Sorry I don't post anymore, just not doing well at all, and its getting very scary now.
I'm having times where I lose myself so badly, and so severely that its getting harder and harder to find my way back and regain my own personality traits again. I'm struggling very badly and disassociating so much that I don't even recognize myself in photos. Recently I had my photo taken (I normally refuse to have my picture taken because its too painful) and remember I was suffering at the time of the photo. When seeing me in the photo I hardly recognize myself, especially in the eyes, as I look like somebody else; I resemble the person/personality I was portraying at the time, and its getting worrisome.
Since my return from 2 hospitalizations (1 late last year, and 1 early this year), its been pretty much a circus in my head and up and down and I've been unpredictable/inconsistent to say the very least. Honestly I possibly should not have even been discharged had they been paying attention, or actually cared. Truthfully, they just let me go because I don't have good insurance and don't have the funds to pay.
I can't go back to the hospital anymore. I already have large unpaid bills and can't afford to get in any further financial trouble only to be cast aside only to wind up right back at square 1 again.
I just can't do this anymore. I hardly go out as it is and spend as little time as possible around people now.
I'm feeling pretty hopeless now and don't see any light at the end of the tunnel for myself. I've been thinking about suicide every day (several times a day actually), its starting to seem like the only answer to this mess. I've already called suicide hotlines several times and it really does no good at all. Nobody cares anyway and I get the feeling they are laughing under their breath. I can't afford to follow through with anything they suggest anyway. They have suggested day programs many times and my response it always the same.. 'is it free??'.. they shut right up on that. They only say to go to the hospital and where has that gotten me?!
I don't know what to do at this point, but its reaching the point that I tired of fighting for now reason.
I'm not getting better; only worse! I've been in and out of the hospital several times over the last 10+ years and I've never fully recovered from my breakdowns. With each one I've gotten even more out of touch with reality and I don't really want to do it anymore. I've become bitter and hateful towards the world and society and its eating me up every second I breathe. Its painful and wearing. I didn't want to become this way, but its happened.
Sometimes I feel its just too late and I don't like what I see up ahead. I don't now how to change things. I don't know what to do?! Not a clue. Just waiting hoping and praying that the time I feel somewhat normal it will last and will stick, but those times are few and far in-between.
There are so many other things I just can't go into right now (maybe another time when if I can think clearly enough), but just too much on my plate and I and getting weaker instead of stronger. What seems to work for others (and should logically work) just doesn't for me. Meds didn't work.. therapy didn't really help.. all the advice from medical professionals just didn't apply to me or what I'm going through and that only makes me feel all alone. I've actually been told this [exact words from an APRN] "we can't help some people, and some people can't be helped".
I'm sorry.. I know this makes little sense and is loaded with errors, I'm just not doing well at all and haven't even left the house in well over 2 weeks. I wish I could just say I'm feeling manic/anxiety/depression, but there is much more to the situation than that.
Again sorry.. I don't even know what I'm expecting by posting this.. but any advice is greatly appreciated.