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  1. #501
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    Vlog Entry. Now prepping for a Game of World of Tanks. Hope you enjoy the Video Barong ... also Martin. I included some photos and videos of birds and tortoises down by the pond. I had a few glitches with the editing Barong ... but getting there: I'll be ready 10AM your time ... I promise!!!


    __________________________________________________ __________________________________________________ __________________________________________________ _______SMILE!

  2. #502
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    Disclaimer - Effort Required!!! ... Positive Side Effects may ensue!!!
    _

    Time to get out of this chair,
    Hit the pavement outside my back door.
    Get my heart pumping -
    down my morning breakfast -
    then no more,
    or at least till I've soaked up some sun.
    Once all that is done -
    I can kick back,
    & play to my hearts content!

    Righto ... Now It's *&^%ING Time to MOVE!!!!

  3. #503
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    Playing Rough!

    Confidence Building - Unloading Tension whilst Inhibiting Aggression. Playing Rough.

    Playing rough in a loving way. Not for competition, not for sport ... I don't buy into the competitive nature of human society. I'm just helping the little guy work out his own limits and unload the tension that comes with living. Whilst I don't agree with much that's said (or misconstrued with marketed terms such as becoming more, finding meaning and being successful) there still can be snippets of info in the following lecture that makes a lot of sense. No doubt subjective to those listening.

    The Development of Aggression, ADHD and Antisocial Personality.




    Hey Barong ... Your username was successfully added to our Minecraft Realms Sever. Brand New World set up with Survival Mode On - Be warned ... Hardest settings are turned on. Let me know as we can arrange to have you Teleported to our starting point where safety can be found. Once your in ... there will be no more telaporting of that nature. We love to play hardcore ... building Massive Projects with every block and item crafted from scratch. Look forward to hearing form you soon. I really enjoyed catching up last night.

  4. #504
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    Hmmm It was actually good to hear from my sister, however I am feeling a little sick since hearing about the possibility of a compensation pay out for us kids that suffered at the hands the nightmare kids home I blew the whistle on back in 2014. I'll spare myself and others from the details as all has pretty much already been said. Money is such a terrible thing! As much as it would go a long way to doing whatever with ... all the ifs and buts that are still up in the air + the reminder of that pastor from hell ... Hmmm ... Like I said ... I'm feeling sick.

    Alas ... when I was asked my sister wanted my number I thought it might of been something about my step dad or mother having passed away. I would not know ... none of us have talked since my brothers death back in 2014. I tired reaching out once to bridge the gap but my mother rejected me yet again. This time I was thinking how I might talk with my sister to at least let her know I tried ... and that also the door was as open to her if she so wished. Turns out she wants to keep in touch. Regardless of what happens with the payout ... I guess I am happy for that.

    Alas ... I am not sure my wife is so happy about me being back in contact with sis. My wife is even more anti religion than me. I'm willing to look past that if my sister is serious about respecting my not having any beliefs. Quite an irony given my forum trigger post. Alas, I think my sister is wise enough not to use the trigger words with me. I certainly hope so, as I myself need to be mindful when talking about Buddha and like wise trigger words on the opposite side of the fence. You might think they are the same, but when it comes to religion ... many of them are opposed more than they are in sync.

    I don't know ... I do hope I will be able to have conversations once again without too many words like Blessed, God, Jesus, Hallelujah, Praying, Salvation and so on. Sigh ... But like I say ... without our own families on our own side of the fence which is yet another dynamic to this mess ... I guess there is room to attempt some kind of reconnection. Will have to come to respect. Using choice words that do not assume ... others believe as you/me.

    ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz Another Huge Day. Another late one as well.

    I worry my wife is not happy about this reconnection. Guess I will just keep it quiet. I don't know. I hate keeping quiet. Not my strong point. I just wish we call all get along. Wrong World!

  5. #505
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    Got up and completed a 40 minute circuit of jogging with good effort. Unfortunately I am feeling not very well. My allotted visits by the government to see my therapist has run out; just when I need to see her the most. I hate to say it ... but I am feeling as anxious when I was when spouting all that I did around the time of my brothers death; drugging up of all that 'stuff' we kids suffered at that place.

    It is extremely hard to clarify what's going on inside myself right now without souring my attempts to keep stable each day as I try. Go figure hey, just as I was getting frustrated at the amount of religious dialect senselessly bestowed in the forum of late ... then this 'stuff' of compensation re childhood abuse. Life just never eases up.

    I think I best let my therapist know what's going on. Sure I am strong ... BUT ... not something I wish to deal with of late. Just feels like it's all about proving ones worth yet again. When all is said and done ... we are only left with what resides within. That's what I need to keep focusing on.

    I attempt to do a flute video today. Poor little fella has to go for a blood test. He still won't even sit in a chair, let alone let others stick him with a needle. I doubt they will get blood out of him without damaging him. Both psychical and mental. It's to do with his seeming developing autistic traits and ongoing mystery fits/micro seizures. When I think about it ... all my shit is not so bad when I fathom just how society intends to force this little kid into a world of shit ... just so he can be labeled plus tow the line being thrown into the path of high risk re abusive fathers rights to that more important biological cultural position.

    This world is truly fucked whilst it adheres to its insane ideals.

    Alas ... what to do.
    ______________________

    Make a list I guess.

    1. Be on call to assist with the little fellas blood test.
    2. Be nice to all those on the front line dealing with that.
    3. Contact Therapist and update with all this new 'stuff'
    4. Practice and 'Enjoy' playing my flute ... do a new vid. (Keep it light and about the flute!)
    5. Maybe go for another run
    6. Keep eating healthy
    7. Play some Minecraft ... Not too much!!! Learn to balance - Balance it Dave!!!
    8. Don't Mention this Compensation thing to wife any more!!!
    9. Organize the shed for more space and supplies re charity work!!!
    10. Just keep learning to play the flute !!!

    Yet I smile ... hmmmmm ... I think of the king on walking dead and where he now sits. I wonder where the author intends to go with that. You'd have to be watching the walking dead series to understand that.

    We shall end the all? Always about the ending I guess. The fact is ... for all the stings playing in this speech ... after the battle the king is far from smiling as he walks back into camp with only 2 with all his others fighters now dead. If the direction does not end with him smiling I think I will have to end the author of the script. ... and yet I smile ... It's not one full of bliss and BS happiness to which we a so sold. For me there is not time to kill ... I'm just rolling with the punches as best I can.



    Just for more context:
    The Walking Dead 7x13 Ending Scene Carol Asks Ezekiel to Kill Negan

    I fight like this every day ... but how I fight is not to kill ... lest I kill myself. Without meeting the hardships each of us face - we will continue to see them grow. The way in which we meet these hardships will inevitably play into the outcomes that go on to affect others like so. So it is that I try to smile and go on living. My grandson needs me. I go on for him and if by chance I meet others like me that want to be friends ... I try to go on for them as well.

    Awwwwwwwwwwwww ... lol just kidding. Alls well enough this fine day. I just hope Ezekiel can bounce back. Or like I said ... I will have to end that damn script myself. The writer can live.
    Last edited by Ponder; 11-13-2017 at 02:39 PM.

  6. #506
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    My Native American Flute

    Playing Flute for Mental Health. Having been asked how my flute playing was going I decided to piece together my resonant breathing practice into one fluid presentation. I rely heavily on alternative methods to medications such as psychotropics and antidepressants. Getting this flute has been a huge help to keep me medication free during extreme periods of anxiety and depression.I struggle with learning difficulties and extreme bouts of OCD. The flute has been the easiest instrument for me to play. It has also been the only instrument where I enjoy making up my own tunes. I can’t say enough good things about it. If you struggle with mental health issues and or cognitive deterioration … I highly recommend getting a Native American Flute.


  7. #507
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    Had a cry yesterday at the therapists's office. Highly recommend it!

  8. #508
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    Deleted ... too toxic ... even for me.

    _________________

    Here is the background where for me this dramatic unraveling actually started in this forum:
    Where we abused find each other on the web and begin to expose that fucking nightmare place.
    WARNING Content ->Raw Emotion

    Begins second last post on page of above link. Back in 2014 with my brothers death.
    ___________

    I'm going to make a cuppa then process this some more.
    Last edited by Ponder; 11-16-2017 at 02:47 AM.

  9. #509
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    Hmmmm ... Just took two Valerian root tabs which is extreme for me. I wonder if I should take four? Then listened to my flute playing above. Is any of this going to bring my brother back? NO! That puts it all into perspective for me. What about all the others that killed themselves as a result of the abuse? Believe me when I say it's been more than a few. The you get this pen pusher sending a 50 page document reasoning his proposal for his exuberant fee? It's not even so much the amount ... I was unable to express my rage as my response above again mostly guided by someone else. BUT ... seriously ... the way in which this society ... authorities speak to those it oppresses really makes me wish I was dead. Hard to explain if one not be a hard and complex case. Just saying how I am now feeling ... hard core emotions dwell deep! The essence of suicide well within ... BUT don't go calling the fucking cops as happened to me last time I was just trying to express. They tend to just push buttons and make things worse.

    The later being the stigma that money is not going to make go away. And fuck this monkey mind once again with all the jealousy, resentments, judging and so on now bursting at the seems. I really should have an advocate in this mess. Not having one is just yet another exploration that leaves vulnerable people wise open. This is why people who are unable to function are in fact abused by the very system that poses how it is that one should live.

    This is fucked ... it truly is ... I am fucked ... I truly am. A fucking head cased to be sure.

    Hang on man ... Buck the fuck up Davy Boy!!! Be happy your getting something at all!!! ARRRRRR ... but if you where in my fucking shoes from where I now sit ... knowing what I know and having suffered as I have ... you might understand how this right now all feels like shit!!! Why I now wish I was fucking dead.

    I fully intent to sign on the next reply as I don't want to be the one holding everyone up. Yet to be sure there will be those who will always be out to get more. It's not about the fucking sum... but the way in which it's all being done. I don't process like other people ... like possibly most reading this. I'm probably not making sense. I think I am to myself which only makes me all the more sadder. I was on the mend between seasonal changes ... just getting into the grove. Now I feel severely derailed.

    I'm a little needy insecure man with a high pitched anxious tone that has fuck all confidence which is why I always exposing myself online because deep down I feels unloved!

    What kind of fucking price do you put on that? It can't be done.
    __________________________________________________ ___

    Interesting assessment to be sure. Where the fuck does such a response come from? Not sure that's an ape like response. More like preconditioning resultant from an hyper-vigilant existence under the cop out phrase of an imperfect system ... PFFT!

    I'll bounce back ... I know I will. Just using this space very much like I did when I snapped after my brother's death ... which again ... in a round about way led to this unraveling as it now be lay me.

    Now thinking on how to finish off before hitting the sack ... if sleep is indeed possible.
    Last edited by Ponder; 11-16-2017 at 02:47 AM.

  10. #510
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    Well the shed is nearly full of donations for the charity work we do. Now waiting for a call to go move it all into a house for a single mum that has nothing or any domestic violence victim and their children. Ironic really given my current situation. Fact is ... if the organizes knew the back story to my life and how I vent here on the net or even got a glimpse of my youtube channel ... they would in all likely hood be rid of me regardless of my passion, genuine intent and works I give so freely. In fact my wife worries very much about this stigma combined with my history and short circuitry. Living like that makes me very sad. Makes it hard to really shine for the person I really be. We so hold each other back in the ways we have all been taught think, feel and see.

    Sigh ... not to worry. I leave shit like that to happen by change. Other than all this shit and my inner demons now stirring within ... I feel the acknowledgements I have made be enough to allow me to be transparent with myself ... despite still struggling to see. At least I made an attempt.

    I now this very mintue feel a deep connection with how it was my brother felt when he tried to tell me that he would soon be dead. How to keep things in focus and go on for my others that I know need me is at times a living hell!

    Breathe! ... 64 beats a minute with resonant breathing ... although a little late to be playing that flute.

    I take one more Valerian ... with a bit of luck I will be able to run in the morning.

    Night Night. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
    Last edited by Ponder; 11-15-2017 at 07:05 AM.

 

 

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