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  1. #461
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    Nothing to report ... Just wanted say to anyone reading: "I wish you well "
    ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

    Actually ... after claiming I was going to clean up my eating act ... I had a blow day with food. BUT that's OK. Blow Outs are perfectly acceptable in my book. Just don't ask me when it's going to be published. LOL ... It's an eternal production living itself out in the here and now. At least whilst your reading this.

    Night Night ... no rush tomorrow

  2. #462
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    No wonder my family was hung up on SEX: My brother often told me how he always felt guilty (RIP Bro ... not that he can hear me?) because he could not look at women without lust. Most of my family could not use the internet which is not uncommon for many Christian folk who struggle with Desire on daily basis. I too was often conflicted with what generally felt natural to me (if not for mummy and the text they had me read) although I did not seem as hung up on the thinking about it compared to those more devout than myself. Then again, I was pretty devout ... just not as brainwashed ... I was always asking so many damn questions; more than my christian family could bare.



    Alas ... the same fallibility is in secular society ... or at least why soft porn is the rage with most entertainment these days. Whilst I acknowledge my own dark shadow, it's not hard to see that which has been passed on is now commonly projected where most people think sex will solve their answers like a chocolate cake solves depression. OR if your having trouble crossing into the 5th dimension ... one moment please ... dial a soul mate ... wank wank and I'm ready to cross!

    As you can tell ... not much happening today.

    Finished watching the last ep of start trek voyager. Shame about discovery. Will just have to keep the entertainment going on in here.

    Hmmmm More frustrated with all facets of society that typically promote and sell likewise desires so cheap. Two sides of the coin ... Religion and Secular ... Taboo and can't not enough! They feed each other well and the result is Planet Earth 2017. I see no so called 'Shift' in sight. Not unless your saving up all that sexual energy? That's one for the puritans to contemplate. Don't look now ... You just missed your flame. Best dial up again and see how much for the next one.
    Last edited by Ponder; 10-22-2017 at 05:33 AM.

  3. #463
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    I guess I best balance things out a little - Going to bed with this one:


  4. #464
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    75.7KG - Failed Starts. I've had a few of those this time around as the season progresses from one to the next. Time to jump back on the scales. 75.7kg. Going by how I feel my optimal weight is around 72kg without any weight training or intense exercise of any kind. I was just doing it with food, relaxation and walking. As for BMI I have found that to misleading. If I was to drop my weight down to the supposed recorded BMI I would have to go all the way down to 59kg which would be paper thin for me. Whilst I am only 168cm 5.5 ... My bone density is comparatively thick compared to the average folk. I'll put that down to genetics, outdoor living and an easier life as a heavy laborer. Of course my bone density could take a dive if I stayed indoors and kept eating that fake food they sell at the supermarkets, driver-throughs and in the malls + lived an inactive life. I might want to give up the exercise, however becoming inactive is not an option.

    Of course I don't want to fall into the trap of just saying "I'm a thick bones person!" That excuse is quite laughable to me. Heard it too many times from people who seriously need to lose weight. I'll put down my goal weight for 69kg. Once again - LMFAO @ 59KG being my 'optimal' wieght according to the so called professionals that everyone says to go and see. Seriously 69kg is going to make my family start calling my Anna! hahahaha short for Anorexia. I was 69kg then. I felt pretty good! Sustaining it though was pretty tough. In order to reach what the professionals say for BMI ... I would have to lose a further TEN KILOS from 69kg where I was called Anaa ... to reach 59kg. At that weight getting out of bed to go for a piss would have me exhausted let alone trying to get through the most basic of my daily routine.

    So it is you can't take these BMI recommendations to heart. At any rate, let's see how I go trying to get back down to 69kgs. I'll let you know if the family resorts to calling me Anna. I'll let you know how I actually feel and if I am confident in sustaining it.

    Sounds like a plan. Something new to rave on and blog about.






  5. #465
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    Saw my therapist today and told her I'm giving up the whole 'integration thing' with attending the local mental health groups. Sick of trying to fit in. It's wearing me down. The social aspect is helpful, however the air of expectation to social challenges based on their guidelines is not only limiting but long term ... starts to feel oppressive. The clinical upgrade they recently had is really starting to weigh many of the clients down. Others are talking about going to less groups. The whole saga with music group (which should really just be called a Jam Session) reminded me just how much people are really like sheep. Everyone just following the words. So it is I brought these points up today and many more in the therapy session and decided it was time to give that place the flick. Might go back another time ... but not any time soon.

    I do like the Mentor program I am 'back' on. That's more of a personal affair not hemmed in with having to account for the wider group.

    Keeping my weight on track is still something of a priority, but I have to admit ... I think I need a break from being a 'try hard.' I have no doubt I will naturally fall back into my 'recovery/survival' mode ... but when I do it without having to feel as though I need to please the system ... then I will be more successful. Yep ... Time for a break for sure!!! No plans for self betterment and or fine tuning myself on any level. Fuck It!

    Phew ... I feel much better already.
    __________________________________________________ ____

    I guess that counts as being kind to myself. What's next ... ???

    How about being kind to others? Yea ... Helping my wife with a new project. Remember how we started up and still have that charity running to help people at risk of homelessness by advocating for them in matters of tenancy issues? Well my wife is getting involved in a new scheme to assist women in domestic violence. Seems to be more groups popping up taking matters into their own hands. The only thing I don't like about such groups is when the government starts controlling them. At them moment I am once again doing trailer runs but this time opening up my shed to assist with furniture for those that qualify for emergency housing. We did some laundry for another group which also provides clothes:

    You know me ... always looking for a photo opp



    It's one thing to do loving and kindness meditation and send good vibes, then another to do something a little more tangible. As long as I don't have to deal with too many self righteous donators asking "Now are you sure it's going to the right person?" My wife deals much better with those types than do I. Grrrrrrrrrrr. I just hitch the trailer and do the loading and unloading.

    Nothing else to report.

    Night Night ... ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zz
    Last edited by Ponder; 10-23-2017 at 05:53 AM.

  6. #466
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    Vlog - I installed 3 Indie Games. Proteus, FugI & a Autumn. All relaxation Zen like Games. I meant to upload earlier Barong but fell to sleep. %am my time now ... I was up a bit late and had a huge day yesterday doing some charity work. Going Back to lay down for a bit. Once I sort out my morning routine I'll be looking forward to start getting more familiar with these games. I'll for sure end up trying my hand of the Darker Indie Games later on down the track like INSIDE and the like. It's good to have some games where the purpose is not to really have any other then just enjoy the experience as I perceive.


  7. #467
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    To keep things balanced I took out my tier 9 heavy tank and devastated the playing filed!


  8. #468
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    Cool vlog. Reminds me of how I used to play games as a kid. I'd do the missions for a bit, but would then get a kick out of just wandering around.

  9. #469
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    Hi Martin. Yea ... Guild Wars was very much like that for me. I have reinstalled it. Just waiting for a friend of mine to get computer back and install it himself. I often wandered off in that game. It was partly why I selected Ranger and Beastmaster as my Char.

    Great to see you back in the forum.

    Note to self. Just finished up doing a collab on youtube with the infamous ← just kidding : ) Barong Baj Baj who has an awesome youtube channel! It's good to see a few people now outreaching using youtube. WonderBro is another forum user who has a channel on Mental Health as well.

    For now I just wanted to make a note for myself as I have such a failing memory these days.

    I would like to expand in my own channel and perhaps in here about my brothers Passive Suicide. It was a topic that came up in Barong's video we just finished. What is passive suicide? Good Question! I also would like to expand more on what drove my brother to such a mindset and ultimately his untimely death. More over why I beleive he gave up like so and was unable to break out of his drug induced psychosis. To be fair ... I always refer to the later more as religiously induced but lately coming to see it even more universally byproduct of our "imperfect system" to borrow a terms many clinical professionals are so quick to infer.

    I am thankful to Barong (Thx Barong!) for inviting me to talk on his channel. I'm just now thinking to make a few notes to come up with a bit more content for myself. Once again, I will link to that youtube vid once the editing and uploading is done.

    I think more later when I have time on this issue of Passive Suicide as I beleive is very much a major issue in our current times.

    Adios ... until next post.
    Last edited by Ponder; 10-26-2017 at 10:46 PM.

  10. #470
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    Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking:
    Possibly not the best time to make an entry, however I have a video rendering in the background that I wish to upload tonight whilst sleeping so will pass the time with a little rambling. I might put off the side note above and recommend a book I am listening to at the moment which offers a lot of psychological insights into the area of Introverts and Extroverts. I would do well to upload chapter one however run the risk of the copy right police jumping down my throat! Sigh. That kind of thing frustrate me a lot. More so people that threaten others for sharing like so.

    Anyways here is the book on Amazon:
    Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking


    The video above has more episode available on this topic. (Mostly quotes from the book the relative notes to presenters experinace) Be sure to look on the you tube side bar to the more eps.

    I've been assimilation Chapter One via an Audio Book version. This time not text to speech but a professional reader. I actually like the tone of the reader who reminds me of another audio book I own. A very gentle and soft speaker.

    The main thing I remind myself as this book unfolds is to remind myself that one can be anywhere on the spectrum between Introvert and Extrovert and NOT to box oneself in via labeling one self either way. It's not that simple. It really pays to remain open whilst digesting this book. Doing so enable one to take so much more in. What really stood out in this book for me is the how society props up extroverted behavior and why is does. In contrasts to that it also highlights how society frowns upon the introvert. One comment that I found aligned with my thinking on amazon was that book is really beneficial for highly sensitive people.

    I actually see other elements that fit into the context of the messages that come to light that again remind me NOT to get too hung up on being either introvert or extrovert. Thankfully this is talked about in the book. People tent to CLING to one of the other as we typically do to any label and in the doing of so we severely limit ourselves. Thankfully my insights from Echkart Tolle keep my mindful of such traps. Every book/author/Title has an agenda and at times can be easy for readers to lose themselves with tick and flick questions by way of answers that feed to ones desire/s of wishing to be a certain way. Again ... it can be such a grey area that requires mindfulness in order to reap the most from these kind of books.

    I'm finding it an excellent read myself despite being somewhat and reaming somewhat skeptical. Only because we a so prone to box ourselves in with being one way or another. It saddens me when I see it happening so often in forums like these. Many books add to this problem by not reiterating the need to be mindful when listening as too most of the labeling systems being more a spectral indicator as opposed to absolute categorizations. I for one take on many forms of both Introvert and Extrovert and that affect is influence not only by genes, but also past experience as well as environment and ongoing experiences. It's an ever evolving state of being which plays into other elements/ dynamics of behavioral and social events that expend into further fields of the psyche.
    _________________________________________

    Played some more World Of Tanks (Pc Game) today and met a 60+ yld who lives on a boat in the US Florida. Not everyday I platoon with people so readily to jump on their mics and have a chat. Sadly having trouble rending that episode ... I will try one more time.
    Last edited by Ponder; 10-27-2017 at 05:35 AM.

 

 

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