapist can help you identify your unhealthy behaviors and thought patterns and show you how to make healthy change. Help is often needed because we've been behaving apprehensively for so long, these beliefs become habituated, and or learned ways of thinking/responding can be lightning quick. Also, our behaviors can seem completely normal to us, when they are in fact, unhealthy.

As I have stated in another thread, Many people with anxiety disorders have developed unhealthy belief systems due to what they learned when they were young. Trauma, Abuse, over-protective parenting, and over-indulgent parenting are all very common underlying factors that play a big role in many developing the disorder. For me - my parents spoiled me as a child. My older brother had cancer that caused some learning problems growing up from the chemotherapy, and my mother tried to help by essentially doing most of his homework for him out of fear he would flunk out. Out of habit, my mother approached me the same way. She did most of my homework for me, didn't discipline me, didn't let me think for myself much, didn't give me chores. She did it all for me. My therapist helped me to understand that, Under the surface, caused me to develop beliefs about myself such as "I'm not good enough by myself - I always have to have someone to help me", "It's okay to be lazy", "I don't have to think for myself" and "I don't have to take responsibility for things", etc. When I go back and look at my life, I've had this approach to life for my life's entirety until recently. I developed a very negative self-esteem about myself, not even believing I was strong enough to control my thoughts and behaviors. I was easily manipulated growing up because of these beliefs. My therapist was able to help me identify this underlying factor and others as well. I've worked hard at it, and I have slowly changed my belief systems. My disorder is slowly starting to fade away as my body recovers and I'm not triggering nearly as many anxiety responses by my unhealthy ways of thinking. It that I'm 100% there yet, but the difference from where I am now to where I was when I first understood the way to recovery is night and day.

If I had to guess Self, there are probably some unhealthy beliefs you have adopted as a result of some of the issues you've had with your mom growing up. I'd highly recommend seeking an experienced anxiety disorder therapist if you can. Be cautious though, as all therapists aren't created equal and have various experience levels with anxiety.