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  1. #21
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    Actually, I think I"ll just go on a bit more here and not bother with another drama filled thread. I figured I'll just help others if possible and whatever. Trouble is when I really get going, I wind up making it worse and want to leave.

    Basically by the end of May, I already knew where this was heading. The summer had its good and bad points. I did walk more and try to embrace nature (and you suggested, Ponder) and it was worth it. I was going severely manic as each day drew closed and finally had my breaking point and the end of June. Going to leave it at that and keep what happened private, as it serves nobody to cause triggers. By about October I was ( at least ) coming around and began to pick up the pieces. Sometimes I feel there isn't much left but I shall carry on and hope for the best. The medical system has shown me their true colors this year, by far the most. It's never become clearer that I'll just have to go-it-alone. I don't feel there is help for me. Besides (trust me - this is true) they actually just gave up on me and allowed me to go knowing full well my intentions - I even had a "Plan" - they do not care. Same shit, go to the ER and run up more bills and only to do nothing for me. It is what it is and I still do want to salvage some life for myself. Its not at all what I dreamed, my dreams and hopes are in the rear-view mirror now. It just time to let it go and see whats up ahead. I get the feeling it will be interesting, this I assume. No more 'revolving door' in and out of the hospital if I can help it. Money...yeah right. I've not go much anyway so should allow that horror to roll off the shoulders at this point. I think part of the problem is I'm trying to get my life back and this won't happen, that damage is done. I'm 44 and live with too much regret, but I can't get the 'do-over' I so seek. Got to put the past in the past somehow (not sure how).

    I think that's it concerning this and I don't want to dwell on it every time I come here. I want to enjoy my time here rather than is only add to my depression.

    On a side note: since this is a new page, if interested, go back a page to see the previous post and maybe it helped somewhat to get that all out
    Last edited by salvator here; 11-29-2017 at 03:15 PM.

  2. #22
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    The problem is I can't accept it. Its not going to get better. Its too late. I don't like what I see up ahead, its pretty bleak. I'm in such a dark place and I've already tried to post many times here but just keep deleting it. I see no point in even bothering to post for myself anymore. Nobody can help me. I'm far beyond help at this point. I hope to just sleep right through Christmas and News Years (I usually do if possible). I can't drink. I just can't or I won't stop this time until......... I've just had it and There just is nothing left and I feel hopeless and sick and it won't stop. Just won't!! I want to drink myself to death most days and call it quits. It is hopeless for me. I can't get hospitalized again. Same shit every time, revolving door and they couldn't give two shits about me. I've No help whatsoever. No help! No relief!! Even sleep is no relief. The nightmares and flashbacks make sleep scary. Nobody cares, I don't mean people on the here in real life. I don't care anymore sad to say. I think I just want out and want peace. The constant torment never stops. I feel so unwell both physically and mentally.

    I wish I could just accept it. Maybe that would help, but I'm not sure. I don't even know how to explain what I mean by accepting it. I just don't have the words for some reason. Maybe later if I can't think clearly. My mind is a mess right now and all I can seem to think about is..............

    I think I'm just venting more than anything.

    I'm so severely sad and depressed.

    See.. If I were to accept it (my fate), if don't think I would feel much of anything at all. Maybe I could/would just walk around in a blissful cloud with no fear or regret.

    Ahhhh,,,, I need to just stop. Screw it!!

  3. #23
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    More bills I can not afford

    Can you belief it, I'm still worried about money at this point?!?! I don't have anything to take anyway!!!Nothing!!!I don't even own anything. God back to the ER,,,,,yeah right. The hotlines are completely and utterly useless.

    I meant to write go back to the ER. But I am thinking about God and religion so no wonder I mistyped God.

    Why even bother to edit at this point. I'm a complete basket case. I'm a wreck

  4. #24
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    Must try to unwind. Should just turn on a cartoon or something benign.. Television is becoming such a bad trigger hell right now. Everything triggers me especially the holidays programing. Seems like nothing but politics and other propaganda that I've no business worrying about in the shape I'm in. If I head more crap about family gatherings and celebrations I'm GOING TO SNAP!!!

    Just forget it for now. Tomorrows another day, I suppose. Hopefully wake up in better condition.

  5. #25
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    Maybe the whole Christmas thing was alright when I was a small child and my grandparents were alive. I don't know thought, everything was pretty fake from the large food spread that usually make somebody sick and arguments never to fail. Over the years family grew apart and they did not abandon or disown me - I disowned them and wrote them off as they become a huge source of my depression and anxiety. I'll never know what its like to have this family I see on TV and people that love and care about you. I wouldn't even want that right now and the holidays only make people feel guilty and seek this out when (in some cases) some dysfunctional family units should not even attempt to (re)create this hallmark card depiction of the traditional Christmas dinner. Just my humble opinion and I mean no disrespect to anyone that finds happiness and joy from the holidays. I would never wish to take that away from other that have it. Count me out of that sort of thing though. For some reason this year is worse and I'll just keep to myself the reason why, for me anyway.

    Okay, I should unplug the computer as I'm no longer thinking logically. Sorry if I offended anybody reading. Just me going on (and-on-and-on) about my pretty pathetic life.

  6. #26
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    Thanks for the read! Hope this finds you feeling well enough.

    I for one am glad you shared. Feels good I'm not the only one doing like so.

    You have good awareness Sal.

  7. #27
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    I second that. Vent as much as you want, Salvator.. There’s nothing much else happening on the forum anyway.

    You don’t sound like a complete basket case. I feel like that a lot, myself, even though I rationally know I’m not. Mine comes from having a really critical, perfectionistic parent, which has become my inner voice.

    Anyway, it’s getting late here and I can’t write as well as I’d like to (see, perfectionism!) so bye for now
    Everyone's chasing
    That holy feeling
    And if we don't stay lit we'll blow out
    Blow out

    P!nk, Beautiful Trauma

    https://gypsylee.simdif.com (anxiety and stuff)

  8. #28
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    Gypsy ... You just scored 10/10 because you are perfect just the way you are.

    Sal ... I feel the same way about Xmas and society in general. That realization is a process that's as much about us as it is others. Imo your starting to see clearly. Your one of the special ones. Forgive me if sounds cliche. Out of 40 million people waiting at a London bus stop, the only one I would strike up a conversation with ... would be you.

    Not that either of us would have any reason to be in London. Shudders at that very thought.
    Last edited by Ponder; 12-06-2017 at 12:59 PM.

  9. #29
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    Thanks so much guys.

    Agree with ponder, Gypsy this one is for you

    P!nk ~ Fuckin Perfect

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ocDlOD1Hw9k

    Thanks Ponder, and that did make me chuckle a bit Would you believe this.. I've never EVER been on a vacation. Never! I've always hoped to travel out of the country some day. Maybe one day. If I even make it out of the house and to the next city over I consider that a vacation sad to say

    Seriously though, I'll write more later because I want to respond better to your post about the realizations process and seeing things clearly. I'll just say this because its what is coming to mind, so I"ll just get it out now. I guess once ones "eyes" are wide open (and the rose colored glasses are removed), couldn't (shouldn't) just go back in the dark and ignore it. I don't think I could even if I wanted to. I used to very Nave. I don't know.

    Special is right though... no doubt one of a kind, that is me :evil:

    Thanks again.
    Last edited by salvator here; 12-06-2017 at 04:14 PM.

  10. #30
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    Awww thanks guys. Haven’t had much sleep and feeling a bit sick in the stomach at the moment so your kind words mean a lot.
    Everyone's chasing
    That holy feeling
    And if we don't stay lit we'll blow out
    Blow out

    P!nk, Beautiful Trauma

    https://gypsylee.simdif.com (anxiety and stuff)

 

 

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