I Worry I Won't Find My Way Back - PLEASE HELP!!!

[Ponder]

lên cho anh em cần

Translation → Here.

True ... we're all siblings here. Good call.

[salvator here]

I sort of also feel this way. Go figure the odds of us all winding up on this forum together by chance. We're all struggling with something, yet, we always have something to say to help others even during our own troubled times. If only I had this support in real life, but I'm lucky to at least have it online.

[salvator here]

Wasn't going to.. but I am going to journal a bit. No need to reply to anything here, but should try to see if I can get in touch with whats going on and read my words the next day. Again, I feel I have gotten some good advice already and hope to give some of it a try. Need to get this out and please, don't feel the need to post anything like typical "talk him down" words. I'll be fine, trust me. I'm NOT going to do anything. Its just a dark place that hopefully I can make some sense of, maybe by my own words. I just don't know. So while to thread is titled "PLEASE HELP", I'm not asking for help or support here, just am not going to create a new thread for this one. This isn't about my social phobia.

If I was to say I am doing better I would be truly lying right now. Although I pushed it aside throughout times today, and this morning, the feelings come back in a vengeance. I've made the conscious decision to just chalk what I'm feeling up to intrusive negative thought patterns. Its a cycle that I've been unable to break lately, and although it slightly lift a bit, because the root cause(s) are not dealt with, the pattern continues and the end result is always the same. I will say this much, I am able to (almost) totally recognize the warning signs now. I can see the dangerous patter when it starts.

I will have to somehow push everything aside to shut things down and hopefully be in a better frame of mind when I wake up. I want to give this a fighting chance before I totally throw my hands up in the air. The truth is, while the medical system and traditional methods (doctors / therapy / meds) work well for some, they simply don't for me. I could easily find myself in a revolving door situation in and out of psych wards and never get any further. It has gone far beyond anxiety and depression. There is much more going on and, oh, wouldn't it be nice if a simply pill would fix everything. I would gladly take it and just be done with this affliction. Its going to have to come from within in my case. Since the only medication that helps me during times of distress are low-dose benzo's, and I am unable to get a prescription from a doctor at the clinic (they don't prescribe narcotics period), I will have to find other ways since other meds either don't work, or make my situation worse.

Sorry to just leave on that note, but its all I can do in the mental state I am in, currently. I'll be back soon to write more and hopefully be able to explain things better.

[Ponder]

Makes perfect sense to me.

[salvator here]

Hello Ponder and Gypsy..

Hope you both will find a way to enjoy something today.

I was going to write but stopped it short for now.

Just this..

I need to get out again regardless of how I'm feeling, and I'm willing to accept whatever occurs today and put aside any (unrealistic) expectations. The weather looks nice again so it would be a shame to not take advantage.

Take good care of yourselves and best wishes to anybody reading.

[Ponder]

That's the spirit.
Thx for the well wishes.

Weather is also good this end.

Be well.

[salvator here]

Going to keep this short.

After thinking about this further, I've decided to finish this thread right here and just express my deepest gratitude to everyone that ever offered support and advice to me during my time on this amazing forum. I'll always be truly grateful and privileged to have met the caring folks on here. I will be doing my best to take the advice I've received and hopefully use it to improve myself and my situation.

Thanks so much and I wish everyone success going forward in this life. The people here at anxiety forum will always be in my heart and I cherish the time I've been here.

Sincerely Yours

~S

[Kirk]

I am sorry to see you go, but I understand and hope all works out well for you.

[gypsylee]

^Same. You know where to find us!

[salvator here]

Thanks you Kirk and Gypsy, I'm sorry I missed your replies, I've not been able to get on the forum as of lately due to many reasons (some of which I'll address in another new thread about much of what has occurred this year up to current)

Ponder.. Just wanted to say that I did (in fact) use much of your advice throughout the summer and it did help me.

I wish I could say I'm doing better, but would be nothing further from that truth; sadly! Just been really rough and unfortunately I wound up turning back to alcoholism and I hate myself for it and it got REALLY bad again and I was so proud I got totally sober but as you can see, it didn't last. So much more to say later about things. Been tough to get through and I'm sort of surprised I'm actually still here tell you the truth. Good news though.. I'm back on the wagon currently. Just so much to try to get off my chest and where to start ?!

I did miss it here, but things were starting to go 'off the rails' when I left, and life in fact did just that very thing. I don't know if I can pull things back together at this point as each day is just a struggle to function even at the most basic pointless level. So many intrusive and paranoid feelings/emotions and illogical thought processes and sleep is (sometimes) the only relief I can get from this whole mess I'm in. A ton of bills I can't pay. Okay, should stop there.

Anyways.. take care and I'm appreciative of the help and advice that was given in this thread.