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  1. #511
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    Yea ... just going over that thread once more and from page 80 on ... it relly does open up a can of worms. No wonder I am not doing well. You know that pastor actually had a web site that is now closed like all the others associated with this mess where he talks about his uni degree outline behavioral methods used on young boys. How to make them comply and submit ... kind of thing. It really was an insight of sorts considering the abuse he inflicted on not just us boys but the girls as well. To think he was awarded some bullshit honorary medal of the highest degree that is still today not been overturned.

    Here they wish to give compensation YET allow this award to still be valid. Is how his family want to remember him. I reckon given this admission of guilt re the BS money ... there should be a case with overturning said medal.

    We at least got the pedophile from the primary school sacked as he was actually in a position of power within the court system. That was a fucking outrage when my wife and I discovered that. They did not hesitate to remove him when we brought his history to attention. Poor little bro attended the same school where he worked ... the mind boggles!

    Alas ... no one wants to really know the truth. Just throw a $$$ into the mix. She'll be fucking right. Home and hose ... problem fixed! Pffft

    OK logging off ... might actually see how long I can stay away as well. No doubt shamed myself to some degree ... but does that really need be? My therapist may reason this shit I am going through now is quite valid ... for me to be feeling as I do. I'm not into burring this kind of thing. If I did that when sleeping in the gutter back in 87 ... I would for sure of killed myself then. Hardened and tempered I be ... but this is why I hate the term being called tough.

    Hmmmm ... Alas ... there has to be more than just simply living ... or learning to live with it. Context is everything I guess.

    3 2 1 ...

    At least we got a yes for gay marriage. That's a good win in my book! Perhaps there is hope after all.

    Seriously Dave ... Log Off!!!
    Last edited by Ponder; 11-15-2017 at 07:27 AM.

  2. #512
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    This morning I came close to almost making an appointment to start taking meds once again ... almost! Instead I am right now coppying over a playlist as have decided to start doing 10K runs again. Straight out my door, over the pavement and up the hills; although will use what grass is available when the route permits. In additional to that I will just do push-ups till I drop when feeling like heading into the shed looking for a rope. Is the best solution for now. Also just keep dumping in here ... although trying my best to avoid that. Truth is ... I am still feeling like shit ... although hazy after taking those Valerian last night. I will mostly have some pickups today at any rate so that might help to keep things off my mind. It really is like day one of my brothers death all over again. Sigh.

    Somehow I will get through this ... just like I did before. I might actually go pop back into the mental health facility I have been avoiding of late. At least I can get some free one to ones down there ... although sometimes it may be best to avoid doing so as not sure if the focus will do me good? Just like now one might reason ... although my songs have finally copied over and now I head out the door.

    Minecraft today for sure. World of Tanks I think too much right now. OCD laying of bricks will tide me over for sure!

    Sigh ... time to put myself through the paces.

  3. #513
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    ... AND YET I SMILE ... BUT ... now feel like Ezekiel walking back into camp without his tiger as depicted on last episode of walking dead.

  4. #514
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    Hi Ponder. Sorry all of this has been dragged up again. I hope you're able to reach equilibrium some time soon.

    Is your spiritual practice of any use at the moment? You mention Tolle a lot is this thread, and having casually read the books a few years ago, I remember him talking a lot about letting go of the attachment to the past and judgement of things, which he says comes from the ego. Also talks about letting thoughts and emotions come and go. Easier said than done though, I know.

  5. #515
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    Thanks Martin ... my tanks is empty tonight. I made some alterations to previous posts and going to rest for a whiles.

    Appreciate you reaching out. TY.

  6. #516
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    You’ve got good balance Martin. I’ve noticed that between your light hearted, fun, and encouraging posts. That said your welcome to share ‘any’ of your less than favourable experiences with me.

    Yea … I’ve well and truly been knocked off the rails since having contact with my sister and the dynamics surrounding that. I indeed know very well the points you raise with Echkart Tolle and thankful that you have brought them up. Fact is for all I know ... or think I know, which really for all the talking I have done; is really next to nothing. BUT ... I do know that I have to allow myself to experience what comes and that's pretty much what I do regardless of how off putting that may be for others. Especially myself!

    What Echkart says on the surface comes with a LOT of insight that can only be obtained through personal experience and not through the reading of words. The connection we make with said text is only as good as our ability to learn from all that we have endured. I think endure is a good word as that can also include all the positive experiences as well [nothing like that crap this is streamed on radio, tv, daily home pages and all that jazz] ... the way in which we weigh both the suffering and desire to move on seems to be key in all of that for me. That 'Way' being the Rock Bottom that Echkart talks about in his book The Power of Now. More so how it is in fact a prerequisite in order to grow. That being an obscure context but works for me.

    I'm still riding with the pain that's surfaced most recently. I need to let it takes it course [by feeling the pain] before I can let that experience go. I hit out in here as I do. Places like this allow us to (grow if we can bare to endure) do so. Or at least I have been permitted to do so in this forum at least. Note* This aspect I note has been praised by varioius forum members quoting in their own way the various benefits that come from the self moderation that takes place here on AF. I do hope this dynamic remains for sometime yet. Other Mental Health Forum online are quick to shut down people who personally express or even worse ... they change their words and then resubmit. Doing so damages the most vulnerable of us all. I would reason that in the end it protects no one but more enables. Again ... not black and white. A topic for another time. Pros and Cons on both sides.

    Hmmm - There is more pain to come for me yet with this whole compensation for abuse back in my past and the alleged damage it has done. (Past, Present and Future dialogue more than any kind of proposed closure ... the compensation process by legal standards encourages it actually and often winds up with more people doing themselves in. Food for thought is all ... another grey area.) I always said how I hated how people were crying out for the money with the Royal Commission and also the way the Royal Commission was just a smoke screen to undesirable/embarrassing exposure - acting like a puppets for the elites ... yet I fell in line/succumbed to the systems carrot waving and actually directed all of those who made contact with me (to the commission) resultant from my expression of pain re my other thread in this here forum. I'm still oozing out my own conflicting BS as I continue living. This is to be sure. My only thing is that I am always doing it live for everyone to see. ... I smile slightly because for all the vulnerability and form of insecurities others may peg to that ... it's actually helped me (and others) more than for all the damage it's done. It's who I be. Transparent ... regardless if detriment as I've just said. That said ... I do still hold a lot in ... it's just that I don't seem to do well holding back ... when perhaps many times I should. Yet another balance thing I am working on in order to be more socially apt. Maybe part of my new DX regarding Adult ASD ... but then that in itself can be an identification trap ... re - Echkart ... but not so black and white as this world for all it's faults does require a kind of categorization in order for those less apt to receive the basics in order to breathe. Sigh ... again ... less is more to let go of all that!

    The latter now helping me to deal with this Compensation Trap. At least helping me to better process the pain ... as to your well timed reply and better yet ... the direction in which it has helped me focus. Again ... you got good tact Martin.

    Others will cling to the pain in order to make some kind of appeal so that they can get more. That's exactly what echkart says that drives and creates more pain. It's also exactly how our system operates ... generating more pain as it continues passing the buck.

    The system wants to pay me and others off, while my grandson is being authorized to have visits with a father the courts know has previously beaten him and his other kids ... no doubt due to the fathers own inability to handle the residual pain that Echkart often reiterates from book to book. It's a cycle to be sure. I am deeply connected to it at the core. I have worked hard to break the tendrils but am still super sensitive to the potential of both negative and positive states of energy. Sadly due to the long term effect of negative influences in my life outside of my control '&' of course those unconscious choices I have made and still continue making today ... the effort required in order for me to keep on track or not be sucked into a black whole is quite extreme. ... but that is OK ... I seem to inherently understand the process enough to keep myself getting back up and know that my purpose is to endure ... to help those still close to me and perhaps even those like yourself who are kind, generous and interested enough to read or just know a little about me.

    I get on with me day and let some of that sink in for myself as I take in your kind words re equilibrium.

    Thanks again.
    Last edited by Ponder; Yesterday at 07:01 PM.

  7. #517
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    Hope this finds you well sis.

  8. #518
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    I appreciate you taking the time to write all that up! You didn't have to, but it was cool of you to share your thoughts.

    Hope the day treats you well, although I'm never too sure what part of it you guys are experiencing all the way down there, lol.

    Will try and write something a little more substantial when I've got more time.

 

 

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