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  1. #1
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    I Worry I Won't Find My Way Back - PLEASE HELP!!!

    Sorry I don't post anymore, just not doing well at all, and its getting very scary now.

    I'm having times where I lose myself so badly, and so severely that its getting harder and harder to find my way back and regain my own personality traits again. I'm struggling very badly and disassociating so much that I don't even recognize myself in photos. Recently I had my photo taken (I normally refuse to have my picture taken because its too painful) and remember I was suffering at the time of the photo. When seeing me in the photo I hardly recognize myself, especially in the eyes, as I look like somebody else; I resemble the person/personality I was portraying at the time, and its getting worrisome.

    Since my return from 2 hospitalizations (1 late last year, and 1 early this year), its been pretty much a circus in my head and up and down and I've been unpredictable/inconsistent to say the very least. Honestly I possibly should not have even been discharged had they been paying attention, or actually cared. Truthfully, they just let me go because I don't have good insurance and don't have the funds to pay.

    I can't go back to the hospital anymore. I already have large unpaid bills and can't afford to get in any further financial trouble only to be cast aside only to wind up right back at square 1 again.

    I just can't do this anymore. I hardly go out as it is and spend as little time as possible around people now.

    I'm feeling pretty hopeless now and don't see any light at the end of the tunnel for myself. I've been thinking about suicide every day (several times a day actually), its starting to seem like the only answer to this mess. I've already called suicide hotlines several times and it really does no good at all. Nobody cares anyway and I get the feeling they are laughing under their breath. I can't afford to follow through with anything they suggest anyway. They have suggested day programs many times and my response it always the same.. 'is it free??'.. they shut right up on that. They only say to go to the hospital and where has that gotten me?!

    I don't know what to do at this point, but its reaching the point that I tired of fighting for now reason.

    I'm not getting better; only worse! I've been in and out of the hospital several times over the last 10+ years and I've never fully recovered from my breakdowns. With each one I've gotten even more out of touch with reality and I don't really want to do it anymore. I've become bitter and hateful towards the world and society and its eating me up every second I breathe. Its painful and wearing. I didn't want to become this way, but its happened.

    Sometimes I feel its just too late and I don't like what I see up ahead. I don't now how to change things. I don't know what to do?! Not a clue. Just waiting hoping and praying that the time I feel somewhat normal it will last and will stick, but those times are few and far in-between.

    There are so many other things I just can't go into right now (maybe another time when if I can think clearly enough), but just too much on my plate and I and getting weaker instead of stronger. What seems to work for others (and should logically work) just doesn't for me. Meds didn't work.. therapy didn't really help.. all the advice from medical professionals just didn't apply to me or what I'm going through and that only makes me feel all alone. I've actually been told this [exact words from an APRN] "we can't help some people, and some people can't be helped".

    I'm sorry.. I know this makes little sense and is loaded with errors, I'm just not doing well at all and haven't even left the house in well over 2 weeks. I wish I could just say I'm feeling manic/anxiety/depression, but there is much more to the situation than that.

    Again sorry.. I don't even know what I'm expecting by posting this.. but any advice is greatly appreciated.

  2. #2
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    I sent you a PM.. *hugs*
    Everyone's chasing
    That holy feeling
    And if we don't stay lit we'll blow out
    Blow out

    P!nk, Beautiful Trauma

    https://gypsylee.simdif.com (anxiety and stuff)

  3. #3
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    Thank you for the PM and hugs, Gypsy. Sorry I didn't reply. I haven't been doing well at all. I just don't know what else to say at this point. Just out of words and out of steam. See no logical reason to even bother trying. Actually I have lots to say but there is not point and it won't do any good. Its just not that simply as anxiety and/or depression now; I'm fighting a losing battle is seems. No help, nowhere and nobody to turn. All too much on my plate with no resources in which to deal/handle everything. I feel like life has "gotten me'.

  4. #4
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    Heya Salvator, that's ok I've been struggling as well.
    Everyone's chasing
    That holy feeling
    And if we don't stay lit we'll blow out
    Blow out

    P!nk, Beautiful Trauma

    https://gypsylee.simdif.com (anxiety and stuff)

  5. #5
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    I'm sorry you've also been struggling.

    Let's hope we both catch a break...soon

  6. #6
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    Just to clarify a bit on the original topic.

    I feel I'm losing myself into severe depersonalization and disassociation. At times, I don't know whom I am and I have to really struggle to find my (way back to) my real identity. Sorry again, I may not be making sense again, but hopefully you get it. Weeks at a time I feel like somebody else and I realize its a (bad) coping mechanism. Sometimes I wonder (have for quite some time) if I indeed suffer from some form of DID. I think its possible, but even if I did, I'm not so sure I would want to correct it. I just wish I was able to maintain myself throughout it and have it be more of a persona, rather than a total jekyll and hyde thing (which sometimes It IS lately).

    That being said, given enough time, I do manage to find myself. Its getting so severe that with each time this happens, it takes longer and longer to regain myself and my footing. At least I'm alone so I there really isn't that many people to even notice the change. The few people I do run into regularly at stores like the cashiers and clerks notice it, though. They just think I'm totally nuts so again I don't really care.

    At this point, I'm actually afraid to even see a doctor about this. They would likely commit me once again because I become unpredictable and unstable. To be honest here.. the last several weeks were somewhat of a blur and I was very unstable. Some things I cant and shouldn't mention but I was in a dark place and somehow it slightly lifted a bit late last week. Still feel weak/shaky and poor balance on my feet walking. Can't concentrate or read well now. Suffering flashbacks badly and feeling just surreal overall. Haven't gone out much and being around people is bad because I appear "disturbed" and I just can't hide it now, or even disguise it enough to get by. Stuttering and nervous speaking.

    Okay, that's about it for now I guess.

    Maybe I'll write more later because I do have so much to say and maybe just blurting it all out could help.

    ....Nap time for now!
    Last edited by salvator here; 05-25-2017 at 11:35 PM.

  7. #7
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    Hi Sal. I hope your resting well. Was just thinking about how to reply to your interest in life after death. I can see now why your wishing to know. Life sure can be hard. I know that fringe your on very well. I got to tell ya though - and this is coming from a guy who's placed a roped around his neck more than once - suicide is just as traumatic as our living hell. It's not the answer and in many cases it ends up making life even more unbearable after the fact; regardless of a botched job or not. The fact that we get to a point that we seriously think about it destroys brain cells like multiple hard core binge session all at once. Take solace in knowing your not alone as there are quite a few of us in this forum right now not doing so well. Far be it for me to mention names, but I do read and pick up on various posts. Indeed there are a number of us struggling like so. Nevertheless your pain is your own ... that is if you have no place or way to express. Thankfully you have this forum and also a talent for writing. I know as I have read well a number of your other threads.

    I've started going back to nature. It helps to quiet all the noise in my head - dulls the constant ringing in my ears and helps to reduce overall emotional pain. I'm back on a waiting list for a service called PHaMs (Personal Helpers & Mentoring Service) because like you I have been struggling to communicate and process full stop. I was really bad about 4 weeks ago and whilst I have made gains by trying to eat right, exercise, psychotherapy, journaling and vloging, among other things ... I still struggle in many social situations. For me there is an element of permanent damage, however whilst I can accept that ... I also refuse to see it as an unfortunate thing. I know that no matter how hard things get, there is always a way to rejoin the dots, rebuild the bridges, reconnect and or simply find another track.

    Recharge man ... just like you finished your above post - Time for a Nap! I get so wound up that my brain refuses to sleep; even when my body has had enough. I often go on the nod in front of my telly watching my favorite episodes. That's when I should really go and lay down and take a proper nap. SLEEP is crucial to our mental health. It why I push my body the way I do, as well as feed it with real food.

    I don't know what's going on in your life right now or the others ... all I can say is try to focus on breathing - Go find a tree ... even if you live in the city - find a tree and go sit or stand near it. Forget about trying to find out who you are. I can tell you living as a Lost Soul is not so bad once you ride with it. In fact is has advantages. Alas it helps to be around plants to get some kind of focus. Hold your palms face up and look at your hands. Try to feel the life force flowing through the tips of your fingers. When you say you feel faint and dizzy ... take a moment to feel the electricity ... the tingles. Rub the tips of your fingers of your left hand very gently and slowly against those your right. Look at all your fingers at the same time just before they make contact ... FEEL them make contact before they contact. Now if your still not feeling it ... blow gently into the palm of one hand and then lightly brush the soft skin of your palm with the finger tips of your other hand. I'm pretty sure if your still breathing, you'll now start to connect with one of your senses.

    During this whole process ... that is to say if your successful in making contact with your body re feeling it; you should find the those racing thoughts or just dull depressive ones had momentarily taken a vacation. Echkart Tolle talks a lot about the benefits of inhabiting the body in order to take a break. Here is a 10 minute clip → Eckhart Tolle How to inhabit your body in a stressful environment

    Srry for too much text : ( ... Just trying to help ... give you something that can help with the pain. The technique of inhabiting the body in order to take a break from negative thoughts I find quite helpful is all.

    Thoughts are not so much the culprit- but sometimes it's more a case of the way we hold them.

    I'm sending you the very best thoughts I currently I have. Use them sparingly - I don't have many good ones left. Just kidding.

    Keep looking into the power of concessions. - for now ... just learn to inhabit your body for in that lay the power regardless of whether we know or not ... start learning to feel the unfathomable by accepting what's within. At least that's what I am telling myself.

    Peace as best you can generate it.
    Last edited by Ponder; 05-26-2017 at 05:37 AM.

  8. #8
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    Thank you very much for your reply Ponder. I've already read it several times and its quite helpful. Each time I take something else new away from it and I appreciate it that you took the time to write such personal advice.

    I may write more if needed, but for now, I will try to soak up what you've written and see if it makes a difference. There are parts of it that I was not considering and I think I should try to change my prospective and get away from traditional beliefs/teachings. For some those methods/techniques may work, just not for me so I should realize this and stop resisting it.

    So many thoughts and points have been jumping around that I would like to just blurt out which explained why I've just been sitting here typing and backspacing over and over; so I'll just leave it at that for now and appreciate the insight into myself that is currently happening and avoid gibberish typing.

    Thank you both for your healing energy as well.. It means more that you'll even know.

    Take care and no need to reply.

    EDIT:

    Jeeez...had to come back and correct all those crazy typos
    Last edited by salvator here; 05-26-2017 at 09:54 AM.

  9. #9
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ponder View Post
    For me there is an element of permanent damage, however whilst I can accept that ... I also refuse to see it as an unfortunate thing. I know that no matter how hard things get, there is always a way to rejoin the dots, rebuild the bridges, reconnect and or simply find another track.
    I truly hope that one day I will learn to also see it this way for myself.

  10. #10
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    Quote Originally Posted by salvator here View Post
    I truly hope that one day I will learn to also see it this way for myself.
    lên cho anh em cần

 

 

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