Actually, I think I"ll just go on a bit more here and not bother with another drama filled thread. I figured I'll just help others if possible and whatever. Trouble is when I really get going, I wind up making it worse and want to leave.
Basically by the end of May, I already knew where this was heading. The summer had its good and bad points. I did walk more and try to embrace nature (and you suggested, Ponder) and it was worth it. I was going severely manic as each day drew closed and finally had my breaking point and the end of June. Going to leave it at that and keep what happened private, as it serves nobody to cause triggers. By about October I was ( at least ) coming around and began to pick up the pieces. Sometimes I feel there isn't much left but I shall carry on and hope for the best. The medical system has shown me their true colors this year, by far the most. It's never become clearer that I'll just have to go-it-alone. I don't feel there is help for me. Besides (trust me - this is true) they actually just gave up on me and allowed me to go knowing full well my intentions - I even had a "Plan" - they do not care. Same shit, go to the ER and run up more bills and only to do nothing for me. It is what it is and I still do want to salvage some life for myself. Its not at all what I dreamed, my dreams and hopes are in the rear-view mirror now. It just time to let it go and see whats up ahead. I get the feeling it will be interesting, this I assume. No more 'revolving door' in and out of the hospital if I can help it. Money...yeah right. I've not go much anyway so should allow that horror to roll off the shoulders at this point. I think part of the problem is I'm trying to get my life back and this won't happen, that damage is done. I'm 44 and live with too much regret, but I can't get the 'do-over' I so seek. Got to put the past in the past somehow (not sure how).
I think that's it concerning this and I don't want to dwell on it every time I come here. I want to enjoy my time here rather than is only add to my depression.
On a side note: since this is a new page, if interested, go back a page to see the previous post and maybe it helped somewhat to get that all out
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