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  1. #91
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    Vlog 4 - My Analysis of My Diagnosis - 5 Years On: LONG RAMBLE - *Note Video quality low due to duration and data limit. Uploaded from my phone.

    Is somewhat repetitive for those following in here, however it part of the process. This is also the opening of my New Blog in an ASD forum where my wife reckons I will be better understood. At least in terms of my one track mind.


  2. #92
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    Trigger Warning!!! → Correction. There was one time that I did harm to others and I had mentioned it quite some time ago. I regret it very much but still stand by my genuine intention not to harm others and have great remorse for all those times I have lost control. I'd like to wrap this up on a good note although no doubt setting up for another long post. I rather enjoy as is part of my letting go. Those that think they know me may question the length of this process which I am more than mindful of ... the addictive quality to repeating one's story. Let's just say it gets easier each time the tale is told.
    _______________________________

    The lowest point in my life. No heading required.

    Apart from the odd scrap that comes from a history of drugs and incarceration (more so in juvenile / minimal time as adult [I learned quick once I changed tanks]) I stand by my claim that I've always tended towards resolution rather then conflict. The one time I did lose control and seriously harmed another/s was hunting down men that preyed upon young boys who they themselves sold their bodies for the means to self medicate. Although I thought I was quite mature for a 17 y/o - It's only now that I realise ... given my history of rejection prior to those events; just how much I was still a little boy. Yes this is a repeat ... but wanted to be honest when I said I had not harmed another as well share with others who may have suffered similarly - no matter the differences. Stories like this left unchecked have the potential go cancerous.

    I felt my soul ripped from self once I realized I allowed myself to be abused. Then I felt just as guilty as the men that used me. The conflict from a biblical stand point, given the extent of the extreme preconditioned sense of wrong & right, between ages 7 & 12 ... I can now truly say that YES - Indeed ... I was short circuited! (The brainwashing from a religious perspective stop @ 12 as that's when my mother sold us kids out) It was within this context that after getting rolling drunk - to which at that point I was more staring into space that I and a few others (me one of a few living in denial but deeply attached to my friends whom were less worried about what others thought) would then proceed to wait for lone predators ... one of us would lead the now intended victim into a corner with no escape where the others & or myself would swoop on in and purge without end.

    This period (1987-89) of my life was literally a living hell. I ended up waking up once or twice a victim of worse circumstances yet. I gave up hurting others with such venom after that as one has to have a soul in order to purge. I had to be cornered and set upon in order for me to fight me way out. I just bluffed during those time when imprisoned and or knew the prime times when to submit without losing face when mixing with aligned peers.
    __________________________________________________ __________

    That is the extent of my harming others. The suffering that surrounded that period was only one form of many previously experience and yet to come. My ability to talk freely about it now is - hmmmm - we I guess it says something about the resolve that has seen me come out the other end; regardless of the - hmmmm - impairments. (The environmental factors & experiences that relate to elements of trauma not discounting generational predispositions with facets of Echkart Tolle's Residual Effect AKA my common reference - BYPROUCT) I've always said that as a child I had a deep connection with the way I view the world. My connection with GOD as I understood him as a child was although torn at that point I realized what I had done to myself and others in 87 ... no doubt came to see me through to that other end. I just no longer view that power as external, but more from within. My "Christian" upbringing would still take me another two decades before my wings started to expand.

    Whilst I got holes and my wings be tattered, I'm no longer have hatred for either predators in or out of the church. What happened happened. I'm not ashamed - My head hangs today more from weary than anything else. The continual need to be held accountable from an economic stand point. I guess that's my current unresolved conflict that's currently playing out. I take things to extremes in order to burn them out. Mostly those things I want nothing really to do with, whilst at the same time talking myself into them as if that's what I really want.
    __________________________________________________ __________________

    At least I can see that much. I guess I am still searching to beleive in something rather than not, and that something being myself. The next trick to pull out of the hat is to start trusting others.

    On that note ... I think I'll wait a good few days. I'll Check back in after my next therapy session which is WED next week.

    I've been having a lot due to the process of updated DX and make adjustments to my mental health plan. I know it seems really unstable now ... but I know these kind of growing pains will help me deal with what is yet to come - not just that pain. Life is still worth living. I just need to find a place where positive interactions take place. Whilst it takes me some effort, I can say the mental health Centre I attend is a place such as that.

    Time to give all this self reflection a break as too - today's analytical tick tick ... time to find a more spiritually inclined train of thought. I will do that somewhere else.


    Adios ... until after my next therapy visit.

    Good luck with your own Tick Tick
    Last edited by Ponder; 05-19-2017 at 04:04 AM.

  3. #93
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    Going Out My Front Door. Ended up doing another Vlog (easier than writing at this stage) - Dealing with things @ the Gym and looking to disconnected from the pressures of having to fit in:


  4. #94
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    Energy psychiatry - Emotional Freedom:

    "Energy psychiatry is a combination of conventional medicine, intuition, spirituality and energy. This is a new and important approach to conventional psychiatry. It is significant because it addresses problems and situations of which conventional medicine is unaware" The Energy Psychiatry of Judith Orloff, M.D. by Russ Mason, M.S.
    ________________________________________
    So I've posted a couple of vids now in which I've expressed deeply and made connections with myself on various lvls. My Vog therapy is no more than a reflection into which I can experience myself on another plain. It matters little in regards to likes and subscribes. I find the latter to be a rather destabilizing dynamic in the same context as over prescribed medications and their reliance.

    So it is that I'm now checking in with myself. I feel a healthy compulsion to change my tune now having looked backed several times in my animated mirror. I intended to do as much after my vlog analysis of my diagnosis. I felt the need to go down a spiritual path. I've read many times how spiritually has healed the most broken and misunderstood within the most toxic of societies.

    As I have very briefly mentioned in either my previous videos and in various posts at different mental health forums, I've had a very traumatic upbringing under the banner of religion. I'd like to focus briefly "at another time" the correlation between Religion and Clinical/Conventional Practices. Moreover the difference between the ideologies of church & state (being one & the same) to that of a healthy positive spiritual connection with oneself and the resulting well being that comes from being able to connect with the world no matter how grim.

    That's about as concise for now in which I intent to change my path. I'm still under a lot of pressure to conform, get an updated DX and fit into varioius boxes in order to account for the air I breath. That's the negative part of Society that I've already expressed to which I intent to leave / dissociate. Be in the world but not of the world. Time to make that part of my life nothing more than routine. Perhaps I will just touch on it briefly no more than to scratch an itch whilst keeping focused on what really matters to me. Time to change my focal points.

    I think my heading paints well the direction into which I shall take. I have some experience with the book "Emotional Freedom by Judith Orloff M.D." The whole topic on Energy Psychiatry seems to resonate really well for me. I remember well how that booked helped me connect to Nature ... help me understand not only myself but also others around me. I was pretty zen back then ... disconnected from all that hustle and bustle. I was even able to ignore all the fear mongering of church and start; better able to navigate knowing full well it mattered not if I did not fit their hoops or measure up.

    I'm in a good way to nail my gym session now - this is how making positive intentions ad breaking negative connections works.
    Last edited by Ponder; 05-21-2017 at 03:57 PM.

  5. #95

  6. #96
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    Suddenly Disconnected Alone, Lost & in Despair Then Nothing. Freedom!

    Suddenly Disconnected – Alone, Lost & in Despair – Then Nothing. – Freedom!

    I’m all for disconnecting in a world seemingly full of pain, however last night when suddenly such took place inside my dream; I was left alone, lost and in despair.
    My wife and I were walking through a busy boulevard in some unknown city. I was distracted by all manner of things that popped in and out of existence with each consecutive step. I remember discussing one of these distractions with my wife, but later lost touch with her during my attempts to connect with passerbys.

    The best I could see was maybe the silhouette of my wife’s head. Before I could reach the spot where I thought my wife to last be, the crowds had dispersed and there I stood … looking around in a what then felt like a cold – damp - dark and deserted city; yet plenty of people were still about wearing summer clothes, the sun still shining and riding high.

    I could not remember where we were staying and did not know where I was standing. Slowly as I took in this new reality, what was left of the former started to fade and then was gone. So it was that I went from feeling lost, alone and in despair to feeling nothing.

    …then I woke up and wrote this.
    __________________________________________________ ____________

    Observational Thoughts:

    Perhaps disconnecting is a process that requires discomfort in order to be free. I believe this to be the case with disidenifcation as it relates to the teachings of Eckhart Tolle. (His 2min video explanation) Facing one’s fear within - as perceived from past and present conditioning that is terrified of being; keeps us eternally fixated with relentless thoughtstreams. There is nothing in this world that can define us so as long as we do not attach ourselves to meaningless things. Furthermore, the ability to let go, is more crucial than that of one’s capacity to obtain. The latter being rampant in a world that creates people like tubes with their sole purpose to consume.

    My dream is nothing more than a process to disconnect from embedded fear. To release that which binds me and seeks that which frees me. To no longer let my thoughts control me. Where do thoughts come from → (Tolle 10 minute video explanation)
    Last edited by Ponder; 05-22-2017 at 05:53 PM.

  7. #97
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    Perhaps disconnecting is a process that requires discomfort in order to be free.
    I haven't practised enough of Tolle's teachings to be able to agree or disagree with that, but I'm inclined to agree based on my (basic) understanding of Zen. I think there's something perversely comfortable about our pain and our personal story. Despite it being dysfunctional, it gives us some form of grounding in a chaotic and unpredictable universe. I think the reason we cling so tightly to it is because being without a story, an identity, and a complete set of labels is even more unnerving to our primitive psyche -- though people do get there with practice and appear all the better for it.

    There's a lot of great literature out there on the turbulence one encounters when they let go of pain, and even themselves. Often the road is really rocky. That's something I think Tolle alludes to when he says the ego will fight back. Not sure if you've heard of the term spiritual crisis? The term "Dark Night of the Soul" is also worth reading about. You can get an idea of the good and the bad one encounters on a spiritual journey.

    I think in a way, mental illness gives you a nudge in a more spiritual direction, as you're more inclined to look deeper into yourself compared to somebody who's been very successful in life, classically speaking. It's no surprise most of those big in the spiritual field suffered from anxiety, depression, drug issues, or just general dissatisfaction.
    Last edited by martin05; 05-23-2017 at 01:28 PM.

  8. #98
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    Is all good - Need we agree or disagree? Tolle also talks a lot about that. I do however feel you have made some very good points. I have come to find feeling very important martin. I have heard of the "Dark Night of the Soul" a few times; but not quire sure of how its used or its context. I will briefly check out when later before making another post. I find your closing words to be somewhat consoling.

    It's been a long time since I have gone on about "my" "story." I like to think it's more about shedding layers as I draw from that well from time to time. Part of that feeling process. I also explain about that some more when I come back ... in line with Echkarts teachings as I have come to understand.

    Again ... thanks for the direction Martin. Much appreciated.

    I hope your traveling pleasantly enough?

  9. #99
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    Quote Originally Posted by martin05 View Post
    It's no surprise most of those big in the spiritual field suffered from anxiety, depression, drug issues, or just general dissatisfaction.
    I'm reading "Revolution" by Russell Brand. He makes it pretty clear that he's into yoga and spirituality because he's done EVERYTHING ELSE - drugs, sex, money, fame - and none of it helped in the long run. He was originally an atheist.

    He makes a really interesting point that a lot of people suffer mild-moderate anxiety, which isn't enough to stop them functioning and living mundane lives, and that he's grateful for his more "extreme" life. I'll have to search for his exact words later because they're more interesting than mine
    We are problems that want to be solved
    We are children that need to be loved
    We were willing, we came when you called
    But man you fooled us, enough is enough

    P!nk, What About Us https://youtu.be/ClU3fctbGls

  10. #100
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    Ok, here's Russell's version:

    "I know so many people that shuffle along with anxiety and pain like a stone in their shoe, but because they're coping, holding down a job, not being forcibly institutionalised, they shuffle along, unaware that there is an alternative."

    I think both my parents - especially my mother, who is an extreme "worrier" - have lived their lives like that.

    My brother was also living his life like that before he ODed, and in one respect it was the secrecy of his drug use that killed him, because had he been more obvious about it (like I was with my alcoholism) someone might have been able to intervene. Several months before it happened I even asked him how his anxiety was and he told me he was fine. He obviously wasn't because the autopsy showed not only heroin in his system, but diazepam AND temazepam, and he wouldn't have acquired all those drugs unless he was suffering with anxiety.
    Last edited by gypsylee; 05-24-2017 at 01:36 AM.
    We are problems that want to be solved
    We are children that need to be loved
    We were willing, we came when you called
    But man you fooled us, enough is enough

    P!nk, What About Us https://youtu.be/ClU3fctbGls

 

 

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